Exhausted by it all

[AllOpinionsAreMyOwm]

DH constantly irritated/agitated. By everything and anything. Especially being asked to do something (anything) around the house like unload the dishwasher, or with DC.

I do 90% of houswork but on weekends he won't do anything without me asking him to, and then most of the time he gets irritated if I ask. I get constant sarcastic comments like "ok, I'll follow my orders" or "do I have permission to do X and Y now?" He even said in front of his parents about him going to the football: "depends on whether AllMyOpinions gives permission" and "I just do what I'm told" which was mortifying as I have a lovely relationship with in laws. Flies into a rage easily, eg if I disagree with him on something. No name calling, just so angry and on edge almost every single day. It has absolutely drained me.

I suspect ADHD/anxiety but he was dismissive of that suggestion when I brought it up. I mentioned couples therapy but he said no because apparently I'd lie to the therapist and make him out to be the one at fault. I have got the ball rolling for individual therapy. Haven't ruled out splitting up but want to exhaust all other options first.

Any thoughts/suggestions/advice very welcome 🙏

You may well love him OP but his actions towards you are not at all loving ones. If he did truly love you he would treat you with the respect you deserve.

Sadly also I doubt very much you and he can become good friends and this again is because he is abusive towards you. He will behave just the same towards you post separation and divorce and be awkward about access arrangements to his child.

My ex was a communal narcissist. The narcissism was diagnosed by my highly qualified therapist.

A communal narcissist cares more about how others see them above all else.
You don’t count as you are married to him. It’s possible that he used to do this to you as well, but being married to him for so long you have probably seen behind the fake self and he knows this.

These types are also very big on victimhood and like to paint every situation this way.

I would turn that question on you.

if he is that bad, why do you stay with him?

@AllOpinionsAreMyOwm I'm married to someone exactly like this - he's now 60 and wasn't always like this it's 'crept up' - he is slightly different in that he would never attempt martyrdom in front of others. I feel that nothing is ever good enough - he moans about driving anywhere, all other drivers are fuckwits etc, moans about politics, the weather, huu it s elderly dad, work stuff - it's incessant and as you say very very wearing

Horrible to you and lovely to everyone else is classic narcissist.
It doesn't matter what his label is op, what matters is he makes your life horrible.
This is no way to live.

Ha doesn't have ADHD or MH problems he just thinks everything house and kids is women's work. How dare you ask him to help etc.
But still wants to look great in front of everyone else so you always look like the bad guy.
You are in another abusive relationship.

Yup sounds about right - if he keeps being huffy with you, then you will stop asking him to do things. He thinks it’s beneath him.

@Crikeyalmighty my sympathies, it is indeed so draining

I am here and reading and taking in all your replies even if not replying to them all. Lacking energy atm. We had another almighty row just now as he's working from home and I arranged a delivery without consulting with him first and he has gone off on one. Just upstairs crying and calming myself down.

Think we were married to the same man 🤣

@AllOpinionsAreMyOwm lockdown was particularly awful too when someone is like this , as that added to the moaning checklist.

All I can say OP is I don't know how old you are but it doesn't in my opinion get better if it's actually part of their personality - thing is I do care about my H , he has lots of nice aspects too and is decent looking for his age, earns well and intelligent and no doubt would be a wow on the dating sites for many mumsnetters - I just don't like living with him and tend to prefer him in short doses. He makes a great date, a lousy living partner.

@Crikeyalmighty

Sorry to hear that. We actually started living together just as lockdown begun. He was fine then, we had a lovely time all together and got on so well 😓

I'm 40. And yes he is similar to your DH in what you describe.

This is not normal behaviour, his, I mean.

It may take you time to come to terms with it, but I think you know that you need to get out of this relationship.

My sympathies. @Theresyoursalad did yours also swear at you in Klingon when you sent the divorce papers over to him?

Massive useless man twat. (Since my 8 year old has far more emotional awareness than he ever could)

He's gone off on one because something was delivered while he was WFH?

Unless it was several tons of sand that you expected him to shift location on before 6pm, you know this is utterly batshit right?

@TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams supplies for a building project. He arranged some video calls and said he wasn't available and I should have checked with him. The problem is if i check with him i get a vague answer so i have to make decisions by myself. He cannot make any decisions... outside of his job, he just leaves all the decision making to me.

Uurgh, he sounds like a badly behaved, spoilt brat child.

I think you should tell him you're rapidly losing all attraction for him as he's acting like a 5 year old.

It sounds like you've gone out of the frying pan and into the fire, and landed your first two DC with a shitty step dad to go along with their shitty dad, so now they have a matching set. I would say that it's not your job to find reasons that he's a nasty bastard, that's his to work out on his own time.

Pursue the individual therapy, so you can work out why you're attracted to men who hold you in contempt, and do not underestimate the situation your DC are in and how this might affect them and what support they might need, and I'd be getting the ball rolling on a divorce while you're at it.

This isn't your mess to fix. It's your responsibility to prioritise your children and offer them a peaceful home where they don't have to watch their mother being treated like a peice of shit.

I think it's time to find your cold hard inner rage and tell him that you want a divorce. You will not tolerate being spoken to like this and will NOT be in a second abusive marriage.

Assuming he knows the first marriage was, if there's any decency in him he will be brought up short by that. If he gaslights you, deflects and the rest you have your answer. He is abusive, be in no doubt on that point. If there is an underlying issue driving his behaviour, it's his problem to sort, not yours or your children's for him to take it out on while getting no help for it. Show him you are deadly serious. You are not his whipping boy.

There's no medication out there that will make a lazy, sexist pig do housework.

Can he go back on them? If he explains to his Doctor that he is short tempered and irritable all the time (putting his marriage at risk) and the medication helped him with this then he might be allowed to.

It might help to give him a list of jobs you would like him to do over the weekend (and yes I know he should see what needs doing himself but this would be improvement rather than perfection). He might find it easier to have control of when he does these things over the weekend rather than being asked and expected to remember or do the job then.

You do need to talk and tell him that if he doesn't change his attitude towards you then this marriage won't last. You will leave him.

I can understand him being stressed about the delivery while he tries to work from home. I know what you have said he can be vague but you really shouldn't just decide that he is available because he does his job from home.

Agree with the above.

I would also recommend a really good book called Why Women Talk and Men Walk or How to Improve Your Relationship Without Talking About It. It's written by a male-female team of family therapists. So both perspectives given

Why Women Talk and Men Walk: How to Improve Your Relationship Without Discussing It: Amazon.co.uk: Love, Patricia, Stosny, Steven: 9780091917104: Books

Why does this suggest MH to you? To me it says he has a very thin skin and overreacts takes things personally rather than rationally.

@Winter2020 this is good advice, thank you. And yes he knows I can't take much more of his behaviour as it is now. It is wearing me out.

@NeedsMustNet interesting take on it - do you think it's his personality rather than MH issue? I think the fact he was SO much more relaxed on a tiny dose of antidepressants a year or so ago makes me think it is more anxiety / MH related.