His DD dislikes me

[greyeyedwonder]

So, I've been with him for 3 years. Met his DC after a year. Is DS (23) is lovely, his DD (18) not so lovely. First time I met her she didn't even speak to me, fair enough, I kept on trying but nope!
I've been in the car when he's went to pick her up to give her a lift before...she saw me in the passenger seat and walked straight passed the car, when he tooted the horn to get her attention she said she didn't realise it was his car because there was someone in the passenger seat....his car is very distinctive!
When ive been at his and she's came in she has literally walked past me without even looking at me. I try and make conversation with her but it's like pulling teeth, I just get one word answers.
I don't feel comfortable bringing this up to him, she can literally do no wrong in his eyes!
He has commented on it once and just said she doesn't really have many social skills due to her age. I have two DDs myself, one younger than her and one older so don't think it's an age thing. I honestly think it's a case of she just simply dislikes me.
How do I handle this?

OP this relationship won't work. It just won't. If she wasn't fond on having a friendship with you but tolerated you and acted with minimal politeness in your presence then maybe there was a chance.
From what you're describing it will only get worse. She will always be in his life and it will cause so many issues and cracks in your relationship with him. It's not worth the heartache.
Personally I would end a relationship.

In what way is it a stretch? The OP said that he wasn't happy so he left.

Fair enough and I don't deny that people do do it all the time but it has repurcussions that are out of the parents' control and the OP is describing the results.

Oh, I would hate this. Bear in mind that you will get more irritated with it as time goes on. I would also find it very unattractive that he doesn't see it and thinks she's marvellous. Yeah, so marvellous that she makes her dad's partner feel bad, which jeopardises his happiness.

My sister hated my dad's partner with the heat of a thousand suns, even though she had nothing whatsoever to do with our parents not being together anymore. It never got better, and many years later when he died, that hatred was still burning just as bright. I wouldn't have been in the gf's shoes for anything. I know it hurt her a lot and she still thinks about it. Proceed with caution, is my advice.

Life's too short to have a black cloud like that over your personal life, imo. If I dated anyone whose adult kid was like this, I would be offended and would probably go elsewhere. I've put up with a lot of shit in my life and I tend to scram at the first whiff of it now. I married into a family that weren't hugely nice, and it took its toll. I'd advise anyone now to make sure that their family are nice before really getting into the relationship. People say you don't marry the family (I know you're not married) but their family is a massive part of your lives.

You can't change the way the 18 year old SD feels.
She doesn't have to like you.
SD should have to be polite and well mannered.

I would ask your DP to insist that his daughter treats you like she would any other of his mates, work colleagues etc - insist hat he spells out exactly that she is to see you, say hello and goodbye and to respond to polite, basic conversation.

I would keep being respectful and not encroach on her privacy. Give her no reason to take offence at you - all the while, accessing her father and getting on with your relationship.

From18 - 22 is when lots of social growing up happens.

I already commented but reading your updates I am also thinking that if you don't live with your partner and he cheated with someone while married (I doubt very much that no other woman was involved in his marriage breakdown) then had relationships with other woman after leaving her mother before meeting you, I sort of understand why she is behaving in this way.

To her you simply seem to be like yet another woman that her father is bringing in her life and you might not last the distance, so why bother to get to know you...

I think OP I would ask myself if this is really a relationship you want to be in, not just because of the daughter but also because of this man's might have embellished what happened before and after his marriage ended.

No but to be overtly rude is not acceptable

@FKAT

She's not being uncivil though?
We have different ideas on what constitutes civil.

Blanking someone repeatedly is just plain rude.

@sprigatito

Very unusual for a man to leave without having something else lined up, tbh. Men are generally like monkeys, they don't let go of the vine until they've got a firm grip on the next one. I would politely suggest that there is more to this story, and more behind the daughter's hostility.

There is another thread on MN about how people can't see beyond their own experience

MANY MANY men and women leave bad relationships without there being someone else in the wings.

And none of this has anything to do with OP anyway

I would seriously consider the future of this relationship OP.
You have tried with this girl for two years now and she still is rude, your DP is fine with you being disrespected in his home.
You also need to consider the message you are sending to your two DD, about what they should tolerate in relationships. Would you be happy if either of your girls were in a relationship with someone that allowed them to be treated like this? Would you tell them to hang on it might get better in a few years? Hope is not an effective strategy really.

What? Where did the OP say her partner cheated on his wife & had lots of other relationships before her?

Let's not make stuff up here and let's not assume the daughter is behaving the way she is due to her father's infidelity.

@greyeyedwonder you would be better posting this on the step parenting forum as you will get very different answers + responses from SM’s who have been in the same position.

I have 2 DSC (boy 16, girl 19). My now DH left his EW as he wasn’t happy (and no I wasn’t the OW and no - he didn’t leave her for someone else). Despite what a few people think on this thread, people can leave relationships because they aren’t happy or don’t have someone else lined up.

His EW told him that if he left her he wouldn’t see the kids again. She tried to see this through but he took her to court for contact and spent years taking her back due to her breaching the order / stopping contact. She used the kids as weapons to punish him.

13 years later she’s still vitriolic and has spent the last 13 years alienating the kids and dropping poison in their ears about their dad and anyone associated with him. The police, CAFCASS & SS have all been involved over the years (as there were alienating behaviours).

The younger boy has been less affected (we think due to some counselling he had ordered through SS). We have a good relationship.

The older girl (who can see no wrong in her mum and who refused to have the counselling) has been very different. I’m only referred to by her mum or the SD as ‘she / her’. For years I was ignored, given monosyllabic answers, she was rude to me and not looked at. Every time my now DH addressed it she told him ‘I don’t know’ or ‘nothings wrong’. We have / had absolutely no relationship (I’ve known her for 10 years).

It really started to affect my MH - being ignored in your own home, being spoken to so rudely and someone being so unpleasant to you eventually wears you down.

For my own sanity I started to adopt the NACHO SP method (look it up). Not your kid, not your problem, disassociate yourself.

His SD is now 19 & has completely cut her dad (me, her paternal grandparents and anyone associated with her dad) out of her life. I had hoped that once she was at university, matured and got out of her mothers claws that it would change, but it hasn’t.

TBH - the relief on my part is immense. I really tried to have a relationship with her but she wasn’t interested. It’s very sad (and yes, I am sad) but it was so stressful putting up with her horrible behaviour. The girl has a loyalty bind to her mum and I can’t see it ever changing.

In your case - your OH needs to be addressing the rude, poor behaviour (just because she’s from a broken home it doesn’t give you a pass to treat another human being like shit).

I would also look up the NACHO method of SP - it could save your sanity.

Good luck 🤞

There was no other woman involved! Relationships break down without other people being involved. As for him having other women, I am the first. He moved out of the family home and spent just over a year on his own. And yes I do know that for a fact 🙄

Little update, I have spoke to him today about how her behavior is making me feel. Told him it's fine if she doesn't like me but I'd appreciate it if she could be at least civil to me. He agrees I'm not asking for too much and that her behavior is out of order. He's been out for food with her tonight and has spoken to her about it. I'll just have to wait and see how it pans out 🤷‍♀️
As for all these comments saying he left for another woman...he didn't!!! Relationships break down for many reasons, it doesn't always involve someone else! Also, he hasn't had other women in his life since leaving, I am the first, so no, I'm not just one of many!

I wish you well OP but I can't help but think you are being a bit naive.

I doubt very much that a newly single man spent a year without dating anyone. There is also no way you can know that for a 'fact', beyond what he is telling you.

People are also just sharing with you that in their experience many men only leave marriages until they have someone else lined-up/are cheating.

Your partner might be the exception of course and I hope things will turn out OK.

But don't blame people for being a bit cynical and alerting you to that possibility (that he was not that honest & that the daughter does not want to have anything to do with what could be another temporary woman).

I'm pleased he's had a chat with her op, and I really hope things start to change.

Please ignore the posts telling you that he had affairs and must be the bad guy. For some reason (without evidence) some people are adamant that men never leave relationships without having one to go to. It simply isn't true. We read on it so often 'if you're unhappy, just leave, don't be unfaithful'. And then when a man does just that, we're told he must be lying as men aren't capable of being without a woman.

Whilst it's possible that your OH had an affair, you know him and his history better than any of us, and you have no reason to believe he did. To be honest, even if he did, it's no reason for his DD to hold it against you.

@Cattreesea It does happen you know, even men can and do take time heal before they even think of dating! Very unfair to tar them all with the same brush don't you think.

@greyeyedwonder

It's great that he said all the right things. Be careful he's not just placating you. Very common with men who operate as Disney Dads.

Behaviour is the best indicator of change, not words.

What are your deal breakers in this relationship?

Disney Dad 😂 He's far from that.
All I can ask is that he speaks to his DD. He agrees she's out of order and behaving like a brat (his words). All I can do is see how it pans out.
We do have a really good relationship so yeah I'm hoping things improve. I'll settle for her being civil to me.

No offence @greyeyedwonder but if he speaks about his DD like that to you, it makes you wonder what he's saying to her 🤔 Not uncommon for some men to play two women off against each other to maintain their role as the good guy.

He's the one who has actually failed as a parent here with not picking up her behaviour. Instead you had to say something before he would do anything about it.

But clearly you think he'll just switch into being a good parent now you've had a chat so you've clearly got nothing to worry about.

Never realised there were so many men haters on here 😂
A bloke leaves his unhappy relationship, no OW involved, spends her a year on his own, is still a constant in his grown up kids lives, meets someone new but his DD is being a bit difficult, he speaks to DD about it, reassures his partner he has her back whilst also being there for DD and is just a genuine decent bloke...but some on here have him as a complete player, having a OW, a string of women once he left, a Disney date who's playing his DD and his partner off each other and me a gullible naive fool for being with him 😂 It really is laughable but also quite sad how cynical some of you are.
First and last time I ask for advice on here!
To those of you who have shared your experience with me and offered genuine advice, thank you and it is appreciated x

You can be as patronising and flippant as you like but some of us have lived the life you are embarking on and have endeavoured to point out the clear red flags waving in your face. In return you have been condescending and dismissive, and so I wonder why you turned to an online forum if you're so sure of yourself.

I have been a step mum for over 20 years and have two adult DSDs. I am a second wife and we have two children together. I have navigated every twist and turn of a blended family and it is a highly complex challenge.

My DH would never have allowed his daughters to behave as your BFs daughter has, he would have pulled them up there and then. DH has always been crystal clear on what is acceptable behaviour without having to be reminded by me. He wouldn't have waited for me to say something. If he hadn't I honestly wouldn't have gone any further because honestly it wouldn't have worked. If you have to coach him then he either doesn't really see a problem or is not willing to take action until you make it something he has to deal with. Either way, not good that there's no basic instinct in him to instil manners, hence the Disney dad moniker.

But I'm sure I'm wasting my time, so good luck to you.

I have certainly not been patronising, dismissive, flippant nor condescending or anything else you want to throw my way.
Enjoy the rest of your evening.