DH talking to cat when I’m talking

[Windowtothe]

DH often starts talking to the cat when I am talking to him, usually this happens when I’m trying to organise a family outing with him or talk about something important.

I have told him that this upsets me many times and he still does it. It happened on Friday night and I just rolled over and went to sleep because I felt hurt that he’d done this despite knowing it upsets me.

Instead of apologising he just insulted me as always by saying “fine, toss your teddies out of the pram”.

I spoke to him yesterday about it and he just said he needed to settle the cat because she seemed worried and felt I was ‘overreacting’.

I was really upset and we then had to go and meet mutual friends so it felt strained all day pretending to be fine.

I pointed out that he tends to do this when I’m trying to get him to engage in conversation about plans, organising or anything that requires collaboration. He said he sees no such pattern and that the story I’m telling myself is false.

I ended the conversation by telling him that he can continue to talk over me to the cat but that I will be unhappy and if this is what he wants, fine.

We’d made progress with the help of a therapist a year ago but I’m left feeling upset.

That sounds really hurtful. What other hurtful things does he do?

So he knows but he won't change.
I suppose, sadly, you either put up with it or you end it.
Why are there so many of these bastard men out there?

He is a gaslighting prick who needs to grow up and act like a man. This won't end well.

That's awful. He is doing it on purpose to upset you/avoid talking to you, which is a horrible thing to do. What are you going to do about it OP?

Do it back to him. Every single fucking time he opens his mouth to speak. And dont stop until he does. For every time he does it. You do it.

Can you secretly record him doing it on your phone, then play it back to him?

It's just a passive aggresive way of saying "shut the fuck up bitch, I'm not interested"

I’m inclined to say don’t back down and be very assertive every single time he does this (or something similar) but without escalating aggressively. Just as you would be correcting a small child. I know it’s ridiculous you would even have to do this. Is he disrespectful to you in other ways?

Sorry but lots of men don't like chatting as much as us ladies. They often don't like weekends being organised. Honestly stop trying to engage. Talk to girl friends or MN. No one is purrfect and there is no need to be catty about it.

He’s letting you know without saying a word to you that he is not interested in what you have to say and doesn’t feel that you have anything important to say
do you have children?

My mother does this when she doesn't want to engage in the conversation for whatever reason. I don't think she does it intentionally, I think it's an automatic response "difficult conversation, need to make it stop".

I wonder if it's a fight flight response causing anxiety, so largely automatic and subconscious.

So now I text her first to say I'm ringing and want to talk about xyz,
And/or I let her to engage with the cat for a few minutes then gently continue with the the conversation.

Or he's completely in control of it and being disrespectful intentionally!

Every time he does it I would say calmly "you're doing it again DP" without getting upset. Maybe it's possible that he does it subconsciously?

Well he is really trying to put you in your place isn't he?
It sounds as though he actively dislikes you OP.

What shitty behaviour took you to therapy a year ago?

He sounds passive aggressive and emotionally abusive.

God how absolutely horrible he is being to you. I would hate this too. Just start talking to the cat any time he speaks to you from now on. That or leave the twat ofc.

@AmusedGoose
you must be kidding! Several of my exes chatted the hind legs off a donkey. my ex-husband once spoke for an hour and seven minutes without stopping, I timed him once out of interest as the clock was behind him and then when I tried to join in the conversation he said “let me finish!”. Joker. I wonder sometimes if some men feel as though women talk a lot because some of them, not all of them as my current partner is wonderful, but some of them just feel like women having airtime at all is too much for them.
Also, the OP is not just chatting away merrily she’s organising stuff about the weekend so it’s functional. Therefore, speaking to Mum about stuff they’re doing on the weekend it’s completely pointless so that was really silly comment wasn’t it? @AmusedGoose I guess that was your point.
in this case, though I wonder if it’s something about control. You’re organising the weekend and maybe that makes this particular man feel somehow like a child or out of control so he diverts. What happens if you say to him what do you think we should do this weekend or how do you see it working with (insert names). Would he be mature about that and be able to organise? Either which way what is worrying I guess is that you bought it to him told him upset you and he’s completely minimised your feelings and rid killed you instead. In fact, I think he’s being a tosser.

Sexist bullshit 🙄

Stupid rude man.
My partner does this and in enrages me...makes me feel so unheard, disrespected and bottom of the pack.
No advice, just sympathy, it doesn't feel nice.
I'll usually just stop talking completely and walk away.

Love it 🤣
I'll try this on my prick of a partner who also does this.

Can you just stop go silent then start again when he stops talking to the cat? It's annoying and you shouldn't have to, but I am angry on your behalf for letting him off the hook when you're trying to discuss something. Just wait then bring it relentlessly yet calmly back to the topic.
Or ask him to come into the kitchen, shut the door, say the cat's not here I need to ask you about x y.

What made you go to therapy with him previously?. What was he doing then?.

If he is at heart abusive he would need years of therapy and even then it may not be successful. Abuse too is not a relationship issue, it's about power and control. He feels he is doing nothing wrong here re you.

I would keep the cat and get rid of him. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

He’s being abusive to you.

He knows exactly what he’s doing.

MKe sure you only engage him when the cat isn't nearby. Then he has no 'escape'.

Easy fix

He is doing it on purpose to deliberately hurt you.

What you do with that information is up to you but you need to understand that he will not stop, he will not change, and it will likely get worse. To change your relationship dynamics will mean you changing your own behaviour. This means either accepting he is just another nasty man and continuing to live this life, or refusing to accept this blatant disrespect and leave.

Are you able to leave if you choose that route?

newfoundzestforlife

Tit for tat though may not work because he may well just see that from you as an additional challenge to take you down.

Walk away from him permanently. You do not deserve to be treated like this by him.