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Original poster

I don't think I can stay with my husband

58 replies

Ilostseptember · 19/02/2025 18:51

We've been together 30 years. We love each other and have 1 13 year old child. For the last 5 -10 years there has been a variety of truly horrific life experience. His mother got very ill, my father died, his mother died, I had an ectopic pregnancy. During this time he has risen through the ranks in his job. Public sector, now a director and very, very stressed. I just never wanted to be the directors wife, I work part time because one of us needs to be around for our son and I can't rely on my husband, to reduce his stress burden I keep taking on family responsibility but I can no longer take being the house keeper, nanny and work. I don't even really see the benefits of the extra money. What do I do? I've repeatedly asked him to review his job, told him I'm unhappy but truthfully I believe I can only influence me and I think I will have to leave the person I love because I can't live this lifestyle with him. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.

OP posts:
ViciousCurrentBun · 19/02/2025 18:54

My DH was a head of dept at a University, he retired early recently. I hardly saw the man some weeks plus his research meant he went overseas. He pulled his weight when home though and we had a cleaner. Real love is so very hard to find.

AgnesX · 19/02/2025 18:56

As so many people will suggest, outsource the cleaning, ironing etc.

You said that you have one child so life shouldn't be that onerous surely?

UltraHorse · 19/02/2025 18:56

Could you leave your job if money isn't a problem or employ a cleaner to reduce what you have to do it sounds like your husband earns enough

Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 19/02/2025 18:58

ViciousCurrentBun · 19/02/2025 18:54

My DH was a head of dept at a University, he retired early recently. I hardly saw the man some weeks plus his research meant he went overseas. He pulled his weight when home though and we had a cleaner. Real love is so very hard to find.

Aww what a lovely post .

Dillydollydingdong · 19/02/2025 19:02

So if you leave him, what then? You end up on your own with just as much to do as you do now. But with less money. How is that better for you? You might end up with some dodgy character - and how would your DC feel about it? Just get a cleaner!

Lmnop22 · 19/02/2025 19:09

You want to leave your husband after 30 years together because you don’t want to be a director’s wife?

Just get your 13 year old help out round the house or assign chores to each person in the household and keep to a schedule so it’s not all on you?

thismummydrinksgin · 19/02/2025 19:12

As a director in public sector surely he has a decent holiday allowance, can commit to finishing at a reasonable time one day a week ? Obviously I acknowledge it's a very pressured role BUT it should be possible to put boundaries in and prioritise family time one day a week as he has a child. Perhaps have a very serious chat and ask for that as a minimum , what do your weekends look like? X

Bibi12 · 19/02/2025 19:13

How will your life improve if you're on your own?
You work part time and you only have one child who is 13 so fairly independent and doesn't need constant care. Mine are similar age and younger and clean up after themselves etc. If you don't like doing all the housework can you use extra money to outsource?

Zanatdy · 19/02/2025 19:17

Your DC is a teenager so do you really need to work part time still? Granted you do most stuff at home, but one child and one who can chip in shouldn’t be that difficult. If you’re thinking of ending the relationship you need to consider your earning potential. What do you want your DH to do? Presumably he isn’t going to downgrade, if he goes to private sector likely to be more stress not less. A directors role is tough going, i’m several grades below and regularly work 45-50hr weeks. It’s just reality. If he is genuinely stressed he needs to consider his health. Blood pressure etc. But not sure what the answer is, are you proposing he quits and takes a much easier role and you go full-time and earn more?

NeedToKnow101 · 19/02/2025 19:23

I'd get a cleaner, get hobbies / friends of my own, and plan great weekends and holidays for the three of you to always look forward to. He must get good annual leave as he's public sector.

How does his stress manifest?

Nothatgingerpirate · 19/02/2025 19:28

I don't see the problem.
Get "outside help".
Enjoy the money his job brings.
Simples.

Fionuala · 19/02/2025 19:31

i wonder what you mean by the lifestyle? It seems typical mix most women have.
Really it does not seem like grounds to leave him. Talk to him.
Sit him down business like - book a time with him and trash this out or rather I mean - discuss.
He doesn't sound as if he has faulted you in any serious way it's more about time management etc

Fairyvocals · 19/02/2025 19:47

I’m not really seeing the problem. Is it actually that you’re lonely and you miss him?

Summerhillsquare · 19/02/2025 20:07

UltraHorse · 19/02/2025 18:56

Could you leave your job if money isn't a problem or employ a cleaner to reduce what you have to do it sounds like your husband earns enough

Maybe OP would like an active partner and a career of her own? You know, equality.

Summerhillsquare · 19/02/2025 20:10

Some odd reactions here, evidently this is the dream for some. But I get it. My exh was always work fixated and became a workaholic (and a humourless anxious and cold person) as he rose through the ranks. I fell in love with a warm and kind man and it all eroded.

Ponderingwindow · 19/02/2025 20:17

So you trade your current life for running a household solo and having the extra stress of managing a coparenting relationship and a child living between two houses.

perhaps there is more you haven’t written about, but this doesn’t seem worth leaving over.

you can sit down with your husband and work out a budget to outsource as much labor as possible. You can refuse to keep doing as much of the family labor and insist he take on additional tasks. Plenty of women in high positions manage to fit it all in so he can as well

Astronautstar · 19/02/2025 20:20

It's very hard to be around someone who is emotionally absent, stressed and clearly prioritising other things all the time. I don't know why anyone expects you'd like it.

But do make sure he definitely won't change.

GiraffesAtThePark · 19/02/2025 20:21

You mentions lots of stressful events. Could they still be weighing on you? And that’s why you’re feeling like this? Like others say how would you be in a better situation if you left?

Tumbleweed44 · 19/02/2025 20:26

Forget about your DH for now what are your DS’s aspirations and goals in life?

MY DC wanted to get into a very competitive degree and needed top GCSE’s and A levels and a huge amount of support from 14 years to 18 years to help them achieve their goals. My DH commuted to London most days and we live in Manchester. I became the default parent. I just focused on my DC and at 18 they got the grades they needed and are studying towards their chosen profession at Uni and loving it.

This was enough for me during those 4 years. I made it be enough. Why implode your DC’s life now so close to GCSE’s? What will it gain?

Hotflushesandchilblains · 19/02/2025 20:44

The scheduling and chores can be outsourced or there are apps like family calendar which can help. But I wonder if it is about the amount you have to do or about the fact that his priorities now are all away from the family? Not being around to do chores is one thing. But someone who is not really interested in family life is something else. Do you get to spend time together at all?

whatonearthisgoingonnow · 19/02/2025 20:44

So your husband has loved you for 30 years, has been through all these traumatic events with you and held it all together enough to excel at his job on top of everything throughout it all and provide for you as a family in a top role and your response is to divorce him? What?

You need to pull yourself together and get a cleaner and whatever home help you need. Are you depressed, is that why you can't cope?

Kosenrufugirl · 19/02/2025 21:16

Every marriage goes through ups and downs. Do you like reading? If you do I thoroughly recommend Loving Against the Odds by Rob Parsons

TagSplashMaverick · 19/02/2025 21:24

What do you mean @Ilostseptember when you say you don’t see the benefit of this supposed extra money he brings in? How do you manage finances? Is it shared?

TagSplashMaverick · 19/02/2025 21:25

whatonearthisgoingonnow · 19/02/2025 20:44

So your husband has loved you for 30 years, has been through all these traumatic events with you and held it all together enough to excel at his job on top of everything throughout it all and provide for you as a family in a top role and your response is to divorce him? What?

You need to pull yourself together and get a cleaner and whatever home help you need. Are you depressed, is that why you can't cope?

Edited

Come on now…

GreyAreas · 19/02/2025 21:32

You love each other. Tell him in words of one syllable. You are going to stop picking up his slack to reduce his stress burden. And actually stop doing it. You have asked him to change it, he hasn't. It doesn't mean you have to run yourself ragged. Tell him what your goals and aims are, and start going for them. Be a loving couple both doing your thing and accept that you have as much agency and importance as he does. He and your son will value you more when you do less, I bet.

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