Sexless Marriage!!! When is it enough?

[Scoobydoo1]

Sexless marriage. When we first me like many we had sex often and then with the kids this filtered to once a month. For some time it then extended more like 2/3 times a year. Now we haven’t had sex for over a year and every time we plan something, like go away (without kids) or date night he is eager tells me everything he is going to do etc etc and then boom. My neck hurts, my knee hurts or something else and won’t happen. I’m sick of being rejected! I feel hurt constantly by this and yes I have told him My feelings. We never used to argue (I mean never if you believe it) now that’s all we seem to do is bicker. I believe it’s due tot the lack of intimacy. I don’t think the bickering stops the sex, that’s what people use as an excuse again.

I suppose enough is enough is when.it isn't working for one of you. Is it possible that when opportunity might arise the pressure to.perform is the issue. Can't you take sex off the table, have a bath or shower together and a snuggle up in bed. This is a way to enjoy quality time together but removing the pressure or expectation of sex. I've had 2 long distance relationships where we only saw each other at weekends. The expecting of sex every weekend did not always happen. It's hard if u feel.like you are bring rejected I know

That wouldn’t work for me @Scoobydoo1

It depends on how good the rest of the relationship is, whether it's worth it. Sometimes we can't have it all.

Can’t have it all? I really don’t think asking for intimacy when we had it a lot and then went to nothing is “having it all”. I didn’t sign up for a sexless marriage. I love my husband a lot but in the early days when we at it “like rabbits” if I was too tired (due to working opposite shifts and children) and didn’t participate every night then he would get very very upset. We are now talking over a year. I have tried intimacy, bubble baths, watching a movie cuddles (he falls asleep lol). I am a full time carer for my disabled son. We also have a young child with SEN needs who is only part time in school. Gave up my career (would do it again), he works one week on one week off shifts. There is still plenty of time for us as our elder daughters can look after their siblings. I’m the one doing all the crazy hard work and all I would like is some sort of affection. I’m human. I don’t feel like I should compromise any longer.

its not really a marriage with no sex, unless both parties are happy with that.

It’s not really a compromise, is it? You sound like you could do with some joy in your life, so I would definitely think about ending the relationship, and finding some! Life is too short

I'd be so irritated at him bigging himself up that I'd get a side piece

I'm guessing you've spoke about it ? What does he say the issue is from his side? Would he be open to therapy? First individually and then as a couple.

Yeah I bring it up. Especially when I get promised and teased all day and then nothing. Somehow he always tries to turn it on me like “do you love me anymore?” Clearly knows I do. I took him for a valentines date away. Organised with his boss to have time off, got childcare, booked hotel overlooking tower bridge and lovely restaurant with music. He was on a buzz. Then again an excuse. He has a sore neck! We could do other things??? But no. He just got angry I don’t no whether it was with himself but it ended with me also getting angry as I was so hacked off. I’ve gone straight out today and brought up half of “love honey” I’m done with feeling neglected. If the tables were turned there is no way he would deal with it. His ex wife wouldn’t “put out” and he went elsewhere.

It sounds more like living with a roommate/friend. Only you know if you've had enough. You didn't sign up for this. Could he have a medical issue and is embarrassed about it. I'd give him one month to seek medical help then put in for a divorce.

I would wonder whether he’s cheating. He’s actively avoiding sex with excuses, despite having the opportunity. Sex is clearly important to him as he left his previous wife over it.

Something doesn’t add up. If he wanted to have sex, he would - even with a “sore neck”.

As usual, the replies would be very different if a man was posting this about his female partner. No one would be suggesting she must be cheating, for example.

You can leave any time you want to.

I would. This doesn't sound healthy.

I think in general the reasons men and women may want less sex than before in a LTR are different (with a crossover obviously). But the options of the frustrated partner remain the same

Is the rest of the relationship worth the huge sacrifice? Only you know the real answer to that.

No judgment here either way. Only you can say at what point it's becomes too big a deal.

Would you honestly say a sex less marriage is better than not being married to him? Does he fulfill you in ever other aspect? That's really the only answer you need 💐

Because, like it or not, men and women are different. Different hormones, different behaviour.

It seems odd that he’s really up for it, and then he’s not when it comes to the crunch.

Do you think he might have ED or performance anxiety or something?

Men in this situation are told there’s more to life than sex, and to stop thinking with their penises. Women, on the other hand, are told that they should not accept a sexless marriage (see above). Where do hormones enter into this?

I’d say exactly the same

A lot won’t, though. You only need to browse previous posts to see that.

@MemorableTrenchcoat one current post the man is complaining that he is only having sex every 3 weeks. So of course the replies are different to this one! Where they've not had sex in a year.

Another is the post where his wife has been honest and open that she doesn't want sex due to having had an early menopause and breast cancer. Yet the man still continues to regularly pester her for it. Again that's different to this where her Dh appears to be saying he does want sex (is he lying to her?)

I don't think it's fair to say the replies are different because it's a man/woman thing.

However ultimately what they all have in common is a partner who wants less sex than them. So they all need to decide if it's worth ending their relationship or not over this (or opening it up etc etc).

My reply is the same for men or women - people are entitled to want or not want sex. If your level of frequency matches your partner’s, anywhere from ‘multiple times a day with a variety of people’ to ‘once to get pregnant’ to ‘never’ then it’s fine. But for someone to inform me that I’m never going to have sex again? Nope. They can go to a GP, have counselling, sort their issues out if it’s something they feel needs sorting, but don’t be surprised when I walk out. I’ll wait a reasonable amount of time, but I’m not living without sex if I don’t want to.

Personally I think this has a lot to do with it. It’s just getting the answers and then seeing if we can work together to make it work. Put some fun back into it and no expectations. Things change a lot in 13 years I’m well aware of that, plus we have added two children into the mix who have complex needs but that isn’t an excuse to neglect one another. It’s all about communication, which has always been great but seems to have gone and just becomes bitter and point scoring. I honestly believe the lack of intimacy has caused all of this. I don’t think he is cheating. I don’t know where he would find the time? Unless someone is going to his place of work. He works solely in the public eye. Perhaps I am naive but I don’t think he would dare. He would lose everything, family wise as I wouldn’t hesitate to kick him out. Some have told me to leave. I won’t be doing that, I have a house that is designed for my disabled son whom I care for, if anyone leaves it will be him. Let’s hope there is some light!

I’m not talking about men who pester their partner for sex. However, in previous posts where men have said their partners have decided they no longer wish to have sex, the man is very often told it would be selfish to break up the family unit in pursuit of pleasure. It’s a common MN double standard.

@MemorableTrenchcoat from a kids perspective it really is a selfish decision though. To break up a happy family because you want more sex. And I think a lot of people would also judge it as selfish. The op in this case probably would with her disabled son.

But of course we can end a relationship for any reason, no matter how selfish, so it's an option that she can consider (same as if the roles were reversed).

Do I think it's selfish to not have sex you don't want to? I guess for me that would me more 'it depends on the reasons' but ultimately I don't think anyone should feel coerced into sex they don't want even an increased frequency.

See this I can agree with.

And therefore I don't understand why friends have said to me where I have had less serious things with a guy. But someone regular, that oh he is using you for sex 🤔 why, we are two consenting adults 🤷🏻‍♀️
If we are not serious/seeing eachother that regularly sometimes, then surely one would expect that sex would be a main feature of things.

I don't see how you can go on long term like this OP, if things can't improve what are your thoughts on how to go forward.