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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mentionitis

81 replies

Ilovemeggy38 · 27/02/2025 23:46

Would you think that this is mentionitis?
We were shopping in Aldi, he got a call from his manager ( the mentionitis) and she asked him to do overtime.
He said no then said to me, how shit she was to ask as she was probably being railed by her boyfriend herself?
I said what a weird thing to say, she was asking if you wanted overtime?
I left it.
Today he brought up as we were making a meal together how his coworkers think of her, I said oh how do they think of her?
He responded they think of ways they can fuck her, how she is , what positions etc
I said, you? And he was so quick to say no , not me, I don't do that.
But his previous comments, I'm a bit meh.
He doesn't talk about her constantly but when he does it's not in a managerial role, it's sexual.
They are shite.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovemeggy38 · 06/03/2025 23:19

Mum5net · 04/03/2025 12:25

My initial post was different, in that was he bringing up mentionitis because he fancied her.
Tbh, I don't think, post Saturday that is the case, I just think he is borderline mysoginist, sees women as ,well just Women, doesn't see any problems with talking about Women as objects.
That's my problem I know, and it's one I'm working on, but I would say it's the wider problem on when we have a media that proclaim Bonnie Blue to be the new way we see Women and girls.

OP, you are not the problem. Never ever say you are the problem. The problem is clearly all him. He's the one that needs to work on himself. Don't let him condition your thinking.
The Mentionitis red flag still stands hugely tall. His behaviour was sufficiently poor for you to query it here.
On further questioning he gaslit you; called you mental and lost his cool.
That first red flag has not been cancelled. It has been joined by an even bigger flag pole with a red flag you can see from a town 40 miles away.
The other threads I posted were red flag city. That OP took a long time to see the red flags in her situation, but once she did, they literally were everywhere. I saw parallels. Two posters dealing with misogynist partners, one granted very extreme.
It's going to take you a little time to process all that's happened. Unpicking your living situation now might seem a drastic step for you but it's the right thing. A line has been crossed. You know what to do to protect your future self and potential future family if that was a route for you.

Thank you.
I am still in the midst of it
I absolutely know what I should do.
It's horrendous, knowing you will upend your family, your whole world.
I come on here and hear you but I have to live my life.
I'm one of those stupid women who didn't get married early, I will be left with nothing. If I leave, it's his house, his pension.
I will be left with nothing.
And to be honest I'm getting okay with that, I just need to know my children will have something, not him meeting another woman and it's hers.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovemeggy38 · 06/03/2025 23:30

If I leave, and it's very probable I will, he will go on to meet another woman.
My children will be sidelined, they will probably be , over the years not their Father's priority.
Please don't tell me most decent blokes don't do this. My Father did it in spades, he left my Mum and didn't want to know me or my Sister again as soon as he found another woman.
This is what we mean by generational trauma.
I have every expectation that if I leave he will do what my Dad did to my Mum.
Leave her to bring up two children whilst he goes of and has another life, one that is financially so much more stable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovemeggy38 · 06/03/2025 23:41

TheMathofLoveTriangles · 01/03/2025 08:37

I’m not sure. I felt like the bit I really disagreed with was when the op said ‘doesn’t respect women like her, who are not their lovely girlfriends’ (or words to that effect). The words of her husband and colleagues indicate that they don’t respect women generally and the view of sex like it’s what men ‘do’ to their woman is a more general misogynistic view that he’ll have about all women.

I don’t know the context but if this female boss is young/or attractive/or wealthy then their desire is probably to take some of her superiority away through sex. The annoyance and comment about ‘being railed by her bf’ was too weird to interpret so it could indicate he fancies her but without more context it’s hard to tell.

Whatever the motivation it’s all huge red flags

Show quote history

My reaction to him saying the " railed" was to immediately think porn.
We don't talk to each other in that way, that is why it raised massive red flags for me, hence the post.
I assumed it was how he talks to his colleagues but she is their manager.
I'm thinking now, he doesn't particularly have mentionitis, he is just going along with his other men colleagues and disrespecting her because he is a fucking mysoginist like his colleagues.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovemeggy38 · 06/03/2025 23:48

Thank you everyone who has posted.
He is a massive mysoginist and what I posted was the least of it to be honest.
I have a lot of thinking to do.
He doesn't display the mysogny every day, of course not, so you get sucked into the relationship.
I have a lot of untangling to do, twenty odd years of it.
I'm definitely starting to do that though, my eyes are wide open now.. thanks everyone who responded and I'm really grateful, it takes time for people to realise xxx

OP posts:
Mum5net · 06/03/2025 23:59

@Ilovemeggy38 I hear you, too. You will come out the other side. You will find a path. Just very tough for you right now.

Rfvvvv · 07/03/2025 08:45

Speak to Women's aid.
Have you contributed to the house?
See if you can make a claim on it.
Plan quietly.

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