Top ten relationship tips - what would you add?

[2JFDIYOLO]

Do not get involved with a man who tells you he is ‘separated / divorcing / still living with wife for the sake of the children but we’re really more like brother and sister / yes we’re still sharing a bed but we don't have sex.’ Make an effort to contact the wife … because this may all come as a ‘surprise’ to her.

Do not be surprised or aggrieved when the man who left his wife for you has an affair and dumps you. Don't insult the bit on the side - she's you.

Do not give up your job, income, savings, pension, home etc to become a SAHM to a man and his own children in his home - aka unpaid nanny, cook, chauffeur, cleaner, housekeeper, especially if he will not marry you. You will have zero rights.

If something looks, feels, smells, seems, sounds off - it is. Trust your instincts, and start investigating.

Do not ‘accidentally’ get pregnant in the hope that will trigger a reluctant man to marry you.

Do not move in with / marry / get pregnant with a man you barely know. Give it time for the best behaviour to wear off and the real personality to start showing.

Observe how he behaves towards his mum (and how she behaves to him), sister, young women, children, animals, waiters, other drivers etc. This is a forecast of how he will behave towards you and any children.

Do not introduce your new man into your household where you have young children. Statistically this is a big risk. No, I know NAMALT, but sadly SMALT.

Be wary of a man who does not live with his dependant children He either walked out on them all, or she got them away from him. Either is a red flag, and you will not be free of her for years.

Learn to drive, especially if you're a SAHM. Independence, self reliance and confidence.

Many will say - 'I did this and it was FINE.'

But many will say - 'I absolutely agree. Because I did this.'

Yep I had one of those. Helped out a female friend who was in an abusive relationship and she clung to him like a limpet.

I get why she was so grateful to him but she wouldn’t leave us alone. Wanted to tag along as third wheel all the time and he never told her no.

Stay single and sleep with who ever you want with out guilt and not give a fuck what people think.
Men kids and pets just tie you down unless its what you really want but its a no from me.

Don't fall into the pattern of "serving" a man. Dont become the planner and the support/admin person in your relationship. You are not his personal chef, decorator, housekeeper, or social secretary. He of course would love it but it's a slippery slope.

This is such a simple yet brilliant advice. Wish young women were less desparate to be in a relationship and actually took time to choose the right partner.

My only tip is:

Just don't bother!

Pretty sad but after too many heartbreaks that's honestly how I feel these days.

Very good, OP - reading that "headline", I didn't expect it to be you, I expected someone asking for advice.
Many things have been covered, I would say, don't get involved with a man with dependant children.
Don't get involved with someone unemployed or someone keen to move in with you.
But, something clicked when I was 42, and although long time married, I will actively avoid ANY relationship, when the time comes.
(Husband significantly older).
Edit -
yes, I could probably cope with "nursing" my husband, but there is no need atm, he's 75.
Also, he would not want me to do this, he would pay for his care.
Only get married if it makes your good life better.
❤️

Oh yeah, you're not going to be the one to "fix" him. He's more broken than you think and has decided not to do it for himself. He likes how he is.

If he lies in anecdotes to friends to make you sound amazingly funny, he can lie about you after he's left for the OW to make you sound horrible and completely crazy.

When they no longer control you, they will try to control how others perceive you.

There's some really good ones here like communication and don't let them move in to fast. The drama one too.

I would add watch how he treats service workers. If he treats them meanly or rudely, he's not a nice guy.

Does he take care of his personal and professional responsibilities? Pay his bills on time? Does he keep his place fairly tidy? Does he do all the work of adulting without making a big deal out of it?

I’m knee deep in marital problems and I even find this thread ridiculously negative 😅😅😅

Don't ever believe or assume the woman before you was cold/terrible in bed/stupid/didn't listen to him or whatever else he may have said. Likelihood is she was similar to you in many ways and if he is already talking about her negatively he quite probably hasn't reflected on his role in the breakup and hasn't changed.

Adding to the last - don't accept sulking (stonewalling). Men get into habits of doing this every Christmas, birthday, special event and it gradually seeps into every weekend, every day trip out and then every single time things don't go their way. You do not want kids with anyone who acts like a toddler and can't communicate.

Anyone that gives you the silent treatment should be immediately dumped.

Do not make anyone your world. It's an unnecessary burden for you both. Nurture other relationships.

Don't.

That's it. That's the tip.

Don't think you can 'cure' a man of his mental health problems / addictions.

You can't and it will end up dragging you down...

Women are not rehabilitation centres for badly raised or inadequate men

Set standards before you even start dating. Expect a man to be kind, considerate, respectful, intelligent, interested in you, with good hygiene and some drive to achieve what he wants from life. Any man who isn't doesn't get a date.

Don't make a relationship the most important thing in your life, ever. It can be as important as other things but ensure your career and financial stability, your health and wellbeing are equally important, and that good friends, close family and your passions in life continue to thrive. If any man objects to this, move him on.

Don't date men who have abandoned wives and young children. They are beneath contempt and emotionally incompetent.

Judge him by his actions not his words. Don't marry or have children with a man who pays lip service to equal rights but doesn't 'see' the dirt in a house, or wash up after he's used every pan in the house, or expects praise for simply doing his share.

Appreciate and value steady, reliable men. Kind, loyal men. Find these qualities sexy. If you think such men are boring, grow up and make your own excitement. Have real adventures not relationship dramas.

Don't do everything and then complain. It's up to him to remember his mum's birthday, to iron his shirts, to discover the address of the family he agreed your DC could have a play date with.

Have fun together. Look for someone who shares your humour, your moral values and some of your interests or your attitude to life.

This.

Don't be afraid to be a 'taker' in a relationship and not just a 'giver'. Too many women subjugate themselves to a man for the sake of being in a relationship.

I'm not saying that any of these reasons are wrong. But to be honest anybody approaching a relationship with the level of Fear and distrust shown on this thread is probably better off stay in single for the rest of their lives anyway.

Be able to.laugh with each other and to z certain extent at each other in a playful way. Humour is attractive. Be able to articulate what you like/ want sexually. Communication in a relationship is so important. Actively make an effort not to repeat mistakes from one relationship to another.

Not really. It's having standards, rather than being overly fearful. Most of what's been listed should be the bare minimum in relationship, in all honesty. I think some women are so desensitised to dreadful behaviour from men that they think relationship advice like that on this thread is somehow having high expectations. That's why we see threads daily that ask "is this abusive?" regarding the most appalling behaviour from men.

If you're with the kind of partner that keeps a points score - run!

It's not about fear and distrust at all it's about knowing what the early red flags to look out for are and about having clear boundaries & standards from the outset.

Too often on here you read stories of people in difficult relationship situations but when you read their stories the signs were often there from the start but were missed.

Don't listen to Mumsnetters.😂