My husband stayed out all night. He's still not back. This is not the first time he has done it. When we were first married he did it all the time. Back then, I cared, I used to picture him with someone else, I used to phone him, sob and scream down the phone at him and accuse him of all manner of things. He would turn it all round on me so he could avoid blame and he'd manipulate ME into apologising! Bastard.
Nowadays, of course, I'm older and wiser and those tricks no longer work on me. I laugh at him and tell him to stop trying to manipulate me. Nowadays I don't phone him when he pulls an all nighter, I just go to bed - and he very rarely does it now, just a few times a year these days, not the AT LEAST once a week he did it 10 years ago. I remember once when he disappeared for a couple of days, leaving me alone with ds1 (when I was pregnant with ds2) I slipped on a nappy sack and fell on my stomach. I phoned him hysterical and he accused me of lying in order to control him and 'make' him come home. When he got back and saw my bruising, well, he couldn't apologise enough, but it was too late then, wasn't it?
Once when he disappeared I phoned his brother because I was so pissed off! A few times I phoned my parents to come and get me, but I always went back, because my need to be married was greater than my need to be treated with respect in that marriage.
Once I found a girl's phone number and when I rang it, she described his car and told me he had tried to convince her to go to a hotel with him, but she'd declined.
Once I had a phone call from a VERY angry woman who ran a dating agency, claiming my husband had tried to get someone to meet him and that "We're not that sort of agency!" I couldn't help it, her tone was so funny that I laughed! She said "I don't know what sort of marriage you have but.." at which I cut her off and apologised. He of course, said someone at the conference he was at must have done it and how stupid would it have been to give them his home number when he wasn't even there - couldn't argue wih that could I? Had to give benefit of doubt. But I knew, oh yes I did.
Once he got arrested because some girl went to the police and said he'd been far too peristant in trying to get her to go into his car The police came for him and took him away. They dropped him back home hours later, no charges, because he'd told them that he had only asked the girl for her advice about where to get an incar phone charger, she'd told him and he'd offered her a lift, she'd said no and he'd left. The police had investigated before picking up my husband - they already knew every place he'd been that day. He told them every place he'd been that day, they knew he'd actually gone and bought a car charger, so his story added up and they told him he had to be careful in future that he wasn't misunderstood. The policeman who brought him home ended up telling my husband which pub he drinks in and now they sometimes end up having a pint together He IS such a charmer, my husband. But again, benefit of the doubt because it is believeable, and it could be true. The police certainly believed so.
There's so much more. Over the last year, he's taken against my parents for - get this - the way they treat me! I could laugh my arse off! But he is hostile about them, and wants them to 'show some effort' with us. He's putting distance between me and them. But if I have to choose, I have to choose him, because I need him more than I need them.
I'm the one on here who bangs on about sex not being the be all and end all of a marriage, and until this morning, I thought I meant it. I truly thought we had a sex-free marriage because sex wasn't important to us as a couple. But I have been fooling myself. We have a sex free marriage because it's not a marriage. He doesn't want it and never has, tbh. From day one he never really wanted it. I wonder if he also just wanted to be married rather than wanted to marry ME?
I used to want it, it used to be me who initiated it every single time - never did he EVERY seduce me, it was always me begging him. But I only did it because the more he rejected me, the more desperate I was to have sex with him to feel desirable. In the end I got rejected time after time after time and I stopped trying, started eating myself to death and eventually lost all sensation in my nethers through lack of use!
We haven't had sex since December 2000. I remember it because that's when he got the girl's phone number. - card transactions showed he was in the north of england when he told me he'd spent the night in his car in London! He lied and lied and lied until I pulled out the statement. His face was a picture!
My sister told me the other day that she has always thought our marriage to be so very very sad. (in the true sense of the word). My sister thinks he's actually gay. I don't know because I think he's been unfaithful to me and since that number was the number of a woman??? But then who knows, because I feel like he's gay too.
But you know what - HE is the reason I am so fat. HE has done that to me! My body weight has more than doubled in the last 10 years. I comfort ate because I was so unhappy with him and the way he treated me. Every time he disappeared, I ate all night. I should have left him then, but I needed to be married.
Now I don't care anymore but I'm trapped by my own weight and health and I need him. I physically need him for the practical things - taking the kids to school, going to the shop, doing the stuff around the house....
But I realised this morning, when I briefly wondered if he'd been in an accident and thought "oh well, the police will let me know" rolled over and went back to sleep, then woke up again briefly to think about how my finances would be without him and felt quite happy about the fact that I'd actually have MORE money because he wouldn't be around to dictate where it got spent , well, it came to me in a flash that I didn't actually care where he was, what he was doing or with whom, and that all I cared about was that he is home by Monday morning to take the kids to school well, I realised I don't love him anymore - if in fact I ever loved him. Maybe I just loved the idea of being married because I wanted to show the world someone wanted me. (although he doesn't, iyswim, I still have that ring. It's not on my finger anymore, haven't worn it for years, it doesn't fit. I think it's probably quite telling that I have never gone to get a bigger one, or have it enlarged..)
I can't leave him now because I rely on him. I also don't want to be a single parent of 2 kids with autism. We don't share a bed. He sleeps on the sofa and has done for years. I fool myself it's practical, I have a bipap, I disturb him, he needs his rest, but do you know, I'd HATE to have to sleep in the same bed again.
But we get on fine - we chat, we have a laugh, we're actually really really good mates.
But I realise this morning that I have been FOOLING myself into thinking we have a marriage, because we don't. He's my carer. He's my housemate. He's my pal. He's my nanny. I really do like him as it happens But he's not my husband and I actually don't care who he shags as long as he's back here when I need him.
So really, I'm using him.
But he brought it on himself because of how he treated me. He nearly destroyed me. And now I don't care anymore he can't hurt me.
But I also realise now WHY I can't lose the wieght and why at the last minute I have chickened out of the op - it's because if I lose the weight I will be able to function alone. I won't be physically reliant on him and I could leave and that scares me. So now I know why I am sabotaging my weight loss attempts, it's because I am scared of facing life on my own.