Partner wanting me to help with his child

[Drdancer]

My partner has a son with his ex, they split up when the little boy was 6 weeks old. She initiated the separation.

She moved back with their child to live with her parents five hours drive away.

He was allowed to see the child but because he was only a baby he could not have him overnight. He used to go up and stay in a bed and breakfast and take him out in the day.
I met my partner when his son was 3 and he was still seeing him only at weekends, he was scared the little boy would forget him. His ex and her parents would not let him take him over night still.

He really pushed me to meet the ex and her parents very early on in our relationship and they liked me. After a while they said my partner could take his son over night and in holidays as long as I was there.

As things have gone on and I have a good relationship with his little boy my partners behaviour has changed towards me. He shouts a lot, can be very moody, bad tempered, mean and disrespectful. It’s confusing.
When I look back I really do think when he met me he saw me as a means to get the trust of his ex and her parents and therefore more access to his child. They clearly didn’t trust him on his own with him. I have a job working with children and I almost feel he saw me as the ideal candidate to impress his ex and her family.
I so feel he used me for this and now he has what he wants he treats me like a nanny.
Am I being paranoid? Has anyone else a similar experience? I am thinking now about leaving him, not because I don’t like looking after his son but because of his behaviour to me which is almost abusive.

Well you naively projected your own values onto him. You accepted his version of events—he pretended that his ex had cruelly and without reason left her partner and home and community to move five hours away when her child was just six weeks old. He was an innocent victim.

In reality that is quite unusual. It should have set off alarm bells. Sure it can happen but six weeks after most births few people uproot themselves capriciously.

They are interviewing babysitters. Unpaid ones!

He used you to facilitate more access to his son and now cannot control how much he despises you.

You said you want to leave, are you living with him? I think you need to make plans to leave soon, this isn’t going to improve.

You can’t understand his thinking because you are a nice person and he is not. It wouldn’t occur to you to act like this and use someone for your own gain. You won’t ever understand, all you need to know is that he doesn’t treat you well. Full stop.

Pikkumyy, does it come across to you I accepted he had been cruelly treated by his ex? I don’t think I ever thought she had been unreasonable. What I do think, looking back is that I thought (or rather hoped) things would be different with us. Which is of course just as naive.
What my friend has suggested is that I am a “rescuer” and from the job I do he would know I am a caring person and that might come over as being a pushover.

I was a push over for so long but I have woken up.

There was a big part of me that initially saw him as vulnerable because he was missing his child - I hope I’ll never do that again.

But to be fair, I never ever thought his ex was in the wrong, I knew there had to be another side to the story.

Mindutopia I think it was the shouting and swearing, something that didn’t manifest itself to me until many months after I met him.

Farmerdrama, we don’t live together and I think this tells me I have always had some uncertainty. You’re right, the shouting and swearing came as a big shock to me, it’s not something I had previously been around.

Op not sure of your plans moving forwards but I'd you decide to end this relationship would you inform xw why you have, if I was xw I would want to know to protect my child, sounds like she entrusted her child to visits because you are a nice caring trusting person for baby to be around, unfortunately partner not , good luck op

Omg I wasn’t going to as I want to cut myself off from the situation but after reading replies on here I will because it’s potentially a safeguarding issue.

They dont want him to have his son unattended? Massive red flag, and you've had it confirmed to you there's trouble with his behaviour. Run for the hills, why on earth should you be some kind of downtrodden nanny-chaperone? 🤨

Could you speak to her to give her the heads up, before ending it him, so he doesn't do the, she's bitter or something to xw then aleast you have been open and honest with xw she can do what she wants with information, only thinking this weekend ahead would he of had child because he won't be telling her about your ' ending relationship and why !!'

Unfortunately you need to think like a man, they will use women for any number of things or reasons, the majority don't even like women they just need us to facilitate their lives, as you now know.

Why bother?
Just leave asap

In your shoes I'd contact your local police and use Claire's Law. They can contact his ex, they can also support you in leaving this relationship.

I am wondering now if he was violent with his ex.
He has bragged about a few occasions when he has hit other men - always justified as having being provoked, almost as if he was being the hero, once got a police warning. He’s always said he doesn’t hit women but now I think if he can get a police warning for assaulting another man what would stop him from doing it to a woman.
Lots of clarity and making me reflect from the posts on here.

I'm sorry that you're going through this op. Hopefully you're planning to break up with him and are going to do so as safely as possible. Without meaning to scare you , men like him tend to not go quietly so please use any support you can from friends , family and possibly womens aid.

Am I being paranoid?

No!

Thankyou Friends, this afternoon have been talking to someone who lives very near to me and can be here quickly if needed. Am going to briefly text his ex with a short explanation of what’s going on.

I’ve also been thinking after reflecting on what people on here have said that he wanted to be going out with someone to try and show other people that he is nice and there is nothing wrong with him.

By someone 'who can be here quickly', are you planning on seeing this volatile man face to face? I wouldn't!

You don't live together and he's already shown you who he is.

If this were me, I'd let the ex know (as you plan to do), but then I'd either phone or text this man something along these lines "After your recent behaviours I have been giving our relationship a good deal of thought. I have decided that it is no longer working for me and so I am ending it. I do not wish to discuss it, my decision is final".

If you have things at his place unless they are very valuable or sentimental I'd just figure them a cheap price to pay for a lesson learned. If there are things that you really want back, ask him to send them to you or arrange for someone big and burly either pick them up or to accompany you. You do NOT want to go to his home alone, if you have to go at all.

If he has things at yours, box them up and drop them at his parents or send them to him. You do not want him coming to pick them up. If he absolutely insists on 'picking them up' either leave them on your doorstep at an appointed time or meet him at a neutral location. In either case, have someone with you.

This ^
I agree you should let the little boy’s family know why you’ve left. Poor little chap but you must think of yourself.

Across, thank you. He hasn’t spent much time at my home as I don’t live alone. I have been gradually bringing things of mine back that I had left at this place over the last few months.

Good for you. Sounds to me as if you've seen (or feeling) this coming for some time then.

Then as I suggested I'd let him know it's over via text or phone and simultaneously let his ex know.

I don't think I'd go into big detail with the ex due to the possibility that she'll repeat what you say to him if/when she tells him she doesn't intend to let him see the child. I'd probably just say "Wanted to let you know that XX and I aren't together anymore. This means that I won't be there when he sees <child's name>" and leave it at that. Chances are that such a terse message may tell her all she needs to know without you saying a word. Let her contact you if she wants to know more and tailor your responses to the questions asked.

I think you recognise the problem - he’s abusive. The child situation is a red herring in this situation.

Can you ask his Ex what happened between them? Also, tell her how you're feeling about the relationship. She can then consider her custody arrangements x