What is happening please?

[bitchfromhell]

Together nearly 20 years:

• many of the first occasions I went to his house his ex would call the land line. He said she was mad and stalking him, lots of talk of awful things she did in the relationship.
• caught him in the arms of local girl when I was exiting loos at local bar, he maintains this never happened. Later he did admit she’d been to his house and they kissed. He said it happened before we met.
• he borrowed my bag to go away with work, when he returned there were earrings inside.
• messages to his phone on various occasions from various women. Nothing explicitly incriminating, but still.
• he works away quite a lot, once he left his laptop open on kitchen counter with hotel booking for 2 with 2 breakfasts ordered.
• A women (just his type) was saved in vip contacts on his emails.
• he was following and liking grannies posing in hold ups on insta. All in public view. Flat out denial, said he was hacked or insta did it.
• caught him on some private messaging app (I think) sat next to each other on the sofa, kid in the room. Sadly my big mouth blurted out “what are you looking at” before I read the messages. He says I imagined it.

view’s please? Am I actually crackers?

He's a cheat and a liar.

But I think you know that.

Nope. That’s quite clear. First point is already a red flag. Second point seals it.

you know what you need to do

That's some list of devious cheating behaviour OP.
I'm surprised you are still with him.

Bloody hell, never seen it written in black and white before though.
Can’t believe I’ve seen the light after all these years.
I was so young when I met him I’d never heard of red flags.
shit The bed

You are not crackers. Of course you are not.

He is a lying, gaslighting cheat for whom lying comes as easily as breathing.

So how do I navigate the interim period please? I’m a total mess, sleeping on sofa. Kids obviously have no clue (smallish) am breezy when we’re all together.
He’s angry, with history of aggression, not frequent but if you know you know. I’m ignoring as best I can.
I have no proof and worry he’ll come after the kids? In the custody sense, not aggressive sense

You’ve written this because you already know.

Do not let yourself make excuses anymore and do what you have to do. Sometimes it takes a final straw to see what you should have seen all along but you had to be open to seeing it and ready to tackle it before your brain would let you make the connections so you’re already so strong for getting to where you are despite his gaslighting and manipulation!

You will be SO much happier I promise

You’re most vulnerable when you’re leaving so stay breezy and make a plan. Then one day, when he is out, you leave with the kids and you don’t tell him where you are

You don't need proof. You are unhappy in the relationship and that is a perfectly good reason to leave. Don't say anything to him at all about thinking of ending the relationship. Plan quietly. There are loads of threads on here and lots of people to advise you on the steps you need to take, and pitfalls to avoid.

That sounds like a movie? Is this what I actually have to do?
He wants me to pretend I imagined it and honestly that feels fucking easier.
I also miss him, it feels like homesickness, even after all of it.
The kids adore their father, the fucking bastard doing this to them.

Thank you all for not confirming the crackers theory.

God that first sentence hit deep.

So there’s no one telling me I could have this wrong? Not a glimmer of hope?

No.

What is hopeful is that you get out. Start a new life. Away from this creep.

No, there is not one glimmer of possibility that you are wrong on this. He's not only cheating and lying, he is gaslighting you so he is persuading you that you are going crazy when actually he is being a manipulative cheat.

Do you have somewhere you can go to with the children? What are your parents like? Did your mum accept really bad behaviour from your dad?

Nope. He's been cheating on you for years with multiple women. But he has managed to pull the wool over your eyes so many times that he has probably got sloppy. Hence things finally falling into place for you now.

That's my take FWIW. Would be happy to be proved wrong but suspect it will be a long wait.

Anyone who told you he wasn't cheating would be lying to you. Of course all of that isn't some kind of weird coincidence. Two breakfasts ordered? For him and his imaginary mate?!

You're sort of crackers for putting up with all of this! But I'm not blaming you - he's the (obviously) guilty one who's taken advantage of you.

women leave each other clues - earrings in bag for instance, there were possibly other signs which you missed or he binned the evidence - @CagneyNYPD1 the
hot detective is right, he has become sloppy and overconfident

good luck with whatever you decide

Thank you, the confirmation is helpful. Wish I’d have mentioned any of it to anyone else at any point over the last 20 years.
I have alot of shame I think

No, not really. Are you married? What's the housing situation? No obvious reason you should be the one to leave if you split.

Normally there'd be some sort of shared care or agreed access arrangement for the children - he can't "come for them", you both have the same responsibilities for them.

this is a form of delayed shock - there is wisdom and experience aplenty on here,
if you have time to do some research

Married, pitifully middle class, mortgage free, his family wealthy with law background. My family closer but relationships very strained. Estrangements with siblings which I’m now questioning.
can of worms frankly.
kids only important factor, need to keep them safe. I’m dramatising I know, I need to just make this easy don’t I?

If you're not in danger from him, I would hold fire until you get legal advice (on the quiet - don't tell him). Pretend you're considering if you can sort things out, even.

While the kids safety and your own are most important, if you're splitting up, ideally you don't want to give up too much financial stability and housing security.

I think I’ve got this. I’m blanking him privately and sleeping on the sofa, in front of the kids I can manage to keep things more comfortable. He’s sometimes letting me be in the evening. Sometimes he comes in the sitting room to “talk” and tells me about all my problems and how difficult he is finding my behaviour.
I can get a relate counsellor app tomorrow night after kids in bed, will need to leave and do it in the car. It all feels so dramatic.