Dating MAMILS - Are the midlife adventure seekers to be embraced?

[SpokeTheBear]

I am recently back on the dating scene and, after some definite frogs, have connected well with a guy: interesting and attractive. (I know, gold dust).

However, I am filled with a cold terror about this adventure sport thing. Much conversation and focus is on extreme sports, particularly cycling (after work trips, weekend trips, holiday trips). I am not exactly sure why things didn’t work out in his last relationship but it is possible that this played a part.

Do I need to put this in the bin now?

That does sound a bit obsessive and too much. Mine gets up at 7 to go out for 8 and is usually back by 1 and good to go out if we want by 2. He only rides out one day at the weekend and is fine on Sunday. He does the indoor trainer stuff 2 or 3 evenings a week in the winter but usually later on, 8 or 9 pm so not a problem and it seems pretty time efficient and ours is in the garage so out of the way. He’ll be out riding with with mates when the light improves 3 evenings a week soon enough but that works fine in the summer with my horse as I’m often out later too

The main issue with MAMILs seems to be that they are constantly absent from home when they are supposed to be pulling their weight in the household, in particular doing childcare.
If you don't have children to think about then I suspect the frequent time away from home wouldn't seem quite as bad - the red flags to watch out for would be generalised arrogance/self-importance, an inability to switch off from the hobby to do/talk about other things with you for a decent chunk of the time you spend together (obviously some talk is reasonable), spending more of the household budget that you agree on on the hobby (if you got as far as blending finances) and dropping commitments with you at short notice if a hobby opportunity comes up.

I wouldn't call cycling an extreme sport unless they ride in some wild city traffic.

I like sports and some so called adventure sports, so him liking sports would be a plus for me unless he was a cycle only type or expected me to be at every single race like I had nothing better to do.

My husband is dangerously near close to becoming one.
He is doing a trail with some friends and training for last 2 months.
i am heartily sick of him talking about bike, gear and training.
it also costs a bloody fortune - although he is not a big spender and I am happy to see him doing something for himself.
He is away next Saturday for 5 days.
i am looking forward to it - I am chucking lots stuff away, he won’t be home to create mess, I am having friends around wine and food.
He will be back to his normal self once this is over.

This is why I would always swipe left on a MAMIL tbh! My two DBs are MAMILs and I find it tedious to even hear about a trip they've taken let alone live with someone who had to do all this. My XH had a similar hobby that required all weekend to build up to and recover from/clean up after. It was an absolute pain in the arse and reinforced his lack of commitment to us as a family. Hence XH.

@TomPinch @dotdotdotdash

My apologies, I wrote the wrong word - I meant path.

So, my experience is that in my entire life, of the hundreds upon hundreds of cyclists who I have past on a walking path when they were cycling and I was walking, every single one of them has expected to carry on their path barely slowing down whilst I am to stop, press myself in to nettles and dog shit. About 10% of them will manage to say thank you. This shows entitlement and arrogance that I simply wouldn't want in a partner.
Of course, if a cyclist isn't like that, then happy days, but it would be rare given my experience.
The equivalent of what a cyclist expects pedestrian's to do on a path with supposed pedestrian priority, would be if they were on a road with cars, they would pull over to the kerb, stop and allow the car to pass by without slowing down or moving over even an inch.

I'd say if you aren't looking to have kids and you have your own strong interests and friends that get you out and about at weekends it could work. But don't expect him to cut back on the cycling. If you are looking for a relationship where you spend most evenings, weekends and holidays together doing non cycling related activities then this might not work out.

I dated a wonderful MAMIL, but knew it was never going to be anything long term. I wasn't looking to date. It was a great few months of fun meeting up.

He looked great in lycra.

He was a climbing instructor, who did strength training on his fingers. Think about that ladies...

He also cycled for hours at the weekend and we went on long walks with me. A very active man.

He was abundantly selfish and put himself and his desires above his primary aged daughter. Things fizzled out with him as the summer came and his work took over.

So I'm in the camp of enjoy a MAMILs company, but don't plan a future with one.

More so than motorists? I don't cycle but you are being ridiculous. They are probably pissed off at nearly being killed by impatient bad tempered drivers.

Love this!! Enjoy their qualities, but understand their limits.

I'm a MAWIL married to a MAMIL. It can be obsessive and all consuming if you let it, I do long-distance, he races. To keep a successful relationship you have to keep communicating. We both sit down with our event and race calendars and work out what is going to happen and when. This allows for a fair division of labour and family time to be pencilled in.

The only way not to be resentful is if there is clear communication. Also if he looks goid in Lycra then you know what your getting later...

These threads do remind me of rowers I knew at university! Any free time not spent rowing or training for rowing was spent talking about rowing or training for rowing. They weren't unpleasant (unlike the boorish rugger buggers, ugh!) but they didn't really have much to offer to people who didn't share their obsession. I guess I could say the same about political activists: easy to bond with when I shared their political views, but dull and impossible to relate to once I realised that they had nothing else going on in their their lives.

I think the OP should cautiously continue with the mamil if she doesn't mind playing second fiddle to an all-consuming passion, but be prepared to walk away if their time together is spent listening to him monologuing...

It's about the individual, surely? Some MAMILs bang on about it at boring length, expect everything to be focused on their next event, etc etc. Some don't. Likewise some couch potatoes bang on about what's on telly at boring length, expect everything to be focused on their need to watch the football every Saturday and Sunday afternoon etc.

People are selfish and boring or they aren't. It's not a MAMIL v non-MAMIL thing.

Not having a husband around most of Sunday, thousands spent on bloody pinarellos... Foreign race trips without us... It's one reason we divorced. Never again for me!

My DP is a MAMIL. I knew when before we got together he was into cycling. He's not into racing or time trials or anything, just cycles to stay fit, usually on his own. He got me into it, so we go out most Sundays on a bike ride, and stop somewhere for lunch. We do belong to a couple of clubs that we go out with sometimes.

He goes out some evenings for a ride, but we don't live together, so it doesn't impact on us. I don't think I'd be bothered if we did, I'd either join him or sit at home and read a book.

I would be wary if you don't like cycling and it's not a common hobby.
I guess there are degrees of mamils, Sunday morning bike ride but will happily miss it for a family commitment no big deal.
Daily cycling and spending majority of weekend on long cycles, cycling competively, spending £1000s on (several) bikes and heaven forbid veering into triathlon territory.
Cycling coming first and in a bad mood if its too icy to go out out or resentful if "training" routine is disrupted then run for the hills.

A wise friend once told me: look where this person is taking you. DO you want to be there? If the activities lead you somewhere fun and safe for you, go for it. If you don't want to go there, end it now. Also, interesting and attractive is subjective and not gold dust. You are seeing this man through those initial love-lust-laced rose-tinted spectacles. The fact you mention the sport "with a cold terror" suggests you are not suited, and it is a good idea to find out exactly why things didn’t work out in his last relationships before getting more deeply involved. Good luck!

My DH rides bikes, he's a sort of MAMIL because he is middle aged and does wear lycra. He also mountain bikes and gravel bikes so sometimes he's got his baggies on over the top.
I also ride bikes and used to work in the cycle industry so probably not the best person to be objective about this!
We give each other time to ride our bikes around childcare, both of us have entered events away from home, both of us like to talk about bikes.
I have met thousands of cyclists over the years, from trade shows to rides out and about, to driving and also being a pedestrian. Many of my friends are MAMILs.
I would say that not all people who ride bikes are cyclists (yes Deliveroo rider on a souped-up e-bike with your face mask and lack of lights, I mean you!) and some cyclists are selfish arses. Personally I move over the first chance I get if there's traffic behind me, but not all do.
However, if how much he loves his sport doesn't interest you, or you don't have interests of your own to take up your time plus you expect him to give it all up to be involved in some sort of life with any children (I don't know if you have any), then he may not be for you.
As I read recently, (and not dissimilar to the above post) the secret to a happy life was never to start something with a [person] unless you were willing to follow wherever it led. If you don't want it to lead to bikes, don't start something!

I’m a MAMIL, there’s plenty of time for you and your partner if he wants it.

I ride up to 4 times a week, one of which is a long Sunday ride, but I leave 6ish to be home 10/11, to have the main part of the day which my wife and daughter.

I tend to ride in my lunch break or turbo at night.

Don’t be put off by MAMILS, the only downside is the expensive kit haha! But if he’s like me, the wife gets treated at the same time.

I think it's good for men middle aged and older to have hobbies. Otherwise they end up "pottering" and putting passive aggressive notes on unfamiliar cars parked in the street!

I remember looking through an app and you couldn’t even see who anyone was as they were mostly up mountains or on bikes. It gives me the ick.

I imagine alot of them are very selfish and self absorbed.

I generally avoid them on dating apps, obviously if they say they're looking for someone equally as active, because I'm definitely NOT 😂 The ones who say they're into cycling/hiking/rock climbing etc but aren't obsessed and don't need their partner to be into it, I might give a chance to. The ones who don't say whether they do/don't require a partner to be into it, I swerve.

Also, I enjoy listening to people talk about their passions, but if it was constantly on repeat, I don't think I'd be a fan!

Omg this sounds unbearable

Does he live close by? And do you both drive?
I dated a triathlete. Well, he had been one before we dated, and then he started smoking again and overeating and not training and apparently that was my fault somehow..

Loving these replies. To be clear, this cycling is the extreme kind - mountain bikes up Snowdon and camp fires. I can see the appeal, it’s just I don’t share it and do other stuff instead (like go to the theatre).

There is the possibility that I might introduce some of my interests to his life. However, I can’t really see the crossover working if he continued to be this devoted to cycling. But he is really nice.