Going on dates without telling parents

[milkyway512]

I’m a 25 year old woman living alone in London area, and have decided I’m ready to date again, after a long period of being celibate and not ready.

I’ve had quite a few attempts in the past during this time where I tried to date, but they weren’t successful as they were not right for me or ghosted me before meeting. I have to admit I have ended things with some people because they were sexting too much, just didn’t feel like a right fit, etc.

The main thing is I feel ready to have sex again, and this becomes murky territory for me as I’m not sure what’s normal and what isn’t when it comes to the lead up. I’ve had sex before, but I’m prepared for a one night stand or fwb, as I really do feel like doing the deed.

sorry I’m digressing a lot!

Now I feel I’ve matured a bit and am ready to dive head first into it, but I’m a bit wary of a few things. Firstly, I’ve got two dates set up with two different men (?!) and am firstly wondering if that’s normal/okay. If I sleep with them both, am I promiscuous? Or dare I say it, the w word? I don’t believe in those derogatory words against women but I worry I am one.

secondly, I haven’t told my mum I’m meeting these men. I tell her everything, and if I told her I’m just meeting a man I don’t know on the internet for sex she would go mad.

He is coming to mine, but I’m just not sure if meeting him is a good idea? I have done this before, and this is how a relationship started, but it was toxic and awful and he showed a lot of red flags in the beginning. I haven’t had a long term relationship before.

I’ve got two dates set up Iike I said: one is a man that is 29 and I am meeting him where I live and then going back to mine. Then I am meeting someone else and we’re having drinks before, then I’m not sure if I’m going back to his or not. Is this normal? Is it normal to go back to someone’s flat or house on the first date? Is it normal to meet a man you don’t know to have sex even without drinks first?

I’m sorry if this is long, I just didn’t want to drip feed information! I haven’t told my parents any of this and part of me doesn’t want to as I’m an adult now, but I also don’t want to get murdered and be reckless and unsafe.

thank you, any help is appreciated :)

Also I just wanted to add: I do want a long term relationship, I just don’t think it’s feasible at the moment as I feel unworthy and to be honest just want to sleep with someone. Also, I met one of the men on tinder and the other man on bumble.

I don't think I would be comfortable bringing strangers home or going to their home on a first date. Sounds really risky.

If you are 25 I don't see why you need to tell your parents you are going on dates.

But I agree with pp that taking strangers you have met on the Internet to your home is extremely risky behaviour.

You should not bring strangers into your home. You should tell a good friend where and when you are meeting people for dates. You say you feel unworthy and I think that you should be building up your self esteem before seeking sex with men, as you are likely vulnerable to meeting creeps who will abuse you. Build up friendships through taking p art in activities you enjoy. Join a choir, creative writing group, take up a sport, join a hiking group. Make friends with women.

What I'm getting at is that you need real life friends you can trust and with whom you can discuss sex and dating etc.

i don’t think bringing anyone home on the first date is a good idea. I actually think it’s a very bad idea.
I would reconsider urgently and change the plan if I were you.

You don't need to tell your parents anything but it sounds like your mum has a lot more sense than you. Taking a strange man back to your home is stupid, risky behaviour. You know that.

It's much too risky bringing men home on the first meeting. You would be much better meeting in a public place for coffee, drinks, dinner etc. I wouldn't plan to bring them home until you'd met them at the very least twice or three times in a public place and they had passed your gut instinct test.

We women tend to build up a romanticised picture of the men in our minds before meeting, you might dislike them irl, so it's really best to give yourself time to ensure you're not backed into a situation with a creepy guy.

Your mum doesn't need to know about your sex life. I bet you don't know about hers!

I would personally not plan ahead to take a strange man back to my place and I certainly would never tell him ahead of time that that was on the cards.

Just go on the dates and see where things go. If you fancy him then you can invite him back to yours. Make sure you have condoms.

Absolutely madness to have them come to your home or go to theirs on a first meeting! You know nothing about these men, where’s your sense of self preservation?

Honeslty OP I don’t think you sound remotely ready to be throwing yourself into online hookups. You worry that having sex with two men will make you “the w word”? Does that mean “whore”?! You talk about feeling unworthy? I’m afraid there are a lot of predatory unpleasant men out there that will steamroller your boundaries and leave you feeling much worse than you already do. Go for some nice dinner dates, if you want to go further then do but for goodness sake put your emotional and physical safety first.

I wouldn’t be taking someone home/going to theirs on a first date. If you just want sex that’s different, but it’s risky.

Your mum doesn’t need to know who you are dating but telling a friend would be a good idea, just in case .

also I wouldn’t let any man know where I lived or take them back to my home until I was really sure about them.

I don't think you should be doing this. Not because casual sex is wrong but because the arrangements you have made put you at risk of attack (so if you go ahead do let someoneknow your plans and don't go ahead with anything that makes you uncomfortable). And I agree with the previous poster, sex with random men won't help at all if you gave low self esteem sex.
Widen your activities snd social circle, date properly read self help books etc.

Finally, your sex life is not your mum's business.

Is the W word whore? It sounds like you have an unhealthy view of sex. If you want to have sex with strangers go ahead but don't label the behaviour in a derogatory way.

Do some work on yourself so you think you are worthy of a long term relationship. Develop appropriate boundaries with your parents.

Bringing strangers back to yours (or theirs) for sex will always be risky.

Apologies for typos - typing without glasses!

Why should you tell your mum, you're an adult, it's nothing to do with her.
I also think it's too soon to invite a man to your place when you don't know them.
If you do have sex insist on condoms, if he refuses, kick him out the door.

It's a different world now to when I was dating.

I did once bring a man back to my place the first night I met him, and twenty years later he's still here next to me now as I type this!

But we met through friends and colleagues, he came "ready vetted" so to speak.

A stranger I met online and knew nothing about? No, I'd need more time to assess what sort of a man he was. There are lots of bad ones out there I am afraid.

It’s a bad idea to allow a stranger into your home or to go to theirs on a first date, its way to risky.

You don’t have to tell your mum everything!

Milky Way, you sound very vulnerable and not ready for strings free sex.

I think you deserve to build a relationship which will give you more than sex. There are good men out there who will cherish you and you will find you enjoy spending time with them.

What are your interests? Do you read / run / game / go clubbing / go to the cinema / go to church etc? Joining clubs that have people who share your hobbies will give you time to make female and male friends. In the meantime buy a really good vibrator so that you can satisfy yourself and sex won't seen such an urgent part of why you are seeking a relationship.

You need a date zero - meet for a coffee, take a beat, decide if they are safe, then arrange something else.

Thank you for all your replies, I really appreciate them 😊😊 I won’t go ahead with bringing someone back to my place until I know them better.

ive messaged one of them and he has agreed to meet a few times before having sex, if it happens at all, so that’s better for me actually!

i have Asperger’s (high functioning autism) so I’m not very good at understanding norms around dating and what is and isnt. I do have women friends, but I don’t want to bother them!! We do talk about dating a lot but not when we’re not together.

thank you again, I think my mum was right lol! She’ll be happy to know I’m going on a normal date :)

Sex doesn’t have to happen on the first date. First date should be getting to know them and not in your own house. Somewhere mutual. Personally id need a good few dates before sex happens but thats just me. The type of guys your meeting are just after sex. They are toxic people as they cannot hold down a relationship. How do you know they dont have STDs.

you need to up your standards

I mean this kindly and am saying this out of kindness and concern .
You sound very emotionally immature and vulnerable with regards to relationships .
Please on no account bring someone to your home on the
first date .
It’s far too dangerous.
If you want to meet someone do it in a cafe , restaurant or bar in a busy area .
Don’t let them know where you live so soon .
This is not a moral issue for me at to a safety issue .

In my day I've had more than a few one night stands but honestly a) that was never my initial intention, it just turned out that way because it felt right at the time and b) I was a good bit older and more experienced in dating / relationships than you at the time.

I would never in a million years arrange a first date with the prior intention that they were coming back to mine or my going to theirs and much less would I let them know that was the plan of it was. It's far too risky. Coffee or a quick drink first, if it goes well then go from there, second date / extend the first date / whatever.

No particular problem with dating / sleeping with more than one person at a time so long as you are 110% cautious with protection (I'd want both the pill and a condom for any sex outside of a steady relationship, never mind when there are more people involved).

Absolutely no need for your parents to be involved at all.

I know everybody has said this but please do not take men to you home or let them know where you live until you know them a lot better. Far too risky. I know you want to have sex with them but even though you feel keen, I still wouldn't plan that for a first meeting. See how you feel about them. See how they treat you. Having sex doesn't make you a whore but I fear that you might make yourself feel bad afterwards if you don't know the man a little bit first. Unfortunately there are unpleasant dangerous men out there so do everything to keep safe. And it's not your Mum's business.