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Original poster

How do I find them

63 replies

Ohdeerohno · 19/02/2025 11:20

I met my BF about a year ago. I had just come out of a financially abusive relationship, where we owned a property together (me 90% him 10%). It took a long while to sell as he was being very difficult about it. Naively I thought I was protected because we had a deed of trust setting out who owned what, what I hadn't anticipated was that he would have "equal" say in sales proceedings and because I was subsidising his living he clung on until a court order and the last possible moment to keep me paying for him.

Anyway, because of this I was clear from the outset with the new BF that whilst I would live with someone again, I wouldn't buy a property together outside of marriage. For starters I want that commitment, and second I want a formal exit framework should stuff go wrong. I think there are lots of ways you could live together without buying a home together - I could move into his, he to mine; we could rent out both properties and rent somewhere together...lots of options.

I'd happily marry him tomorrow, there's no issue with commitment from my side. But I wouldn't tie finances with him without commitment. Recently though he has started to make noises about borrowing some money from me. Think house deposit sort of value. Whilst I want to be supportive, I don't want to support him. And I have always made it clear because of my history I want to take a hyper cautious approach.

Am I wrong in thinking that if I have been clear that I wouldn't buy a house together, it should go without saying that that also covers loaning significant sums of cash?

What is it about me that seems to attract these men? I'm a bit disappointed in him today to be honest.

OP posts:
Eddielizzard · 19/02/2025 15:28

He needs to liquidate some assets. Your money shouldn't ever be first point of call. it is a red flag that his first thought is to ask you. My first thought (and I suspect yours too) is to work out how to fund it myself.

I would be very put off by this.

In future I wouldn't explain how you got diddled. You have your boundaries, make them clear, but you don't have to explain yourself. Explaining opens the door to negotiation. No negotiation!

vikingnorthutsiresouthutsire · 19/02/2025 15:41

Hell no. He obviously sees you as a cash machine. I'd be throwing this one back.

NeedsMustNet · 19/02/2025 19:38

Ohdeerohno · 19/02/2025 14:55

Up until now we have paid pretty much equally for everything, which is why this is such a shock and disappointing.

I thought I had set out my boundaries clearly, we both treat each other well but pay our fair share, we each own our own homes and are financially solvent.

He wants to buy his dads portion of a family owned business. The business has always done well and if he doesn't buy then the shares will be sold to his uncle.

Show quote history

So he wants your money for something he can do himself with his own money.
I’d be tempted to ask him if he wants you to buy the shares in your name, and you keep the current and future benefit! But only because I would like to see him worm his way out of his lack of concern for your own nest egg.

CuteEasterBunny · 19/02/2025 19:49

Ohdeerohno · 19/02/2025 14:55

Up until now we have paid pretty much equally for everything, which is why this is such a shock and disappointing.

I thought I had set out my boundaries clearly, we both treat each other well but pay our fair share, we each own our own homes and are financially solvent.

He wants to buy his dads portion of a family owned business. The business has always done well and if he doesn't buy then the shares will be sold to his uncle.

Show quote history

Money being tied up.. Hmm 🤔
There could be no business for all you know.

I would stop telling men and the people in your life about your financial situation. Tell him you don’t have any cash.

Sodthesystem · 19/02/2025 20:50

No decent man ever, ever worth his salt would ask to borrow money from a woman. He's a loser, get rid.

Allthesnowallthetime · 19/02/2025 20:59

"How do I find them"?

I don't know, OP, but how to lose them (him!) seems more pertinent!

Wsxx · 19/02/2025 23:08

Please OP, do not entertain this.
Honest men do not ask women for money, shysters do.

My alarm bells would be going mental.

I wouldn't entertain this for a minute and I would be appalled that he would think that the money of a person he is seeing is even an option.

Not normal behaviour.
Don't be a mug.

Rethink this.
I don't think there is any coming back from this.
My trust would be gone and i would be hightly suspicious.

I have never given a man £5.
I wouldn't dream of it.
Red flag territory.

Your assets being more liquid my arse.

I never share my financial information with anyone.
100% keep it to ourselves.

Channellingsophistication · 20/02/2025 07:16

There are lots of red flags here.

He shouldn’t be asking you for money. Why would he tie up his own money in investments and not have it somewhere more accessible? Your money should be working harder? Sounds like he thinks he should invest it for you…

All very worrying but then I was listening to a podcast about romance fraud scams last night

I would be very careful here

Keepingthingsinteresting · 20/02/2025 07:53

Ohdeerohno · 19/02/2025 14:55

Up until now we have paid pretty much equally for everything, which is why this is such a shock and disappointing.

I thought I had set out my boundaries clearly, we both treat each other well but pay our fair share, we each own our own homes and are financially solvent.

He wants to buy his dads portion of a family owned business. The business has always done well and if he doesn't buy then the shares will be sold to his uncle.

Show quote history

if the business performs well he will be able ale to get a business loan for the purchase price. If he doesn’t want to (or can’t) that should ring alarm bells in itself, does he think it will be cheaper to borrow from you- it shouldn’t be!

Buying a stake in a private business you don’t work in is risky, do it should be his risk.

Bananalanacake · 20/02/2025 09:40

Way too soon to be thinking about living together. And refuse to lend him any money, as a pp said why can't he get a bank loan, he has a job. I don't see how money can be liquid, unless you buy a bottle of Tia Maria with it

Spooky2000 · 20/02/2025 09:48

CuteEasterBunny · 19/02/2025 11:33

He will likely flake and fuck off when you tell him no. Don’t be foolish and give it to him, he will probably disappear either way.

Be very wary of false promises re getting married and living together. He could still do those things and fleece you. Take money completely out of the equation.

Edited

Exactly this.

Doggymummar · 20/02/2025 09:51

He can get a loan, like anyone else. Sounds like he has assetts

Spooky2000 · 20/02/2025 09:55

Ohdeerohno · 19/02/2025 12:19

He works, has his own money, but a lot is tied up in investments (although even typing that that sounds like what every bloody romance fraudster says 😂)

I think he just sees my money as more liquid. He also definitely thinks it could be working harder. I am very risk averse now- so its bunged in savings accounts, he's more stocks and shares.

Show quote history

He also definitely thinks it could be working harder... Mine is more liquid, his is stocks and shares..."

Jesus. Massive red flags for me. His has the alleged ability to cash some of that in somehow but wants yours and is seemingly also hinting that if you hand it over he could do more to earn interest - reading between the lines.

Get rid. He might not be the Tinder Swindler, but it sounds like he's taken some tips from him! 😳 As a PP says, keep saying no and watch what he does. What is it MNer's say on here? Most men are after a nurse with a purse??

teenmaw · 20/02/2025 10:17

This guy is reminding me of my exh. He would get an idea in his head and an execution plan, factoring in all the people and assets he needs to make it happen and then just assume that he was entitled to all of those resources without any consideration of the wishes of the person they belonged to. That could be time, money, transport, etc. It was a warning sign of much bigger narcissistic tendencies and abusive traits. Run like the wind op, this man sees you as the investment not the love of his life sadly.

KookyPeachViewer · 20/02/2025 10:18

I would advise you not to marry him because he will feel even more entitled to badger you for money.

Re "how do I find them?",I'm a huge fan of Shera Seven's teachings and to paraphrase her, You probably show off your material achievements to dates and choose men who see themselves as the prize in the relationship because they are probably objectively better looking than you. If they thought you were their dream woman they would have never asked you, they are treating you like a sugarmommy. You probably choose broke attractive men and play Barbara the Builder for them. Advice: dump him, improve your looks and go for older and uglier men who have money, chivalry and see you as their dream girl.

SnoopysHoose · 20/02/2025 10:27

but a lot is tied up in investments
I smell bullshit!
I'm sure he has a way of accessing or let me see; get a bank loan.
I'd be telling him to fuck off.

Bananalanacake · 20/02/2025 10:33

I've heard of conmen building up a woman's confidence, then after a long enough time ask for money and bugger off with it. Have you checked his name is real and googled him.

StrawberryWater · 20/02/2025 11:10

His money is tied up in investments - typical nonsense from a clown who thinks they can make it big in crypto. Bloody neckbeard.

Get rid of him.

He will ring you dry at the first available opportunity.

In future don't tell partners what you have in your bank account unless you already have serious commitment.

Lend this man money and I bet he disappears.

pinkyredrose · 20/02/2025 11:32

KookyPeachViewer · 20/02/2025 10:18

I would advise you not to marry him because he will feel even more entitled to badger you for money.

Re "how do I find them?",I'm a huge fan of Shera Seven's teachings and to paraphrase her, You probably show off your material achievements to dates and choose men who see themselves as the prize in the relationship because they are probably objectively better looking than you. If they thought you were their dream woman they would have never asked you, they are treating you like a sugarmommy. You probably choose broke attractive men and play Barbara the Builder for them. Advice: dump him, improve your looks and go for older and uglier men who have money, chivalry and see you as their dream girl.

Fucking hell, wtf.

Original poster
Ohdeerohno · 20/02/2025 13:54

KookyPeachViewer · 20/02/2025 10:18

I would advise you not to marry him because he will feel even more entitled to badger you for money.

Re "how do I find them?",I'm a huge fan of Shera Seven's teachings and to paraphrase her, You probably show off your material achievements to dates and choose men who see themselves as the prize in the relationship because they are probably objectively better looking than you. If they thought you were their dream woman they would have never asked you, they are treating you like a sugarmommy. You probably choose broke attractive men and play Barbara the Builder for them. Advice: dump him, improve your looks and go for older and uglier men who have money, chivalry and see you as their dream girl.

I bloody wish! Wouldn't mind so much if I was paying for a toy-boy! What a bizarre assumption.

OP posts:
NameChanges123 · 20/02/2025 14:02

"I think in the same way anyone else would. I would hope it came up as a desire to move the relationship forwards. "

I've never asked for money to 'move a relationship forwards'...

outerspacepotato · 20/02/2025 14:19

Sprinkle sprinkle 😄

She's an influencer whose gig is how to find a man who will provide financially and avoid the dusties, like OP's bf. The how tos about avoiding dusty men who want women to do the financial providing is actually addressing a real issue that's becoming more and more prevalent.

Look at OP's bf. He hinting about a loan from her and he also wants her money to "work harder", as in he "invests" it for her. He sounds like a straight up con man.

newkettleandtoaster · 20/02/2025 14:20

". Naively I thought I was protected because we had a deed of trust setting out who owned what, "

This should have protected you.

Are you saying that he got 50% of the sale proceeds? He should have got 10%, surely?

ComtesseDeSpair · 20/02/2025 14:24

newkettleandtoaster · 20/02/2025 14:20

". Naively I thought I was protected because we had a deed of trust setting out who owned what, "

This should have protected you.

Are you saying that he got 50% of the sale proceeds? He should have got 10%, surely?

I presume what OP means is thinking that because he only had a minority share in the property, he would have a minority role in negotiating its sale - whereas it doesn’t work like that, somebody who owns 10% share of a property has as much right to dictate the sale process as somebody who owns 50%.

Derbee · 20/02/2025 14:25

I think you need to look at yourself really. You’ve just come out of a financially abusive relationship, and within a year you are ready to marry the next man?! Who is making noises about borrowing money from you?

His behaviour might be disappointing to you, but until you make changes to yourself, you’ll keep attracting the same over and over again.

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