His DD dislikes me

[greyeyedwonder]

So, I've been with him for 3 years. Met his DC after a year. Is DS (23) is lovely, his DD (18) not so lovely. First time I met her she didn't even speak to me, fair enough, I kept on trying but nope!
I've been in the car when he's went to pick her up to give her a lift before...she saw me in the passenger seat and walked straight passed the car, when he tooted the horn to get her attention she said she didn't realise it was his car because there was someone in the passenger seat....his car is very distinctive!
When ive been at his and she's came in she has literally walked past me without even looking at me. I try and make conversation with her but it's like pulling teeth, I just get one word answers.
I don't feel comfortable bringing this up to him, she can literally do no wrong in his eyes!
He has commented on it once and just said she doesn't really have many social skills due to her age. I have two DDs myself, one younger than her and one older so don't think it's an age thing. I honestly think it's a case of she just simply dislikes me.
How do I handle this?

The question you need to ask yourself is, what if this is as good as it gets?

Are you happy to continue a relationship long term under these circumstances?

Because its very likely that nothing will change no matter how much you want it to or think it should. In terms of the pecking order, you'll always be third.

1st His DD
2nd His needs
3rd You

You're probably wondering why he is second. Well he's happy with how his DD behaves and sees no reason to rock the boat, so he's clearly putting his own happiness ahead of any developing relationship with you.

I think you need to have a long hard think about how this relationship will actually work long term under these circumstances.

Thank you! It's good to hear from the opposite side. I'd settle for being tolerated. I think it's seeing how my two DDs are with him (they're very fond of him) and just can't help but think it would be nice if his could be at least civil to me.

Good point.

I don’t know the situation but could it be she is sad that her dad now lives with your children full time? And not her.

I know this was an issue for my dsd. She was hurt and angry her dad now lived with my children and she felt it was unfair he was paying all the bills for ‘kids who weren’t even his !’

It is great that your children get on with your partner . I think women ( she is 18 and you’re obviously a woman!) can often clash . I don’t mean your doing anything wrong but I mean your step son and you get on but I find that women often clash. I know my step daughter was very angry with me but her mother re married and her step dad was ‘amazing ‘. Yet I was awful.

I really understand this is not a great situation.

Take some comfort that she isn’t 13 and will be coming over for years and being a moody teenager !
I am sure she will grow up. See your ‘okay’ and as she matures actually become polite by the time she is 22!

If I’m honest, I met my step dad at 13 and it wasn’t until I left home and went to uni and was about 22 we started to get on. Im
37 now and I absolutely adore him ! I was an angry and hurt teenager.

We don't live together but do spend time at each others houses. I do think it's time to have a word with him about her. I'm not expecting us to be friends, just that she's civil to me.
She often turns up at dads when she knows I'm there and I do believe it's done purposely.

Or she may never come around and moves in permanently with her dad in a few years after university (which is more common nowadays).

I don't think the optimistic outlook always works out. You're just kicking the can down the road hoping things change.

It would be sad for the OP to wait around for years for things to improve, deep down knowing the DD won't change and resenting her DP for allowing her to be disrespected.

Life is too short to be on edge in your relationship.

My DH left his ex with no one lined up, I didn't know him at the time. But some men can do it if the situation is really shit.

Me too , i just could not live a life walking on eggshells.

Bit extreme to end it for this if everything else in the relationship is good?

She's 18 not 12 & will surely be spreading her wings pretty soon?

That's great that they get time alone together.
It sounds like you are doing all you can so maybe chat to your partner about it.
Or grin and bear it in the hope things change as she gets older.

Not necessarily extreme. Sometimes it's easier to see things more clearly early on in the relationship before you start trying to kid yourself things will change.

So many young adults don't fly the nest these days, they can't afford to, so this could be how it is for a good few years to come.

Not extreme for me , she is likely to always be in his life ,as it should be .
Her behaviour is going to affect so many aspects of the relationship especially if her father sees no wrong .
I am a stepmother ,things are fine in our family but it was hard at times.

I met my (lovely) step daughter when she was four. My husband had separated from her mum before she realised she was pregnant. They didn’t get back together as they weren’t good together. It took my lovely step daughter about 13 years to finally be okay with me in a chatty way. (We had two other children along the way who were her half siblings). You literally can’t force this. You can’t force peoples feelings or complain about them. You’re the grown up here. Be adult about it. Make yourself scarce if needs be. She’s probably traumatised by her parents divorce still. She’s possibly processing a million thoughts you can’t even comprehend. These things aren’t black and white. I also agree there will be loyalty to her mum.

She's deliberately being rude and not only will your partner not put his foot down about treating you politely, he's making the flimsiest excuses for her rudeness.

I think maybe she's low-key trying to run you off.

Set a boundary with your partner about how you are treated in his home. Disrespect, no.

I agree. I had this with two of my adult step children and told dh if he didn't sort it I would be treating them with the same disdain with which they treated me.

You say it was hard at times for you too but it sounds like you toughed it out & stayed & it worked out - maybe it will work out for the OP as well?

Her dad is probably well aware of her rude behaviour but he knows he’s shattered her whole world. It’s hard enough being a teenager without having to deal with all that and now you on top of it.

It’s a sorry situation.

I'd respect her boundaries and maybe just see him when she's not there but leave the door open to getting to know her if/when she's ready

but he knows he’s shattered her whole world.
did he? you're allowed to leave an unhappy marriage.
Doesn't always have to be the man to blame.

Ignoring someone is rude!

OP, I'd give serious consideration to how you see this panning out long-term. I'm in a similar situation, except we've been together over 10 years (I'm not the OW and DP had been separated for a few years before I met him). I didn't meet his kids until we had been together for a couple of years. I get on really well with his younger DD (17) but the elder DD (26) is still hostile to me, even after all these years. We now live together (she is with us full-time) and honestly, it's incredibly stressful and I regularly wish I hadn't sold my own house. It's horrendous to be living with that hostility all the time and it's really taking a toll on my mental health. It's also an ongoing cause of arguments between DP and I, because she can do no wrong in his eyes. I'm 100% certain that if we ever split, her behaviour will be responsible.

I'd stop trying and I'd stop being present at things where she is there.

I'd also strongly consider ending it and leaving the pair of them to it.

Yes, but him deciding he wasn't happy and leaving made his daughter unhappy. He swapped his unhappiness for hers and then, a year later, he's having a lovely old time again with the OP, meanwhile it sounds like she's still unhappy four years on.

Of course you're allowed to leave a relationship, but you do have to live with the consequences of that choice, and in this case it appears that the consequences are a daughter who is still really angry and unwilling to play nice with the OP just because her dad is in a relationship with her.

And, in her shoes, I can kind of see why she feels aggrieved since it appears that she is still miserable while he's moved on and is not only happy, but expects her to spend time with his girlfriend who is a human reminder that he prioritised his happiness over hers.

That might have been the right thing to do in the long run, and it's possible that his daughter will change her views over time but I suspect his guilt is what's fuelling his lack of motivation to address it with her, and I'm not sure what could possibly be gained by forcing the issue.

What is he going to threaten her with if she isn't nice? What are the consequences going to be for her if she chooses not to be civil?

@DysmalRadius
That's some stretch to blame the man. Has someone to stay miserable to appease their kids?
Sadly millions divorce and we have to live with it.

I had a similar situation and have just given up - after 24 years.

I always believed that my SD would take a more mature view as she grew up, went through uni, found her own relationship, got married, became a mother herself, but nothing has made any difference.

I've finally had enough of the rudeness, being blatantly ignored, gaslighted and occasionally patronised and have now stepped back to let her Disney Dad handle her himself.

I also wasn't the OW. Her DM, who's always been fine with me, threw DH out ten years before I met him and SD has no memories of her DPs together.

Had I known it was going to be like this, I would not have married him. Ultimately, SD is the only thing we fight about. Think on OP.