DH thinks boys shouldn't cry - advice needed

[NCMJ]

I am looking for advice on how to get DH to understand emotions better or why it is important to be emotive.
Lately I've been needing some emotional support from DH but am finding his responses a bit cold and so I say things like "I'd appreciate a hug/hand hold."
Today I asked if he wasn't allowed to cry as a little boy. And he replied that boys shouldn't cry. He thinks it doesn't achieve anything. He understands women cry because of hormones but men don't need to. This is me quoting him. I explained how imagine if DD was very unwell in hospital, to break down means to be human. Or if you watched your partner die from a terminal illness, it would be only human to cry. He understands but he thinks it doesn't achieve or change things if you cry.

Other points which are linked to this:
In an old school way, he doesn't understand mental health. The way some older men think it's nonsense.

Does anyone know of a good podcast or audiobook or anything that I could get DH on that would explain the importance of being sensitive or having empathy. Preferably aimed at men and written by men.

He feels deeply (moved to tears) when he witnesses genuine acts of kindness eg. selfless giving to those in need, or feels so much distress at things like seeing children suffering (like war/recent hostage news) that he had to change the channel. And obviously he does have a kind personality (which is what I was attracted to in the first place many years ago).

Thank you for the film suggestion, he is a big film buff so I will try and find films to that ilk.

5 years

...yes - 9 years.

I'm not surprised, I didn't think I had mentioned I was surprised.. he's mentioned things over the years or I have always assumed he is the way he is because of his lifestyle pre-relationship (always in the office in a very male dominated US firm with very little time for socialising). Anyway, I just made a thread on it now because ofnour recent conversation and I suppose it also happened to to be the time I am a MN user (I haven't always been here).

He is 44. No children from previous relationships.

I haven't cried for years - despite some challenging life events - and wonder if menopause did change things. Whereas my older husband is much more inclined to well up.

I would say that being able/unable to cry is separate from the issue of whether or not a person has empathy.

My exh says this. And has said it repeatedly to our son. Our son is autistic so is very emotional and cries often. Ex is having counselling but very much doubt he'll deal with this one. He's a very damaged man who inflicts a lot of damage around him.

He also comes out with gems about men are this and women are that. Ds finds him very difficult indeed.

I think specifically empathy when it comes to other men. He feels like he had a very tough childhood and has weathered it without crumbling and finds it hard to understand why a person who apparently has so much more could suffer from MH (speaking of a particular example of a younger male family member)

Try a podcast. I have Spotify and I’ve just gone into podcasts and searched men’s mental health and loads come up.

Hi OP I haven’t a lot of time to post in depth on this but istm you have to tackle this in a language and on a basis that your DP is familiar with and seems understandable and acceptable to him. He’s lacking in emotional literacy but you can’t just tell,him he’s deficient. He needs a task in language that he’s comfortable with. Try books, courses and websites such as this one? https://mensgroup.com/emotional-intelligence/

OP we all have mental health either good or bad or ok. You mean he can’t understand poor mental health.

This line

he feels so much distress at things like seeing children suffering (like war/recent hostage news) that he had to change the channel

makes me think that he is uncomfortable feeling big emotions, not just with displaying the outward signs of them (tears). That’s human to a degree - ‘sitting with your feelings’ is really uncomfortable sometimes. You’ve described him as straight laced so sounds like he does bottle things up? Some people also find it very hard to show vulnerability.

I’m not sure exactly what you’re trying to change in him, though. Do you want him to display his own feelings and talk about them better?

Or do you want him to have more empathy and be better at comforting you ‘naturally’ without having to be asked?

Yes, I think so.
I have my own suspicion DH is mildly depressed but lacks the vocab like @HoppityBun said to articulate it.

While crying is nothing to do with being a boy or girl, I do agree with him that it doesn’t change things.

We’re not a family of criers generally, people do express emotions differently and it’s also ok not to cry if that’s who you are. We do talk through emotions of course.

I’ve come across people in the workplace who cry at the drop of a hat and I must admit I find that quite irritating although hide my feelings well I hope.

Take him to see / watch at home Groundhog Day

You don’t cry through choice though. I can’t stop tears. It does achieve something for me, it’s a release of emotion.

Just answering your questions first:
Yes, he does bottle things up.
Yes, I feel like there's more depth to him and if he was able to speak about his emotions more it would help me understand him better. As opposed to thinking he is cold and unfeeling which is how he comes across sometimes when we are in a disagreement about something. Or something sensitive where I need it to be discussed with more empathy
I don't mind asking him for what I need as it isn't always intuitive what people need... Admittedly at the time of writing my OP I was fresh out of an argument and in that moment I think wanted him to know intuitively how to comfort me and was feeling frustrated that he didn't naturally go to touch/hold me.

You made a really interesting point in how he might be uncomfortable feeling the big feelings. And that also gives me food for thought.

Ah you've just mentioned something that reminds me of DH. He can find crying irritating too. And I've never understood that and have lumped it with how I think he can come across as unemotional during particular emotionally charged situations (emotionally charged by me ie. I am feeling very emotional about it and would think it typically an emotional situation for another person too). And together formed an idea of this unfeeling persona

I feel the same with crying. Im not the kind of person to cry publicly (outside home) but I do struggle to hold it back when I am feeling upset or frustrated if at home

I have seen this but maybe I need to watch it through a new lens as my recollection of it is just an apathetic Bill Murray falling in love.

Edit to include: DH not a fan of Bill Murray because he isn't a good guy (harassment history) and doesn't like watching his films because it ruins it for him. But will persuade him to give it a go.

I think it can be okay, to feel irritated with some tears. If I ever tried to talk to my mother about some 'difficult' topic, no matter how carefully I phrased things, she would cry and then I became a bad person for upsetting my mother.

And if I am distressed, I don't necessarily want to be hugged. More often I just want my husband to sit and listen.

Having said all this I can see that aspects of OP's husbands character might give rise to frustration. But I think people evolve coping mechanisms, and they are there for a reason. You can't just go tinkering around with other people's psyches. I think all you can do is say, 'When I am really upset, it helps if you come over and hold my hand.'