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Original poster

BF unsure about living together before marriage

62 replies

youngstupid · 28/02/2025 12:35

Hi everyone
I am 21, BF is 20. We have been together for 3 years and I love him so much, he is brilliant and I love being together.
He comes from a traditional family who were initially quite unhappy about us going on holiday and staying together etc and while they would probably rather we didn't, they have come round. (His extended family were not even told about any of this.)
Anyway, during our recent holiday we ended up discussing future plans re. when we would want to move in together after uni etc. He said he was unsure about living together before marriage as he would be afraid his parents would judge him. I said that he shouldn't be basing his decisions off his family considering we already sleep together etc. He came back with he takes his family's views into account just like I would. We kind of went back and forth til I decided to leave it.
He said if we were to live together he would want to get married no longer than a year later. I on the other hand don't want to rush into marriage as much as he would (his opinion being that by then we would have already been together for a considerable amount of time).
I know we are both really young! And I will probably be told not to worry about this just yet. But my question to more experienced people on here is should I just let it be, carry on with life and see what happens down the line? Or is this something I should discuss with him now rather than later. I made it clear to him that I could never marry someone without living with them first.
Thank you everyone :)

OP posts:
Lentilweaver · 28/02/2025 13:29

Tradition isn't always about the subjugation of women. It's way more complex than that. Every single woman in my family is educated to masters level, and about 80% are doctors or engineers.

Meadowfinch · 28/02/2025 13:31

If he is still worried about what mummy & daddy think, then frankly he shouldn't be considering marriage at all.

He needs to grow up first, a process that will almost inevitably mean you grow apart.

Lentilweaver · 28/02/2025 13:34

Yeah, what 20 year talks about marriage and being engaged? I have a 20 yr old. He is focusing on education, a job, seeing the world maybe, not girls.

pinkdelight · 28/02/2025 13:40

Gosh when I think of who I was madly in love with at your age, I'm so glad I lived with them for a good while and we both had chance to grow up a bit and find out who we were - and moved out and moved on to marrying other people later in our 20s. Not saying he isn't the one, but there's enough here to not rush into anything. His 'traditional' views and the influence of his parents is reason enough to give it time and see if he's going to mature into making his own decisions and indeed being a team with you not imposing his family's will onto you come what may. I'm all for getting married to the right guy, but the heady feelings of love alone will not make the marriage a success and sustainable. These days I think it's pretty nuts to not live together and see how things go for a decent while first. Tradition isn't a virtue in and of itself and no one should sublimate their common sense and gut feelings to accommodate it.

Cosmosforbreakfast · 28/02/2025 13:40

No adult should be making decisions based on whether their family would approve or not. You will need to have a very serious talk about this if you are planning a future together, otherwise you could find he's letting his family control his decisions about marriage, children, your home, jobs etc.

You are both very young to be talking about marriage though. You change, you can easily grow apart at that age, just enjoy your lives for now, get through Uni and into the working world. You can reassess after that and see if it's what you both want.

AdoraBell · 28/02/2025 13:47

If you don’t feel ready to get married then make it clear to him. Don’t let anyone to push you into marriage, having children or anything that you aren’t ready for.

Tell him as he doesn’t want to live together it’s fine, you’ll just carry on as you are.

Miaowzabella · 28/02/2025 14:08

I wouldn't be contemplating either marrying or living with someone who is so much in thrall to his parents.

AnSolas · 28/02/2025 14:29

youngstupid · 28/02/2025 13:27

@Jk987 I've read quite a few comments on this website from mumsnetters that delayed living together until marriage only because their families would go balistic! However these were decades ago..

He has growen up in the community which is has values you dont agree with.

Marraige was a type of protection to women and children if it was the mans role to bring in the money and the womans to manage the domestic budget and children etc.
So you need to look at how his family is organised to see what his "instinctive" expectation is because that is what he learned as a child.

If he is not willing to go against his family/community and meet your expectations he is not yet old enough to be marraige material. He is not seeing the two of you as a unit.

JFDIYOLO · 28/02/2025 14:51

I know you don't think so now - but you're both FAR too young to be even thinking if marriage.

If you don't come from the same cultural/religious background, there will be more conflicts to come.

Doing a trial run, living together, renting together, then if you can still say yes I love sharing my life with this person consider marriage and mortgage.

If he's too frightened to stand up to his parents they are going to be an utter nightmare, interfering, overbearing, intrusive.

I think he especially has some growing up and independence-gaining to do first.

Rictasmorticia · 28/02/2025 15:13

youngstupid · 28/02/2025 13:08

@Rictasmorticia thank you for your reply. At the minute we have a lot going on in terms of uni, finding work etc so we can't really make concrete plans for a year or two. I know things can change in that timeframe but wherever we end up getting jobs could help make decisions for us maybe? (Sorry, I'm kind of thinking out loud to myself!)

I think giving careful consideration to this is very wise and mature. One of Mumsnet’s greatest assets is to give us time to think out loud. That and the opinion of disinterested parties helps you get things clearer. I wish you lots of luck as you both get ready for the future.

For what it is worth, I have been married almost 60 years and been with DH since I was 16. I think today’s attitude to marriage is so much more sensible.

Parker231 · 28/02/2025 15:16

Ahsheeit · 28/02/2025 12:48

I would never have married a man I'd not lived with first. Living together is very different from dating and you start to get to know a person fully. Tradition is just guilt trips from dead people.

Agree. You find a lot about a person when you start living together. It can be as basic (but important) as how you manage your money and sharing of responsibilities around the home.

Thesnoozingsighthound · 28/02/2025 15:25

My parents got married at 21 and were forbidden to live together first by their families…in the 1960s! Times have changed!

I would worry this old-fashioned viewpoint would also extend to believing the housework is your responsibility etc…

Lentilweaver · 28/02/2025 15:28

You may want to think very carefully about whether your values are compatible. They don't seem to be at this age anyway.
And may not ever be.

FinallyHere · 28/02/2025 15:38

youngstupid · 28/02/2025 12:42

@Lentilweaver I would say that this is the main traditional value that they hold, they don't even go to church. However his extended family would be more religious.

We read about it over and over again.

People who don't visit church but hold very traditional views on everything that impacts your life as a woman. Starting with marriage, when to have children., how to parent. Schools.

I'd caution to to think very very carefully. And then not do it. Good luck b

Neurotoxic · 28/02/2025 16:03

A lot of people are talking about tradition, feminism etc but in terms of actual advice I would say it largely depends on what he believes vs his family. If he doesn't agree with them but wants to please them anyway that's a different issue to how traditional he may be. If it's all just about them then you have a non-starter if you're hoping to get married down the line because you'll have to end up pleasing them with everything too if he doesn't get over that, and that would be a nightmare if you have children. If he actually does agree with them on tradition then it's a different issue, especially because he seems to be fine with secretly(?) having sex with you.

IEatSauerkrautBeforeItWasCool · 28/02/2025 16:11

Dh is from culture where they don't live together begore marriage. It qas absolute nk from me. Luckily he himself is not traditional in this way (and many others).
We did not pool resources at the beginning. Each had own money and paid approx half and half into rent/bills/groceries.
Imho it's invaluable. You can always bugger off at the end of tenancy if it isn't working, this is more difficult to do if you are married.
Same for getting pregnant, then moving together. Quite risks that it will simply not work because of personal differences or you end up saddled with guy who thinks his hands will fall of if he touches mop.

Bigearringsbigsmile · 28/02/2025 17:00

Have you thought that maybe the parents/ tradition thing could just be an excuse? He may realise that actually he's far too young for this kind of commitment and be feeling under pressure from you?

RuffledKestrel · 28/02/2025 17:10

Definitely live with him for at least a year before agreeing to get married. But rent, don't buy somewhere together. This makes it much more straightforward to split if you don't work out.

I wouldn't entertain marrying someone before living with them. Everyone has quirks when in there own house, you both need to work out if you are happy to live with each others quirks.

Sarah2891 · 28/02/2025 17:18

Lentilweaver · 28/02/2025 13:34

Yeah, what 20 year talks about marriage and being engaged? I have a 20 yr old. He is focusing on education, a job, seeing the world maybe, not girls.

Some do. People are different!

I don't think either of you are in the wrong, OP, you just have to decide whether you can deal with his family traditions or not.

GreyCarpet · 28/02/2025 17:19

OP, my children are 27 and 18. I'd be very concerned if you were my daughter in this situation.

You say this is the only area where they are really traditional but that's because you're not married and you don't have children.

I can pretty much guarantee that, if they hold traditional views about living together before marriage, they are going to hold equally traditional roles about men doing housework, parenting, children rearing, working mothers... and he will listen to them. Your lives wouldn't be your own.

Carry on dating him.but I wouldn't be considering any man long term without living with them first.

WhitegreeNcandle · 28/02/2025 17:19

Pyjamatimenow · 28/02/2025 12:42

I don’t think it’s a good idea to live together before engagement personally and a firm view to a wedding but you’re too young for this. Men tend to want to try you out and often don’t marry women they’ve just lived with. With dh he proposed I said yes and then we moved in together. If the living together hadn’t worked out we’d have broken it off before the wedding. I would just date him for now. Don’t be quick to play house with men. You’re too young

This with bells on.

category12 · 28/02/2025 17:26

Does he also want to have children young? (Or will the family expectation be that you do?)

Personally I think you'd be better off living with friends in a house-share and having a lot of fun rather than living with a boyfriend at 21.

Rec0veringAcademic · 28/02/2025 17:27

Honestly, I would walk away or keep dating him casually. He has a lot of growing and maturing to do if his family has that much of a hold over him.

You are very young and have the usual issues to deal with that comes with being 20. Focus on building your life and finding someone you are more compatible with.

Original poster
youngstupid · 28/02/2025 21:24

So just to clarify, we aren't planning any of this anytime soon we were discussing our future a few years down the line. He definitely wasn't using his parents as an excuse, and his mum stayed at home to raise her children and now I think about it gives off slight judgemental vibes about people who put their children into childcare.

OP posts:
mindutopia · 28/02/2025 21:44

You’re still very young. I would park living together for now if he isn’t keen to do it without marriage. If you still live at home, make plans to move out and in with some flatmates. Have a few good years of living on your own and having fun. Have you travelled? Could you take time off and go travelling with him or with friends for a few months? See the world and try new things. Your 20s are for having fun and not being tied to bills and tenancy agreements. See where you are in a few years. You will grow and change a lot. Decide then if he’s grown with you and what the future looks like once you’ve had a few years of fun, travel, independent living.