To give up on long term friend?

[user2025]

Been close since university, met at 20/21 years old, but even after we left uni we were still very close as we live in the same city, speaking at least once every two weeks, but more like every few days. Our lives have gone in different directions (now mid thirties) she got married and had children whilst I had an engagement break down nearly 10 years ago and have been very single ever since.

The past few years, I've been feeling like things have changed, things don't feel balanced, things feel more on her terms. I feel her effort is limited, I don't feel the same warmth from her that I used to in texts, but when we meet up (recently more arranged by me) we have a great time and she says she's enjoyed it. But then I don't hear from her for weeks and weeks until I end up checking in and asking how are her and the kids.

Part of me thinks that maybe she is just busier now being a mum, but there is always time to drop me a text when the children have gone to bed? She very rarely messages me to say hi or ask how I'm doing and I just feel like this friendship isn't working anymore but I can't imagine my life without her in it and I'm feeling really upset by it. I don't want to loose her friendship, but it feels as though she's lukewarm about mine.

Another friend I confided in said that maybe she doesn't feel the need to be in touch all the time as we have a deeper friendship now, but I can't see how it can be a 'deeper friendship' when I feel we are never in touch anymore? It actually feels like she can take me or leave me. And I'm starting to feel like I don't want to be in touch because I might be irritating to her and if she wanted to chat more, she would make that effort? She does respond when I text her and tell me any news, but it feels like its always me reaching out first.

Can't speak to her about it as I tried that a few years ago, mentioned she seemed distant and is everything ok? She responded that it isn't anything to do with me and she's just busy but she hasn't made the effort to make things better.

Long story short, long time former best friend has gone distant on me in the past few years, rarely texting me, responding only if I text her first. But she is happy to meet up and spend time with me and seems to have a good time but then goes back to being distant in between meeting.

She can see her friends with children because that happens at the same time as looking after her kids. Their needs and energies are the same.

Yours are different. She won’t have the bandwidth after the children are in bed, and your contact expectations are very high.

You can feel aggrieved about it or you can accept that for the next few years things will be different. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about you.

It happens to most of us - when we are at different life stages to our friends we drift to less contact for a while and are more regularly in touch when they align again.

You would think that may encourage someone to make more effort if you valued the friendship but it hasn't, clearly.

^ This made me laugh. No. Just no. You can’t pour from an empty vessel, OP.

It won’t “encourage” her to get in contact more because the early years of parenthood are all consuming and bloody knackering.

It’s no wonder so many people on MN complain about having no friends if so many think it’s fine to ditch your friends when you have kids. Fine, but don’t expect them to be there for you when your kids are older and you can bear to hear about the trivialities of childfree life again.

OP doesn’t sound needy at all. It’s very normal in my world to talk to friends multiple times a week. I wouldn’t class someone I only speak to every few months as a close friend. I wouldn’t bother with this woman any more either. She’ll likely regret not making any effort when her kids are teenagers and don’t want to spend time with her but she hasn’t got anyone else in her life because she couldn’t be arsed to take 30 seconds to send a text. Friendships are really undervalued in our society and it’s a shame - yet people then have the nerve to complain they don’t have “a village”. Can’t have it both ways!

Do you have young children?

No. Most of my friends are (thankfully) childfree. I do have one with kids though and even she still managed to go for coffee every few weeks when she had a baby under one who didn’t sleep. If someone values my friendship I expect them to make an effort, even if a reduced one. If they can’t be bothered, in the bin with them.

I think this is how long term friendships change in your 30s. I have local friends who I run into regularly and we might message weekly because our kids are friends or have shared activities. But my long term friendships from my teens who are not local, I would say we might speak a few times a year. I greatly value their friendships, but I feel very touched out and when I finally get to sit down after kids are sorted and in bed, the last thing I want to do is talk with or message anyone. It’s exhausting.

I would say I do have one or two old friends who are particularly intense and needy and I do very intentionally keep them a bit at arm’s length because I find them exhausting. People who message and message and message to get a response are hard work. I’ve tended to move away from them and more towards friends who are the sort of friend I am. Sometimes you just are mismatched. Friendship is more about fun and connection, not demanding someone meet your needs.

How often did she bring a mobile and rambunctious 2 or 3 year old out to meet you for a coffee?

Once she brought the kid when she was about 7 months old. The other times she came alone. The toddler has another parent perfectly capable of looking after her

Not everyone does.

Yea ask her again when the baby is a toddler or when she has 2 + kids, or try to meet up with.a friend without a baby who breastfeeds! I don’t think you will be meeting up for coffee very often, nor will you be part of her “village” that you speak of. There’s a lack of insight there.

She does have 2 kids actually. Well no, if she stopped making any effort whatsoever with me then we wouldn’t be meeting up but she does, and we do, do clearly it’s possible

Sure!

@user2025 you hit the nail on the head. If you are busy then you are busy period. However, she has time for chosen friends. Just not you.

I think you have grown apart as she can't share everything with you as you don't have the shared experience of motherhood. She may come back when the kids are oldee

I don’t think it’s fine. I was childfree till just shy of 40, and before and after then my friendships have been consumingly important to me, whether they’ve been friendships with childfree people of either sex, or parents, or the geographically close or distant.

What I am also aware of, however, is that good, mutually-sustaining, longterm friendships need to be flexible according to the needs of both parties at any particular point. There will be times when one or both people will drop away temporarily, or feel their needs are unmet by how much the other person has to give at a particular juncture. It could be parenthood, or work, or bereavement, or a relationship, or illness or depression or a move, or any number of other things that affect how much energy someone has to give.

The other person can either ditch the friend for not meeting their needs, or accept that this friendship can’t meet their needs at this moment, and look to other relationships for that, leaving the door open. While also acknowledging that not all friendships are lifelong. It doesn’t mean they didn’t have value.

A close friend of mine never got in touch again after I told her I was pregnant (which surprised everyone — I’d been happily childfree my whole adult life) and ignored my calls and messages. We’ve just reconnected. DS is almost 13. I’m glad I didn’t close the door.

Please hang in there, I was a terrible friend when my kids were little! I got better ☺️

Could not agree more. OP does not sound needy at all. I think she should go out and make some new friends (probably people without children). I understand that being a parent is demanding, but it's unreasonable to ditch your friends for years, then expect them to be there for you when the children have grown up and you are perhaps feeling a bit lonely. She has moved on with her life, and OP should move on with hers.

I think good friendships can be sustained over the years without frequent communication. I'm a lot older than you and have many longterm friends I've known for decades. Some I see every few months, some maybe once a year, smne every few years. As a teen I saw my best friend pretty much everyday, in our 2Os we'd see each other every few weeks. Now we meet between 4 and 6 times a year but can go several weeks without messaging at all. Our friendship hasn't changed.

I think you're expecting too much of someone with a busy life and other priorities - children, husband, work, house admin, other family ties etc.

Don't throw it away just because you don't hear from her for a couple of weeks - but maybe find new hobbies and interests where you can find new friends, or simply, to fill your time.

I wouldn’t have the bandwidth for someone expecting as much as you op. Especially if my dc were very young. Everything has changed between you because her priorities are now her children, not her friendships.

If you care about the friendship then cut her some slack. Or don’t and lose a perfectly good friend but you can’t have this friendship all on your terms. You are not even attempting to understand her pov.

I have grown up dc, and still require a lot of support and my time. Many dc stay at home much longer these days, and I would expect to be busy with grandchildren, as well as working and enjoying my own hobbies and downtime. Getting lonely sounds like a bit of a luxury tbh!

Well good for you, but I can assure you that getting lonely is not a 'luxury' for some of us.

OP I genuinely didnt get it before I had a baby and was determined to not lose friends but what i did notice was that friendships change and that's ok. I have made new mum friends who i meet up with a lot more frequently because we are at the same places, have lots in common (eg same struggles), have the same time off etc. My pre-mum friends just dont get my life and I dont entirely get theres and that's ok (work dramas and dating chat is just energy draining at times.) We still keep in contact but everyone is busy and everyone moved on. I suspect your problem isnt your friend but more that you havent adapted to this change either. If shes married with kids, have you moved on and found other friends and hobbies to fill your time or do you still expect her to do that? You dont need to lose her as a friend but you do need to adapt to changing friendships.

I promise you your friend will have been thinking about you but that doesnt always translate into actual contact. There is no way to understand how all consuming young children are. When/if they go to bed you are tidying and planning for the next days, you are getting a shower or talking to your husband and getting to bed asap. It can be literal survival at times.

What you expect is quite a lot - 'At least every 2 weeks,' she probably doesnt have much to say to you. Young children take up a lot of time and effort but life with them is very repetitive. What do you need to talk to her about that often?

I have been very lucky as my child sleeps so well and my husband is quite hands on so I am able to catch up with friends and try and msg as much as possible but I'm sure some of my friends will still feel neglected but I cant give anymore.

I talk to people in work more than some of my closest friends who I'd bare my soul to, how often you speak to someone isnt the measure of a good friendship.

Its telling that almost all the responses agree (except of course the people who dont have young children 🙈).

Mothering and wifing and associated life admin is a full time job, 24/7.

Give her space, keep up contact. One day the kids will need less of her time and you might get your old friend back.

@user2025 I am you in this scenario but years down the line. I really feel for you. I actually helped my friends out with their children. I now wish I'd put that time into something else because I have been completely abandoned and I'm very isolated.

On that basis, I'm not sure whether I'd recommend walking away. But you may find that if you don't contact her, you'll end up with just a Christmas card.

It is really difficult. I suppose at least I can say that I didn't let go of the friendship?

Funnily enough, I think this thread makes it very clear - along with many other threads - that people with families just find us a problematic obligation. And no one wants to be that person.

There are child free groups in London at least and I do think I should've joined one while I was still living there.

for what it's worth, I don't think it's needy at all to be messaging a couple of times a week. My parents raised us while working long hours and they still had time for friends. There has been a massive shift in values.

Sorry, this is a waffle. But my big regret is putting in time to such people. I travelled to them when they wanted me to, I helped out one single mum a fair bit with childcare and years later, when I had a nervous breakdown - she said did not have time to help me with anything. Her child was 14 by then.

I'm sorry for your experiences but a teen of 14 still very much needs parenting, albeit of a different kind from when they were younger. You make it sound like this person should have dropped everything for you because her child was by now self sufficient.

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