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Original poster

His DD dislikes me

72 replies

greyeyedwonder · 18/02/2025 18:57

So, I've been with him for 3 years. Met his DC after a year. Is DS (23) is lovely, his DD (18) not so lovely. First time I met her she didn't even speak to me, fair enough, I kept on trying but nope!
I've been in the car when he's went to pick her up to give her a lift before...she saw me in the passenger seat and walked straight passed the car, when he tooted the horn to get her attention she said she didn't realise it was his car because there was someone in the passenger seat....his car is very distinctive!
When ive been at his and she's came in she has literally walked past me without even looking at me. I try and make conversation with her but it's like pulling teeth, I just get one word answers.
I don't feel comfortable bringing this up to him, she can literally do no wrong in his eyes!
He has commented on it once and just said she doesn't really have many social skills due to her age. I have two DDs myself, one younger than her and one older so don't think it's an age thing. I honestly think it's a case of she just simply dislikes me.
How do I handle this?

OP posts:
category12 · 18/02/2025 19:14

Just be consistently pleasant and civil. I don't really see what else there is to do.

It might be some form of social anxiety or indeed, she might not like you.

Don't try too hard. Don't try to force conversation - it's OK just to say "hi how are you" and smile and leave it at that.

Maybe you're irritating her by not getting the hint that she doesn't want to talk?

Singleaftermarriage · 18/02/2025 19:16

She is an adult. She doesn't have to like you. I can't stand my dad's wife and he no longer brings her to stuff thank God. You are his choice of partner. She had no choice about you. She may thaw as she gets older but in the end, you can't make someone like you.

Orangesinthebag · 18/02/2025 19:21

How did his relationship with her mother end?
Are they amicable?

She may just be jealous of you if she was particularly close to her dad growing up. She might not even recognise it as jealousy herself.

As a pp said though, she doesn't have to like you and she may never like you.

All you can do is be civil, not let it get to you (or show it if it does) & not try too hard.
She's still quite young and may change towards you as time goes by and she matures.

MayaPinion · 18/02/2025 19:28

Depends on the history. If you were the OW then her reaction is understandable. If not then she’s being an absolute madam who should know better. This is a DP problem and he needs to pull her up about her lack of civility. Nobody is expecting her to be best friends with you, but simple good manners would expect her to not be rude.

FKAT · 18/02/2025 19:33

I don't think you can do anything apart from avoiding her company as much as possible and being polite when you have to spend time together. You can't change how someone feels about you. You just have to manage your own response.

StormingNorman · 18/02/2025 19:33

It’s nothing to do with her social skills. She just doesn’t want you to exist. Either her dad needs to help her come to terms with you or you don’t visit when she’s at home.

FKAT · 18/02/2025 19:35

MayaPinion · 18/02/2025 19:28

Depends on the history. If you were the OW then her reaction is understandable. If not then she’s being an absolute madam who should know better. This is a DP problem and he needs to pull her up about her lack of civility. Nobody is expecting her to be best friends with you, but simple good manners would expect her to not be rude.

She's not being uncivil though?

suburberphobe · 18/02/2025 19:47

She is an adult.

Legally yes. Emotionally no. Takes to about 25 till the brain is fully developed.

Just continue being kind to her OP. She may come round, maybe not.

Personally, I wouldn't feel comfortable in a relationship where his kids treat me like shit.

Iwishiwasapolarbear · 18/02/2025 19:49

She sounds rude and quite immature for an 18 year old. I’m not sure what you can do about it though

Branster · 18/02/2025 19:53

She doesn't like you, she doesn't have to like you. In her mind, it would be better if you didn't exist. She probably hates you.
That's all there is to it.
Yes she is rude but it's about the only time she can get away with it.
She would behave exactly the same if another woman was in your place.
Just be polite and don't go out of your way to engage because you'd be wasting your time and energy.

Cattreesea · 18/02/2025 19:57

She is an adult OP and can choose not to want a relationship with you.

Just be civil/polite when you have to interact with her.

Beyond that accept she has no interest in connecting with you and get on with your life.

Trying to force it will just make things worse. Hopefully as she grows older things might improve/settle.

purplecorkheart · 18/02/2025 19:58

Sadly, just because you're her dad's partner, she does not have to like you. I would still be polite but equally be mindful and take small steps.

You mentioned that her dad was picking her up to drop her somewhere. Did you have to be there? Maybe take smaller steps.

Original poster
greyeyedwonder · 18/02/2025 20:13

No, I wasn't the OW, there was no OW, he just wasn't happy and left. His ex took it quite badly and didn't want him to leave but they kept it amicable.
I didn't come along till about a year later.
It's just so bloody uncomfortable when his DD is there. She often turns up unexpectedly (which is fine) when I'm there and just sits and completely ignores me.
Yeah I get she doesn't have to like me but she could be civil at least! Surely that's not too much to ask for?
There's been times when I've made my excuses and left because of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
greyeyedwonder · 18/02/2025 20:19

purplecorkheart · 18/02/2025 19:58

Sadly, just because you're her dad's partner, she does not have to like you. I would still be polite but equally be mindful and take small steps.

You mentioned that her dad was picking her up to drop her somewhere. Did you have to be there? Maybe take smaller steps.

We were on our way out when she rang him and asked for a lift. I did offer to stay at home till after he'd dropped her off but he said we'd be late if I done that and would be easier if we just dropped her off on the way.

OP posts:
FriendlyEeyore · 18/02/2025 20:28

I’d end the relationship. If he’s making excuses for her now it’s not going to get any better.

Branleuse · 18/02/2025 20:35

greyeyedwonder · 18/02/2025 20:13

No, I wasn't the OW, there was no OW, he just wasn't happy and left. His ex took it quite badly and didn't want him to leave but they kept it amicable.
I didn't come along till about a year later.
It's just so bloody uncomfortable when his DD is there. She often turns up unexpectedly (which is fine) when I'm there and just sits and completely ignores me.
Yeah I get she doesn't have to like me but she could be civil at least! Surely that's not too much to ask for?
There's been times when I've made my excuses and left because of it.

He just wasn't happy and so he left??

Sure.

Orangesinthebag · 18/02/2025 20:39

You weren't the OW but you are another woman and it will still have felt crap for her when you appeared on the scene, however and whenever it happened because it means he isn't coming back to her mum.
She has probably got into a rut of not liking you and maybe feels it's disloyal to her mum if she does.

She might also think that if you weren't there she would get more time with her dad which might be what she wants.
I'm assuming she gets one to one time with her dad when you aren't there?

I think you just have to kill her with kindness but also make it clear you aren't taking her dad away - maybe when she's round & you're there say a happy, smiley hello then say you are going into the kitchen/having a bath/going to make a phonecall upstairs/going out to the gym/ whatever because you're sure they have lots to chat about. Just little things to show you acknowledge their bond & aren't there to affect it.

It will take time, she's still a teenager but once she's older and more mature things will no doubt change.

RedWasp34 · 18/02/2025 20:40

greyeyedwonder · 18/02/2025 20:19

We were on our way out when she rang him and asked for a lift. I did offer to stay at home till after he'd dropped her off but he said we'd be late if I done that and would be easier if we just dropped her off on the way.

Show quote history

well I think she is getting away with being rude and obnoxious frankly.
She doesn’t have to like you, fair enough. But when she asks for a favour with no notice, the very least she should be expected to do is be civil
Sounds like her dad is allowing some pretty childish, rude behaviour go unchallenged to ne

Original poster
greyeyedwonder · 18/02/2025 20:44

@FriendlyEeyore I have thought of doing that and then I think of how good we are together. I do want to speak to him about it but as far as he's concerned she can do no wrong. She doesn't have to like me but is it too much to ask that she's civil to me? Or even if she knows I'm at his she doesn't visit? I'm at the stage now where if I know she's there I don't go. We spend time between both our homes. My DDs live with me and have no problem with him...just wish his DD could be the same, or even just accept the fact that I am part of his life.

OP posts:
Original poster
greyeyedwonder · 18/02/2025 20:46

@Branleuse As sure as I can be. I have no reason to disbelieve him.

OP posts:
sprigatito · 18/02/2025 20:49

greyeyedwonder · 18/02/2025 20:13

No, I wasn't the OW, there was no OW, he just wasn't happy and left. His ex took it quite badly and didn't want him to leave but they kept it amicable.
I didn't come along till about a year later.
It's just so bloody uncomfortable when his DD is there. She often turns up unexpectedly (which is fine) when I'm there and just sits and completely ignores me.
Yeah I get she doesn't have to like me but she could be civil at least! Surely that's not too much to ask for?
There's been times when I've made my excuses and left because of it.

Very unusual for a man to leave without having something else lined up, tbh. Men are generally like monkeys, they don't let go of the vine until they've got a firm grip on the next one. I would politely suggest that there is more to this story, and more behind the daughter's hostility.

OverthinkingOlive · 18/02/2025 20:51

Let her get on with it and stop trying

Original poster
greyeyedwonder · 18/02/2025 20:52

Orangesinthebag · 18/02/2025 20:39

You weren't the OW but you are another woman and it will still have felt crap for her when you appeared on the scene, however and whenever it happened because it means he isn't coming back to her mum.
She has probably got into a rut of not liking you and maybe feels it's disloyal to her mum if she does.

She might also think that if you weren't there she would get more time with her dad which might be what she wants.
I'm assuming she gets one to one time with her dad when you aren't there?

I think you just have to kill her with kindness but also make it clear you aren't taking her dad away - maybe when she's round & you're there say a happy, smiley hello then say you are going into the kitchen/having a bath/going to make a phonecall upstairs/going out to the gym/ whatever because you're sure they have lots to chat about. Just little things to show you acknowledge their bond & aren't there to affect it.

It will take time, she's still a teenager but once she's older and more mature things will no doubt change.

They get a lot of one on one time together. Every night when she's finished college they spend a couple of hours together. Weekends are the same, I work Saturdays so I'm out the way then. I don't infringe on their time together.

OP posts:
Posyrosytoasty · 18/02/2025 20:53

Hugs! I laughed out loud reading the title . Not because I am laughing at you but because I have a DSD! And I was a Step daughter to my step mum and step dad!
It has taken my step dad and me almost 8 years to hit it off and now another 15 years on he treats me like his child.
My step mum never liked me . Tolerated me and still does!
My DSD took YEARS to like me.
This 18 year old is hurting and angry and you’re taking the brunt of it. It’s not personal ! I’ve been there. My DSS what a breeze ! But DSD- couldn’t bare to even look at me. She was threatened and worried I’d take her father away, thought she would be disloyal to her mother by liking me . She was so so so confused. 18 is still so young. Don’t take it personally: this isn’t about you.
Always be polite and welcoming . If she is extremely rude then you can make it clear you won’t accept it . But if it’s just ignoring you / etc . Just ignore it all ! Give it time. It might work out . It might not . But be kind to yourself . Clearly she is the one with the problem. Not you.
She would be like this to anyone . It is a reflection on her.
It isn’t nice and it’s frustrating and of course hinders your relationship abit with your partner.
But this is a young woman hurting. Don’t let her make you compromise your character.
HUGS

Original poster
greyeyedwonder · 18/02/2025 20:58

@sprigatito It does happen, admittedly a lot of men (and women) already have someone lined up but I have absolutely no reason to disbelieve him.

OP posts:
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