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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't think I can stay with my husband

58 replies

Ilostseptember · 19/02/2025 18:51

We've been together 30 years. We love each other and have 1 13 year old child. For the last 5 -10 years there has been a variety of truly horrific life experience. His mother got very ill, my father died, his mother died, I had an ectopic pregnancy. During this time he has risen through the ranks in his job. Public sector, now a director and very, very stressed. I just never wanted to be the directors wife, I work part time because one of us needs to be around for our son and I can't rely on my husband, to reduce his stress burden I keep taking on family responsibility but I can no longer take being the house keeper, nanny and work. I don't even really see the benefits of the extra money. What do I do? I've repeatedly asked him to review his job, told him I'm unhappy but truthfully I believe I can only influence me and I think I will have to leave the person I love because I can't live this lifestyle with him. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilostseptember · 20/02/2025 12:09

AgnesX · 19/02/2025 18:56

As so many people will suggest, outsource the cleaning, ironing etc.

You said that you have one child so life shouldn't be that onerous surely?

You know the number of children is not important here or ever.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilostseptember · 20/02/2025 12:23

whatonearthisgoingonnow · 19/02/2025 20:44

So your husband has loved you for 30 years, has been through all these traumatic events with you and held it all together enough to excel at his job on top of everything throughout it all and provide for you as a family in a top role and your response is to divorce him? What?

You need to pull yourself together and get a cleaner and whatever home help you need. Are you depressed, is that why you can't cope?

Edited

Ok harsh, actually no to support me through the hard times. Love does not cure everything and a repeated pattern of lack of emotional or practical support and my own god damned baggage has got me to a point of being stuck. He works very hard, I am very proud of him. He has overcome a lot. He is working at the expense of his own life and values. He and I both know that. I have tried to support him by taking all the emotional, practical, and family labour and yes it is too much for me, yes I do suffer depression, yes I take medication and have therapy. Because I'm an Adult capable of taking responsibility for my own feelings, but sure I guess just accepting this life because my husband is amazing at his job and it's the 1950s is the answer 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilostseptember · 20/02/2025 12:27

Dillydollydingdong · 19/02/2025 19:02

So if you leave him, what then? You end up on your own with just as much to do as you do now. But with less money. How is that better for you? You might end up with some dodgy character - and how would your DC feel about it? Just get a cleaner!

So this is my thinking. I'm not actually interested in another relationship. This really isn't about me wanting to leave at all. Alone I guess at least I wouldn't have to constantly be reminded of my own upbringing with a volatile and over stressed father who was successful against the odds but was terrifying to live with. This isn't about domestic labour that's just shit that needs to happen. It's about how can I save my marriage whilst also not reliving my child hood

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilostseptember · 20/02/2025 12:32

NeedToKnow101 · 19/02/2025 19:23

I'd get a cleaner, get hobbies / friends of my own, and plan great weekends and holidays for the three of you to always look forward to. He must get good annual leave as he's public sector.

How does his stress manifest?

I do have hobbies and friends, I try to get my support outside the home. We go on holiday, then I see the man I married. The rest of the time he is miserable, uncommunicative, grumpy, unhelpful, clueless and unreliable. How do I balance that? This isn't the life he wants either but I can't force him to change, he's genuinely burning out and I can't save him.

OP posts:
Desmondo2021 · 20/02/2025 12:33

If you truly love the man then how on earth can you be thinking of leaving the relationship for those reasons. You have 1 x 13 year old who (assuming no additional needs) can walk, get the bus, ride bike to clubs, can be left home alone and feed, water himself, presumably. I absolutely fail to see why the leap from 'having to do a bit more than he does at home) to 'ending it'. The post doesn't make sense. He's not a lazy layabout, he's the man you love who's been very successful in his career. If you love him, support him! Get a cleaner, outsource the ironing. Genuinely missing the point here!

Original poster
Ilostseptember · 20/02/2025 12:35

Fairyvocals · 19/02/2025 19:47

I’m not really seeing the problem. Is it actually that you’re lonely and you miss him?

Yes of course I do, I know it's hard for people to understand but I really do love the crazy freak. He is my best friend and he's killing himself i just don't know how much longer I can watch him bury himself. Of course yes I want to be in his authentic company as well not the stress goblin I currently live with.

OP posts:
Dror · 20/02/2025 12:37

The number of children matters, yes. Eg. If you had 5 toddlers vs. 1 teenager your life would not be similar whatsoever.

I keep taking on family responsibility but I can no longer take being the house keeper, nanny and work.

If you want to divorce the 'miserable, uncommunicative, grumpy, unhelpful, clueless and unreliable' (yikes!) man you will have to find somewhere to live, work full time, run your house alone and split raising your teenager with the man.

ThriveIn2025 · 20/02/2025 12:40

So you want him to quit his job and if he doesn’t you’ll leave him? Is that the gist? I’d think carefully before issuing any ultimatum. It’s his choice to stay in the job, even if it isn’t any good for him. He’s not going to appreciate you forcing his hand.

Original poster
Ilostseptember · 20/02/2025 12:50

Summerhillsquare · 19/02/2025 20:07

Maybe OP would like an active partner and a career of her own? You know, equality.

Show quote history

Thank you, you found the words I couldn't. I want an equal partnership. We always did have, we both earned the same money worked the same hours, he worked compressed hours for child care, I worked part time. Then, he started progressing and I end up waking up years later and I don't recognise my own life.

OP posts:
PastaBolognese · 20/02/2025 12:50

"He is working at the expense of his own life and values"

Why is he doing that?

NeedToKnow101 · 20/02/2025 12:52

He shouldn't be taking his stress out on you. Can you talk to him about this?

And can you both sit down and work on a five-year plan together. He's not always going to be a director; plan for the times after that. But also presumably you live in a nice house, with nice stuff and holidays, and the financial security that come with his salary.

pinkdelight · 20/02/2025 12:59

What is this nannying that you're doing? You've got one (and of course the number of DC makes a difference) 13yo. Unless they have unusual issues, there's no need for you to even be part-time to be around for them and it'll be even less within five years. We have two teens and both me and DH have the kinds of jobs you're talking about, plus the ups and downs of life events, and it's not this struggle you describe. Perhaps you've not articulated it in enough detail, but 'running a household' of three people really shouldn't create that much stress. I don't know that your DH and his job is the real issue here and certainly wouldn't give it up if I were him and I found it to fulfilling. To do what?

pinkdelight · 20/02/2025 13:02

Ilostseptember · 20/02/2025 12:50

Thank you, you found the words I couldn't. I want an equal partnership. We always did have, we both earned the same money worked the same hours, he worked compressed hours for child care, I worked part time. Then, he started progressing and I end up waking up years later and I don't recognise my own life.

Show quote history

Just saw this - so he was around for childcare when DC little and needed it. Most people would be fine to crank up the career by now. You don't say why you didn't or aren't doing. Is this 'waking up' more about you needing to do things than your DH? Because I don't see how he or the DC are stopping you if you want to?

Diningtableornot · 20/02/2025 13:09

Are you angry OP? You don't say so or use angry language, but perhaps there s some rage bubbling away that the stupid idiot won't see that he is destroying his marriage and home life by prioritising work so much?

Tartanboots · 20/02/2025 13:13

It's not about getting a cleaner or not being ungrateful, it's about the OP getting her husband back. If he's changed into a different person, and is no longer who she married it's reasonable to consider a split if nothing is going to change.
The stressful life events are sadly pretty normal for a middle aged couple, as awful as they are. I had 3 close bereavements in 18 months when I was 40/41 and it really made me see that life is short and not to be wasted being miserable. There are still a few years until exams for the 13 year old, so if you really want to split up, sooner rather than later would be better. Unless you can hang on another 5 years?
Does he know how you feel? Would he change jobs? Could you get a better job so the bills are still paid if he does downgrade? If your husband has to choose between his big job and his family which would he pick?

Dror · 20/02/2025 13:14

Diningtableornot · 20/02/2025 13:09

Are you angry OP? You don't say so or use angry language, but perhaps there s some rage bubbling away that the stupid idiot won't see that he is destroying his marriage and home life by prioritising work so much?

OP already called him miserable, uncommunicative, grumpy, unhelpful, clueless and unreliable, now he's a 'stupid idiot' too?

What nannying do you do OP?

Do you think running a house by yourself and working full time will be easier than your life now?

EmeraldsandRubies · 20/02/2025 13:20

You don't need to be part time if you have a teenager.

Get a full time job and outsource the things you are doing now.

Lots of cleaners will also do housekeeping (changing beds, ironing etc).

You may not have wanted to be a Directors wife but sounds like he wants to be a Director so make it work. It won't be forever and when he retires and your son leaves home, things will change again.

I can't see how leaving him will change or improve anything? Are you trying to force his hand to reduce his hours? But he won't. He will pay you CM and see his son at the weekends. And meet someone else. Why would you want that?

FindusMakesPancakes · 20/02/2025 13:21

How old is he? How old are you? Is this a midlife 'is this it' moment? What is holding you back from going full time or pushing your own career forward, now your child is older? Can you afford to outsource some things to reduce the load on you? Have you talked to him about how you are feeling, or are you just bottling it up to the point where one day you are going to erupt?

I would go and get some solo counselling, really get to the bottom of what you want and what needs to change and talk with him about how you get there before throwing 30 years away.

myplace · 20/02/2025 13:24

miserable, uncommunicative, grumpy, unhelpful, clueless and unreliable…

OP is feeling lonely in a crowded room.

She’s married to an absent grump who is rarely there and not good company when he is.

She’s entitled to want more.

And in contrast to everyone else, I’d say it’s easier running a house and child alone, around your own needs, than with an unpredictable partner who has their own demands and complications but doesn’t carry any of the load.

But you love him. I would warn him of the situation, that the two of you are growing apart, then mentally unshackle myself from any expectations of him. Get your social and emotional needs met elsewhere, evening classes, friendships, hobbies… stop organising life around him, do it for yourself and your son. Eat what and when it suits you and your teen.

At some point your husband may realise he’s missing out and get back on the family bus. If not, you will be living a better life anyway.

Jurassicparkinajug · 20/02/2025 13:28

Have you told him you’re thinking of leaving? Why don’t you write down how you are feeling, even in a text. Sometimes reading the words has more impact than saying them. I’m not sure how things would be different if you left, you’d be in the exact same position although without having to tolerate a grumpy partner I guess. Life’s too short to be that stressed and it’ll likely affect his health in the end. But I get that it’ll be hard for him to take a step backwards in his career. It depends what his priorities are- his career or you/ family life. Perhaps phrase it like that, he needs to make that choice because you are unhappy and something has to change.

Tartanboots · 20/02/2025 13:45

myplace · 20/02/2025 13:24

miserable, uncommunicative, grumpy, unhelpful, clueless and unreliable…

OP is feeling lonely in a crowded room.

She’s married to an absent grump who is rarely there and not good company when he is.

She’s entitled to want more.

And in contrast to everyone else, I’d say it’s easier running a house and child alone, around your own needs, than with an unpredictable partner who has their own demands and complications but doesn’t carry any of the load.

But you love him. I would warn him of the situation, that the two of you are growing apart, then mentally unshackle myself from any expectations of him. Get your social and emotional needs met elsewhere, evening classes, friendships, hobbies… stop organising life around him, do it for yourself and your son. Eat what and when it suits you and your teen.

At some point your husband may realise he’s missing out and get back on the family bus. If not, you will be living a better life anyway.

Based on direct experience I totally agree with the bit about running a house on your own as a single parent being easier than with a moody, grumpy, spouse! It can be incredibly stressful living with someone like that for years on end. Much easier with only yourself to please, and one child to look after.

EuclidianGeometryFan · 20/02/2025 14:29

Ilostseptember · 20/02/2025 12:50

Thank you, you found the words I couldn't. I want an equal partnership. We always did have, we both earned the same money worked the same hours, he worked compressed hours for child care, I worked part time. Then, he started progressing and I end up waking up years later and I don't recognise my own life.

Show quote history

If you worked part time then and still work part time now, your life has not changed that much.
What has changed is him - so you now get less of his company, he does less around the house, and his personality has worsened. On the plus side, presumably the family has more money.

Sadly, it is not possible to change another person - they have to want to change for themselves. You can talk to him, explain the seriousness of the situation, suggest marriage counselling, but ultimately you cannot make him back into the person that he once was.

Given that you can't change him, think about what changes you can make in your own life. Which basically boils down to two things: how much of a career do you want to pursue for yourself, and how much do you want to expand your social life and hobbies.

As others have said, you may find living alone easier than dealing with his moods each day, but in years to come you may regret giving up on the relationship - only you can decide.

Original poster
Ilostseptember · 20/02/2025 15:34

Ok, thanks to you all, you've helped me see that for me this is about having a fulfilling emotional relationship. No amount of cleaners or children taking themselves to clubs helps with that. Also on introspection some of my responses to our set up come from a difficult family life with a not dissimilar family set up but unfortunately for me my dad was physically abusive, sometimes I'm responding to that not now. I won't answer any more questions but rest assured you've all helped.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilostseptember · 20/02/2025 15:43

Dror · 20/02/2025 12:37

The number of children matters, yes. Eg. If you had 5 toddlers vs. 1 teenager your life would not be similar whatsoever.

I keep taking on family responsibility but I can no longer take being the house keeper, nanny and work.

If you want to divorce the 'miserable, uncommunicative, grumpy, unhelpful, clueless and unreliable' (yikes!) man you will have to find somewhere to live, work full time, run your house alone and split raising your teenager with the man.

I'm not sure competing about toddlers v teens or numbers are ever helpful. Perhaps I could have 14 kids like my great grandparents and then I'd have something to complain about? Would that make you happy?

OP posts:
Dror · 20/02/2025 15:48

You said that the number of children someone has is not important here or ever.
It's very relevant to how difficult or complex someone's life is, as other people have agreed.

People can choose what lifestyle they want, this is an excellent thing. You can take charge of your future and what you enjoy.