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Relationships

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Original poster

Should we go to next door neighbour's funeral?

58 replies

Chayyp · 23/02/2025 13:39

Neighbour was in early 80's but has sadly died.
His wife is still alive and will continue to live next to us.

We have had a bit of an up and down relationship with them over the last few years, despite being old the man was hard work and seemed to be deliberately difficult at times. We always found him a bit suffocating and treated our young kids like he was owed their time and we were being unfriendly if we didn't want our kids spending lots of time with them. It was always a bit weird and uncomfortable how he wanted to be heavily involved in our lives, despite us only being neighbours and not family.
Anyway I'm sure people will come on to say it's a shame and he sounded friendly etc but in our experience he was too much.

Anyway, now he's no longer here his DW has invited us to the funeral. His wife is lovely and very sweet so I feel we should go for her. However she probably won't notice if we're there or not, especially as they have a massive family.
WWYD?

OP posts:

SwedishEdith · 23/02/2025 13:41

I'd definitely go. You're there for her not him.

notgettinganyyounger · 23/02/2025 13:41

Yes I would go. For his wife. She will appreciate your support.

mardirousse · 23/02/2025 13:41

Go. He was your neighbour. You like his wife and she asked you. She has lost her partner.
That's all there is.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 23/02/2025 13:42

I'd send her some flowers and stay home.
Tbh inviting neighbours is likely to be politeness rather than a desire to have them attend.

MarshmallowClouds · 23/02/2025 13:42

I would go, for her.

Kittygolightlyy · 23/02/2025 13:43

It’d be lovely for you to show her your support. Won’t be much of your time but will mean a lot to her.

Thatsnotmynameee · 23/02/2025 13:43

You definitely should. It'll upset her if you don't and she is still your neighbour. I'd go just to keep up good neighbourly relations. It's not his wife's fault you found her husband overpowering.

Sugepaper · 23/02/2025 13:44

Wow. Why have you ever entertained these neighbours when he’s been overbearing and seemingly creepy? I do hope you didn’t give him the unfettered access to your children that he demanded.

And no, don’t go

MarshmallowClouds · 23/02/2025 13:44

Also, and perhaps this is a regional thing, I have literally never been invited to a funeral - I have attended dozens of them, close family members, distant relations, neighbours and friends.

there was no invitation or expectation of confirmation of attendance, where I am from they are seen as public events, though of course I’d only go when I had a real reason for being there.

Logslogslogs · 23/02/2025 13:45

Yes you should definitely go.

LikeABat · 23/02/2025 13:47

Would you need to take time off work or get a babysitter in order to attend? If you don't want to go then these are good reasons not to. Just give her support in the weeks and months afterwards e.g. odd jobs like changing lightbulbs which she may have relied on her DH to do.

GrandHighPoohbah · 23/02/2025 13:48

I would go. You can just go to the service and not go on to the wake if you won't know anyone else there.

Original poster

Chayyp · 23/02/2025 13:49

Yes I think we'd need to use holiday which is difficult because our AL covers school holidays (just).
I feel a bit uncomfortable going because we didn't really like him but maybe it's just the right thing to do?

OP posts:

pizzaHeart · 23/02/2025 13:50

I would go. And I always thought that it’s very rude if someone invites you in a situation like this and you refuse.
You never know she probably wasn’t pleased about his behavior either by the way.

Sugepaper · 23/02/2025 13:52

Is no-one else concerned about a man demanding access to op’s young children? He sounds like an abuser

pizzaHeart · 23/02/2025 13:53

Just saw you update - if you need to take time off work and it’s not easy I wouldn’t go. It’s absolutely fine to explain to her considering that work wouldn’t give your time off for a neighbor.

Gotback · 23/02/2025 13:53

You're not going for him. You're going for her. She knows he was an arse ache but she's asking for your support. I'd go even though I'd secretly still feel annoyed at him.

WellHelloVera · 23/02/2025 13:54

We had a neighbour like this. He'd always be hovering every time one of us stepped outside the door. I didn't mind if I was just outside doing some gardening or maintenance and could talk and work, but he'd try to strike up a conversation when I'd be rushing off to work or coming home at the end of a busy day.

He had the cheek to tell me once that they thought we did too much! DH was far more tolerant with him than I was

Anyway, I understand and how irritating he would have been.

If you get on with the wife and can spare the time, then go to the funeral

SwedishEdith · 23/02/2025 13:54

MarshmallowClouds · 23/02/2025 13:44

Also, and perhaps this is a regional thing, I have literally never been invited to a funeral - I have attended dozens of them, close family members, distant relations, neighbours and friends.

there was no invitation or expectation of confirmation of attendance, where I am from they are seen as public events, though of course I’d only go when I had a real reason for being there.

This as well. People generally ask when a funeral is going to be not wait for an invitation.

Thatsnotmynameee · 23/02/2025 13:55

Sugepaper · 23/02/2025 13:52

Is no-one else concerned about a man demanding access to op’s young children? He sounds like an abuser

He didn't "demand" access to them, he wanted to be more involved with the family than OP wants. I think it's a bit of a jump to stamp him as an abuser from one post.

Original poster

Chayyp · 23/02/2025 13:56

Sugepaper · 23/02/2025 13:52

Is no-one else concerned about a man demanding access to op’s young children? He sounds like an abuser

He wasn't an abuser as such, but he was weirdly into speaking to our kids when they were toddlers/primary school age and he would go out of his way to speak to them and ignore us. I would ask him questions like "how are you?" And I would get ignored because he just wanted to speak to my kids.
We had to be borderline rude to get the message across but he was an alpha type that wanted to do what he wanted to do, and he didn't speak well to his wife always.
So yeah, I'm glad he's not around anymore, not that we saw him much for the last couple of years.

OP posts:

Topseyt123 · 23/02/2025 13:58

You could just say that you can't get the time off work and send some flowers to his wife.

Sugepaper · 23/02/2025 13:59

Did he ever have unsupervised access to your kids?

Spongedbob · 23/02/2025 14:04

I have to agree with @Sugepaper it’s a bit of a red flag for me. I hope he was never alone with the kids.
regarding the funeral, I personally wouldn’t go- make an excuse up and send a card/ flowers to his wife.

AxolotlEars · 23/02/2025 14:05

We don't always go to funerals because of our relationship with the person who died. Sometimes we go to funerals because of our relationship with the person who is alive.

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