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Original poster

Partner wanting me to help with his child

55 replies

Drdancer · 27/02/2025 23:33

My partner has a son with his ex, they split up when the little boy was 6 weeks old. She initiated the separation.

She moved back with their child to live with her parents five hours drive away.

He was allowed to see the child but because he was only a baby he could not have him overnight. He used to go up and stay in a bed and breakfast and take him out in the day.
I met my partner when his son was 3 and he was still seeing him only at weekends, he was scared the little boy would forget him. His ex and her parents would not let him take him over night still.

He really pushed me to meet the ex and her parents very early on in our relationship and they liked me. After a while they said my partner could take his son over night and in holidays as long as I was there.

As things have gone on and I have a good relationship with his little boy my partners behaviour has changed towards me. He shouts a lot, can be very moody, bad tempered, mean and disrespectful. It’s confusing.
When I look back I really do think when he met me he saw me as a means to get the trust of his ex and her parents and therefore more access to his child. They clearly didn’t trust him on his own with him. I have a job working with children and I almost feel he saw me as the ideal candidate to impress his ex and her family.
I so feel he used me for this and now he has what he wants he treats me like a nanny.
Am I being paranoid? Has anyone else a similar experience? I am thinking now about leaving him, not because I don’t like looking after his son but because of his behaviour to me which is almost abusive.

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 27/02/2025 23:35

The son issue is irrelevant.

His behaviour is unacceptable. End the relationship.

Seems like the ex was right to seperate and not allow him to see the child on his own doesn't it?

BobbyBiscuits · 27/02/2025 23:39

This man is treating you badly.
His son is frankly his own concern and you do not need to continue this relationship. You feel let down, used and betrayed and it's not acceptable.
Tell him you're breaking things off.
You shouldn't be dragooned into a parent role you haven't even vaguely consented to. He hasn't even had the decency to discuss it properly with you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/02/2025 23:39

Not almost abusive, actually abusive. I’m sorry you find yourself here. From what you say it isn’t really complicated at all. He lured you in and now he thinks he’s got you the mask has slipped. It’s okay to dump him. You’d be wise to do so. You don’t owe him, his child, his ex or her family anything and you need to prioritise yourself and move on.

No need to be snippy @NuffSaidSam since OP hasn’t given any criticism of his ex or her decisions at all. She’s been very open and fair. She’s certainly not to blame for the guy turning out to be a twat.

Neveranynamesleft · 27/02/2025 23:40

He is showing his true colours. Walk away.

MumChp · 27/02/2025 23:41

Time to move on.

Starlightstarbright4 · 27/02/2025 23:43

It won’t improve - walk away . Then tell mother why and block them all

NuffSaidSam · 27/02/2025 23:43

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/02/2025 23:39

Not almost abusive, actually abusive. I’m sorry you find yourself here. From what you say it isn’t really complicated at all. He lured you in and now he thinks he’s got you the mask has slipped. It’s okay to dump him. You’d be wise to do so. You don’t owe him, his child, his ex or her family anything and you need to prioritise yourself and move on.

No need to be snippy @NuffSaidSam since OP hasn’t given any criticism of his ex or her decisions at all. She’s been very open and fair. She’s certainly not to blame for the guy turning out to be a twat.

I wasn't being snippy. And I agree with you the OP has been nothing but generous to the ex and is certainly not to blame for the guy being a twat.

I'm sorry that you got victim blaming from my post! I didn't think it read that way. It's an interesting perspective.

Original poster
Drdancer · 27/02/2025 23:56

Starlightstarbright4 · 27/02/2025 23:43

It won’t improve - walk away . Then tell mother why and block them all

Thanks for the replies so far. I know it won’t change. I still can’t get my head around the manipulation.

OP posts:
Lonerangerr · 28/02/2025 00:05

I experienced a relationship like this. We met and very quickly he got me involved with his family and his exes family. He pushed the relationship between me and his daughter too. (Although I loved her so much and she was the cutest)

I thought nothing of it and slowly he became uncontrollable. Lashing out, shouting all the time, volatile, etc. Before I knew it, he was abusing me. I was so deep into the relationship and didn't see the red flags. Luckily, after a horrendous incident, I plucked up the courage to leave him.

Your situation reminds me very much of my ex. My advice to you is get out now before you're too far into it, these all sound like huge red flags

Stay safe xx

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/02/2025 00:11

"As things have gone on and I have a good relationship with his little boy my partners behaviour has changed towards me. He shouts a lot, can be very moody, bad tempered, mean and disrespectful. "

Not a nice man, you can see why his ex left him. And why she didn't trust him to have her son overnight. And why a condition of him having his son overnight or on holiday was "as long as I was there". Sad

You know what you need to do. Ditch him, and let the boy's mother know the what and the why of it. She needs to know that the environment she allowed her son to visit has radically changed, so that she can make an informed decision.

theboffinsarecoming · 28/02/2025 00:17

Well now you know why his ex dumped him. It takes a lot of courage to kick your 6 week-old baby's dad out, but she did it, and for good reason.

The man is seriously unpleasant, and I'd get shot of him I were you.

Original poster
Drdancer · 28/02/2025 00:19

Now I see his volatile moods I do think this is why they didn’t trust him on his own with his son. At first I thought it was me irritating him but I suspect he was just the same with his ex. I don’t understand why a man who is so selfish and moody would want to their child around them though.

OP posts:
FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 28/02/2025 00:22

" I don’t understand why a man who is so selfish and moody would want to their child around them though."

Ego.

These men see their children, especially sons as an extension of themselves. They get furious a woman would dare try to control how he sees his son, so he does everything to get the child, at the expense of the child, even though he doesn't really actually want the practical day to day that comes with being a parent.

Mudflaps · 28/02/2025 00:28

"He shouts a lot, can be very moody, bad tempered, mean and disrespectful". He is abusive. You are being abused. I'm sorry but it is that simple. He showed you a better (false) side to him until he got what he wanted, access to his son which I imagine had more to do with ego than love. Once he's gotten what he wanted his true colours appeared and the abuse started, it will get worse. Your job involves children which means his ex found it easier to trust you and its possible he targeted you for this reason. Get him out of your life asap, you can do better and be happier. When you've dumped him tell his ex why because he certainly won't tell her or her family the truth. If he's serious about seeing his son he'll go to court and fight for it.

Lampzade · 28/02/2025 00:31

Get rid and let the ex know why .
Dont waste a minute more with this man

caringcarer · 28/02/2025 00:35

theboffinsarecoming · 28/02/2025 00:17

Well now you know why his ex dumped him. It takes a lot of courage to kick your 6 week-old baby's dad out, but she did it, and for good reason.

The man is seriously unpleasant, and I'd get shot of him I were you.

This.

Codlingmoths · 28/02/2025 00:44

Please make sure the ex knows you’ve left him, so she can make fully informed decisions on her child’s welfare. Well done you on seeing this too.

Notgivenuphope · 28/02/2025 00:55

This reply has been deleted

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CheekyHobson · 28/02/2025 01:16

Drdancer · 27/02/2025 23:56

Thanks for the replies so far. I know it won’t change. I still can’t get my head around the manipulation.

Show quote history

You may never get your head around it, which is a good thing, as it shows you are a decent person.

Leave and don’t look back. And as a PP said, be sure to tell his ex why you left.

Dotty87 · 28/02/2025 07:59

You're seeing the real him now, this is exactly why his ex won't allow him to have their DS alone overnight, only when you're there.

He thinks you're sufficiently invested in the relationship that you're unlikely to leave, so feels he can start to let the mask slip.

Please end the relationship, this will get worse.

Dotty87 · 28/02/2025 08:41

Oh yes, and it's likely why she chose to move them five hours away from him.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 28/02/2025 08:52

‘I don’t understand’ and ‘I can’t get my head around’ are phrases I see on threads a lot. Written by women tying themselves into knots, attempting to work out why an abuser is being abusive. They often stay for years in the hope of getting a crumb of affection that was shown at the start and are trying to work out why they don’t get more crumbs.
Never try and work out an abuser. Their brains are wired differently. You will make yourself ill.
Having been around a man like this, who told me his ex was ‘crazy’ I did see why in the end.
He introduced me to his children too quickly and yes as soon as was off playing rugby and golf. Meanwhile I was looking after a dying parent and his two daughters.
A few months in, I walked away. I don’t regret it.
And the crazy ex turned out to be a lovely woman. She’s now happily remarried and I have a lovely partner.

Original poster
Drdancer · 28/02/2025 11:06

Peggy, I now can see that anyone who wants to introduce you to significant others like that too soon in a relationship isn’t a good sign.

OP posts:
mindutopia · 28/02/2025 11:12

I think it’s the fact that his ex and her family didn’t think he was safe to be overnight around his child until some random stranger turned up and then they were comfortable that a safe responsible adult could supervise his contact. That right there is a massive red flag. I’m curious what they were afraid of, does he tend to drink/use substances and they were comfortable you’d be sober and sensible? Does he have a tendency to get frustrated, have a short temper and blow up and they were worried he’d do this if woken during the night or in the morning?

CheekyHobson · 28/02/2025 11:18

Drdancer · 28/02/2025 11:06

Peggy, I now can see that anyone who wants to introduce you to significant others like that too soon in a relationship isn’t a good sign.

Honestly, the first bad sign was that his baby was only six weeks old when his ex left.

God knows my ex wasn’t great when my babies were small but when they were six weeks old I was exhausted and could barely get through the day, let alone be able to summon up the energy, finances and organization to leave a partner.

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