BF unsure about living together before marriage

[youngstupid]

Hi everyone
I am 21, BF is 20. We have been together for 3 years and I love him so much, he is brilliant and I love being together.
He comes from a traditional family who were initially quite unhappy about us going on holiday and staying together etc and while they would probably rather we didn't, they have come round. (His extended family were not even told about any of this.)
Anyway, during our recent holiday we ended up discussing future plans re. when we would want to move in together after uni etc. He said he was unsure about living together before marriage as he would be afraid his parents would judge him. I said that he shouldn't be basing his decisions off his family considering we already sleep together etc. He came back with he takes his family's views into account just like I would. We kind of went back and forth til I decided to leave it.
He said if we were to live together he would want to get married no longer than a year later. I on the other hand don't want to rush into marriage as much as he would (his opinion being that by then we would have already been together for a considerable amount of time).
I know we are both really young! And I will probably be told not to worry about this just yet. But my question to more experienced people on here is should I just let it be, carry on with life and see what happens down the line? Or is this something I should discuss with him now rather than later. I made it clear to him that I could never marry someone without living with them first.
Thank you everyone :)

Of course he has some growing up to do. He's 20! There's nothing wrong with him aligning his lifestyle choices with his parents at this stage in his life. He hasn't had a chance to form his own opinions yet!

You're both way too young for all this playing house stuff. Carry on dating as you are, finish uni, get a job, live with some mates. Why are you even talking about this stuff?

You met him when you were both teenagers. The likelihood of this relationship going the distance is very slim. Just enjoy it for what it is for now.

Forget about moving in together. Live a little... honestly, you'll look back on all this in 10 years time and wonder what on earth you were thinking.

“JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · Today 22:33

Of course he has some growing up to do. He's 20! There's nothing wrong with him aligning his lifestyle choices with his parents at this stage in his life. He hasn't had a chance to form his own opinions yet!
You're both way too young for all this playing house stuff. Carry on dating as you are, finish uni, get a job, live with some mates. Why are you even talking about this stuff?
You met him when you were both teenagers. The likelihood of this relationship going the distance is very slim. Just enjoy it for what it is for now.
Forget about moving in together. Live a little... honestly, you'll look back on all this in 10 years time and wonder what on earth you were thinking.”

This with bells on. Your 20s are for spreading your wings, adventure, travel - being footloose and fancy free. Why rush to settle down?

My parents married very young because in the early 1960s (as opposed to the late 1960s), people didn’t live together before marriage. In fact, my parents hadn’t even had sex before marriage. They ended up divorced like many of their contemporaries because they had settled down too young.

I remember seeing a documentary about this “true love waits” movement in the States which was about young people waiting for marriage before having sex. But they weren’t really waiting - they were all just rushing into marriage at a very young age (18, 19 etc) and I thought that was very sad. I was head over heels in love with my first love at 18. At the time, I couldn’t have imagined loving anyone else but we split after nearly 3 years together because we were drifting from each other. Imagine if we’d got married at the height of our first love experience. We would have ended up very unhappy and probably divorcing.

Take your time, OP. Some first relationships last a lifetime but most don’t and with good reason.

I'd be very concerned about what other 'traditional 'values he might have. Would he expect to share household tasks equally? Childcare? Want you to give up work and be a SAHM? How about finances? Are his parents equal and independent?
All these are things I would want to be really clear on before marriage or children, and I'm not sure I'd trust the answers totally. It's easy to say he'd be an equal partner in the house, but his idea of equal and yours might look very different.

And you still want a relationship with this guy? Just move on, OP, you’re both way too young, and he’s in thrall to his family. Be single, finish growing up.

Need to stress again that we are not planning to get engaged or live together anytime SOON, I am talking a few years down the line but was wondering should I say something now or wait a few years to see what happens.

Why would you waste any more of your life on this guy? I guarantee that when you’re thirty you’ll look back on this period and wonder whether you were on drugs.

You've said he has an extended family with traditional values. Would your proposed marriage be inter-cultural? Might you need to look at this from a wider perspective rather than solely from your own perception in order to understand what other challenges and values you might encounter? It's not so easy for people in some cultures to change and set aside the views of their family no matter how much they might personally wish to.

I think both of you are far too young to be thinking of marriage. You're only just out of university and you need to be looking at careers. You shouldn't be tied down by having to live where he wants to live and vice versa. Your 20s are such precious shares. Don't even think of tying yourself to one person in one location. The chances are you and his parents will disagree quite a lot. When you are older you will see what a hell of an impact that can have on you.

If I were you I would get a flat with some girlfriends and follow a career path of my own. I would continue dating him, well actually I probably wouldn't but you could! Just do nothing more than date him and see where it all takes you in several years time .

But you're thinking about it! It really doesn't need to be on your radar at all. Just date and go and live with some mates. If (and it's a big if) you still feel like he's the one in 5 years time, you can decide about next steps. I can pretty much guarantee you won't be together anyway.

I remember having heated conversations with my boyfriend when I was your age about where we'd get married. I wanted a church, he wanted a registry office. Surprise, surprise, it didn't matter as we'd split (amicably) 2 years later. And he actually decided he was gay a few years after that. All fine... but how crazy if we'd moved in together or got married.

Right. I am in my 70's and got married to my first husband aged 20. It wasn't very socially acceptable to live together then prior to marriage (although we were sleeping together when the opportunity arose) Gosh how I wish we had lived together first, it was a complete disaster on so many levels mainly because of his attitudes and expectations. As a PP said on here you never know anyone until you live with them, it is so very true.
To be able to split and just leave if things don't work out is so much easier than getting a divorce believe me.
I remarried aged 25, was absolutely nervous about committing to someone again, but my disastrous experience had made me grow up pretty quickly.
I have been happily married for 47 years now.
Your current relationship could be "the one" but at your age it would be wise to exercise caution. If you have been at university perhaps have a bit of "real life" before you make any major decisions.

Already hes telling you hes not interested in living a life with you and making you happy without first the approval of his family/extended family!!! Omg run as fast as you can. This is your sign to get rid. Married to the mob. Every decision will have to be passed through them all, judging you if you make independent decisions etc. no way to live! Leave him to his mum 👋

Absolutely agree with this. You never really know someone until you've lived with them. And even then, they can change after marriage and kids (as I learnt the hard way!). It sounds like his family are quite involved in his life....I'd want to see just how much before tying myself to him with marriage.