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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Female coworker should I be concerned?

59 replies

HappyLife4days · 27/02/2025 16:40

I recently found out about a female coworker that my husband is close with from attending his work Christmas do. They danced together, she followed us round all night and he was concerned when a ‘creepy’ man showed interest in her and left me to go check on her.

since then he has told me that she’s just a friend but she keeps coming back up. I found out they occasionally go on lunch together to the shops, make breakfast together at work (eat the same thing), she text him to say she would be late to work so she wouldn’t be able to make breakfast so he made it for her. He made sure she wasn’t walking on her own one night, they’ve given each other lifts.

I’ve said I don’t feel comfortable with any of it, don’t feel comfortable with him going on lunch with her etc. she’s married and has a kid as are we and I’m currently 36 weeks pregnant.

what should I do? Am I being controlling by asking him not to go on lunch with her? She’s come up a few times now and nothing seems to change if anything I just find out that they are closer then I thought. There’s more to it but can’t write everything that has happened

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 27/02/2025 16:42

Yikes! This is bad.

Alalalala · 27/02/2025 16:43

Oh dear. Sorry this looks very bad. You need to have a come to Jesus conversation where you lay on the line everything he stands to lose.

maclen · 27/02/2025 18:07

Well.. I'd say it depends on what she / he looks like too... Also her age... but either way no I wouldn't be happy with this level of 'commitment' to a friend

babyproblems · 27/02/2025 18:13

This has more bells on than a Christmas sleigh. Honestly what is he thinking!! I’d be thinking carefully.. could you invite her out for a coffee? Suss her out a bit more.. I’d probably do that as a first step or if that’s too weird I’d even invite her and husband for a dinner (out somewhere) and then next I’d get her out for a coffee on her own and just try and gauge if she is really a bit of a weirdo or if you think there’s something else here. From your original post it certainly sounds like there’s something going on or about to go on. Good luck to you x

DarlingDay · 27/02/2025 18:25

Where are all these workplaces where people are having lunch and making brekkie together? I swear there's a thread every week about people and their 'work wives/husbands'. Where I work, people go to work, eat at their desks, might nip to the kitchen together to help the other carry the teas etc... I wouldn't like this at all.

Completelyjo · 27/02/2025 18:28

This sort of thing is totally normal in my office. What’s wrong with them making breakfast in the work kitchen with the same cereal or having lunch together?

Frankly if you’re worried he is or will cheat on you then banning him from picking up a sandwich with a colleague is the least of your worries and won’t help.

MayonnaiseHairMask · 27/02/2025 18:44

I don't thinking asking him not to go to lunch is the point, tell him he's making a fool of himself and your marriage and to snap out of his crush before it affects work and your family income as you're about to have his baby and need him to be providing and undistracted with an affair. If you can financially afford it, dump him.

Pleasesaveme · 27/02/2025 18:53

I agree with pp.

They are behaving like a couple.

You really need to tell him how this relationship with this woman is making you feel.
He should be putting all his effort into supporting you with your pregnancy and preparing for parenthood , not spending his time thinking about this other woman's welfare.

WatieKatie · 27/02/2025 19:00

I agree with @Completelyjo very common at my place of work too. I have a ‘work husband’ we are friends, regularly eat lunch together and speak daily about mostly work matters. I have met his wife, neither of us would ever dream of this being any more than a work friendship and support.

Pleasesaveme · 27/02/2025 19:02

WatieKatie · 27/02/2025 19:00

I agree with @Completelyjo very common at my place of work too. I have a ‘work husband’ we are friends, regularly eat lunch together and speak daily about mostly work matters. I have met his wife, neither of us would ever dream of this being any more than a work friendship and support.

Work husband/ work wife.
Such a blurring of boundaries.

KilkennyCats · 27/02/2025 19:07

WatieKatie · 27/02/2025 19:00

I agree with @Completelyjo very common at my place of work too. I have a ‘work husband’ we are friends, regularly eat lunch together and speak daily about mostly work matters. I have met his wife, neither of us would ever dream of this being any more than a work friendship and support.

In what way is your colleague your “work husband”?

MsGoodenough · 27/02/2025 19:10

The lunch thing wouldn't bother me. The party thing maybe. I have a close male friend at work and we often have lunch together. We are good mates and nothing more.

ThisGladViper · 27/02/2025 19:13

This would be unacceptable in my relationship, both ways.

madamweb · 27/02/2025 19:15

WatieKatie · 27/02/2025 19:00

I agree with @Completelyjo very common at my place of work too. I have a ‘work husband’ we are friends, regularly eat lunch together and speak daily about mostly work matters. I have met his wife, neither of us would ever dream of this being any more than a work friendship and support.

That's such a grim way to describe a colleague. Keep your boundaries professional.

madamweb · 27/02/2025 19:17

His behaviour at the Christmas party alone was immensely disrespectful of you.

The only man I knew who danced with other women at the work Christmas party in front of his wife had multiple affairs with women during the five years we worked together. I don't know why the women fell for it though, it was obvious that he was attracted to "anyone who might say yes"

Completelyjo · 27/02/2025 19:18

ThisGladViper · 27/02/2025 19:13

This would be unacceptable in my relationship, both ways.

So if you worked in a male dominated department your DH would expect you to eat alone at your desk rather than the horror of walking to the sandwich shop with a male colleague?

Justyouwaitandseeagain · 27/02/2025 19:19

I used to go to lunch with a male friend who worked close by. Eventually found out his wife hated it and banned him from meeting me. It was totally innocuous and just as I would meet female friends. You have quite a long list of things though and despite being very laidback I can absolutely see why you are questioning it.

Someonelookedatmypostinghistorysoichanged · 27/02/2025 19:20

WatieKatie · Today 19:00
I agree with **very common at my place of work too. I have a ‘work husband’ we are friends, regularly eat lunch together and speak daily about mostly work matters.

what makes him your work husband?
does your life husband know about him and that you refer to him as a work husband…. Seriously disrespectful

ThisGladViper · 27/02/2025 19:23

Completelyjo · 27/02/2025 19:18

So if you worked in a male dominated department your DH would expect you to eat alone at your desk rather than the horror of walking to the sandwich shop with a male colleague?

Edited
Show quote history

It's more the following OP and her husband around on a work night out, dancing together, making her breakfast, being overly concerned about men chatting her up.

We have gut feeling for a reason and OP is picking up that something just isn't right.

DoYouReally · 27/02/2025 19:35

I work with mainly men so of I didn't have lunch with a man or dance with them at a Christmas party, I would be dancing and lunching on my own. There's nothing wrong with it. It's always professional and respectful of partners.

The difference here is you were available for dancing and his reaction someone else showed interest in her. It's also that he seems to be involved at every turn. Completely joined at the hip. How does he react when you mention it makes you uncomfortable as that's the important thing here?

madamweb · 27/02/2025 19:38

Completelyjo · 27/02/2025 19:18

So if you worked in a male dominated department your DH would expect you to eat alone at your desk rather than the horror of walking to the sandwich shop with a male colleague?

Edited
Show quote history

There's a difference between nipping out for lunch with a range of people, sometimes male, sometimes female, and the level of intensity the Op is describing.

BlondiePortz · 27/02/2025 20:00

Yeah sounds odd but he is a grown up so dictating what he cannot do is controlling, people can dress it up how they want it is still controlling

He has the responsibility to make right choices but that is on him

MsDogLady · 27/02/2025 20:12

Mentionitis, protective, breakfasts, lunches, shopping, lifts, dismissing your discomfort …

@HappyLife4days, these two share a spark and are building an emotionally intimate relationship. They’re having an EA.

Their flirtation must have begun quite a while ago, before the the Christmas party. At the venue, they danced and you witnessed OW’s adoration of him and his protectiveness over her. He left your side to find her. It sounds like things are escalating and he couldn’t care less that you are not comfortable with their closeness. He is buzzed and validated by their connection.

@HappyLife4days, he’s been making a mockery of you, your marriage, and your pregnancy. He needs to shut this down and it’s going to take a sharp shock. You’ve already expressed feeling unsettled, to no avail. I would be reading him the riot act and setting an iron-clad boundary. Tell him that he has everything to lose if he doesn’t shut this window and cut contact with OW.

I suggest that you both read Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. She examines how one partner’s weak boundaries and abundant investment of emotional energy in a third party will greatly threaten and damage the primary relationship.

Can you elaborate about the other things that have occurred?

5128gap · 27/02/2025 20:19

If you ask him not to have lunch with her, he will either get angry and call you controlling, tell you OK, I won't and do it anyway, or agree and seethe with resentment. (Defy, lie or comply, none of them good!) What you really need for your intervention to be worth anything, is for it to make HIM decide its not a good idea to continue on this trajectory. So, calmly and without accusation, talk to him about the danger to a marriage of allowing yourself to get too close to someone. How feelings can develop before you know it, and then you risk everything. Let him reflect on whether he wants to take that risk or is going to value the marriage enough to rein this in before it ruins it.

BallerinaRadio · 27/02/2025 20:33

WatieKatie · 27/02/2025 19:00

I agree with @Completelyjo very common at my place of work too. I have a ‘work husband’ we are friends, regularly eat lunch together and speak daily about mostly work matters. I have met his wife, neither of us would ever dream of this being any more than a work friendship and support.

Work husband 🤮