Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is happening please?

66 replies

bitchfromhell · 18/02/2025 20:45

Together nearly 20 years:

  • many of the first occasions I went to his house his ex would call the land line. He said she was mad and stalking him, lots of talk of awful things she did in the relationship.
  • caught him in the arms of local girl when I was exiting loos at local bar, he maintains this never happened. Later he did admit she’d been to his house and they kissed. He said it happened before we met.
  • he borrowed my bag to go away with work, when he returned there were earrings inside.
  • messages to his phone on various occasions from various women. Nothing explicitly incriminating, but still.
  • he works away quite a lot, once he left his laptop open on kitchen counter with hotel booking for 2 with 2 breakfasts ordered.
  • A women (just his type) was saved in vip contacts on his emails.
  • he was following and liking grannies posing in hold ups on insta. All in public view. Flat out denial, said he was hacked or insta did it.
  • caught him on some private messaging app (I think) sat next to each other on the sofa, kid in the room. Sadly my big mouth blurted out “what are you looking at” before I read the messages. He says I imagined it.

view’s please? Am I actually crackers?

OP posts:
Original poster
bitchfromhell · 18/02/2025 22:36

If he’s not drinking I think he’ll leave me alone. The weekend is a worry. There is an empty house that I could possibly request use of. They are in France for a couple of months. They wouldn’t like it but I could ask.
has it come to this? Do I take the pets?
They will be terrified and have health problems. Should I try and ride it out on the sofa?
nb they won’t be terrified of him, he’s the best thing about me as far as they are concerned. They’d be terrified of the repercussions, affect on the children, perception of me being dramatic

OP posts:
Gettingbysomehow · 18/02/2025 22:36

Make sure you call the police if there is so much as a hint of aggression. And don't be a mug letting him back.
You honestly think he'll want to go for the kids when he's busy messing around with other women? It's not what they do. It cramps their style.
Stay firm and get rid.

Original poster
bitchfromhell · 18/02/2025 22:41

Gettingbysomehow · 18/02/2025 22:36

Make sure you call the police if there is so much as a hint of aggression. And don't be a mug letting him back.
You honestly think he'll want to go for the kids when he's busy messing around with other women? It's not what they do. It cramps their style.
Stay firm and get rid.

Last time he confiscated my phone as I’d suggested I call his mother to see if he could stay with them.
Had to run out of house to local shops who were lovely but had to come home quickly because I’d left the kids.
He’d never harm them but, well no more to be said. They’re my kids

OP posts:
Doobeedoodoo · 18/02/2025 22:46

I’m sorry but it is glaringly obvious what is going on. A few of those things would be enough but the whole list… i think there is very little room for doubt here.
What are you going to do?

Original poster
bitchfromhell · 18/02/2025 22:56

until fairly recently I wasn’t allowed to look at my phone when he was watching something I didn’t like on television. I waited for him to finish dinner/work and sat next to him and watched telly. I waited.
I can’t say he made me, but I didn’t like it but didn’t go against it for the easy life.
when my eldest was born at 3 days post partum I woke up to him bouncing him on the landing chanting “you little shit”. He needed a feed but his dad wanted me to sleep so took him away.
this has become a confessional. I think I need the black and white.

OP posts:
category12 · 18/02/2025 22:58

It sounds like coercive control.

I think instead of Relate, speak to Women's Aid or local domestic abuse services on the quiet. And a solicitor.

Original poster
bitchfromhell · 18/02/2025 23:00

Doobeedoodoo · 18/02/2025 22:46

I’m sorry but it is glaringly obvious what is going on. A few of those things would be enough but the whole list… i think there is very little room for doubt here.
What are you going to do?

I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ve had a couple of glasses of wine and just switched to tea because I can’t eat much. Slightly tipsy.
sounds like he’s gone to bed! Hurrah, think shock has hit.

OP posts:
Original poster
bitchfromhell · 18/02/2025 23:01

category12 · 18/02/2025 22:58

It sounds like coercive control.

I think instead of Relate, speak to Women's Aid or local domestic abuse services on the quiet. And a solicitor.

Connection to wa. Absolute no go. Solicitor I can do.

OP posts:
Toseland · 18/02/2025 23:08

Just wanted to say good luck Flowers you can do this x

Original poster
bitchfromhell · 18/02/2025 23:22

Thank you

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 18/02/2025 23:35

Have I read this right? He was bouncing your newborn up and down and calling him a little shit?

Jesus Christ.

I think you're suffering from boiled frog syndrome. That's not normal behaviour

Catbells123 · 18/02/2025 23:46

I was in a similar situation and speaking from experience found that it helps to concentrate on the practicalities. The first thing to do is book a first free half hour appointment with a solicitor in which they can give you a to do list.
Focus on how you can make an independent life for yourself & DC.
At this point your dh will probably be thinking that you can still work things out, which is fine and gives you time to get your head straight.
You've got this 🤗

beencaughttrollin · 18/02/2025 23:48

You don't trust him. Can you imagine trusting him? What would it take for you to trust him - I mean bedrock-deep trust, a feeling of calm and peace and security that underlies the whole relationship? IF you think that trust can be restored, would he be willing to do what it takes to restore trust? Is it worth it to you?

If not, leave.

Sodthesystem · 18/02/2025 23:49

To be fair, even if he wasn't a lying, gaslighting cheat- he's aggressive. That's worse!
Run!

Original poster
bitchfromhell · 18/02/2025 23:53

Thank you, had to Google boiled frog syndrome but it resonates. From a place of distance, like I’ve always thought life should be this hard, we’re all the same. Boiled frog feels right. Product of very troubled childhood. I clearly have no concept of normal.
I told him once it felt like he found the most vulnerable girl he could. Big age gap. I was right.
Am going to order a bed for the spare room (currently office) sleep will help.
I very much need order and routine and this chaos is very hard.

OP posts:
suburberphobe · 18/02/2025 23:57

worry he’ll come after the kids? In the custody sense, not aggressive sense

Most men will not come "after the kids". Most of them can barely take care of themselves if left on their own.

RedHelenB · 19/02/2025 04:23

CandyLeBonBon · 18/02/2025 23:35

Have I read this right? He was bouncing your newborn up and down and calling him a little shit?

Jesus Christ.

I think you're suffering from boiled frog syndrome. That's not normal behaviour

It's not the words but the tone at that age If he was comforting a crying baby so OP could sleep them that's a positive surely?

Original poster
bitchfromhell · 19/02/2025 07:30

I just did the craziest thing and I can’t stop shaking. Kids were watching his phone while he was showering and I got it. He has hidden apps. Do I ask him what they are? Or pretend I don’t know.
Thats proof isn’t it. There would be no reason to hide apps would there?

OP posts:
Original poster
bitchfromhell · 19/02/2025 07:31

do they ever confess? Feel like I’m going insane not knowing the truth

OP posts:
category12 · 19/02/2025 07:40

Gaslighting has that effect. The cognitive dissonance of trying to believe things that don't make sense is crazy-making.

I'm not sure that his infidelity is your biggest problem in the relationship though. Although I know it's often the final straw to discover hes cheating when previously the woman has thought 'maybe he's a monster but he's her monster'.

You've described some stuff about aggression and coercive control. There are other options to Women's Aid if you have connections there.

PastaBolognese · 19/02/2025 08:05

Don't confront him about anything, what's the point, yes, he has the morals of an alley cat but you also need him out of your life as he is a very toxic individual. He will only try and manipulate you in any case.

You are not obligated to explain yourself to him. He'll play on your fear, obligation and guilt (FOG), not that you have anything to feel guilty about of course. Don't let him. Don't try to justify, argue, defend or explain (JADE) your decision to leave him, it just gives the power back to him.

What a piece of work. Take care of yourself 💐

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 19/02/2025 08:34

bitchfromhell · 19/02/2025 07:31

do they ever confess? Feel like I’m going insane not knowing the truth

Not sure you need to know the truth per se. You're miserable. You don't need any other rationale to leave.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 19/02/2025 08:35

In other words stop looking for any more excuses to dump this weasel.

ThaTrìCaitAgam · 19/02/2025 08:55

RedHelenB · 19/02/2025 04:23

It's not the words but the tone at that age If he was comforting a crying baby so OP could sleep them that's a positive surely?

Show quote history

You can’t be serious.

Ariesburn · 19/02/2025 09:25

bitchfromhell · 19/02/2025 07:31

do they ever confess? Feel like I’m going insane not knowing the truth

Serial lying, narcissist cheats never admit their wrong doing. It's everyone else's fault.

Fuck this total prick off. He is a typical narcissist looked for a younger vulnerable woman to then manipulate and control later down the line. In that respect he's a predator they hunt their prey, Blokes a piece of shit. You and your kids are better off without him.