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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mentionitis

81 replies

Ilovemeggy38 · 27/02/2025 23:46

Would you think that this is mentionitis?
We were shopping in Aldi, he got a call from his manager ( the mentionitis) and she asked him to do overtime.
He said no then said to me, how shit she was to ask as she was probably being railed by her boyfriend herself?
I said what a weird thing to say, she was asking if you wanted overtime?
I left it.
Today he brought up as we were making a meal together how his coworkers think of her, I said oh how do they think of her?
He responded they think of ways they can fuck her, how she is , what positions etc
I said, you? And he was so quick to say no , not me, I don't do that.
But his previous comments, I'm a bit meh.
He doesn't talk about her constantly but when he does it's not in a managerial role, it's sexual.
They are shite.

OP posts:
ItShouldntHappenToMeYet · 28/02/2025 07:52

He said no then said to me, how shit she was to ask as she was probably being railed by her boyfriend herself?

Please translate this sentence!

VoodooQualities · 28/02/2025 08:03

Translation:

He told her he didn't want to do overtime. Then he made a joke about how asking him to do overtime, was in fact her asking him to have sex with her. But why would she need that? Because no doubt her boyfriend is 'railing her' already.

OP - most men will make you coffee. I am sure he's nice in other ways too, but I do believe that 'not being a sexist pig' ought to be one of our baseline requirements when picking a man!

NameChangedOfc · 28/02/2025 08:32

Ilovemeggy38 · 28/02/2025 00:07

I know, I absolutely know.
I hate these men
To think I have one in my bedroom, well it makes me ill.
But I do have one in my bedroom!
He pretends to be wonderful, he makes me coffee, he sees these women as less, he sees them as just a fuck, he sees them as not me, not their lovely girlfriends.
I fucking hate these men .

You don't have to be with one of them, then. Decent, good men do exist. It's when we think they don't or that "all men are pigs" that we lower our standards and we end up with the leftovers. And, as with food, sometimes you do have to bin it.

plsd · 28/02/2025 08:35

You said he doesn't see her as an equal.
In a work context she isn't even 'just' an equal, she's his manager.

I wonder if her struggles with a woman being more senior and potentially having more power than him. It's makes him uncomfortable (maybe even angry) so he's got to bring it down so a sexual level to put her in her place.

TwoRobins · 28/02/2025 08:39

They really hate her, don't they? It's sickening.

Crichel · 28/02/2025 08:39

The fact that he’s reductively sexualising his manager (apparently in conjunction with his Neanderthal colleagues) is what’s at issue here, not ‘mentionitis’.

Buy a bean to cup coffee machine and raise your standards.

VoodooQualities · 28/02/2025 08:57

In a work context she isn't even 'just' an equal, she's his manager.

A very good point. Sometimes we need to aim higher than baseline 'equality'.

KatarinaDe · 28/02/2025 11:17

Hi everyone, I started dating this guy about 3 months ago and I think he might be a player. I have a lot of anxiety in our relationship although I have had bad experiences with men before. So it is hard to tell whether it is trust issues or if he is making me anxious because he is a player.

I would be very much interested in your opinions. Thank you all in advance!

These are the things that made me doubt his intentions:

  • he has a female bff, theve known each toher for 25 years, there is no history. when asked why there are not together he said he didnt know and when i insisted he later said that he is not attracted to her although he thinks shes pretty, that they dont get along for long periods of time, that she has friends he doesnt like, she is single. when they went on a trip last year they slept in one bed together. didnt seem strange to him.
  • he has another „friend“ who is a girl he used ot be interedted in, there are still in touch occasionally, he said he is no longer interested but doesnt want to cut contact. when she messaged him on new years eve he responded very warmly, offered to meet and gave a lot of compliments. we were already together at that time. he tells me he never felt to her what he feels towards me, he thinks shes not funny. he has liked everythink on her instagram. we got into fights about this because i wanted him to cut contact and he didnt want to,, saying it would be mean to her. later we agreed on slowly fading. she is probably single
  • he followed some pretty women he doesnt know on instagram, lets say 20 accounts, liking sporadically their selfies. he unfollowed after i asked.
  • on our first phone call he mentioned that his Ig algorhytm shows him onlyfans models
  • he says he doesnt know whether he was using tinder after we agreed we are officialy together, he deleted it few days later
  • he has some female friends he doesnt see that much, some lesbians, some taken,
  • he doesnt share his phone he thinks it is private
  • when he was on a hockey game, there was kisscam that zoomed him and anther woman, he kissed her on a cheek, thought it was a funny story
  • he is in contact with both exes, he is not in contact with any other women he used to date
  • he used to date a lot after his break up, 7 short „relationships“ in 3 years

So guys, I am insecure or is he a player? Or anything else? :D Thank you so much for reading this and your input! :)

frockandcrocs · 28/02/2025 11:32

I would get rid of the BF and let the boss know. They actually sound quite scarily misogynistic.

FictionalCharacter · 28/02/2025 13:07

@KatarinaDe You’re replying to someone else’s thread, you need to start your own new one.

MarrySlapDivorce · 28/02/2025 13:16

Tell him she probably thinks how pathetic they are, what a loser they are. They don't need to speculate her position it's on top of them. So she's getting an active sex life, bosses them and earns more money doing it of course they hate her. He wishes he could have a woman like her and it hurts him that he couldn't have her.

Diningtableornot · 28/02/2025 13:16

Ilovemeggy38 · 28/02/2025 00:07

I know, I absolutely know.
I hate these men
To think I have one in my bedroom, well it makes me ill.
But I do have one in my bedroom!
He pretends to be wonderful, he makes me coffee, he sees these women as less, he sees them as just a fuck, he sees them as not me, not their lovely girlfriends.
I fucking hate these men .

Then don’t live with one, OP. He disgusts you. You need to tell him what vile behaviour he’s exhibiting then leave, unless he understands and seriously promises to stop. . He won’t get it unless someone tells him.

MarrySlapDivorce · 28/02/2025 13:18

You know, he will be talking about you and your sex life to his friends too. Don't just think he is only like this with evil bitch boss. This is who he is and how he fundamentally views women.

Fraaances · 01/03/2025 02:29

Honestly, set things in place to divorce and tell his boss that she needs to put security cameras up all around the offices. She will soon have it on record how they speak about her. They won’t be able to help themselves.

RickiRaccoon · 01/03/2025 03:11

Yuck. Poor woman is just trying to get on with her job and be professional and workers trying to undermine her by thinking about and talking about her like that. Some men are so gross.

SilverDoe · 01/03/2025 03:29

My partner would literally never speak to me (or anyone) about another woman like this. Literally what on earth.

The stuff I read on here daily does make me so grateful for him and I honestly can't believe what is normal for some people

Blueberry911 · 01/03/2025 07:16

That's not mentionitis. That's sexual violence. How disgusting. I never say LTB but you need to set a standard for yourself here...

RedHelenB · 01/03/2025 07:30

Ilovemeggy38 · 28/02/2025 00:07

I know, I absolutely know.
I hate these men
To think I have one in my bedroom, well it makes me ill.
But I do have one in my bedroom!
He pretends to be wonderful, he makes me coffee, he sees these women as less, he sees them as just a fuck, he sees them as not me, not their lovely girlfriends.
I fucking hate these men .

So get rid of him then. It's your choice to put up with it.

TheMathofLoveTriangles · 01/03/2025 08:06

So your husband and his colleagues are making up sexual fantasies about a woman who is their superior because they view having sex with her as ‘owning’ or ‘dominating’ her.
Yuck.
And btw, that has nothing to do with their view of her, that’s very much an indication of the way your husband views sex generally.
The first comment about her ‘being railed’ and being annoyed about being asked to do overtime suggests he fancies her and is doing a bad job of covering it up.

ThimbleT · 01/03/2025 08:09

Ilovemeggy38 · 28/02/2025 00:07

I know, I absolutely know.
I hate these men
To think I have one in my bedroom, well it makes me ill.
But I do have one in my bedroom!
He pretends to be wonderful, he makes me coffee, he sees these women as less, he sees them as just a fuck, he sees them as not me, not their lovely girlfriends.
I fucking hate these men .

What are you planning to do with yours?

WonderingWanda · 01/03/2025 08:15

He sounds revolting. The way he described her is misogynistic and I would ditch him for that alone.

AnareticDegree · 01/03/2025 08:17

Disturbing thread.

Being "railed"??? Wtf.

OP can you not ask him straight, does he think that kind of attitude to women is acceptable and does he realise how bad it makes him sound?

Just before you dump him, obviously.

sweetpickle2 · 01/03/2025 08:20

If he’s saying this stuff to your face, imagine the chat behind your back. He’s a misogynistic and a horrible person.

Rfvvvv · 01/03/2025 08:23

I'm always amazed to read how women listen to this and yet continue to see these awful specimens.

Talulahalula · 01/03/2025 08:29

agree most of that, but not the bit about wanting a woman like her. He doesn’t respect this woman and if he did somehow end up in a relationship with her, the resentment and need to devalue would shape the relationship. Men who hate women also hate them in relationships. It comes across in the subtle and not so subtle ways of controlling and devaluing what they do.
It seems odd to me that OP thinks that he makes an exception for her as his girlfriend- that’s surely only going to be in so far as she fits his ideal of what a woman should be, which is presumably in some way subservient and inferior to him, no matter how many cups of coffee he brings.