Female coworker should I be concerned?

[HappyLife4days]

I recently found out about a female coworker that my husband is close with from attending his work Christmas do. They danced together, she followed us round all night and he was concerned when a ‘creepy’ man showed interest in her and left me to go check on her.

since then he has told me that she’s just a friend but she keeps coming back up. I found out they occasionally go on lunch together to the shops, make breakfast together at work (eat the same thing), she text him to say she would be late to work so she wouldn’t be able to make breakfast so he made it for her. He made sure she wasn’t walking on her own one night, they’ve given each other lifts.

I’ve said I don’t feel comfortable with any of it, don’t feel comfortable with him going on lunch with her etc. she’s married and has a kid as are we and I’m currently 36 weeks pregnant.

what should I do? Am I being controlling by asking him not to go on lunch with her? She’s come up a few times now and nothing seems to change if anything I just find out that they are closer then I thought. There’s more to it but can’t write everything that has happened

It's not controlling to have behaviour you won't tolerate in a relationship. We are all allowed to leave a relationship if we aren't being respected.

I'd also flag how much behaviour like this damages professional reputations.

I saw someone who was a shoo- in for a big promotion lose out on it after her affair with another member of staff became public. It wasn't even a shock, they were always lingering in the coffee shop together or making eyes at each other in the middle of a meeting. Both of them really blew a hole through their professional reputation

No, you don't have a 'work husband'.

People who blather on about their 'work husband' don't seem to realise how utterly stupid they sound.

There is a difference in saying ''I will not accept" and saying "you are not allowed too" maybe not those exact words

This sounds so twee and cringe.
Saving her from 'creepy' men one Monday morning at a time with a shared smashed avo toast brekkie ... Bleurgh.

I'd not be ok with this OP.

Oh absolutely. But in essence they are the same thing .... The "these are my boundaries" words.

I hate it when people imply that having boundaries means you are controlling. I have been in a coercive and controlling relationship. It's nothing like someone just drawing the line at a full blown flirtation with a colleague. It minimises what those relationships are actually like.

Boundaries in a marriage are healthy. If we don't care enough about our marriage to respect appropriate boundaries in relationships with others then perhaps marriage isn't the right choice.

If he wants to get all flirty with a woman at his office he can leave his wife and steam ahead with it.

I would not put up with this. Sorry OP.

'Work husband' 🤮 Flirting to add a but of pleasure to an otherwise mundane day at the office, in other words. Fine if single, but incredibly creepy and disrespectful to the actual spouse if not.

If there was anyone at DH's workplace calling him their fucking 'work husband' 🤮 I'd be seriously pissed off. Completely inappropriate, unprofessional and disrespectful.

i would invite her and her husband over for dinner

Definitely what some PPs said : this is not acceptable in your book and needs to stop, or he'll lose his mariage.

I'm in two minds about this. I've had male co-worker friends in the past who I lunched with every day but there was never anything in it. I have male co-workers now who aren't even friends that I know (and have seen) would go and help a woman with a creepy man. I used to have a colleague that I'd refer to as my work husband to my husband and he didn't care and there was never anything there on either side.
On the other hand I'm aware of people that have got into relationships at work, so who knows if you should be worried.

Why did you refer to him as your work husband, though?
In what way did your relationship differ from colleagues/friends, exactly?

Watch love actually with your husband and see how he reacts?

How are you feeling about it all now, @HappyLife4days? Have you spoken to your H again?

I'd be very unhappy about this. Very.

But what he is doing is entirely disrespectful of their relationship. I read or heard somewhere that if it's something you wouldn't want to tell your other half or have them know about it, then you shouldn't be doing it.

@HappyLife4days A PP suggested inviting the 'work wife' and her hubby out to dinner. I would suggest this just to see his reaction. And her response, for that matter. If everyone agrees, I would suggest it's acted upon. Or a surprise lunch whilst he's at work?

As an aside, I have a friend who is now 80 and I'm nearly 54. We first met at work in my 30's, and he in his 50's/early 60. We're still friends and nothing has ever happened, but I remember early days on his wife, daughter and son all 'coincidentally' met us as we were leaving work etc and I was fine with this, as was he. I viewed the friendship as almost paternal and turned to him for guidance a lot (still do) and we still meet up.

Unless he has a hard reality check of how inappropriate and weird this is and what he stands to lose and if he still won't change then I would be thinking about leaving him. My ex did this when I was expecting our first child. It was his best friends wife and he was round there more than home. I was very angry and upset about it all. It eventually fizzled out but I'm still not really sure what happened between them. I ended up putting it behind us and focusing on our family. We went on to have two more children and they are grown up but when they were teenagers he had an affair and I left him in a very similar situation. We were like any other family and the whole thing has left me reeling still.

There is nothing wrong with being friends with or even being attracted to people you work with. It's normal. I'm single and there's a chap at work who brightens my day every time I see him but he's married. You just don't disrespect people's private relationships.

I really feel for you.

How was she with you at the party? My husband has lots of female friends. He had even more when we met. It became obvious very quickly which ones were genuine friends. They also became good friends with me and were supportive and happy about our relationship. The others faded away quite quickly when they realised he was now in a serious relationship. I quickly gained a sense of which ones weren’t appropriate and told him. I didn’t say he couldn’t see them but just explained I could see they were interested in something more. He hadn’t picked up the signs but once it was clear to him he held them at arms length, invited me along if they wanted to meet up etc and they didn’t like it so faded away. He continues to make new female friends, they don’t all have to be my friend too but most end up being as we have them over etc

I get on extremely well with the men in our team yes I would sit with them for lunch and we have a good laugh while we're making drinks in the kitchen together, etc but that is it and I would never contact them outside of work, that is a big difference here to me.

The problem with asking him not to have anything else to do with her i.e. lunch and breakfast is he will carry on I'm just not tell you and it could escalate even more

It's the Mentionitis that's the giveaway.

Those of you that have a sandwich with Keith from purchasing once in a while, do you bang on about him to your DH when you get home? I doubt it.
Stop gaslighting the op. Her DH has every lunch and every breakfast (by the sound of it) with the same women, in a place of work where presumably there is more than just him and her.
Tongues will be wagging at work and it's not hard to see why.

This OP - Yes you should be worryiu are being replaced she cant be the only person he can talk to at work.

It's the Mentionitis that's the giveaway.

Those of you that have a sandwich with Keith from purchasing once in a while, do you bang on about him to your DH when you get home? I doubt it.
Stop gaslighting the op. Her DH has every lunch and every breakfast (by the sound of it) with the same women, in a place of work where presumably there is more than just him and her.
Tongues will be wagging at work and it's not hard to see why.

You say there is more to it but then say you can't go into it?

From what you have written, I think it's fine. They are behaving like friends in the workplace. We spend so much time at work,it would be unusual if friends were not made, even if only for the duration of the employment. If this were two coworkers of the same sex would you think it odd? If the answer is no, then you don't have a female coworker problem. You have a DH being friends with women problem.

Can only go on what you have written. If you care to elaborate about the rest then the opinion might change.

He sounds like the knight in shining armour type. They love a damsel in distress. Only ever seems to be young, attractive damsels, though 🙄