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Original poster

Not sure how to feel about this

52 replies

househunting123 · 25/02/2025 10:37

My DP is a lovely lovely man, he's a wonderful partner, calm and generous and funny and accepting...he's honestly pretty much perfect.

I was recently using his PC (with his knowledge) to upload some documents to a website and was clicking about to locate the documents for upload and stumbled across a file with 4 folders inside, each named with a girls name. You can guess what each folder contained 😕.

I recognised two of the names, one was someone he was casually seeing for a while, about a year before we got together, and another was someone that he was with for 4 years or so up until around 2015. We still see her now and then as his sister is friends with her.

I was just in complete shock as I never ever would have expected him to have kept things like this, let alone have them stored in named folders like that. It's obviously completely disrespectful to the girls in question and I have no idea if he still looks at them. The date on the file holding the folders was while we were together so I know he at least moved/organised them whilst being with me and so made a conscious decision to keep them.

I haven't mentioned anything to him yet as I felt bad for stumbling across them (I genuinely wasn't prying) and with other things going on in our lives it wasn't the right time to bring up an upsetting topic.

He is the last person I'd expect to have something like this and I don't know whether I'd be overreacting if I bring it up and ask him to delete. Or am I under reacting by questioning whether I should mention? I've been trying to forget about it but it's playing on my mind.

OP posts:
Dolambslikemintsauce · 25/02/2025 10:38

Don't be the cool gf... Keeping wank fodder is grim and tell him so.

Shoxfordian · 25/02/2025 10:39

Pretty much not perfect. Big red flag op. Hope you haven't sent him anything like that or you'll have your own folder one day

Maitri108 · 25/02/2025 10:40

Is it sexy photos or videos of them having sex? Do you think they know?

Astronautstar · 25/02/2025 10:42

You need to talk to him about it.

SwerveCity · 25/02/2025 10:42

There will no doubt be people along saying how it wouldn’t bother them at all. In my opinion it’s horrible and I don’t think I could forgive or forget this.

Carwashtoday · 25/02/2025 10:43

No one “accidentally” stumbles on material like this.

Stopping snooping will serve you well in your future life.

StrawberryDream24 · 25/02/2025 10:45

With regard to them - I don't think it's appropriate or fair to retain explicit (I'm presuming) photos of an ex. The consent for their use is - imho - very much for the duration of the relationship; not after the relationship has ended and he is in a new relationship (and so are they, most likely).

So it's kind of abusing someone's consent.

With regard to you, I don't think anyone is going to feel comfortable with finding a catalogued mini library of explicit photos of exes (and who were the other two women?) on your partner's pc

It's not really appropriate to retain them, let alone use them for masturbation, if that's what he's been doing.

No doubt it will be harmless on his eyes,but we never seem to turn these things around enough and ask how a man would feel if he discovered catalogued folders of a sins exes with explicit photos. I can't see many men being on with it, quite the opposite.

Even the dividing by name into neat little folders kind of gives me the creeps. Like they're objects.

If he's got four different women's, he's obviously retained previous exes photos through each new relationship. I find that uugh (and as I said, there's a consent issue towards them).

StrawberryDream24 · 25/02/2025 10:46

Carwashtoday · 25/02/2025 10:43

No one “accidentally” stumbles on material like this.

Stopping snooping will serve you well in your future life.

Snooping is a very useful habit.

Original poster
househunting123 · 25/02/2025 10:47

Well that's why I'm so shocked, as he's absolutely the last person I'd expect to have stuff like this. If I was being kind I'd assume that he'd organised all of his photos and put them into separate files so they weren't in with his usual ones for obvious reasons. But surely he must have questioned whether he should be keeping them, even if he wasn't planning on using them. He's honestly not the type of person to be so disrespectful. He listens to and supports my feminist rants several times a week 🤣

I've not clicked into any of the pics to look at them properly but they clearly know they're being taken, they're posing etc. so nothing sinister in that respect. I'm struggling with the pics from his previous long term relationship as she's clearly very confident and adventurous and I'm feeling pretty much the opposite at the moment 🙈

Well yes @Carwashtoday I'm well aware it looks like I was snooping, hence my reluctance to mention to him, but I wasn't. I never ever suspected there'd be anything to snoop in, he's a complete open book.

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 25/02/2025 10:48

Absolutely what @StrawberryDream24 said

That's always the danger of sending explicit photos but I’d expect a decent bloke would delete than once the relationship was over not keep them in his wank bank. Grim

StrawberryDream24 · 25/02/2025 10:49

Astronautstar · 25/02/2025 10:42

You need to talk to him about it.

What does that change.

He's kept explicit photos of women through four plus relationships when anyone with decency would understand that when the relationship ends, the consent for the use of those photos ends.

Also the issues with using exes" photos for titillation/masturbation etc while with a different partner?
People know that's not really kosher. They very likely would not be ok with their own girlfriend doing it.

They're there. They were accessed or organised doring the relationship. He's kept multiple women's photos through multiple relationships. Nothing he says changes any of that.

SallyWD · 25/02/2025 10:50

I think it depends if they were sexy photos he was keeping to wank over or just photos he's keeping for old time's sake - holiday snaps etc.
I still have loads of photos of my ex despite being with DH for over 20 years. There's no way I'd throw them away. I mean good riddance to my ex but I'm not throwing my history away.

Original poster
househunting123 · 25/02/2025 10:51

Yes, thank you @StrawberryDream24 I basically agree with your analysis.

I don't know who the other two women are, presumably casual acquaintances from years ago. I haven't clicked in to look properly at their faces.

I am just so confused by it because he's genuinely the best man I've ever known. I guess I need to raise it and see what he says. I know he'll immediately delete them without any qualms and be full of apologies and acceptance that he's in the wrong but i just don't get why he kept them in the first place.

OP posts:
newkettleandtoaster · 25/02/2025 10:51

househunting123 · 25/02/2025 10:47

Well that's why I'm so shocked, as he's absolutely the last person I'd expect to have stuff like this. If I was being kind I'd assume that he'd organised all of his photos and put them into separate files so they weren't in with his usual ones for obvious reasons. But surely he must have questioned whether he should be keeping them, even if he wasn't planning on using them. He's honestly not the type of person to be so disrespectful. He listens to and supports my feminist rants several times a week 🤣

I've not clicked into any of the pics to look at them properly but they clearly know they're being taken, they're posing etc. so nothing sinister in that respect. I'm struggling with the pics from his previous long term relationship as she's clearly very confident and adventurous and I'm feeling pretty much the opposite at the moment 🙈

Well yes @Carwashtoday I'm well aware it looks like I was snooping, hence my reluctance to mention to him, but I wasn't. I never ever suspected there'd be anything to snoop in, he's a complete open book.

I'd probably feel a little bit insecure as you do, particularly as they are more adventurous than me.

I think that's natural.

I don't think he's the devil for having them though. They were obviously taken with their knowledge, during their relationship. It's ok for them to have done that, and I don't think it's horrendous that he hasn't deleted them....but it is less than ideal.

I would be upset if I thought he was still looking at them.

I think I would ask him to delete them. And I guess his reaction will tell you more. I wouldn't be happy if he got defensive or refused.

StrawberryDream24 · 25/02/2025 10:52

He's honestly not the type of person to be so disrespectful. He listens to and supports my feminist rants several times a week 🤣

Well it is disrespectful, to both them.and you.

So.... Not everyone is totally upfront about their values and behaviour.

Original poster
househunting123 · 25/02/2025 10:52

@SallyWD they're certainly not casual holiday photos!! That wouldn't bother me in the slightest

OP posts:
Original poster
househunting123 · 25/02/2025 10:54

I don't think he will have 'used' them while we have been together, if I know him like I think I do. Of course doubting myself a bit now after the grim discovery!

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 25/02/2025 10:57

I wonder if he's possibly forgotten they are still there-

Shoxfordian · 25/02/2025 10:58

Nodding along to your feminist rants doesn't make him a man who actually has respect for women and these photos prove he doesn't have any.

StrawberryDream24 · 25/02/2025 10:59

Crikeyalmighty · 25/02/2025 10:57

I wonder if he's possibly forgotten they are still there-

He forgotten 5 times to date that he has explicit photos of his ex on his PC?

🤔

Original poster
househunting123 · 25/02/2025 11:06

@Shoxfordian I hear you...it's easy to make that judgement about a stranger on the internet though, and less easy to be so conclusive when the man in question has demonstrated how much of a good person he is time and time again 😕

OP posts:
StrawberryDream24 · 25/02/2025 11:09

When I was 22/23 I dated (using the term loosely) one man and then socialised with another from the same country. The country appears not hugely culturally different on the surface, but is massively so when you get to know it

The man I sort of dated (as much as you could date a polygynist) requested a photo of me when I was going home from a visit to him (a visit that was rather obviously going to the last time we saw each other). I found it truly mind boggling that he wanted a photo of me when we had had a short long distance situationship, and I was going home upset/angry/done after realising he was fucking around left, right and centre. He didn't push the matter.

I then encountered one of his countrymen as a neighbour while teaching tefl abroad. We socialised a bit, he tried for a sexual relationship, I didn't want one with him, he stayed friendly and would chat about this and that ..... One day he gets out a photo album (no smart phones then) and proceeds to show me the photos of his exes or women he'd been involved with. There was nothing in the album other than photos of women he's been involved with.

I realised it was a kind of trophy.

I also realised the "ex" had been likewise trying my get a photo of me for his trophy collection.

The ex had treated me fairly poorly and left me upset and bitter but that didn't matter to him in his trophy pic pursuit.
I'm sure that the relationships/situationships that my neighbour had had were probably not all significant or positive either. But they still had to go in the trophy album.

Women and sexual relationships with women are a kind of trophy situation to some men.

I find men like this kinda pathetic and creepy.

I have a feeling that there is an aspect of this here.

Original poster
househunting123 · 25/02/2025 11:15

I really don't think this is a trophy keeping kind of scenario. He's just not like that, and I'm well aware of how naive I sound in saying that. He's not at all creepy, he's courteous and respectful and has never ever made any sort of disparaging remarks about anyone, including people who probably deserve it! I'm very sensitive to anything like that because of my horrible misogynistic exh. Anyway, this is why the discovery was so jarring to me because it's so out of character.

I will have to bring it up with him and take it from there.

OP posts:
Maitri108 · 25/02/2025 11:15

househunting123 · 25/02/2025 11:06

@Shoxfordian I hear you...it's easy to make that judgement about a stranger on the internet though, and less easy to be so conclusive when the man in question has demonstrated how much of a good person he is time and time again 😕

People mask who they are. Hugh Edwards' wife probably thought he was the bees knees. You need to explain that you found the folders and don't understand why he has these creepy photos.

Sulu17 · 25/02/2025 11:20

I also had a misogynistic ex but the problem is (as I learned to my cost) is that men can be misogynistic in radically different ways. Look at the evidence - is there any 'innocent' explanation?

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