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Original poster

Jealous of boyfriend's wife and their past together

69 replies

Passionfruitcake · 28/02/2025 12:59

I've been seeing my boyfriend for a few months now, I'm totally in love.
He was married for 20 years and they split up a year ago, her decision. He has given me no reason to be jealous at all and has told me how happy he is with me and he also treats me really well. They have 2 children together, age 12 and 15. I don't know why, but I am intimidated by the fact that he was in such a long marriage with someone and was obviously happy until she broke it off. I can't seem to get over this.
I keep thinking, he's only with me because she didn't want thim anymore and that he would go back to her if she was willing and wanted him back.
I feel like a consolation prize even though he has been amazing since I have met him and has always made me feel special. Is this my problem? How can I get past this?

OP posts:
Foreverhope1 · 28/02/2025 13:10

Hi OP,

Sounds like you've fallen hard for him, considering it's only been 2 months. It's still very early, you are still in the dating phase, it could quite easily fizzle out.
I'd agree it's a you problem, personally see it as a red flag 🚩 too. You need to work on your self confidence and esteem.
How have your past relationships faired ? Has jealousy been present in them or in other areas?

Original poster
Passionfruitcake · 28/02/2025 13:12

@Foreverhope1 yes I've always had a jealous thing about ex girlfriends and the relationship and history they have had with my partner. That's how I know I really like someone, when I feel jealous or resentful of their ex.
In this case, it's worse because they were together 20 years , have 2 children and she ended it, I feel like I can't compete with that.

OP posts:
Tatemoderndrawyourown · 28/02/2025 13:14

And you always will because they will always be there. You need to decide whether you can change or might need to leave

Beamur · 28/02/2025 13:16

Well, no you can't. But he's not with her now.
This is a you problem and is the kind of thinking that will spoil your relationship and make you look for problems.
Trust someone until they give you reason not to.. it's hard if you've been treated badly before.

Thelnebriati · 28/02/2025 13:18

This isn't something you are going to get past; its a deep rooted and complex problem, and its in your best interests to get therapy and deal with it.

AgentJohnson · 28/02/2025 13:18

If intense jealousy is a sign you really like someone then yes it is a you problem and why haven’t you done the work to overcome it?

DaisyChain505 · 28/02/2025 13:19

Everybody has a past and the older we get, the bigger the past but it can’t be helped.

Everyone has previous relationships but you need to remember that just because he has loved someone in the past it doesn’t mean he still does.

Think back to your past relationships and remind yourself that you don’t feel the same now about those people as you did back when you were with them.

I remember having pangs of unease about my now husbands ex because she always had more from him than I had. (Marriage and a child) and it made me feeling a less important partner to him but 5 years on and those feelings are completely gone. We’re not married and blissfully happy.

smallchange · 28/02/2025 13:21

Passionfruitcake · 28/02/2025 13:12

@Foreverhope1 yes I've always had a jealous thing about ex girlfriends and the relationship and history they have had with my partner. That's how I know I really like someone, when I feel jealous or resentful of their ex.
In this case, it's worse because they were together 20 years , have 2 children and she ended it, I feel like I can't compete with that.

You can't compete with that, nor should you try.

I wonder if it would be healthier for you to only have relationships with men who don't have children. That sort of jealousy towards previous relationships can be particularly toxic when children are involved.

KimFan · 28/02/2025 13:24

He has given me no reason to be jealous at all and has told me how happy he is with me and he also treats me really well.

There's you're answer. Stop self-sabotaging your happiness.

BashfulClam · 28/02/2025 13:25

The situation won’t change, that’s his past and can’t be altered so either you end things or you work on your jealousy and reaction to his past.

Girlmom35 · 28/02/2025 14:04

Have you had therapy for this problem?
With much empathy and respect, this is a very big problem on your end, and a pretty big red flag. If this had been your boyfriends post about you, he'd be getting reactions to leave you, and that your unfounded jealousy is unacceptable.
So you know this is a problem, and it's been a problem in every past relationship of yours. What have you done so far to take responsability for this problem? What have you tried to do to work on things? How have you worked on your self esteem issues?

It's only human to have issues. You're not perfect, neither is anyone else for that matter. So I don't judge you as a person, even if my words are direct. But we all have to own our issues and do our part in preventing our issues from causing harm to others or to ourselves.

outerspacepotato · 28/02/2025 14:10

This is not the guy for you. You're two months in and "totally in love" with a guy that has just gotten out of a very long term marriage with kids involved. You are way, way, way too over invested here.

You're already jealous after 2 freaking months. This means this is not for you. He's got other commitments that are going to take priority over you. You will not be #1 in his life and you're likely the rebound chick.

GlacialLook · 28/02/2025 14:14

I don't think this sounds like the relationship for you. He has a past you can't cope with, that isn't going to go away. The only thing you can change is your attitude to it.

JFDIYOLO · 28/02/2025 14:35

Change the things you can change
Accept the things you can't change
Have the wisdom to know the difference.

You can't change the fact that they were in a long relationship and will always be connected through the children. You will never be free of her.

Or that yes, if she hadn't ended the relationship, they would probably be together and you wouldn't even be in the mix. He wouldn't be your partner.

Or that if she were to change her mind and ask if they could try again, he might well go back to the family.

Can you accept all that? I couldn't.

Bear in mind that if you behave in a jealous insecure way that might lead him to try to rekindle things.

What you can change is your attitude and response - and this takes a lot of hard work, probably therapy.

Personally I say don't go near undivorced men, especially with dependent age kids.

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 28/02/2025 14:37

I'd be surprised if any partner didn't have a past. They aren't going to sit in a corner for 20 years in waiting for you to come along. A whole life has been lived on both sides in that time. Look forward, not back.

GreyCarpet · 28/02/2025 17:06

You know your exes? How would you feel if you knew someone felt this way about you having been in their life before you?

It wouldn't make sense, would it? Because, if younstill wanted to be together, you would be.

I have fond memories of times I spent with previous boyfriends/partners or particular aspects of their personality but would I go back to any of them? Not a chance!

You are going to have to just trust what he says until he gives you an actual reason not to.

Foxlovesfruit · 28/02/2025 17:06

I am assuming you are at the age where anyone you might enter a relationship with is likely to have been married previously or had a long term partner and kids. Therefore, you really need to address your jealousy issues etc. See the fact that he was married for 20 years and has children as a positive, he can clearly commit. I would be more concerned about a man of that sort of age who hadn't had a long term relationship. Huge red flag for me.

Orangesinthebag · 28/02/2025 17:11

Foxlovesfruit · 28/02/2025 17:06

I am assuming you are at the age where anyone you might enter a relationship with is likely to have been married previously or had a long term partner and kids. Therefore, you really need to address your jealousy issues etc. See the fact that he was married for 20 years and has children as a positive, he can clearly commit. I would be more concerned about a man of that sort of age who hadn't had a long term relationship. Huge red flag for me.

You say that but I would be wondering if he wanted to commit again.

He may just want to have something more casual this time round and just have fun with someone rather than getting too tied down and too serious, particularly as he has children to think about.

I would proceed fairly cautiously with this relationship, OP. It hasn't been that long since his 20 year marriage broke up and it sounds like that wasn't his decision. He hasn't been alone that long really.

Also be wary of how his children might react to you, they are teenage so it might not be as easy as it could be with younger children.

ParsnipPuree · 28/02/2025 17:13

This is such a new relationship. For what it's worth, I felt the same for years about my dh's ex wife. We've now been married almost 14 years and the way I feel now is that yes, although dh did fight to keep that marriage and was happy with her at the time, it obviously wasn't right. And I just thank my lucky stars.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 28/02/2025 17:19

Passionfruitcake · 28/02/2025 13:12

@Foreverhope1 yes I've always had a jealous thing about ex girlfriends and the relationship and history they have had with my partner. That's how I know I really like someone, when I feel jealous or resentful of their ex.
In this case, it's worse because they were together 20 years , have 2 children and she ended it, I feel like I can't compete with that.

This isn't fair on you or any of your partners to be honest.

He started seeing you quite quickly after coming out of a 20 year relationship, that wasn't ended by him. I would be wary of that, and I would also be wary of your intensity if I were him.

OriginalUsername2 · 28/02/2025 17:23

Barrenfieldoffucks · 28/02/2025 17:19

This isn't fair on you or any of your partners to be honest.

He started seeing you quite quickly after coming out of a 20 year relationship, that wasn't ended by him. I would be wary of that, and I would also be wary of your intensity if I were him.

Show quote history

I feel the same way. My ex got a new girlfriend very quickly. I feel like whoever was available at that time would have fit the bill. He just wanted to have a girlfriend.

Doingmybestbut · 28/02/2025 17:38

I would feel the same. I’m low key obsessed with DH’s ex wife and he doesn’t care about my ex at all!

Is he divorced? That would make a big difference to me.

If you’re the jealous type I think you are going to struggle.

sciaticafanatica · 28/02/2025 17:38

I would say that in all honesty you " don't need to compete "
With how quickly he got into the relationship then , you are likely the rebound.
Sorry

Teado · 28/02/2025 17:45

If he met her when he was very young he may be rushing into a new relationship because he’s never been alone as an adult.

You talking of love after two months is quite full-on but he may well appreciate it at the moment.

I don’t think the ex is the problem here really.

category12 · 28/02/2025 17:57

Therapy for you.