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Original poster

How do I find them

63 replies

Ohdeerohno · 19/02/2025 11:20

I met my BF about a year ago. I had just come out of a financially abusive relationship, where we owned a property together (me 90% him 10%). It took a long while to sell as he was being very difficult about it. Naively I thought I was protected because we had a deed of trust setting out who owned what, what I hadn't anticipated was that he would have "equal" say in sales proceedings and because I was subsidising his living he clung on until a court order and the last possible moment to keep me paying for him.

Anyway, because of this I was clear from the outset with the new BF that whilst I would live with someone again, I wouldn't buy a property together outside of marriage. For starters I want that commitment, and second I want a formal exit framework should stuff go wrong. I think there are lots of ways you could live together without buying a home together - I could move into his, he to mine; we could rent out both properties and rent somewhere together...lots of options.

I'd happily marry him tomorrow, there's no issue with commitment from my side. But I wouldn't tie finances with him without commitment. Recently though he has started to make noises about borrowing some money from me. Think house deposit sort of value. Whilst I want to be supportive, I don't want to support him. And I have always made it clear because of my history I want to take a hyper cautious approach.

Am I wrong in thinking that if I have been clear that I wouldn't buy a house together, it should go without saying that that also covers loaning significant sums of cash?

What is it about me that seems to attract these men? I'm a bit disappointed in him today to be honest.

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 19/02/2025 11:23

Huge red flag and in your shoes I’d be done. I’ve never in my life had a man ask me to lend money and that would be an immediate trigger to dump.

Tell him no and see his reaction - you can always tell a man’s true colours when you say no to him.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 19/02/2025 11:24

It is disappointing for you. I think you need to be absolutely blunt. Tell him, if he hints again, that you will not lend him any money. How he behaves after that will help to inform you. Don't rely on what he says. If he promises you marriage, how would you know it was genuine?

Original poster
Ohdeerohno · 19/02/2025 11:27

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 19/02/2025 11:24

It is disappointing for you. I think you need to be absolutely blunt. Tell him, if he hints again, that you will not lend him any money. How he behaves after that will help to inform you. Don't rely on what he says. If he promises you marriage, how would you know it was genuine?

I think in the same way anyone else would. I would hope it came up as a desire to move the relationship forwards.

I certainly wouldn't say I will do x if we get married. I only mentioned that I would happily marry him tomorrow to demonstrate that my unwillingness to lend money isn't because I am not committed to him or don't see a future together.

OP posts:
BumpandBounce · 19/02/2025 11:31

After only a year? Not a chance.

My BF of 5 years recently needed funds to buy a new car. I could have loaned him £4,000. He didn’t ask but, if he had, I’d have said no. He got a bank loan.

Your BF is an adult and needs to look after his own finances, especially so early in a relationship.

CuteEasterBunny · 19/02/2025 11:33

He will likely flake and fuck off when you tell him no. Don’t be foolish and give it to him, he will probably disappear either way.

Be very wary of false promises re getting married and living together. He could still do those things and fleece you. Take money completely out of the equation.

junebirthdaygirl · 19/02/2025 11:35

Be very careful as he realises you got money from the sale of your house..hold that tight. I am shocked he even hinted at borrowing money. Does he work? Is he financially able to support himself? If no to either of these RUN as like your previous partner he will bleed you dry.

Original poster
Ohdeerohno · 19/02/2025 12:19

junebirthdaygirl · 19/02/2025 11:35

Be very careful as he realises you got money from the sale of your house..hold that tight. I am shocked he even hinted at borrowing money. Does he work? Is he financially able to support himself? If no to either of these RUN as like your previous partner he will bleed you dry.

He works, has his own money, but a lot is tied up in investments (although even typing that that sounds like what every bloody romance fraudster says 😂)

I think he just sees my money as more liquid. He also definitely thinks it could be working harder. I am very risk averse now- so its bunged in savings accounts, he's more stocks and shares.

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 19/02/2025 12:49

I’d find the “making noises” the most concerning aspect. I’d have less of a problem if he was completely matter of fact and upfront with a business-like ask, acknowledged that it was a huge one and foresaw the response being a no, but had thought ahead about a legally drawn up repayment plan or taking it as a formal secured loan or second charge against an asset of his etc. But a weasley “making noises” approach which you’re supposed to take the hint about and infer what he wants from you whilst potentially feeling a bit awkward? Nah, you don’t want to get involved financially with anybody like that, boyfriend or not. And I’d also be reconsidering how I felt about the relationship - that approach just shows a complete lack of respect for you.

Mum2Fergus · 19/02/2025 13:00

Give him a definitive 'no' - his response will tell you all you need to know.

smallsilvercloud · 19/02/2025 13:02

Run for hills, he won't use his own money to invest with but wants yours. Your are not a bank, show him the door!
Never lend what you're willing to risk to lose, I'd be so put off a bf asking to borrow money, In fact I'd not even lend a tenner as it shows they can't manage their own.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 19/02/2025 13:05

I think he just sees my money as more liquid. He also definitely thinks it could be working harder.

Yes, he thinks it would work harder if it flowed in his direction. I call bollocks on his investments. I think he's targeted you, OP, I'm afraid.

Often on here people suggesting talking things through and while that's great sometimes, it's absolutely no good if someone's trying to rip you off. He will know how to reply (after all, I very much doubt this is the first time he's tried this on) and will be persuasive, so that even if you don't lend him money you don't dump him, but he's still the same man underneath.

I think you've gone from one emotionally and financially abusive man to another. I completely agree with you on your financial desires. Don't let this man near to you.

TheDogHasFarted · 19/02/2025 13:06

If his money is in stocks and shares, now is a really good time to cash some in to get the deposit he wants, because the stock market is really buoyant, so he should have made some good profits. If the stock market was low and he had lost money, then it would be understandable he wouldn't want to cash any in, because then he would be crystallising his loss. But it's not low, it's surging, he should have made money over and above his initial investment. This 'tied up in stocks and shares' sounds like utter guff to me and its more like he wants to keep making profit on his own investments but is quite happy for you to lose the interest you would make on yours, by 'lending' it to him. Be wary, I think.

Dror · 19/02/2025 13:06

After only a year of dating what makes this boyfriend feel entitled to have an opinion on how your money could be 'working harder'?

He wants it to work harder by you sending it to his bank account.
Reconsider wanting to marry this man.

Have you done work on your standards and self esteem since dating the abuser?

Never date some man who wants to parasitically leech your bank account.

northernlight20 · 19/02/2025 13:07

if you lend him money, you will be back on this forum at some point about not being able to get your money back. id dump him.

category12 · 19/02/2025 13:13

I think he just sees my money as more liquid. He also definitely thinks it could be working harder

Or he sees it as his. Just strikes me as a bit arrogant and big-man.

None of his business what you do with your money at this stage.

Say no outright. How he reacts will be enlightening.

NeedsMustNet · 19/02/2025 14:13

What does he say he needs or wants the money for? And who pays for what in your relationship now?

It’s never been easier to sell stocks and shares than it is now, using online platforms. If he owes CGT, then that’s a happy consequence of investing well.

If he wants to borrow money, there are banks that can lend it to him….

On the plus side, you realised straight away this is not a good sign. We live, love and learn.

InSpainTheRain · 19/02/2025 14:17

Absolutely no way you should lend him the money. Run as far as possible. This is going the same way as the previous relationship where you were put in an awful position by your ex. Please (I mean this kindly) take some time on your own to really just be by yourself and try to break this cycle of financial abuse (as I see it).

Dror · 19/02/2025 14:20

@NeedsMustNet I think it's entirely irrelevant want the man wants to leech OPs money for. The only thing he needs is dumped.

blacksax · 19/02/2025 14:22

Ohdeerohno · 19/02/2025 12:19

He works, has his own money, but a lot is tied up in investments (although even typing that that sounds like what every bloody romance fraudster says 😂)

I think he just sees my money as more liquid. He also definitely thinks it could be working harder. I am very risk averse now- so its bunged in savings accounts, he's more stocks and shares.

Show quote history

It looks like he wants to use your money for his benefit.

I wouldn't be thinking about marrying him, I'd be telling him to fuck off.

Original poster
Ohdeerohno · 19/02/2025 14:55

NeedsMustNet · 19/02/2025 14:13

What does he say he needs or wants the money for? And who pays for what in your relationship now?

It’s never been easier to sell stocks and shares than it is now, using online platforms. If he owes CGT, then that’s a happy consequence of investing well.

If he wants to borrow money, there are banks that can lend it to him….

On the plus side, you realised straight away this is not a good sign. We live, love and learn.

Up until now we have paid pretty much equally for everything, which is why this is such a shock and disappointing.

I thought I had set out my boundaries clearly, we both treat each other well but pay our fair share, we each own our own homes and are financially solvent.

He wants to buy his dads portion of a family owned business. The business has always done well and if he doesn't buy then the shares will be sold to his uncle.

OP posts:
PeggyMitchellsCameo · 19/02/2025 15:10

Please, please, please don’t lend or offer a penny.
A relationship isn’t about being a banker. You have been through enough. What you bring to
the relationship as a person should be enough.
He has no right to think about your funds as being more liquid.
Having just watched a show in iPlayer about romance scams, whilst this doesn’t appear to be as dodgy on the surface, it is unsettling to read.
No is a full sentence.

TwistedWonder · 19/02/2025 15:15

Ohdeerohno · 19/02/2025 14:55

Up until now we have paid pretty much equally for everything, which is why this is such a shock and disappointing.

I thought I had set out my boundaries clearly, we both treat each other well but pay our fair share, we each own our own homes and are financially solvent.

He wants to buy his dads portion of a family owned business. The business has always done well and if he doesn't buy then the shares will be sold to his uncle.

Show quote history

Well time to release some of the funds he’s got invested then. How would he raise the funds if you didn’t have the cash? He’d have to find a way then wouldn’t he?

A friend of mine was spun a similar tale by his son in law after he downsized his property a x head readily available cash. He leant just over 100k do the SIL could invest into a business - 10 years later he’s not had a penny back and had a decade of empty promises

outerspacepotato · 19/02/2025 15:15

Make it clear you and your money are not his personal bank.

This is way too quick for him to be hinting for you to loan him money. You found another would be financial user who thinks you will back him financially.

If he wants a loan to buy into his dad's business, he can go to a real bank. Don't you wonder why he isn't doing that?

Dump

itsnotrightbutisitok · 19/02/2025 15:16

You shouldn't lend him money regardless of whether or not you've told him you don't want to buy a house together.

You could end up losing it all.

If he's not a risk then he can go to the bank for a loan. If they won't lend him the money then that says it all!!!

junebirthdaygirl · 19/02/2025 15:21

Are you sure he has investments? Smacks of gambling to me. One year in he can do what he likes with his money but keep his hands off yours.

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