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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Not sure how to feel about this

52 replies

househunting123 · 25/02/2025 10:37

My DP is a lovely lovely man, he's a wonderful partner, calm and generous and funny and accepting...he's honestly pretty much perfect.

I was recently using his PC (with his knowledge) to upload some documents to a website and was clicking about to locate the documents for upload and stumbled across a file with 4 folders inside, each named with a girls name. You can guess what each folder contained 😕.

I recognised two of the names, one was someone he was casually seeing for a while, about a year before we got together, and another was someone that he was with for 4 years or so up until around 2015. We still see her now and then as his sister is friends with her.

I was just in complete shock as I never ever would have expected him to have kept things like this, let alone have them stored in named folders like that. It's obviously completely disrespectful to the girls in question and I have no idea if he still looks at them. The date on the file holding the folders was while we were together so I know he at least moved/organised them whilst being with me and so made a conscious decision to keep them.

I haven't mentioned anything to him yet as I felt bad for stumbling across them (I genuinely wasn't prying) and with other things going on in our lives it wasn't the right time to bring up an upsetting topic.

He is the last person I'd expect to have something like this and I don't know whether I'd be overreacting if I bring it up and ask him to delete. Or am I under reacting by questioning whether I should mention? I've been trying to forget about it but it's playing on my mind.

OP posts:

StrawberryDream24 · 25/02/2025 11:25

because it's so out of character

How long have you been in a relationship with him?

How long have you cohabited with him?

Anyway, it's not out of character because he's retained explicit photos of ex girlfriends and ex fwbs (or wherever) five times to date.

(He kept ex 1s after they finished and he got into a relationship with ex 2. He kept ex 1's and 2's after they finished and he got into a relationship with ex 3 etc etc.).

Obviously it doesn't matter as much if he retained ex girlfriend's photos while he was only having a fwb/situationship with a woman (aside from the consent issue towards the ex gf), but it does matter that he retained both ex gf and ex fwb's explicit photos while being in serious relationships/with partners.

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 25/02/2025 11:27

Carwashtoday · 25/02/2025 10:43

No one “accidentally” stumbles on material like this.

Stopping snooping will serve you well in your future life.

Oh it's the great all knowing, all seeing mumsnet Oracle.

TwistedWonder · 25/02/2025 11:31

But it’s not out of character is it OP? It’s just a side of his character he’s not shown you yet.

Its not just 1 woman, it’s a number of them and so that’s part of who he is and what he does.

How long have you been together?

Original poster

househunting123 · 25/02/2025 11:34

@StrawberryDream24 known him for 6 years, together for 4 years, lived together for 2 years, and we have a 7month old. So I'm not going to be rash about this albeit I acknowledge it's a serious issue. On the topic of how well I know him, I believe you can judge people by the company they keep and he has so many people in his circle that love and appreciate him, and they are also really good people. He had a big birthday recently and so many people reached out and said what a great guy he is.

Anyway, well aware I'm not going to change anyone's minds here 🤣 and I would think the same given the facts presented, if I didn't know the guy.

We shall see what he says...

OP posts:

nodramaplz · 25/02/2025 11:34

I'd delete them myself, then remove them from the recycle bin.
If he asks where they are, he'd get binned too !

Original poster

househunting123 · 25/02/2025 11:35

@AMurderofMurderingCrows 🤣🤣🤣

OP posts:

TY78910 · 25/02/2025 11:35

Carwashtoday · 25/02/2025 10:43

No one “accidentally” stumbles on material like this.

Stopping snooping will serve you well in your future life.

I've come across a lot of these threads now.

I'm always amazed at how there are always people who say 'shouldn't have been snooping', 'that's where snooping gets you'.

So is it that the action was ok before it was found? Yea snooping isn't great but surely it doesn't erase the fact that the action of that person is questionable at the very least.

I can't imagine a world where if someone snooped and found evidence / images of something illegal the response would be 'shouldn't have been snooping'.

To add, when I was a teenager I hung out with a group of male friends who were rummaging round one of the guy's computer. Don't remember the context, probably to take the mick. They found similar folders, named, with images of girls saved from their Facebook profiles and one of the folders was of me. It made me feel physically sick and I will never forget the humiliation and disgust I felt.

nodramaplz · 25/02/2025 11:38

househunting123 · 25/02/2025 11:15

I really don't think this is a trophy keeping kind of scenario. He's just not like that, and I'm well aware of how naive I sound in saying that. He's not at all creepy, he's courteous and respectful and has never ever made any sort of disparaging remarks about anyone, including people who probably deserve it! I'm very sensitive to anything like that because of my horrible misogynistic exh. Anyway, this is why the discovery was so jarring to me because it's so out of character.

I will have to bring it up with him and take it from there.

He kept the intimate photos of females he's no longer with!
That's not right and don't line up with your opinion of him!
Even if the women said keep them!

Daisyvodka · 25/02/2025 11:43

I believe that this is a bit of a gap in the law to be honest, but I have absolutely no idea how any kind of legal framework would function in practice, because people do break up and make up, and if you are both in the picture/video and one person wants to keep and other doesn't... you see what I mean?
From a moral standpoint, given that there's been so much about revenge porn and AI imagery in the news, and the fact that he's clearly come into contact with the files while you've been together so he knows they are there.... yeah, morally dubious. Could just be a very silly mistake - if you challenge him on it and his response is anything other than 'oh my god, you're right I need to delete those immediately, I didn't think properly about that' then I'd be so upset.

StrawberryDream24 · 25/02/2025 11:48

nodramaplz · 25/02/2025 11:34

I'd delete them myself, then remove them from the recycle bin.
If he asks where they are, he'd get binned too !

How likely do you think he's going to be to ask where they are?

Anyway, it's not up to the op to delete them.

It was up to him - each time that relationship/situationship ended (not sort them into named folders).

StrawberryDream24 · 25/02/2025 11:52

He had a big birthday recently and so many people reached out and said what a great guy he is.

Lots of people are popular and well thought of, who have everything from minor to major, major flaws.

He's not a great guy with regard to consent and respect and appropriate behaviour in this scenario.

With a 7 month old, I can imagine your priorities and preoccupations are elsewhere. But I'd amend your view of your partner according to what you've found. May as well keep your eyes open and not have rose tinted specs on.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/02/2025 11:52

I would think these other women would be horrified that their images are being kept and otherwise stored on his computer. They have no knowledge of this and your images could end up in such a folder too. These images too could be on multiple platforms designed by men for such purposes.

There are many people out there who are not as they seem and he is one of those people. He is clearly not the man you thought he was and no doubt he will try and bluff his way out of this. This is not a mistake on his part; those files have been set up deliberately and kept for some time now.

mrsmagooandtheblueshoe · 25/02/2025 11:58

househunting123 · 25/02/2025 10:51

Yes, thank you @StrawberryDream24 I basically agree with your analysis.

I don't know who the other two women are, presumably casual acquaintances from years ago. I haven't clicked in to look properly at their faces.

I am just so confused by it because he's genuinely the best man I've ever known. I guess I need to raise it and see what he says. I know he'll immediately delete them without any qualms and be full of apologies and acceptance that he's in the wrong but i just don't get why he kept them in the first place.

How do you know that he will?
He's kept explicit material from several women, beyond the end of the relationship. This is highly highly disrespectful both to the women and to you. What possible reason could he have for still having them? 'Fond memories'? Blackmail? Wank fodder?
They're organised - so they're not an oversight. If he says he forgot that'll be utter bollocks.
It's easy to say you're a feminist, but his actions tell you whether he is or not.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/02/2025 12:03

"I know he'll immediately delete them without any qualms and be full of apologies and acceptance that he's in the wrong but i just don't get why he kept them in the first place".

Will he though accept he is in the wrong here?. He kept them because he wanted to and these images have been carefully curated. The simplest explanation here is often the correct one. He is not the man you thought he was.

GofE · 25/02/2025 14:10

Also i'm finding it a little unusual that someone would have explicit pics of so many ex's ... does he ask each woman he is with? Is it his 'thing', maybe it is more common than i think to be sending / sharing pics? or maybe not ...

Original poster

househunting123 · 25/02/2025 15:24

Can we stop with the complete character assassination please? Yes I know it's gross and completely disrespectful, but I can comfortably bet my life on the fact that he has not kept these with the intention of blackmailing or uploading to websites. Nor do I find it strange that he received them in the first place, one of the girls he was in a loving LTR with, which leaves 3 presumably covering around 6 years when he was single and having casual flings. It's really not that unusual for people to share explicit photos with each other when they're seeing each other (albeit not the wisest thing to do as demonstrated here).

Whatever the best case scenario or explanation is for this, it is what will apply here. Even so, it is of course something that I'm really unhappy about and he's going to need to show complete transparency and remorse when we discuss.

OP posts:

MonkeyTennis34 · 26/02/2025 08:26

I really feel for you OP.
It must have been a huge shock.

If I'd found them I would have deleted them and then told him that I'd deleted them.

Like another poster commented, they're not casual holiday pics and it's highly likely they're still there for sexual/masturbation reasons.

Original poster

househunting123 · 26/02/2025 08:36

I spoke to him last night, he was apologetic and said that he hadn't even thought about them since we were together and it all pre dates me, he didn't know why the file was showing as modified last year. He's got no issues with deleting them and acknowledges that he shouldn't have kept them. It wasn't quite the full apology I was hoping for to be honest, he was mainly confused about it all and kept saying it all pre dated me. He was however really sad and worried that this impacted how I viewed him. Because of who he is usually (full of integrity), I'm still confused about the fact that he says he didn't even remember that he had them, and he didn't really take on board the point that he clearly had decided to save them in the first place and why that was an issue for me.

Anyway it ended up with him feeling sad that he'd disappointed me and me feeling sad that I'd made him sad by bringing it up. Not much of a resolution!

OP posts:

Sulu17 · 26/02/2025 08:40

O dear. I remember a time in a relationship when I loved him so much that I was in a state of denial, even though I sort of could see the truth, I sort of couldn't see the truth, too. I think you know really Op what's going on but I do understand how you feel.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/02/2025 08:43

"Yes I know it's gross and completely disrespectful, but I can comfortably bet my life on the fact that he has not kept these with the intention of blackmailing or uploading to websites".

You would like to think so (denial is a powerful force after all) but the fact is you cannot be certain he has not done this. He has kept these files on his computer for some considerable time now and has carefully curated them. You only found them because you were using his computer.

These images of these people could very well have been uploaded to the internet, you would not ever know. All you really know now is that this man is not the man you thought he was. He will be far more careful from now on which makes me think that any apparent remorse now shown will be just an act.

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 26/02/2025 08:47

another was someone that he was with for 4 years or so up until around 2015. We still see her now and then as his sister is friends with her.

This just creeps me out.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/02/2025 08:48

He himself modified the file last year, does he really think you were born yesterday?. Such things do not modify themselves.

And that conversation you had was indeed no resolution at all. There are many people out there who are not as they seem and he is one of them.

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 26/02/2025 08:49

He himself modified the file last year, does he really think you were born yesterday?. Such things do not modify themselves.

Exactly.

mrsmagooandtheblueshoe · 26/02/2025 09:00

"He was however really sad and worried that this impacted how I viewed him"

This would ring a massive alarm bell for me about his actual integrity. Integrity is all about actions. He was more concerned about what you think of him, than how it felt for you finding them.

And then he turns it round so you feel 'sad' you'd brought it up, wtf? You should feel angry and disappointed he didn't fully apologise- not sad you've upset him by pointing out something he's done wrong. Is this a pattern in his behaviour?

TwistedWonder · 26/02/2025 09:07

His reaction and explanation would ring huge alarm bells OP.

He’s not confused, he knows exactly what he’s done and he’s been caught out so he’s come up with a half arsed story to justify himself.

And the line about being worried about his you vote him is a massive red flag that he’s more concerned his mask has shipped than for what he’s actually done.

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