BF unsure about living together before marriage

[youngstupid]

Hi everyone
I am 21, BF is 20. We have been together for 3 years and I love him so much, he is brilliant and I love being together.
He comes from a traditional family who were initially quite unhappy about us going on holiday and staying together etc and while they would probably rather we didn't, they have come round. (His extended family were not even told about any of this.)
Anyway, during our recent holiday we ended up discussing future plans re. when we would want to move in together after uni etc. He said he was unsure about living together before marriage as he would be afraid his parents would judge him. I said that he shouldn't be basing his decisions off his family considering we already sleep together etc. He came back with he takes his family's views into account just like I would. We kind of went back and forth til I decided to leave it.
He said if we were to live together he would want to get married no longer than a year later. I on the other hand don't want to rush into marriage as much as he would (his opinion being that by then we would have already been together for a considerable amount of time).
I know we are both really young! And I will probably be told not to worry about this just yet. But my question to more experienced people on here is should I just let it be, carry on with life and see what happens down the line? Or is this something I should discuss with him now rather than later. I made it clear to him that I could never marry someone without living with them first.
Thank you everyone :)

If he comes from a traditional family centred culture, you are likely to disagree on many things and his family will always be important to him.

@Lentilweaver I would say that this is the main traditional value that they hold, they don't even go to church. However his extended family would be more religious.

I don’t think it’s a good idea to live together before engagement personally and a firm view to a wedding but you’re too young for this. Men tend to want to try you out and often don’t marry women they’ve just lived with. With dh he proposed I said yes and then we moved in together. If the living together hadn’t worked out we’d have broken it off before the wedding. I would just date him for now. Don’t be quick to play house with men. You’re too young

To be honest, once you start sharing resources ( eg buying a home, spending on furnishings etc) marriage can be a really important protection to make sure you have a fair share of any assets should you decide to split.

@Pyjamatimenow I wouldn't be opposed to getting engaged before living together, I would just worry that adjusting to cohabiting whilst planning a wedding in a short space of time (which he wants) would be stressful.

@EducatingArti I agree with you, but I would probably think about renting together first rather than going straight into buying a house. I just feel that buying a house with somebody I've never lived with full-time would be quite a risk, even though it used to be the norm.

If you can’t manage that the relationship won’t work anyway. 12-24 months is standard for planning a wedding. Quite enough time to make sure you can co habit peacefully.

I would never have married a man I'd not lived with first. Living together is very different from dating and you start to get to know a person fully. Tradition is just guilt trips from dead people.

You do not want to start on a path where he's scared to do anything his family won't like.

@Neurotoxic yeah this is my concern, but he didn't seem to understand where I was coming from re. this

You need to try before you buy so to speak. And I’d be wary of any man whose family had that much influence over him. Times have changed, what other ideologies do they have that you don’t yet know about?

If they are traditional then to me that’s a massive red flag. I have standards but traditional to me always seems to mean code for the subjugation of women. Plus you are so young, the only couples I personally know that settled so young successfully are mainly dead as would all be 80 plus now when it was very scandalous to divorce.

Women change a lot in their twenties, men less so. That is what happened to me when I realised my childhood sweetheart was actually a bit shit. I also realised that he was shit in bed after I moved on.

@ViciousCurrentBun yes that's one of the reasons I don't want to rush into marrying somebody, I've changed a lot even since we started dating and I'm sure in 3 years time I will be different to who I am now.
His sister and her partner will be 23 and 22 when they get married later this year and they both still live at home. I could never imagine getting married this young, the only people I know who have come from religious families.
My own parents have separated and I wouldn't want to go down that path especially if there are ever children involved.

At the moment you are looking at the future through different lenses. His rooted firmly in his family values, at present that is still important . You have a more practical and modern outlook.

You only have two choices. Decide you cannot be with someone who has those values and split now. Or leave things to work themselves out. The discussions you are having about this have come to a stalemate. Neither of you think you are wrong and further talk is pointless.

Whether marriage gives protection depends entirely on whether you are the party who has contributed more or less financially. It can just be a huge liability and is a financial gamble in any case because you are sharing assets in essentially an unknown ratio and it is difficult and expensive to unwind that in future.

If you want to protect your own assets it is easier to do that without getting married e.g by purchasing property in a way which protects your deposit.

You can change a lot in your 20s. I wouldn’t be rushing to get married without living with someone first. And if you do get engaged first that may put pressure on you to go through with a wedding. Let’s say nothing concrete is wrong but you just have niggles about the relationship- if you have announced an engagement and half planned a wedding it is far harder to back out.

@Rictasmorticia thank you for your reply. At the minute we have a lot going on in terms of uni, finding work etc so we can't really make concrete plans for a year or two. I know things can change in that timeframe but wherever we end up getting jobs could help make decisions for us maybe? (Sorry, I'm kind of thinking out loud to myself!)

Why on earth are you even thinking about all this when you're so young?
Just be boyfriend and girlfriend. Enjoy hanging out but maintain your own space and friends.

Life is long. Plenty of Time to settle down.

@Circe7 yes I totally agree with that last part about feeling pressure while engaged. I would worry that if we were engaged before living together there would be additional pressure for the wedding to go ahead compared to if we got an engaged say a year into cohabiting

Personally, I would be wary of getting involved with a man, who's family have that much influence over his life and the choices he makes. I moved in with a boyfriend, way too quickly after we started dating, and it became apparent he couldn't make a decision without consulting his Mum and step-Dad! It was utterly ridiculous! I was in my early 30s when I met my husband, we got engaged after a year of dating and then I agreed to move in with him. We married the year after we got engaged.

I really think that you'll grow apart in the coming years, or at least you'll realise his views and opinions don't align with yours.

This, and he doea understand your concerns op he just doesn't care about them as much as his families pov and aren't you a bit put off by him having sex with you and cherry picking the traditions he thinks you should put up with?
Hypocritical isn't the word.

They want you to pretend you're not having sex yet! They are very conservative and in denial. I would never let this stop me from living with someone.

I also wouldn't be thinking about marriage yet. You've years ahead of you to do that! You can still keep your finances separate whilst having a joint account for bills. Enjoy the relationship for what it is.

@TomatoSandwiches I did bring this up to him but it didn't really go anywhere. I should add that I had a few drinks by this stage so didn't want to start getting overemotional in a bar so I left it. Maybe I should discuss it with him in a few weeks, I'm not sure.

As someone from a very traditional culture, I think intercultural marriages are very challenging.

I am going to move my mum into my house in a few years. No man outside my culture would put up with that. Equally, I am not keen on many aspects of Western culture either. I don't believe tradition is for dead people.

All that said, you are way too young to be fussing about all this now. Time to focus on getting jobs in this economy.

@Jk987 I've read quite a few comments on this website from mumsnetters that delayed living together until marriage only because their families would go balistic! However these were decades ago..