Going on dates without telling parents

[milkyway512]

I’m a 25 year old woman living alone in London area, and have decided I’m ready to date again, after a long period of being celibate and not ready.

I’ve had quite a few attempts in the past during this time where I tried to date, but they weren’t successful as they were not right for me or ghosted me before meeting. I have to admit I have ended things with some people because they were sexting too much, just didn’t feel like a right fit, etc.

The main thing is I feel ready to have sex again, and this becomes murky territory for me as I’m not sure what’s normal and what isn’t when it comes to the lead up. I’ve had sex before, but I’m prepared for a one night stand or fwb, as I really do feel like doing the deed.

sorry I’m digressing a lot!

Now I feel I’ve matured a bit and am ready to dive head first into it, but I’m a bit wary of a few things. Firstly, I’ve got two dates set up with two different men (?!) and am firstly wondering if that’s normal/okay. If I sleep with them both, am I promiscuous? Or dare I say it, the w word? I don’t believe in those derogatory words against women but I worry I am one.

secondly, I haven’t told my mum I’m meeting these men. I tell her everything, and if I told her I’m just meeting a man I don’t know on the internet for sex she would go mad.

He is coming to mine, but I’m just not sure if meeting him is a good idea? I have done this before, and this is how a relationship started, but it was toxic and awful and he showed a lot of red flags in the beginning. I haven’t had a long term relationship before.

I’ve got two dates set up Iike I said: one is a man that is 29 and I am meeting him where I live and then going back to mine. Then I am meeting someone else and we’re having drinks before, then I’m not sure if I’m going back to his or not. Is this normal? Is it normal to go back to someone’s flat or house on the first date? Is it normal to meet a man you don’t know to have sex even without drinks first?

I’m sorry if this is long, I just didn’t want to drip feed information! I haven’t told my parents any of this and part of me doesn’t want to as I’m an adult now, but I also don’t want to get murdered and be reckless and unsafe.

thank you, any help is appreciated :)

Don’t tell your mum but tell a friend what you’re doing and ask her to check up on you for safety.
God no don’t take a strange man back to your home! Far too dangerous. Get to know him first and use a cheap hotel , you’ll be safer.

I don't think you're ready to date yet. Maybe do some work on maturing and building your own confidence first. Some of your post reads like a fourteen year old.

And for god sake don't take complete strangers back to your house or go to theirs. They will take this as 'we are going to be having sex'. If you decide 'no actually we're not,' you're in an incredibly vulnerable situation.

Get off the dating apps and meet men in real life, get to know them as human beings first.

And yes if you are going off with a stranger into a potentially dangerous situation you should TELL SOMEONE where you are and who you're with. It's basic self preservation.

And being autistic makes you additionally vulnerable. Please take all the very consistent advice you've received here.

Are you discussing sex or ith people before you've met them?

Man here.

DO NOT take a man to your house on a first date, it's very risky. Also I really wouldn't have a very high opinion of a woman who wanted to sleep with me on the first date - to be clear there is nothing wrong with that per se, but it just smacks of wanting sex and nothing else, and will IMHO attract the wrong kind of man.

Dating "early days" two chaps and choosing one, again OK, but not sleeping with two at once, that to me would be deceitful and give me the ick as people love to say.

I've just started seeing a lovely lady, I'm 45, she 43 to give you an idea. Date 1, walk and lunch, just a kiss goodbye. Date 2, cinema and dinner, she instigated kissing, lovely, felt like silly teenagers. Date 3 tonight she is coming here for dinner - if something happens lovely if not, it doesn't, its not a race.

We are both teachers and teach in the same school, known each other for 10 years, so no safety concerns either way.

Slow and steady! Good luck.

You don't need to tell your parents anything, you're 25!
Unless of course you live with them,in that case brining random men home without warning isn't ok

I think it's a very bad idea to bring a man you've just met into your home, meet them for drinks first.
This isn't because it's promiscuous it's because it's putting yourself at risk

Somebody should know you're going on a date and where you're going to be too for safety reasons, doesn't have to be your parents it could be a friend

Op asking for trouble if you invite a complete stranger into your home. Meet in public for the first few dates unless you just want a one night stand.....basic common sense

You messaged him saying you wanted to meet a few times before you have sex?! Crikey love. No.

And please do not take strange men back to your house.

OP, are you a bit enmeshed with you parents? I cannot imagine why you’d think you need to tell your mum you want to date, or why she’d ’go Mad’. That’s really strange.

Also, and this isn’t supposed to be unkind, you seem extremely naive and quite childlike in the way you write about this.

Don’t invite men to your home for the first time. Meet them in a neutral setting for a coffee or a drink. A short date. Then meet again if they seem nice. Don’t just invite men to your home for sex off the bat, that’s really foolish.

Have you got friends you can talk to about this?

Scrap the dates and get some counselling. It's sounds like something really toxic has happened to you and is colouring your vision.

I'm not at all against a FWB situation, but the worst reason you could go ito something like that is because you feel 'unworthy' of a proper relationship.

OP, you sound absolutely lovely but maybe a little naive (that’s maybe the wrong word and I don’t mean any offence by it! Unworldly?) I wondered if you were ND from your post.

You mentioned that you have been in a toxic relationship before. Have you looked into how to spot warning signs (red flags) in relationships? I think we should all be taught about it at school as it would save a lot of heartache and damage. If you know what the danger signs are then that will help protect you. Do you have someone you can check in with to see if something is “normal” in a relationship? Normal comes in lots of different variations, but you’ll usually find that someone else has experienced something similar. If they haven’t, that’s normally a sign that something isn’t right. Mumsnet is a great place to be as you can ask a lot of people at one time and get a consensus very quickly.

If you don’t know “how to do relationships” then there will be be men who take advantage of that. They take advantage of NT women, too. They’re just horrible people who don’t deserve your emotional attention. The sort of bloke you will meet on a dating app like Tinder etc is not the sort of bloke you have a long term relationship with. You’re looking in the wrong box. Those men are the ones who want sex and not long term relationships. Agree with the others not to take men back to your home on a first date. I haven’t dated in way too long, but it’s not something I would do today. 20 years ago, yes. Now, no way.

I don’t know if there are any podcasts etc you could listen to about having relationships with Asperger’s but I’d think there would be. Your mum is going to be concerned for your safety. Do you think you could have a chat with her and ask her for advice on how to stay safe & spot the good men (many of us never learn that totally, but there are things you can do to help!). If you have a friend, neighbour, relative you trust you could have a code word system so eg they can meet the guy and if things get concerning for them or they think he’s being toxic etc they say the code word which lets you know things might not be ok. Just something so you can check in to make sure your’e being treated well.

Not all men are abusive and toxic and there are things we can learn to spot the trash before we get hurt. There will be a lovely bloke out there for you and there is nothing wrong with having casual sex if that’s what you want to do, but you will need to know how to do it in a way that protects you physically and emotionally. You sound lovely and I wish you all the best 💐

And absolutely do not advertise that you are looking for sex. Unless you are on a site specifically for that, you will attract the creepers who are looking to harm you and take advantage of you. A couple dates for coffee or drinks first to see if there is even attraction and they don’t scare you and then let it go from there.

Don't tell anyone your surname, address, date of birth, company or university you go to. Nothing that can identify you.

For example you can say you live 'near' a town (on reality that town is near your actual town).

Or that you work 'in an office' or 'in a supermarket' or 'im studying at a local uni'. And don't give further info.

Don't say things like I got to This Pub every Saturday night. Or jogging alone in the Local Park on Tuesday at 7am.

You need to read up on how to date safely. You need to be meeting in daylight in a busy area with a plan to leave and get home safely. You shouldn't be drunk as it lowers inhibitions. No sex til at least the third date.

You just need to be a bit more savvy. Or you'll end up taken advantage of by some weirdo. No shag is worth that.

Do you have no concern or even thought towards your safety? Have you not seen news of women being murdered by someone they’ve just met. You seem so naive and I would never be as trusting as you are.

I was going to ask exactly this, this is not a good idea at all!

You should not be meeting someone for the first time in your house or theirs....why aren't you meeting in a public place for a coffee/drink/meal? This is about safety rather than judging you.

As for telling your mum? You're an adult...if you're meeting a man for the first time it's probably a good idea to tell someone you know for safety reasons but you don't need parental permission to go on a date.

You sound very immature for your age to be honest....I think you should probably not be dating for now...work on maturing a bit .

'Casual' sex is anything but casual for women. For me, having sex with strangers online is on the same risk level as some extreme sports.

There's a lot of disturbing or damaging things that can happen to women that don't include murder or rape - boundary pushing, porn-sick, fetishy or stalkery weirdo men who've fully captialised on the online dating scene and the fact that you are not part of their extended circle.

I agree with @babbi @MilitantFawcett that this is seriously not something for you. Putting yourself at risk is not worth it for the sake of satisfying your libido like this. A few hours could leave you with lasting physical & emotional scars. That's the risk for any heterosexual woman you could say, but the risk is a lot higher regarding what you're planning to do.

There's nothing wrong with just having a hook up with someone if that's what you want to do, but as people have said, don't bring them to your place. Meet them in a public place, use a hotel room, have a safe call set up, have an exit strategy. But you need to be coming from a sex-positive viewpoint.

If you have low self-esteem, and are already badmouthing yourself for contemplating casual sex, then actually going through with this would be an act of self-harm.

It's really not your mum's business.

I had been to university, got married and bought a house by 24 so you should know your own mind by now!

Well put

Sidebar to some extent

@milkyway512 you say you "want sex" but do you? I feel like what you've said at odds with just wanting sex.

OP, unfortunately women with autism are vulnerable to both abuse, manipulation and sexual abuse so you must be careful.

Please read some books like
"Women who love too much" norwood
"Why does he do that?" Bundy
"The gift of fear" de becker
These books are essential reading for all women but could be very helpful as would the
Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to help with boundaries.

You must develop your ability to listen to your gut and trust that if something does not feel right, it is not right.
Your safety is paramount at all times.

My wonderful daughter is autistic and this subject is very close to my heart.

You deserve only kindness, respect, and consideration always.

Settle for nothing less.

You are perfectly within your rights to have sex on a first date but please think about this: you haven't even met either of them yet so how do you know you will want to sleep with either/both of them? I'm not saying wait for love and commitment but surely a semblance of attraction/chemistry would be key to your enjoyment. He might sound ok on line but give you the total ick in real life. Maybe I'm just old fashioned!

I also agree with the other posters comments about it being risky to agree to go home with a man you haven't got to know and trust. It's unlikely but if you don't know him from Adam he could be an axe murderer.

Edited for spelling.

Ok OP, I can see how dating might be difficult for you in terms of social norms due to your autism. I would say that if you’re actually looking for a long term relationship, then pursue that. If you’re currently wanting sex, consider male friends you already know who might be interested in that kind of set up on a short term basis. It’s better to have someone you know than randoms you don’t, especially if they are also known to the rest of your friend group. Bringing strangers back to your home could be very dangerous. You could be bringing a Ted Bundy back or someone who starts stalking you because they know where you live. Make sure you’re protecting yourself against STDs and STIs. You can catch something from anyone but the more different people you sleep with, the more your chances of catching something increases. So that’s something to consider too. Put the effort in to finding a good long term partner since that’s what you actually want. If you’re just really horny you can also buy yourself some toys. You should talk with your female friends it’s not bothering them. It might be a good idea to do some work on your own self esteem before entertaining any man though because you seem quite vulnerable to attracting abusive men who would manipulate you and take advantage. I think some counselling would be a great idea and try to learn how to spot red flags too. You could always do the freedom programme to learn about that. I hope you find a lovely partner you can build a long term relationship with.

There's a big range of what's "normal" but I personally would not want someone coming to my house the first time I meet them; or going to their house.
I would want to know more about them and want the chance to do some social media due diligence.

Do not promise them or give them the impression beforehand that sex will be had. And do not feel that it is expected or the done thing.
They will not be expecting that as a given.