Jealous of boyfriend's wife and their past together

[Passionfruitcake]

I've been seeing my boyfriend for a few months now, I'm totally in love.
He was married for 20 years and they split up a year ago, her decision. He has given me no reason to be jealous at all and has told me how happy he is with me and he also treats me really well. They have 2 children together, age 12 and 15. I don't know why, but I am intimidated by the fact that he was in such a long marriage with someone and was obviously happy until she broke it off. I can't seem to get over this.
I keep thinking, he's only with me because she didn't want thim anymore and that he would go back to her if she was willing and wanted him back.
I feel like a consolation prize even though he has been amazing since I have met him and has always made me feel special. Is this my problem? How can I get past this?

This. I have a horrible feeling that her jealously is going to end up in him being horribly treated or hurt in some way. He’s done literally nothing wrong and her feelings are insane for what stage they’re at

What is your relationship background OP? Have you been married?

Is there an age difference between you?

It sounds a bit full on to be head over heels with a man who has this much baggage tbh. You clearly haven't met his kids yet (I hope you haven't anyway!) and you sound a bit naive which is why I am wondering about an age difference.

However this works out it isn't going to be a straight forward relationship so I would dial it down a notch and treat it more casually if I were you.

To be honest he is kind of irrelevant to the situation because if it wasn't him it would be the next person you are in a relationship with.

Until you work on yourself and deal with your own internal shit there isn't a thing he can do or should do to help you.

Jealously is normal in some circumstances in life. That isn't what this is though. It's a reflection of your own self worth and esteem.

As others have said this is a you problem. For context, have never felt jealous of an ex partner of my partner. I might be a bit miffed, or not want to hear every detail. But I can easily have a conversation about say, a past holiday they went on, or a funny story about a night out that they had and not feel any jealousy. I think that you need to be able to embrace your partner, the whole of them and their life before you. You can't not speak about the past or acknowledge it existed as it made them who they are and is helpful to understand it. Your partner will always be tied to his ex through their children, and if you stay with him, then so will you. Try to understand the good things about his ex and see her as a person, not some a woman eho had your man. She is just a person, who eas in a relationship with another person, who happened to be your partner and it is something that is in the past. She is also thr mother of your partners children and deserves your respect, as she should also respect you. Don't let this drive a wedge between you and your partner as you will create a messy and unpleasant situation for all involved, especially the children who are not getting a say in any of this.

This sounds way too intense . It also sounds like you have an anxious attachment style and I would look into getting some help with that because if it carries on this is going nowhere good . You need to be secure and confident when there are ex wives and teenagers involved , it’s complex and requires the adults to be adults. A relationship that makes you feel anxious and jealous is not the right relationship.

Is he divorced? I wouldn't date anyone until after they are divorced as it brings up so many emotions, especially if she left him and he didn't want the relationship to end. It all seems too intense too soon

That's how I know I really like someone, when I feel jealous or resentful of their ex.
And do you think this is normal behaviour?
You'd be better single and getting therapy, it doesn't make for a happy relationship.

Spend a year being totally single. This will make you realise that you don' t need a man, you're ok by yourself.
It's worrying that your'e totally in love after 2 months. That's either love bombing or neediness on your behalf. But even better, stick to your own age group.

If you’re prone to jealousy then getting involved with a recently separated man coming out of a very long term relationship who has kids is absolutely the worst type of man for you.

There’s a term for this and it’s called retroactive jealousy. I wouldn’t break it off if you know it feels right, as others have suggested. The reason I say this is because even if you did this, if you later met someone else that you really like, I would hazard a guess based on what you said that you’d feel exactly the same way, regardless of the specific circumstances (so ending it won’t help you in the long run, unless the relationship turns out not to be right for you). It is a risk to be this serious about someone who is only a year out of a long marriage, because at this stage you have no idea if it will work out long term (but neither really do any of us regardless of how long we’ve been together). I know about retroactive jealousy because I’ve suffered with it myself (I’m a man for awareness and whereas your jealousy is focused on the longevity of the relationship and the times & life they’ve shared together, mine was really about sexual history - the difference is quite common between male and female sufferers). I’ve done a fair bit of research into this to try and get past it myself and fundamentally it comes down to your own insecurity and it can be a form of OCD. Have a look at retroactivejealousy.com. It’s a great site with courses focused on personal development to help you get past it (I found that councillors didn’t really understand it properly, but may be worth considering anyway). Good luck.

How are you 'so in love' after a few months? I think you'd definitely benefit from some therapy to help you not feel this way (especially in such a new relationship where things are supposed to be fun and exciting!).

In the meantime, it's not really fair on him to have to deal with this, so maybe end things and work on yourself?

Have you thought about the fact that if this works out and you get married you will become a stepmother to his children? I think that could end up being quite toxic while feeling this way about his ex.

I see you say you have been together "a few months" but that he is only a year post-separation.
How long was he actually single before he got together with you?

You need to work on yourself before you can have a healthy relationship.

Whatever you do please don't be that stepparent that actively resents their spouse spending time with their biological children because of jealousy/hatred of the ex.

I am describing my DHs stepmother here. She utterly resents her husband's biological children because she hates his ex wife. Now she resents her husband's biological grandchildren 🙄

Most divorces are instigated by women. That doesn't mean the men were blissfully happy, but I think many men would prefer to stick their heads in the sand than to split up, because of the cost and upheaval of a split. Just because his ex-wife called it doesn't mean he'd run back to her given the chance.
I disagree with setting an arbitrary time limit or legal stage to begin dating after a split. There are no rules here, only different opinions. Some people move on best by growing in a new relationship, while others want solitude. Personally I had years single post-divorce, but it was only when I got into a new relationship that I healed.
You've had some good advice above about retroactive jealousy. Read up on it, and try to keep an attitude of curiosity. You're exploring this new relationship to see if you are compatible long-term. You can't know that in the first flush of love ; it'll take 1-2 years for your hormones to stop running the show and for you to see how things pan out then. Don't get pregnant or married until you've been with him 2 years - that's one arbitrary timeline I do believe in! Until then, enjoy your relationship. Maybe he's not right for you long term, maybe he is - if he is, you'll be building your own story and you'll feel he's threatened by the time spent in his marriage. If you're not right together long term, that's vital information which will allow you to grow and move on. This relationship has to play out one way or another ; don't let your jealousy kill it before it's properly started.

Have you really never been dumped by someone?

I think you need therapy. This is really unhealthy.

I think your worries are valid. Twenty years and two kids, her decision. He likely is still reeling from the separation and rejection and probably is rebounding to some extent. A year is no time at all.
I'd consider that there's every possibility they may at some point consider reconciling. It's still early days and that does often happen when marriages end. It's rarely straightforward.

You should be careful not to give too much of yourself to the relationship yet. Take it very slowly. Get therapy for your anxiety and attachment style. Ultimately, you are in a precarious position and should be careful not to get more invested than is sensible.

How old are you?

Was going to write exactly the same! OP,
If you can't cope with someone having an ex then you would need to find someone without any past, which at the age I'm assuming you are based on the history of your boyfriend, would be virtually impossible. How would you feel about someone who had never had a relationship at all or never been in love? Probably you wouldn't be attracted to them at all.

Hi OP I know how you feel, infact I could've wrote this.
It does get easier the longer you're together but she will always be there. Can you cope with that? I felt the same way but I stuck it out, opened up and told him about my insecurities, we have now been together longer than his relationship/marriage with her. It's been bloody hard work feeling 2nd best at times but if it's worth fighting for, know your worth and crack on with life together.

Have therapy op

Jealousy is not normal or healthy. You have an insecure style of attachment and you will be seeking to reassure yourself through constant control and paranoia and anxiety

Believe me. I had therapy and overcame the most intense intense jealousy

The thing is. Any decent trustworthy man will not want to be controlled like this

You will never find security via jealousy and anxiety. It's not about them it's about you

This will.be based on your childhood..

Go sort it out

I wonder whether you’ve got deep rooted commitment issues. It’s entirely possible to have very strong feelings for someone, be desperate to be in a committed relationship with them, and yet still fear commitment. Were your parents happily married?

You’ve chosen to develop very strong feelings (I’m not sure you can be truly in love with someone until you know them, and that doesn’t happen in a couple of months) for someone who is less than a year out of a twenty year marriage that he didn’t choose to end. You have chosen a man you don’t feel is truly free to commit to you. And now you’re sabotaging it by thinking of it in terms of a competition. There’s only one way that is going to end, and it’s not the pair of you living happily ever after.

I think you’d very much benefit from some therapy.

It's a nice thing and shows he is good at commuiting