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Original poster

DH thinks boys shouldn't cry - advice needed

64 replies

NCMJ · 27/02/2025 02:51

I am looking for advice on how to get DH to understand emotions better or why it is important to be emotive.
Lately I've been needing some emotional support from DH but am finding his responses a bit cold and so I say things like "I'd appreciate a hug/hand hold."
Today I asked if he wasn't allowed to cry as a little boy. And he replied that boys shouldn't cry. He thinks it doesn't achieve anything. He understands women cry because of hormones but men don't need to. This is me quoting him. I explained how imagine if DD was very unwell in hospital, to break down means to be human. Or if you watched your partner die from a terminal illness, it would be only human to cry. He understands but he thinks it doesn't achieve or change things if you cry.

Other points which are linked to this:
In an old school way, he doesn't understand mental health. The way some older men think it's nonsense.

Does anyone know of a good podcast or audiobook or anything that I could get DH on that would explain the importance of being sensitive or having empathy. Preferably aimed at men and written by men.

OP posts:
Imonmyway · 27/02/2025 02:55

Sorry no,hopefully he resolves this before you have children. Sounds like something his father told him.

Both my daddy and granda "allowed" tears and would never have put a man down for crying. But my father in law said it to my son,I was not happy!!

mathanxiety · 27/02/2025 04:12

Do you already have a child with this emotionally stunted man?

mathanxiety · 27/02/2025 04:16

As things stand, he would likely be a horrible father to a son. If you don't already have children with him, don't have one.

His comment about women being emotional is extremely weird. Is that his he sees you? A person who can't help letting her emotions get the better of her? Does that mean he thinks you're weaker than him?

He needs a lot of sessions with a therapist to unravel whatever the heck happened to him as a child.

AgentJohnson · 27/02/2025 05:39

Does anyone know of a good podcast or audiobook or anything that I could get DH on that would explain the importance of being sensitive or having empathy. Preferably aimed at men and written by men.

The chances that a podcast or an audiobook could remedy your H’s position on emotions are zero to none. His issues are learned and deep seated and he has to first acknowledge that it’s an issue before change. Given his stance on MH I suspect therapy is a no go too.

category12 · 27/02/2025 06:36

I wouldn't want him to be a father to a son, that's for sure.

MrsJamin · 27/02/2025 06:44

Does he generally talk about his feelings? If not, why are you with him? Please don't risk having a son with him.

HamSpray · 27/02/2025 06:46

Does he grasp that men have hormones too?🙄

BrunetteBarbie94 · 27/02/2025 06:47

Wow! Women cry because of hormones WTF... that is sexist and misogynist.

Your husband's attitude is precisely why suicide is the biggest killer of men under 50. Literally because there are men like your husband telling little boys they can't cry. Crying is actually healthy! It releases cortisol which is a biological fact.

I hope you don't have children because no podcast is going to cure this. He needs therapy to have taken such a weirdly hard line on this. He wouldn't even cry if you died and he has told you that!

Pootlemcsmootle · 27/02/2025 06:53

Doubt he'd listen to a podcast or shoe about this so I wouldn't bother recommending one.

I'd personally send him a link to how crying is a mechanism used by the body to release oxytocin and quickly and efficiently down regulate stress hormones that are damaging cells in your body and undermining general performance.

Tell him he's a shit manager of his own physical resources if he lets a lifetime of inaccurate macho socialisation stop him from makin good use of those resources 😂
Then tell him the process works exactly the same for men as it does women.

User7288339 · 27/02/2025 06:57

He sounds incredibly thick.

unlimiteddilutingjuice · 27/02/2025 07:03

Everyone is different.
If he's not comfortable with emotional expression then he's not comfortable with emotional expression.
No need to try and change him.
People change on their own timetable and for their own reasons.
Keep telling him explicitly how you like to be supported and accept him where he's at.

CurlewKate · 27/02/2025 07:06

I think he needs more than a podcast. But it's worth trying him on How Do You Cope by Elis and John. There are 3 series-and a new one just starting with just John-where they interview all sorts of people about their mental health. Maybe find one with someone he likes abd try that?

HamSpray · 27/02/2025 07:10

unlimiteddilutingjuice · 27/02/2025 07:03

Everyone is different.
If he's not comfortable with emotional expression then he's not comfortable with emotional expression.
No need to try and change him.
People change on their own timetable and for their own reasons.
Keep telling him explicitly how you like to be supported and accept him where he's at.

Duh. He’s entirely entitled to not cry himself. What he’s not entitled to do is to enforce his own gendered ‘rules’ on his own children, not to mention his sexist nonsense about women’s ‘hormones’.

mnreader · 27/02/2025 07:13

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
NCMJ · 27/02/2025 09:40

We have a little girl and no other children. I think he would be very different if we were to have a little boy. I completely appreciate how he sounds, and it is something I have struggled with but we are together and I want to make it work. Some of his opinions are so outdated but he knows it's unpopular and he also knows that isn't how we're raising DD. I have had therapy myself (for birth trauma) and he's been supportive and helpful with that and he is willing to try couples therapy (because we do have issues with not escalating things sometimes). I know there's lots of other things at play here and I know what he sounds like but I want to see if hearing an expert will get him thinking about it.

OP posts:
category12 · 27/02/2025 10:35

It's positive that he's willing to go to relationship counselling.

It might be worth looking at men's mental health charities online and seeing what resources they have available that you could look at together, maybe?

MightyGoldBear · 27/02/2025 12:40

I counsel men suffering from addiction issues, primarily sex and pornography. A huge chunk of the work we do is all about entitlement, integrity abuse,gender shaping, and bridging relationship gaps.

There are lots of podcasts, books, and resources out there, but they are best used alongside therapy and groupwork. Men's group particularly are helpful. Men who are futher along in their journey rountinely help newcomers and gently point out cognitive distortions (boys dont cry) it's no surprise in this particular situation that men really listen to other men and value their input. Particularly in the early days than they would a woman or therapist. They need to relate.

What we don't do is work with men who aren't actually seeking the resources and help themselves. So, unfortunately, unless your partner sees an issue himself or life has consequences that force him to look at these issues, it's unlikely he will change.

Northernparent68 · 27/02/2025 13:03

HamSpray · 27/02/2025 07:10

Duh. He’s entirely entitled to not cry himself. What he’s not entitled to do is to enforce his own gendered ‘rules’ on his own children, not to mention his sexist nonsense about women’s ‘hormones’.

Show quote history

He’s not forcing his views on his daughter, he’s said she can cry

HamSpray · 27/02/2025 13:07

Northernparent68 · 27/02/2025 13:03

He’s not forcing his views on his daughter, he’s said she can cry

Show quote history

Yes. My post was from before the OP said they only have a daughter.

Though, frankly, I’m not sure that being ‘allowed’ to cry because your father thinks tears are permitted you because of your emotional female hormones is necessarily a great template for parenting.

gannett · 27/02/2025 13:24

I couldn't be in a relationship with a man like this because I'd lose all respect for someone who held such regressive and frankly stupid views. And, when it comes to parenting, actively dangerous: probably worse if you had a boy but mental health struggles affect girls too, and she won't need a father who "doesn't believe" in them. I can't imagine marrying such a man because I'd have laughed in his face the first time he said anything like this out loud.

TheHierophant · 27/02/2025 21:14

There's a fantastic men's workshop called "The Mankind Project". Take a look at their website. They run weekend courses and hold groups for men only - where it is safe for men to explore these beliefs and emotional blockages. My husband's life has been changed beyond belief by the Mankind Project. It's a wonderful organisation.

Original poster
NCMJ · 28/02/2025 05:09

MightyGoldBear · 27/02/2025 12:40

I counsel men suffering from addiction issues, primarily sex and pornography. A huge chunk of the work we do is all about entitlement, integrity abuse,gender shaping, and bridging relationship gaps.

There are lots of podcasts, books, and resources out there, but they are best used alongside therapy and groupwork. Men's group particularly are helpful. Men who are futher along in their journey rountinely help newcomers and gently point out cognitive distortions (boys dont cry) it's no surprise in this particular situation that men really listen to other men and value their input. Particularly in the early days than they would a woman or therapist. They need to relate.

What we don't do is work with men who aren't actually seeking the resources and help themselves. So, unfortunately, unless your partner sees an issue himself or life has consequences that force him to look at these issues, it's unlikely he will change.

@MightyGoldBear thank you. I can imagine the reasons are various but would you happen to know what made them approach you? Just wondering if I can prod DH in the right direction..
DH has no addictions or anything like that. He is a very "straight laced" type - no swearing, very mild mannered, quiet, holds down a respectable job etc etc

OP posts:
Original poster
NCMJ · 28/02/2025 05:13

TheHierophant · 27/02/2025 21:14

There's a fantastic men's workshop called "The Mankind Project". Take a look at their website. They run weekend courses and hold groups for men only - where it is safe for men to explore these beliefs and emotional blockages. My husband's life has been changed beyond belief by the Mankind Project. It's a wonderful organisation.

Thank you, I will take a look. Would you mind sharing why your husband approached them? (Also fine if you can't!)
Prior to approaching Mankind, what was your DH like in terms of receiving critical feedback?

I don't want to put DH off and want to maximise all chances he will look at this positively.

OP posts:
alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 28/02/2025 05:20

HamSpray · 27/02/2025 13:07

Yes. My post was from before the OP said they only have a daughter.

Though, frankly, I’m not sure that being ‘allowed’ to cry because your father thinks tears are permitted you because of your emotional female hormones is necessarily a great template for parenting.

Show quote history

Quite. This man needs to do some work on himself for everyone's sake.

And 'not understanding' mental health'? He needs a swift kick into this century.

YRGAM · 28/02/2025 06:33

As a poster mentioned above, the attitude is so ingrained from childhood think the chances of a podcast making any difference is zero - it will probably have the opposite effect, as a lot of the time their ego means men hate being preached to by other men about what they should and shouldn't be doing.

Does he read/enjoy films? If he is empathetic in general/tries to consider others' pov, this might be a better route - have a film night with a film in which there is a strong male character who shows emotions. If you do this enough it might make a gradual change, from which he will be more receptive to some kind of more direct intervention