DH talking to cat when I’m talking

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DH often starts talking to the cat when I am talking to him, usually this happens when I’m trying to organise a family outing with him or talk about something important.

I have told him that this upsets me many times and he still does it. It happened on Friday night and I just rolled over and went to sleep because I felt hurt that he’d done this despite knowing it upsets me.

Instead of apologising he just insulted me as always by saying “fine, toss your teddies out of the pram”.

I spoke to him yesterday about it and he just said he needed to settle the cat because she seemed worried and felt I was ‘overreacting’.

I was really upset and we then had to go and meet mutual friends so it felt strained all day pretending to be fine.

I pointed out that he tends to do this when I’m trying to get him to engage in conversation about plans, organising or anything that requires collaboration. He said he sees no such pattern and that the story I’m telling myself is false.

I ended the conversation by telling him that he can continue to talk over me to the cat but that I will be unhappy and if this is what he wants, fine.

We’d made progress with the help of a therapist a year ago but I’m left feeling upset.

Try it when you're in a cafe, on a train, anywhere you both are and cat isn't.

Is the subject something he is trying to avoid? That doctor appointment he should be making? The DIY thing? The money decision? Is he anxious about the subject and it's the only way he feels he can swerve out of its way?

Or is it just that it's you talking that's his issue? Less important than telling the cat something?

Why is it OK OP? He knows exactly what he's doing and he won't change. Do you want to spend any more time with someone who clearly thinks you don't deserve to be treated with respect?

Have a little notebook to hand. Every time he does it - get the notebook out and put 2/3/2025 - tried to discuss day to trip to see x - DH started to discuss Y with the cat.

He would argue that I have over reacted. I feel sad that the best I’ve been able to do is be with a man who treats me with so little respect.

Bin him… Keep the cat.

So leave?

"Yu know Tiddles, if Daddy doesn't want to go somewhere /do something this weekend he only has to say so to mummy. Why he thinks you have an opinion about it is beyond me.

Next time he asks you something, say to Tiddles "What do you think?"

He’s a prick and a weird one. Who talks to the cat when their wife is trying to talk to them? It’s even worse than him ignoring you and scrolling his phone instead. Really childish and odd.

You can’t make someone respect you.

The problem is, OP, that if he knows you’ll never leave no matter how he treats you, that may well limit his respect for you. He’ll feel he can get away with anything. It’s harsh but that’s the reality.

Do you have children together? If so how is he with them? He'd be under my patio by the way.

I don’t know how to get him to respect me.
You can't. You cannot get him to do anything but you can change your own behaviour.

Without going into details can you explain why you can't leave? Does he control the money? Do you live abroad? Do you live with the inlaws? There are ways around anything, the only difference is time. You might not be able to leave this month but you could be making a plan so you can leave next year.

this happens when I’m trying to organise a family outing with him or talk about something important.
If he refuses to talk about the family outing can you go without him? If you need him to drive then go elsewhere on the train or bus, or even just go to the cinema. If he realises he is missing out he will either start engaging in the conversations or he won't care. Unfortunately I suspect he really won't care as he doesn’t want to be part of your family anymore but he's too much of a coward to leave so is making your life a misery instead.

Consequences- there needs to be some. If you are trying to arrange something and he talks to the cat, choose the most favourable outcome for you and one that means he would have been better off engaging. Eg - it’s a shame you would rather talk to the cat than discuss next Saturday but no problem, I’ll leave at 8am then and leave you with the children all day seeing as you don’t want any input in decision making.

Hi, do you actually go out anywhere on the weekend or do you both stay in together listening to Music, watching a DVD/Film, watching TV, discussing current local/national/global affairs, discussing work? discussing future housing e.g. bigger/smaller house? discussing forthcoming planned holiday or planning a holiday?Gardening? Anything????

It sounds as though he is avoiding the chat about your plans for the weekend. I asume you mean plans for you and he as a couple rather than your own seperate plans? It could be that he wants to spend the weekend with friends as he is missing that camaradrie, it could be he wants to go out with a female friend or frenemy, (to you) or he may want to go fishing for fish and/or other women, he may just want to let his hair down and go on a binge round all the pubs. Even without an admission, I would be tempted to ask (not accuse at this stage) if he wanted to break up or had he met someone else as he is defintely trying to avoid all conversation that is aimed at you two as a couple and making plans for the two of you as a couple. Hard as it is, you need to know so you can make future plans for you, and not just have the rug pulled from under you if this just continues until one day when he has plucked up the courage and he either tells you he is leaving/met someone else/not in love with you anymore/the it's not you, it's me conversation, or you wake up/come home to an empty house and a note. Good luck.

AmusedGoose · 02/03/2025 09:25
You are not the partner by any chance are you?? If you are then have the guts to talk to your partner and explain the situation.

when you him and the cat are in the room together I’d be telling the cat that you’re seriously contemplating divorce as you’re just about done putting up with rudeness

I'm in the minority on this one along with Onlycoffee. I wonder if it is due to some sort of anxiety on his part and he is subconsciously using it as a way of avoiding the topic of conversation. My mum used to do something similar, it was really annoying and weird at first until I realised that it fitted in with a bigger picture of anxiety.

I didn't have exactly the same as you Op but my DH didn't want to go anywhere with me or be involved in my life, so I stopped trying to include him. I used to plan trips\evenings out\life with my friend, and she and I had a lovely time without my DH.

I have to say that me and DH split in the end, thankfully. I don't get why your DH is staying when he obviously doesn't want to have a shared life with you?