What is happening please?

[bitchfromhell]

Together nearly 20 years:

• many of the first occasions I went to his house his ex would call the land line. He said she was mad and stalking him, lots of talk of awful things she did in the relationship.
• caught him in the arms of local girl when I was exiting loos at local bar, he maintains this never happened. Later he did admit she’d been to his house and they kissed. He said it happened before we met.
• he borrowed my bag to go away with work, when he returned there were earrings inside.
• messages to his phone on various occasions from various women. Nothing explicitly incriminating, but still.
• he works away quite a lot, once he left his laptop open on kitchen counter with hotel booking for 2 with 2 breakfasts ordered.
• A women (just his type) was saved in vip contacts on his emails.
• he was following and liking grannies posing in hold ups on insta. All in public view. Flat out denial, said he was hacked or insta did it.
• caught him on some private messaging app (I think) sat next to each other on the sofa, kid in the room. Sadly my big mouth blurted out “what are you looking at” before I read the messages. He says I imagined it.

view’s please? Am I actually crackers?

Thank you everyone. I’ve told someone, it all came spilling out. I can’t keep secrets anymore, I’ve been complicit by doing so. I’ve let this happen to me by not telling anyone.
I’ve been honest about the violence as well. Told the truth about all 3 times it happened.
they said he’s gaslighting me and have given me an escape if I need it.
he says he’s never done anything wrong and he loves me but I need help. He says I’m making his life miserable by my constant suspicion and he’d leave me if it weren’t for the kids. He said he’ll help me all he can but I m ruining his life by being this way.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 ruining his life from constant suspicions when he's the one being a cheat and a liar. What does he expect you to do just ignore it all and be 'happy' and 'pretend' no mate. Guy needs a slap! What's with these men always turning it round on the victims it's sickening!

What if he’s right. He’s very convincing.
Then I think about the lies I know to be untrue, things like the instagram stuff and the messages I’ve seen.
he says he wishes he’d called me out on this paranoia years ago and got me help. He feels guilty he didn’t.
I’ve gone completely numb.
I want to ask him about the hidden apps on his phone face to face. So he can show me them if they’re innocent.

He's not right. He's a liar, a cheat and a complete narcissist. I wouldn't even ask him about that, he will deny deny deny. He wouldn't even know the truth if it punched him in the face. Your best just leaving him. You wouldn't be paranoid if he hadn't kept lying and cheating and gas lighting you!

Absolutely DO NOT ask him about the apps.

He will gaslight you again like he did every time on your OP, and know that you’re on to him.

You know he has the capacity for violence, and when a man knows he’s being left is the most dangerous time for a woman.

You cannot poke the bear.

It doesn’t matter on the slightest what the apps are. He’s dangerous and a liar and cheat, that’s all you need to know.

You have to “get your ducks in a row” without him knowing. The minute you start questioning him and trying to get him to confess, you’re in even more danger.

Get an exit plan. Don’t mention it to him.

I’m so confused. He’s so convincing. I’m going to ask him about the apps but I bet he’ll have deleted anything incriminating anyway. He’s always one step ahead. Not knowing for sure is awful.
I’ve never wished I could just catch him with someone but it might be easier than this.

DO NOT ASK.
HE WILL NOT TELL YOU THE TRUTH.

What @LividBoop said: DON’T POKE THE BEAR!

I think all newer iPhones have a hidden apps folder. It might be empty anyway.
I don’t have one on mine so I thought it meant he was hiding something but maybe not

Do you want to know something?

My friend's ex did this to her. She knew something was going on, confronted him and he denied it, saying she was crazy. To the point, she ended up on antidepressants because he'd convinced her she was crazy.

Guess what... it turned out he was. He was shagging his boss on the side.

The absolute prick made my friend think she was crazy. That's how manipulative people can be. It isn't just you.

Your mind and body know something isn't right. You're waiting for the glaring in your face truth but in reality, it's already there.

He is gaslighting you. I would recommend reading why does he do that? You can get a free pdf if you google it. You may find a description of him in there. I would also recommend googling mumsnet the cheating script. It's an eye opener.

Wishing you the best of luck.

Sorry but no.... you'll be happier in the long run for sure. 🌸

I called the hotel he stayed in last time he was away. They said one person stayed in the room.

I’m worried I’ve lost my grip on reality

She probably didn't turn up. Or took one look at him and promptly left.

You're not losing your grip on anything, you're in the midst of being gaslit, lied to and manipulated. It's important to keep listening to yourself. This is what he wants, for you to think you are wrong so you forget all about his secret apps, (and earrings in his bag, and instagram likes) and for things to go back to "normal" where he can cheat on you without you saying anything for fear of being called paranoid.

There has been violence. He is abusive in more ways than one. Please, for your children as well as yourself you need to leave him.

IF he was totally faithful, would you be happy and safe in the relationship?

I've been there, let him convince me it's all in my head. Spent time signed off & longer muddling through with anxiety. He played on this for more than a year. Turns out I was right all along (only found black & white, written out proof after I had left). You questioning yourself is exactly what he wants - don't give in to it. The apps are irrelevant, the rest is more than enough. You don't need 'proof', what you have seen is enough already.