Exhausted by it all

[AllOpinionsAreMyOwm]

DH constantly irritated/agitated. By everything and anything. Especially being asked to do something (anything) around the house like unload the dishwasher, or with DC.

I do 90% of houswork but on weekends he won't do anything without me asking him to, and then most of the time he gets irritated if I ask. I get constant sarcastic comments like "ok, I'll follow my orders" or "do I have permission to do X and Y now?" He even said in front of his parents about him going to the football: "depends on whether AllMyOpinions gives permission" and "I just do what I'm told" which was mortifying as I have a lovely relationship with in laws. Flies into a rage easily, eg if I disagree with him on something. No name calling, just so angry and on edge almost every single day. It has absolutely drained me.

I suspect ADHD/anxiety but he was dismissive of that suggestion when I brought it up. I mentioned couples therapy but he said no because apparently I'd lie to the therapist and make him out to be the one at fault. I have got the ball rolling for individual therapy. Haven't ruled out splitting up but want to exhaust all other options first.

Any thoughts/suggestions/advice very welcome 🙏

The amount of contempt he has for you is just shocking.
This is not something you can fix on your end. He's the problem here. I'm not saying that there's not something you (unknowingly) do to trigger his reaction, but there are better, more constructive and more mature ways of dealing with that. His behaviour is completely unacceptable.
The problem is that as long as he keeps being resentful and hateful towards you, he'll never look inward and ask himself whether there's anything he can do to imporve your relationship. He's dead set on making you out to be a villain. You can't fight that.

I'd leave.

Ask yourself what do you get out of this 'relationship'.
Life is too short and you deserve better than this. Move on.

Why do you need to label his behaviour? Are you happier to accept how he treats you if he's diagnosed with something?

Better to go to therapy yourself and work out why you put up with his nonsense. He brings out the Sgt. Major in you because he's childish. Then makes you feel bad. It's a cycle that just leaves you tormented and feeling really alone. . . Be prepared to have the rose tinted glasses removed in therapy and find a new confidence.

He’s a lazy, sexist arse. He doesn’t respect you or your time and energy. He expects you to be his servant and gets angry when the servant malfunctions. What could possibly make him change?

@MostlyHappyMummy If he's diagnosed with something, medication would help him massively. He has had issues in the past with terrible headaches and was put on low dose antidepressants for a while and he was so much calmer then.

@Girlmom35 I think I'm quite relaxed and don't do anything that warrants his constant irritability.. was a single mum before he came along (we had 3rd DC together) and used to standing on my own two feet. But it would be so nice if he did stuff to help without me asking.

he said no because apparently I'd lie to the therapist and make him out to be the one at fault

Don't think I could remain with someone who held this low of an opinion of me.

Oh OP. He doesn't have ADHD. Trust me. My DH does and he actually uses it as a super power to never stop moving. He's always doing something like DIY, cleaning or other tasks.

Your issue here is very simple. You DH doesn't like you. He's very selfish and doesn't care about anyone but himself. He's also likely misogynistic and high levels of narcissism.

YOU cannot change him. You cannot make him respect you. All you can do is show him very clearly that you no longer tolerate his utterly disgusting behavior by your actions. Talk is cheap, you can talk til you are blue in the face but people don't listen. They say that you should listen to what people 'do' not what they say because that's what really matters.

I'd be personally taking steps to remove this loser from your life, but if you need to take small steps then, start that way. You'll be amazed how much a. His behaviour will improve when he realizes he can't fuck you round any more and b. How much you realize you don't deserve to be treated like that.

You have the power to change your life. Use it.

Thanks @Treacletoots. I have told him I can't put up with much more of this. It makes a difference for a few days at most.

He does seem to blame me for his reactions. To which I said well if I'm that bad then why do you stay? He said "because I love you". I did point out that if he loves me he needs to treat me better.

He was also distanced and moody with his DP last week when we went out and he's never been like that before with any of of our parents, which is why I suspect some form of MH issues.

I couldn’t put up with someone who didn’t do anything around the house without being asked, no matter how cheerful they were.

Trust me on this as I’ve been there and got the T shirt, but once he’s gone the fact that you have to do 100% of the housework won’t matter because you won’t have the mental load of wishing the other person would step up and act like an adult.

You are wasting your time and energy looking for a MH issue to excuse his behaviour or hoping he’ll see the light and realise what an utter, shitty man child he is.

LTB

You have a child/parent dynamic and he's treating you like his mum.

He seems to have regressed to a teenager. He's easily irritated and doesn't want to be bothered by anything never mind pulling his weight.

He wants you to make his life easier and doesn't want to contribute.

Sounds like you've married my ExH I'm sorry to say.

He was utterly void of emotional intelligence and couldn't understand how when he did or said x, how that impacted others. He never thought of anything from another person's viewpoint and never thought of anything unless it benefited him personally.

To this day he still is likely bewildered at why I divorced him. Because I loved having such a joy sucking, emotional black hole who added no benefit to my life whatsoever.

Men like this don't change. All you can do is change your response. I e. I can't be fucking bothered with this shit any more, and I'm kicking you out. Kind of response. Your future self will thank you

What's worse that being in a shit relationship for 2 years? Being in one for 2 years and a day.

Having neurodiversity or mental illness doesn't explain or excuse a nasty attitude and persistent contempt for you OP. He may not have a lot of control over his emotions or behaviors in the moment but he sounds more than capable of reflecting, apologizing and recognizing where he can improve. You're making excuses for him, he's just a cunt. I've got the T-shirt with this. You're imagining he's a nice guy with problems when he's actually not. He's a nasty piece of work and you're wasting your time expecting anything to change. I guarantee it won't

Let's stop using mental health as an excuse as to why men treat us like this.

Unless Misogyny, narcissism and utter selfishness are deemed mental health issues ....

I think the man child thing is accurate. If he's so nasty though: why is he so good to my parents? I don't get it. They ask him to do loads of stuff for them and he always does it straight away and has always had a great relationship with them. I'm so confused.

He is abusive towards you and he targeted you when you were a single parent to boot.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none, to all intents and purposes now your relationship with him is over.

What do you know about his family background?. That often gives clues.

Nothing you have written about him at all suggests ADHD, MH issues or anxiety. Many abusers cite MH issues as a reason and or justification for their abuse. He does not treat his work colleagues or people in the outside world /street with such contempt does he?. No. This is all reserved for you. Such men too hate women, ALL of them.

How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?. There is really no other option because he will refuse them all. At least he's refused joint counselling so you've dodged a bullet there thankfully. If counselling is to be considered go on your own and determine exactly why you've put up with his awful behaviour towards you. Was your ex similar?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

He masks. It's very common for some men to be charmers everyone loves and then vicious at home. It proves how he knows exactly what he's doing because he does it behind closed doors.

You're in denial and are looking for excuses for his behaviour.

You are wasting time ‘exhausting all other options’.
if divorce is an option, just start the ball rolling.

He’s clearly utterly focused on himself and unable ( or unwilling) to see you at all. Your completely reasonable expectations are seen by him as criticisms and unreasonable demands that he can hold you in contempt for.

You are never going to get through that level of reality denial and you will go mad trying.

He sounds extremely similar to my autistic Ex. Whether or not your H is autistic, I know from experience how exhausting and distressing it is to be with someone like this.

Get out.

He's good to your parents because he wants to isolate them further from you and cut off another of your own means of support. Also he is trying to show you that he can be indeed nice to other people; the image of the nice family oriented man is so very important to abusers. He wants them to believe he's great so if you went to them about him they would say' "oh Your Abuser does so much for us we cannot believe he could be like this towards you". Abusive people are really master manipulators.

There are no other options for you here other than to divorce him and I do not write that at all lightly.

If someone else was writing this what would your own counsel be?.

Do not continue to raise your 3 dc in such a toxic environment. They do not need or warrant seeing you as their mother being treated with such open contempt. BTW how does he treat your two elder children compared to his younger child?. You would not want them to have a relationship like this as adults and it's not good enough for you either.

Just as an example of why I think it is MH related is: the other day a colleague spoke to me quite patronisingly and DH heard it (we were in the car). He got so wound up about how this person spoke to me he was shaking. I kind of just brushed it off (i have a thick skin!)

My ex was very abusive. Name calling, constant criticism, financially abusive and sexually and also hated my family and treated them with contempt . None of that in this relationship and appreciate my bar was probably quite low but I was genuinely happy when I split up with him. I'm confident and always have been optimistic. I wasn't looking for a man to complete me. I do genuinely love DH and want to make it work and if it doesn't I really hope we'll stay good friends for the sake of our child.

@AttilaTheMeerkat he treats all children very well, spoils them rotten. Raised elder two as his own from a tiny age and they're so close to him and adore him. Which makes it so much harder. Because if we split he wouldn't see the older two and that would destroy him completely.

Sadly you've gone from one abusive relationship into yet another; albeit of a different stripe but abusive all the same. Your boundaries here, already skewed by previous abuse, are being further got at and otherwise eroded by this man now.

re your comment:
"Just as an example of why I think it is MH related is: the other day a colleague spoke to me quite patronisingly and DH heard it (we were in the car). He got so wound up about how this person spoke to me he was shaking".

No, not MH related at all. More like the Loser who is described in the article by Dr Joe Carver. His anger was completely out of control and this conversation that took place had nothing whatsoever to do with him.

The Loser" has a scary temper. If your boyfriend or girlfriend blows up and does dangerous things, like driving too fast because they're mad, breaking/throwing things, getting into fights, or threatening others - that temper will soon be turned in your direction. In the beginning of the relationship, you will be exposed to "witnessed violence" - fights with others, threats toward others, angry outbursts at others, etc. You will also hear of violence in their life. You will see and witness this temper - throwing things, yelling, cursing, driving fast, hitting the walls, and kicking things. That quickly serves to intimidate you and fear their potential for violence, although "The Loser" quickly assures you that they are angry at others or situations, not at you. At first, you will be assured that they will never direct the hostility and violence at you - but they are clearly letting you know that they have that ability and capability - and that it might come your way. Later, you fear challenging or confronting them - fearing that same temper and violence will be turned in your direction.

Link here : https://drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

I would not worry at all about what he thinks; he has caused this marriage to end by him abusing you (and in turn them) as he is. Your children cannot and must not think his abuses of you as their mum is at all normal or becomes their norm in their adult relationships. You have a choice re this man, your children do not.