Top ten relationship tips - what would you add?

[2JFDIYOLO]

Do not get involved with a man who tells you he is ‘separated / divorcing / still living with wife for the sake of the children but we’re really more like brother and sister / yes we’re still sharing a bed but we don't have sex.’ Make an effort to contact the wife … because this may all come as a ‘surprise’ to her.

Do not be surprised or aggrieved when the man who left his wife for you has an affair and dumps you. Don't insult the bit on the side - she's you.

Do not give up your job, income, savings, pension, home etc to become a SAHM to a man and his own children in his home - aka unpaid nanny, cook, chauffeur, cleaner, housekeeper, especially if he will not marry you. You will have zero rights.

If something looks, feels, smells, seems, sounds off - it is. Trust your instincts, and start investigating.

Do not ‘accidentally’ get pregnant in the hope that will trigger a reluctant man to marry you.

Do not move in with / marry / get pregnant with a man you barely know. Give it time for the best behaviour to wear off and the real personality to start showing.

Observe how he behaves towards his mum (and how she behaves to him), sister, young women, children, animals, waiters, other drivers etc. This is a forecast of how he will behave towards you and any children.

Do not introduce your new man into your household where you have young children. Statistically this is a big risk. No, I know NAMALT, but sadly SMALT.

Be wary of a man who does not live with his dependant children He either walked out on them all, or she got them away from him. Either is a red flag, and you will not be free of her for years.

Learn to drive, especially if you're a SAHM. Independence, self reliance and confidence.

Many will say - 'I did this and it was FINE.'

But many will say - 'I absolutely agree. Because I did this.'

Only pursue relationships which actively improve your already brilliant life. Half the MN threads I read about crap relationships seem to detail how there’s always been one issue or another, or drama over an ex, or ups and downs, or arguments. Drama and arguing and rollercoasters and breaking up and getting back together aren’t an indicator that you’re star-crossed lovers passionately fighting against the odds: they’re signs that you’re incompatible and need to break up. Frankly, the relationships shouldn’t have made it past the first few months, let alone into further misery pushed in through shared finances, children, and intertwined everything.

The grass probably isn't greener is my take home from reading mumsnet! If your LTR is fundamentally good but with some issues then invest in it and each other.

Teach your OH the 'yes dear' trick. Anything that annoys you and would end in a petty argument, just say 'yes dear' 😂

Totally agree about not getting involved with a man if he is separating/divorcing. Be very careful if online dating that “single” really is what it sounds like.
I would add - if your man has a past/other children, make sure you both know what you want. There are many men out there who are looking for a mistress/housekeeper and not a wife. Above all, discuss expectations about children - it’s a bit late once you are married to discover that he never wanted them / wants six when you are a career woman who never wanted them.
Be careful also if one of you has children and the other one doesn’t - you only have to read these pages to learn of the problems of one person thinking they have done children when the other person wants them, or having children and accusing the partner of favouritism, or problems with DGP who treat the DGC differently.

Redux:
He got the nanny pregnant / gave me an STD / doesn’t stick up for me in any way / ignores me and my dreams and aspirations / is horrible to the children and we all walk on egg shells when he’s at home

but OTHERWISE

he’s a great husband and dad and I still really fancy him ..

Honestly though, this is not relationship advice 😆
This is: how to avoid potentially disastrous relationships-advice.

Are we also doing advice on when the actual relationship has formed and you want to make it a happy, healthy one?

Be wary of anyone who says they want to change, or who you think you can change, or who you think will change when they are committed to you. They won’t.

Don’t expect someone to “realise” that your way of doing things is the “right” way.

If a man says he's not good enough for you, he's absolutely right.

I think the ‘how he treats his mum’ thing is tricky. Having been around men who treat their mums like the Queen but think all other females are like dirt under their shoes.
For a bit of added humour….

1. every man I have ever met says ‘I’m a maverick, I’m different to other men.’ Er, no you are pretty much the same as the last maverick.
2. never entertain a man who says ‘I will tell you the truth when other men won’t, at least I’m honest.’ It then usually leads you to comments about wanting to sleep with your sister and how it’s natural.
3. bin any man who says ‘I don’t get why it’s such a big deal about a man sleeping with a 14/15 year old girl. In other cultures they are women.’ Not in mine, pal.
4. avert your ears and get your bag when a man comments on something about your appearance. Don’t like your lipstick shade? Off you pop.
5. understand that when men admire famous women they actually believe they would have a chance if they met her in real life. They really think that Amanda Holden would instantly find Barry the overweight bin man attractive and would jump him in his hi vis jacket. No question.

Don't compromise on boundaries. This is different to compromising in disagreements.

If he talks shit about his exes, that's how he'll talk about you.

He's not checking up on you, it's because he loves you he just wants you for himself = run away fast before you're isolated and scared of him.

Healthy bits - admit that you're wrong sometimes and apologise for it.

If there is something bothering you, don't say that you're fine but be cool with them, use your words and discuss it like an adult.

Do little things to show you care - make his/her packed lunch one morning, buy a little something just because you know they'll love it.

More thoughts ...

Older men may seem sexy and exciting in your twenties. Mature, experienced, solvent, skilled ... Fast forward to your active sixties and you'll be nursing an old man. Be honest with yourself - can you do that?

Deal with behaviour early. Unacceptable ways of speaking to and treating you; sulking, silent treatment, withdrawing, shouting, and of course aggression, etc. Habit can be hard to break, and if you see no improvement soon - there won't be any. He's showing you who he is. And always will be. Decide.

Beware the man looking for a place to Iive. Especially if you've got one. That can be a very very attractive incentive to playing the perfect boyfriend.

Hobbies and interests can become a bulldozer. Cycling, golf, Morris dancing, Viking re-enactment, cross-dressing, ferrets .... Whatever he's into may turn into your whole life. Is this what you want?

Minimalists and hoarders, zen space creators and mess generators - this can work, but can be hard work. Keeping separate homes may be the best solution for the sanity of both.

Controlling behaviour can be disguised as loving care. Because I love you. Because I want to protect you. Because I want us to be together. Why do you need to go out with your colleagues? With your friends? With your mum and your sister? Aren't I enough for you? Don't you love me?

Demanding 50/50 with the children, especially if he's never been much of an involved dad, is rarely because he wants to be an equally active presence in their lives. It's usually done 1) to frighten, intimidate and control you with your greatest fear - losing the children, and 2) to get out of paying maintenance. If there's another woman in the mix she's not going to want them in the way especially if she wants her own kids. And whatever, he's not going to want the reality of parenting 50/50 cramping his style. Appear reasonable and agreeable and provide a microscopically detailed breakdown of every little thing it takes to parent his children. And what it costs, if he is kicking against paying maintenance.

Do not sulk, pout, strop off, give the silent guess what's wrong treatment. Use your words. Both of you. And teach your kids to.

Money:

Have your own. Respect to SAHMs, but a part time job will bring more in, give you some savings, a pension.

Understand that if you're married, whatever he may tell you, you jointly own everything. Both of you. The house, savings, both pensions, the stuff.

Do not lend your boyfriend money. My mother and I both did that 🤦‍♀️

Look at whether he has any close male friends that he has stayed in touch with a long time and has a meaningful relationship with. Does he any real friends or are they just acquaintances/work colleagues?

Check out how he behaves around his family and around yours - is he chatty & welcoming to your parents/siblings etc? Does he show an interest in them or is he aloof and can't be bothered - rather be on the computer/his phone?

Do your closest and oldest friends who know you best like him and get on with him? Does he make an effort with them?

Above are some of the red flags that, looking back at my failed marriage, I ignored. I just thought it was "how he was" and made excuses for him especially with my friends & family who weren't sure he was right for me. Turns out they were right and no he wasn't.

How does he treat you when you're ill, down, worried, pregnant? Does he show that he cares or does he let you pretty much just get on with things?

Or does he say "what about me? I'm tired/sick/fed up/whatever too you know?"

Any man who feels the need to bang on about what a nice guy he is almost certainly isn’t

Never take each other for granted; show appreciation often. Yes, even for the prosaic little day to day things. Partially because it’s nice and partially because your partner probably does a hundred tiny things a week that you don't see and may not even notice. You’d thank a friend for helping with some DIY, or a colleague for bringing you a cup of coffee; so thank your partner if they do those things, too. It’s far too common that we treat the person who’s meant to be most important to us with the least basic respect and consideration.

There is no reason to keep score. You are both on the same team. If one (or both) of you starts keeping score with things it is time to evaluate the state of the relationship and why this is occurring.

A partner is the cherry on top of a cake. The cake is your responsibility. Translation: A good partner can make you happier in life but can never make you happy. It is your own responsibility to build yourself a happy and fulfilling life.

Communication

The amount of times I've seen someone have a moan about their dp on mn or in real life , and it turns out they haven't spoken their beloved other about their grievance. No one is a mind reader.

Once a cheat, (just about) always a cheat. You are not the exception.

If your potential MIL is unpleasant to you, walk away, no matter how lovely the man is. Obviously, you may not necessarily be best mates with everyone in his family, but steer clear if your ILs are antagonistic. It will just be difficult your whole relationship (until they die).

Words are cheap…anyone can say anything

Behaviour is the most important indicator

Believe what they DO not what they SAY

A loving partnership is one where both people in it cherish the other one, and lift them up. That can sometimes mean calling someone out when they are being unreasonable, but it should happen from a place of positivity for both

If you meet a millionaire online and then he comes up with lots of excuses not to meet you or stands you up DO NOT start sending him money to help him get a visa or whatever it is!!

I've listened to too many podcasts! 😆 🤣

Definitely communication and communication both ways.

Avoid a partner who seems unable or unwilling to communicate their feelings. Or a partner who doesn't really listen to you.

Watch out for men who are Knights In Shining Armour especially toward female 'friends'.
They love the validation and attention, and of course being the good guy. Then the damsels in distress want their rescuer for themselves.

Look at what he does, over what he says or any excuses. if he shouts at you, but tells you he loves you, says he is sorry, and you think it's because he has issues from his childhood, the only one of these that matters is the first one. The action. He shouts at you. The rest are obfuscation, possible manipulation, or irrelevant/not your problem.

Look at how hard something really is to do, before you judge if someone is really good to you. Buy you flowers? Says he loves you? Very pleasant to receive but zero points in terms of how hard they are to do, therefore it proves little value as a partner. Stays calm and pleasant with you, even when you know he hasn't slept/ is incredibly frustrated about something? Hard to do - significant points. Is charming company when you are out for a nice dinner? That's nice to do, but Easy to do. So zero points. Moves heaven and earth to earn enough to fully contribute, and takes over 90% of household tasks if he's on a gap in employment? Hard to do- significant points. Takes you for an all expenses holiday? If he's rich, easy to do, zero points. Don't get me wrong - these things can be appreciated. They can be lovely to experience. But they tell you next to nothing about whether he is a good man or partner.

Notice how free you feel to say whatever is in your heart or mind. This, for me, is perhaps one of the most direct correlations with quality of partner you have. If you feel free, it suggests your partner consistently respects and validates your feelings and responds in a caring way. If you do not feel free/ find yourself editing, that suggests you are fearful - at very least of being dismissed or worse- derided, provoking storms, reprisals, drama, interrogation, paranoid misinterpretation etc.....

Don't let a man move in too quickly, by this I mean in the first 2 years.