How do I find them

[Ohdeerohno]

I met my BF about a year ago. I had just come out of a financially abusive relationship, where we owned a property together (me 90% him 10%). It took a long while to sell as he was being very difficult about it. Naively I thought I was protected because we had a deed of trust setting out who owned what, what I hadn't anticipated was that he would have "equal" say in sales proceedings and because I was subsidising his living he clung on until a court order and the last possible moment to keep me paying for him.

Anyway, because of this I was clear from the outset with the new BF that whilst I would live with someone again, I wouldn't buy a property together outside of marriage. For starters I want that commitment, and second I want a formal exit framework should stuff go wrong. I think there are lots of ways you could live together without buying a home together - I could move into his, he to mine; we could rent out both properties and rent somewhere together...lots of options.

I'd happily marry him tomorrow, there's no issue with commitment from my side. But I wouldn't tie finances with him without commitment. Recently though he has started to make noises about borrowing some money from me. Think house deposit sort of value. Whilst I want to be supportive, I don't want to support him. And I have always made it clear because of my history I want to take a hyper cautious approach.

Am I wrong in thinking that if I have been clear that I wouldn't buy a house together, it should go without saying that that also covers loaning significant sums of cash?

What is it about me that seems to attract these men? I'm a bit disappointed in him today to be honest.

I do agree with this.

We’re not victim blaming OP but you r jumped from one abusive relationship straight into the next and you’ve missed the red flags because you are more vulnerable once you e been abused and not taken time to do the work on yourself sadly.

These men can sniff out vulnerability at a thousand paces and this one taken his time before showing his hand but show his hand he has and you really need to see this as the glaring red flag that it is.

Exactly this. He had equal say, so whilst I was paying say £900 of mortgage each month, he was paying £100, both to live in a 4 bedroom house. He knew as soon as it was sold his living expenses would go up 6 fold, so he was actually better off staying put.

He then rejected offers, messed the place up before viewings, and delayed on returning paperwork to stay put as long as possible.

I do see it as a red flag. I'm just so disappointed!

He has a good job, his own home, decent car, doesn't love-bomb, treated me well for a year. I'm just bitterly disappointed its taken so long for his true colours to show.

I'm 100% with you OP.

DH and I have separate accounts (including savings) as well as joint accounts (also including savings). In reality, we move money around all the time and don't really consider it mine/yours but shared, which includes big ticket purchases for primary use by just one of us. However, having both had partners in the past who fleeced us, it was important to both of us to have things set up to maintain independence. Hence the set up. And no way would we be moving money around so fluidly if we weren't married with the groundwork demonstrating commitment already laid.

You're right to say no and I would feel differently about him for suggesting it, particularly so soon into your relationship and prior to even living together fully.

Someone I care about is currently in a situation where they've lent a significant sum to a partner in relationship that moved far too quickly and IMO is unlikely to stand the test of time. I dread to think how that's going to end.

Apologies I thought this was about the new partner.
OP, your finances are really none of his business.
Barely a year together?
He shouldn't know any of your business.
I'd be bunging that in an account for 12 months no access if it suits you and make it crystal clear your money is not his to play with.

I'd be gone. Making plans with your money?
Not normal.

All the signs of a wide boy, playing the long game, looking for a mark.

Don't be his mark.

If he knows about your previous abusive DP he's probably been keeping his powder dry until his feet were "under the table", but a year's still a very short time to be launching into requests like this

That it's for a share in a family business almost makes it worse; his family of course, which suggests you'd have little say over what happened if you'd been foolish enough to make the loan

Tell him to realise some of his "investments" if it's such a good deal and watch his face fall

There is a reason why wise women will tell you to learn from abusive relationships but keep them 100% to yourself.

Why would you expose your previous misfortune and potential weakness to someone you do not know?

Keep it to yourself, like your financial business.

So sorry OP.

You really should have take an year or two single after an abusive relationship before dating again. People have a tendency to jump from one abuser to the next because they haven't healed from the first and are looking for a new man to make them feel better.

So you’re strong on the fact you’re not going to lend him a penny?

Don't even consider marrying him OP. He’s identified himself as a user.

One year together and asking for tens of thousands?? How did he take it when you said No?

I wonder if he has made any noises about his plans for repaying the money, like what timescale and where would the money for repaying it actually come from and when. Those are fairly fundamental details to offer, I'd have thought, when asking for a loan. I bet he hasn't because he has no thoughts on that nasty, inconvenient little detail and he doesn't take the issue of repaying you seriously. Just say no!

He couldn’t ask too soon though could he?

He’s got you to the point where you would marry him tomorrow, he’s built up your trust slowly and then asked when you felt secure with him.

Time will see if he now backs off.

How old are you? I'm sorry this is the third time this has happened to you. I mean this in the kindest possible way but do you think you could have autism? I only say this as several members of my family have high functioning autism and a common feature is naivity with money and they are frequently subjected to financial abuse. Unfortunately these men seem to have an amazing radar for vulnerable people.

I have been in several long term relationships and have never ever been asked for money or a loan. I can confidently say that if this ever happened they would be out of the door and blocked immediately. I generally only date men who are generous with their time and money from the outset both with me and with others; types that will alway tip a busker or buy a homeless person lunch. Maybe try to look out for these types?