Jealous of boyfriend's wife and their past together

[Passionfruitcake]

I've been seeing my boyfriend for a few months now, I'm totally in love.
He was married for 20 years and they split up a year ago, her decision. He has given me no reason to be jealous at all and has told me how happy he is with me and he also treats me really well. They have 2 children together, age 12 and 15. I don't know why, but I am intimidated by the fact that he was in such a long marriage with someone and was obviously happy until she broke it off. I can't seem to get over this.
I keep thinking, he's only with me because she didn't want thim anymore and that he would go back to her if she was willing and wanted him back.
I feel like a consolation prize even though he has been amazing since I have met him and has always made me feel special. Is this my problem? How can I get past this?

OP, you've found someone you really like and behind this jealousy is the fear that you're not good enough for him and the threat you could lose him, probably to his ex. Your feelings are your feelings; nobody can tell you they're right or wrong. However, feelings are not facts and you risk a self-fulfilling prophecy if you keep giving this so much emphasis. Showing your insecurity over a situation your boyfriend cannot change may be a red flag for him and he may decide you're not right for him.

Rather than concentrating so much on the past, enjoy the time you're spending with him now and focus on how he is doing everything right. That should count for so much! The past is the past, you are your boyfriend's present and hopefully future: don't let the thoughts in your head mess it up.

His marriage ended a year ago, he is with you, there millions of women he could, potentially be with but he is with you.

You don't really know if he was v happy or not, just what he may have said, plenty of long relationships are miserable and it obviously wasn't that great if she ended it.

You've a choice, accept your happiness with him or be prepared to have an ex boyfriend, jealously eats away at a relationship.

Someone who has just come out of a 20 year marriage isn’t someone anyone needs to be dating. You do also sound incredibly intense, you really don’t know this guy well at this point.

“Someone who has just come out of a 20 year marriage isn’t someone anyone needs to be dating.“

I disagree to a point on this. There’s no fixed timeline around these things and it may well be that the person in this case is more than ready to commit to someone else after being unhappy for a long period with their previous partner. Some may not be, but others will and I’ve seen plenty of my friends over the years come out of one long relationship and straight into another without any commitment issues. Won’t be the case in all cases, but depends on the circumstances and the person.

I think you are right in some cases. Often that's when that person is the one who ended the relationship and had mentally moved on months or years before.

The difference here is that the OP says he wasn't the one to end the marriage so he may not have been in that "checked out" mindset and thus hasn't had time to process his feelings properly before jumping in to this new relationship.

Are you my STBXH's girlfriend?!😂

Apparently she can't cope with me either and he's finding this very difficult (my heart bleeds).

If the truth is that she did end it, then there's nothing for you to worry about. A man who has a good amicable relationship with his ex and sees his kids regularly is a green flag for me, not a red flag!

If you are much younger than him then perhaps try to find someone without the "baggage"

I appreciate that it won’t be an issue for all - but I’m personally a bit suspicious of people who can’t have any time single. It makes me think it’s a case of anyone will do, so it’s always a pass for me for those reasons. I just don’t think it’s healthy to jump straight from a long term relationship into something new with no time to process.

I agree with you. I avoid men who are recently separated or jump from one short term relationship to the next without letting the bed get cold.

I came out of a long marriage and even though I’d mentally checked out, it takes a lot longer than we think to truly get your head in the right place to truly move on.

The fact this man had only been separated a few month, didn’t instigate the split coupled with an insecure jealous gf has got disaster written all over it imo

What helped things get better for you?

Jealousy isn’t the sign you’re really in love. Another vote for therapy.

Having said that, this sounds hella messy and it’s not surprising you’re feeling uncomfortable. That will probably be the case for a while.

A lot of reassurance. With every year that went past it got easier, although we have a child together and if we didn't I'm not sure how different things would be now. But then again everyone has a past so unless I was going to be single forever I'd never meet a man with no past so better the devil you know I suppose

So you'd rather be dating a man who's never managed to sustain a long and fulfilling relationship before?

I've always had a jealous thing about ex girlfriends and the relationship and history they have had with my partner. That's how I know I really like someone, when I feel jealous or resentful of their ex.

This is worrying, OP. It's screwed up thinking.

You have work to do on yourself. When men say this about women, we start thinking irrational jealousy, coercive control, stalking, potential abuser.

'But it's only because I love you so much' is a classic excuse.

Please get some help for this.

I think your only hope for some kind of peace of mind if you don't/won't do that is to seek out a man who has never been in a relationship and has no children.

... With all that that would imply.

At least here you are with someone capable of building and holding a long term relationship and considering others.

But I don't think you're in a good place to be in a relationship yourself right now.

You've not mentioned if you've spoken to him about this? If not, then the only information your demons have to work with is your insecurity and facts about the length of time they were together / they had kids / she broke it off. It may well be that now that their relationship is over, he is able to reflect on why it broke down, and whether he was in fact blissfully happy. Perhaps knowing a more rounded view of their relationship, and not the one you're seeing through rose tinted specs, might give you something to add some perspective and help stop your thoughts spiralling.
But apart from that, try and view your relationship with him as not in completion with theirs. It will be a whole different dynamic and you will bring qualities in yourself, and inspire some in him that are unique to you two alone. It's obviously proving to be worthwhile to him and so long as he's treating you lovingly he must be satisfied.
I think these paranoias are better aired. Not laboured or recurring but it's ok to ask for a frank discussion about your fears in order for you to move on from them. And then make sure you do move on from them. Also remember that you too have had previous relationships and how you feel about them now. Would you ever want to move backwards? It's healthy to look ahead and if he's doing this then he can't do much more.
Wishing you all the best in dealing with this x

we have a child together and if we didn't I'm not sure how different things would be now

What do you mean by this?

Agreed 100%.
Take it easy OP, don't sabotage your happiness because of noise that you are making up.

I mean I had a good reason to stay when things were difficult. Luckily I did as things have never been better, planning for the future rather than dwelling on the past has been easier as time has gone on

You sound hard work and like you will be very controlling. I wouldn’t want to go out with you and if you carry this behaviour on he won’t want to go out with you either

You need to work on your own self worth.
They are no longer together and if they wanted to be together they would have worked it out. It seems that you are working up all sorts of scenarios in your head which will confirm that you are not worthy of him.
Please speak to a counsellor to find out where these feelings are coming from or you will end up self dictating the future, that your lack of self worth will mean that he goes and he will. He wont be able to cope with your jealousy and self doubt.