DH talking to cat when I’m talking

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DH often starts talking to the cat when I am talking to him, usually this happens when I’m trying to organise a family outing with him or talk about something important.

I have told him that this upsets me many times and he still does it. It happened on Friday night and I just rolled over and went to sleep because I felt hurt that he’d done this despite knowing it upsets me.

Instead of apologising he just insulted me as always by saying “fine, toss your teddies out of the pram”.

I spoke to him yesterday about it and he just said he needed to settle the cat because she seemed worried and felt I was ‘overreacting’.

I was really upset and we then had to go and meet mutual friends so it felt strained all day pretending to be fine.

I pointed out that he tends to do this when I’m trying to get him to engage in conversation about plans, organising or anything that requires collaboration. He said he sees no such pattern and that the story I’m telling myself is false.

I ended the conversation by telling him that he can continue to talk over me to the cat but that I will be unhappy and if this is what he wants, fine.

We’d made progress with the help of a therapist a year ago but I’m left feeling upset.

And then they say about said plans "but you never told me..." 🙄

He's simply avoiding talking about serious issues. What a plonker.

This is abuse, OP. He is gaslighting you.

You will have a miserable life if you don’t walk away from this.

DH will do a version of this, so I'll be talking and he will suddenly react to something else - "look at that squirrel" "DS have you done xyz" (because he has just come into the room) etc. I will stop talking and walk away every time. He now does it much less often and apologises when he does it.
I hate it because it shows he isn't actually listening to me. We have arguments sometimes about things he claims I have said that I haven't, or things I have said that he claims he can't remember, and for me the reason is that he is only ever bloody listening with a third of his brain.

By the time a couple reaches this stage, I think it's safe to say they're not on each other's side any more. I don't usually condone tit-for-tat behaviour, but I agree and think you should start doing it back to him until he stops.

DH often starts talking to the cat when I am talking to him, usually this happens when I’m trying to organise a family outing with him or talk about something important

It is deliberate, and it just shows contempt for you OP. Some men roll their eyes, yawn in their partner's face, or abruptly change the subject and absolutely refuse to engage in any way. This is just your husband's way of doing the same thing. It's unacceptable.

I have told him that this upsets me many times and he still does it

Because he doesn't care, and may even be doing it to deliberately upset you. He wants to keep doing this unchallenged, so don't expect him to admit to anything.

Instead of apologising he just insulted me as always by saying “fine, toss your teddies out of the pram

Again, he wants to treat you nastily without challenge, so he'll patronise and insult you to make out that you're somehow pathetic not to tolerate this bullshit .

When I read shit like this I wonder if it's a real person or some kind of paid-for troll from foreign governments.

You might be missing the point that he deliberately upset you, then deliberately gaslit you to make you believe you imagined what he did or misremembered.

Thank you. Good to know it’s not just me that thinks this is very hurtful and insulting.
Whether it’s deliberate or not, it puts me in survival mode.
I won’t be leaving, that’s a definite.
I’ll just have to try and make the situation work for me somehow.

Major gaslighting. How about when he does it next, you tell him you’ll leave him out as he clearly doesn’t want to be involved? And follow through with this?

From what you say it's not when you are just chatting (in which case I think it would be ok not to stay 100% on topic and play with the cat etc) but when you are having important discussions and making arrangements. He wouldn't behave like this in a work meeting. I'd tell him if he cant have a respectful discussion you will just go ahead and make all arrangements to suit yourself from now on and he will need to fit in with your decisions.

Sorry - can't fathom a relationship where you rank lower than the cat!

Honestly, I would not waste my life with such a person.

Neither can my heart it seems 😔

These are the reasons why women need an ongoing "Plan B" whenever in a relationship and especially when entrenched with.children.
I could not be making a situation "work for me" by remaining a partner to a man that hates me.

My self esteem gene can't be overidden by mostly anything, but especially no feeling of being obligated to keep a marriage going.

If you won't leave then stop discussing plans with him. He doesn't want to know.
Don't include him either.

No doubt he will moan how shit your plans are, what with you being entertainment director.

With any luck, he will fuck off and take the moggie with him.

Why can't you leave? You have one life, and you want to spend the rest of it with a man who doesn't respect you?

He's made it rather obvious he doesn't want to listen to you.

What are you going to do about that?

Obviously I don't want this but I don’t have any choice sadly.

Stop talking is the only route I have.

Those women tend to be quite a privileged lot.
Most women end up in my boat in one way or another.

You always have a choice. What is it do you think is stopping you?

Trust me, I don’t.
Wont discuss here as too outing but anyone who knew my situation would agree.
I don’t know how to get him to respect me.

Um … are you a man by any chance? I don’t know any women who say ‘us ladies’ or urge other women to stop chattering away to men about our frivolous wish to organise weekends. Especially when referring to men who talk to their cats!

Have you been kidnapped and are being held hostage? Do you need someone to call the police and report it?

I'm not being facetious, I know it's rarely as easy as 'just leave' (I've been there and left with nothing but the clothes on my back, luckily no children involved so that made it easier), but saying there's no way you can leave is incorrect (unless it's a hostage situation).

Of course you have a choice. You choose to stay or choose to leave. Don’t claim you ‘have’ to stay with someone. You absolutely do not have to. Yes life might be harder without him if he supports you financially. But you are choosing that path. Don’t claim like you don’t get a say in it

🙄
Us ladies....