To give up on long term friend?

[user2025]

Been close since university, met at 20/21 years old, but even after we left uni we were still very close as we live in the same city, speaking at least once every two weeks, but more like every few days. Our lives have gone in different directions (now mid thirties) she got married and had children whilst I had an engagement break down nearly 10 years ago and have been very single ever since.

The past few years, I've been feeling like things have changed, things don't feel balanced, things feel more on her terms. I feel her effort is limited, I don't feel the same warmth from her that I used to in texts, but when we meet up (recently more arranged by me) we have a great time and she says she's enjoyed it. But then I don't hear from her for weeks and weeks until I end up checking in and asking how are her and the kids.

Part of me thinks that maybe she is just busier now being a mum, but there is always time to drop me a text when the children have gone to bed? She very rarely messages me to say hi or ask how I'm doing and I just feel like this friendship isn't working anymore but I can't imagine my life without her in it and I'm feeling really upset by it. I don't want to loose her friendship, but it feels as though she's lukewarm about mine.

Another friend I confided in said that maybe she doesn't feel the need to be in touch all the time as we have a deeper friendship now, but I can't see how it can be a 'deeper friendship' when I feel we are never in touch anymore? It actually feels like she can take me or leave me. And I'm starting to feel like I don't want to be in touch because I might be irritating to her and if she wanted to chat more, she would make that effort? She does respond when I text her and tell me any news, but it feels like its always me reaching out first.

Can't speak to her about it as I tried that a few years ago, mentioned she seemed distant and is everything ok? She responded that it isn't anything to do with me and she's just busy but she hasn't made the effort to make things better.

Long story short, long time former best friend has gone distant on me in the past few years, rarely texting me, responding only if I text her first. But she is happy to meet up and spend time with me and seems to have a good time but then goes back to being distant in between meeting.

Some of my closest friends are people that I rarely speak to - life is busy between kids and work. Between us sometimes we just don’t have the time or energy and that’s ok. I’ve never doubted our friendship for a moment, our bond is still as strong as ever and we have a brilliant time when we meet or talk.

I’m very pro not binning off long term friends. You need people in your life that you have grown with in my opinion - they understand your struggles better than anyone else. However, this is MN where everyone seems to block their friends at the slightest hint of trouble so I accept that I’m probably going to be in the minority here.

I get that, and I feel like this is okay if that has always been the case in the friendship, but my issue here is that there has been an obvious shift in communication and not on my terms. I want to be in touch with friends often. So for her not to think to drop a text in weeks and weeks, it isn't how things used to be. I have a lot to tell her about, but I don't see why it should always be me doing the running.

I think this is just a case of mismatched expectations on friendship.
People are allowed to change throughout the different stages of their life. As a married working mum myself I could never function in a friendship where I was expected to check in regularly over texts. I don't think there's anything wrong with you needing those things from your friends, but I also don't think there's anything wrong with people not wanting to meet those expectations.

Maybe - if your friend is anything like me - her social needs get met mostly by her husband, and her social battery is drained by her children throughout the day. At night when they're in bed, she may need time to recharge and put her own needs first. Especially if the texting and checking in is something she'd have to do mainly for you, and not because she wants/needs it. Then it becomes just another obligation, something she needs to do for someone else. And she's probably got enough of that going on already.

I can say with absolute certainty that I have very deep, meaningful friendships, none of which involve daily or weekly contact via text. If I was your friend I'd probably even be shocked to hear that a friend would label our friendship as you have, just because I'm not checking in regularly. When life is already filled with obligations, it's nice to have friends who are happy to be around you when you have the headspace for it, and who lovingly accept you for who you are even when you don't.

@user2025 I agree with @Girlmom35.

I have been both the single friend who was doing all or most of the running trying to keep in touch with friends that had partners and children and the one wanting more than I was receiving. When I stopped doing all the running the friendships completely dwindled off.

I have also been the busy mum with a DH and baby with a single friend that wanted more from the friendship than I had to offer at the time and as much as I tried to be nice about it she just couldn’t accept that I didn’t have any babysitters so I couldn’t go out or go to the gym around her availability anymore and I didn’t have the time or the energy to be at her beck and call to listen to her dramas at the drop of hat as I was exhausted with a young baby and my life had changed beyond recognition. I remember one day she turned up at my house unannounced on her day off. I had a young baby we were both ill, I was still in my dressing gown, I was half up the stairs about to try and put my baby down for a morning nap whilst I got 30 mins rest after being up all night. She had no awareness of how exhausted and ill I was and was just going on and on about her own dramas.

I think I would seriously dial back on the messaging front (that sounds exhausting, too much and overwhelming) do this quietly without flouncing and snide comments, meanwhile try and expand your interests and circle of friends so that you aren’t so dependent on just the one friend. If you can do this you can possibly retain the friendship in the future if you both want to so although you will likely have to accept that you won’t see or hear as much of her and that you won’t be her number one priority any longer (but you could still be a good friend when you meet up occasionally if you both want to be).

Life changes and friendships also change along the way. You can either accept this current situation or move on. Some friends stay others drift apart.

I am finding myself in a situation at the moment in my late 50’s. Where my kids have left home, my DH is ill and I could do with having more friends around me.

But I think a certain friendship that I really enjoyed may have run its course recently. My gut instinct told me something was off but I thought I was imagining it. I am quite sad about it and I will miss them both but I am trying to accept it and move on without any major falling out (that you can’t recover from), if we pick up again at a later date thats fine but if not as I suspect is the case I have to accept that the friendship has run its course and is over. I want more than they are prepared to give. I am trying to keep myself busy by trying out a couple of new different activities and accepting other offers that I might have knocked back so my life is fuller and I miss them less but it is hard.

Take care OP.

Her family first, you second..perfectly normal. I would just keep things ticking along.

Honestly, OP - the early years of parenting are pretty all consuming. It’s not just the physical exhaustion - though that’s considerable - running a family is emotionally and mentally draining. That’s why she doesn’t text in the evening after the kids are in bed. She probably feels hollowed out and just wants to flop. It sounds like the children are still very young. Once they’re older (like 7 or older), she will start to get a bit of time back (though not much); once they become adolescents, she will likely get a bit more time back. Right now, she probably feels she has very little emotional energy to spare. And it really isn’t about you - it’s about her phase of life.

It’s natural for you to feel a bit hurt. But I agree with the poster above - I’m not a fan of ending friendships unless someone has done something truly obnoxious. My long-term friends and I all went through very quiet patches in our friendships when we had young families. Good friendships have space to accommodate these quiet patches.

I wouldn't do or say anything drastic. Scale back your expectations and your hopes of meeting up / communication. In the future you might both be in an easier position to continue growing the friendship. But for now it's not a main priority. She probably needs people around her at the moment in a similar situation to herself.

It is really hurtful when this happens. I am you in the scenario and the vast majority of my friends followed the same path as your friend - married and had children - while I have remained single with no children.

The friendships have drifted. I've never instigated any big break up, but I simply stopped trying and matched the effort coming from them.

Naturally, their partners and children became their priority, and friendships became lower tier priority. Whereas for me, friendships were a priority for me.

The best thing you can do is drop the rope with this one. Keep in occasional contact for important occasions like birthdays. But put your energy into meeting new people who you can form a new connection with, friends who you can spend regular time with.

OP could you tell us exactly how often you are expecting contact?
I agree that long term friendships can go months and months without contact, even years.

Agree with this. I think the very regular OTT texting gets too much for most people and it would wear anyone down. So when you meet new friends try not to get into a pattern of such high intensity texting and messaging.

Thanks for responses. I just think I expect to hear at least every 2 weeks, particularly as we used to speak at least once a week and probably closer to every few days.

I get things change, but not hearing from her for up to a month is very unusual. I'm hurt that she hasn't thought to check in on me in all that time.

You sound awfully needy OP. Maybe you need to branch out a bit and stop pinning everything on this one friend. If I was your friend this sort of attitude and lack of understanding that she has a much busier life would drive me away from you. Low maintenance friendships are the ones that survive a lifetime for a reason.

I last spoke to my closest, most long term friend about 3 months ago! We don’t need to be in contact 24/7 to know that we’re there for each other - that’s a very juvenile attitude in my opinion.

This is just how she is now so I'd put your efforts into making more friends so you are less reliant on her.

I think that the patterns of contact are inevitably going to change over a long friendship. It’s unfortunate that you currently feel your needs aren’t being met, but in your shoes, I’d see if I can have that need for more frequent contact met elsewhere, and just be patient with this one, as a good, longtime friendship will survive fallow patches.

Part of me thinks that maybe she is just busier now being a mum, but there is always time to drop me a text when the children have gone to bed?

I can't speak for all mums, but after a full day being everything to everyone else - my kids, my employer, my pet, my husband, my house - I would never start up a text chat with a friend at the end of my day. I'm done doing anything for anyone, have a bath and go to bed by about 9pm. If I get a text after my working day (not just paid work) is done, I ignore it til the next day.

It might seem sensible to assume that her time is free once the dc are in bed, but actually, she's probably only just at that point getting time for herself.

She will have thought to check in. I promise. But the fact that a check in then becomes a conversation back and forth, and likely then an expectation to make A Plan, it's just more admin. Its easier sometimes to not check in, and bear the guilt.

I did speak to her about it a while ago, mentioned over text that I felt it sad we are no longer close and that I never hear from her. Her response was that she had been busy.

You would think that may encourage someone to make more effort if you valued the friendship but it hasn't, clearly. She spends time with her other friends with children I see.

I think her life and priorities may have changed and moved on either temporarily ir permanently. You will have to accept this.

You may still remain friends but see and hear much less of each other or drift apart completely. But you can’t force someone to communicate more regularly or see you more. This is likely to make them communicate less and want to see you less.

Either way I would try and expand your interests and friendships so you are dwelling less on this. I am having to do similar.

I think it is likely just different friendship styles. I also think that generally (not always) older people are in less close contact than younger people, and she has moved to a different style and you haven't. I don't really have any friends that I message every two weeks, but I do have some good friends. My 22 year old daughter, on the other hand, still has friends that she is in contact with almost continuously (and others that are less frequent and not necessarily much less close).

I agree here. You are in different wavelengths at the moment as she has kids and you don’t. Interests are different when you have kids, priorities are different. I’m sorry but when you have kids, conversations with childless friends just don’t hit the mark. I don’t mean to be condescending it’s just priorities are totally different as there are more responsibilities as a parent.

Friends can come and go out of your life, just as you aren’t as close now it doesn’t mean that you won’t become better friends again in the future when her life quietens down a bit. Don’t say anything.

It sounds like she really is just busy.

I feel for you - when my friends all partnered up and had kids and I was single I felt very lonely. I had a lot of time, and a lot of space and energy and appetite for friendships and socialising, but all the people I’d felt closest to were busy juggling family and work and in-laws and constant child-borne illnesses.

I’m now a middle aged parent of a young child, juggling work and family plus elder care. I haven’t seen any of my closest friends for easily 18 months - we send each other memes now and then. I mainly spend my time with other people in similar situations - not because I prefer those people, but because they happen to turn up in the same places I have to be anyway (school gate, kids’ activities, carers’ groups).

Don’t give up on your friend - but it sounds like managing your own expectations of what this friendship can be for you, in this season, might help you feel lighter about it. Put your energy into finding people to have fun with in this stage of your life - people who have more time and capacity for getting together and keeping in touch.

This is a frustrating read. She spends time with friends with kids because they all currently use the same spaces - if she's anything like me and my friends they agree on a soft play, and spend all their time there running round after their own children. The trip ends with "maybe we will get a chance to talk to each other properly in 5 years"

She's told you she's busy. You think she needs to get in touch more. She clearly thinks you need to lower your expectations. You are both a bit right and a bit wrong. Stop making this all her fault.

She also spends time with parents of children as they understand what it’s like to be sleep deprived, deal with toddler tantrums, talk about the same worries, rant about how your partner does and doesn’t do so and so with the kids or house.

Shes not interested in going to a nice restaurant or going out for drinks etc etc. She not interested to hear how you went for away for a nice spa weekend or got totally pissed the other night etc etc (these are just examples, not saying you do these) She wants to spend time with someone who has the same mindset/ stresses. I think she doesn’t need to explain herself. Point is your conversations are trivial compared to hers. I used to think like you before and when I had kids I understood. Sorry!

Have you ever messaged her, OP, "oh I see you and little Johnny like going to The Fun Shack / baby sensory / messy play classes - if you ever fancy some company to any of these give me a shout!! Happy to come and join in on whatever the two of you are up to"

My best friend and I message once every few months. You do sound a little needy tbh.