Sexless Marriage!!! When is it enough?

[Scoobydoo1]

Sexless marriage. When we first me like many we had sex often and then with the kids this filtered to once a month. For some time it then extended more like 2/3 times a year. Now we haven’t had sex for over a year and every time we plan something, like go away (without kids) or date night he is eager tells me everything he is going to do etc etc and then boom. My neck hurts, my knee hurts or something else and won’t happen. I’m sick of being rejected! I feel hurt constantly by this and yes I have told him My feelings. We never used to argue (I mean never if you believe it) now that’s all we seem to do is bicker. I believe it’s due tot the lack of intimacy. I don’t think the bickering stops the sex, that’s what people use as an excuse again.

You're definitely not being unreasonable here.

Just look at the comments above, mentioning divorce/“a side piece”/cheating etc. A man would most likely have received a different set of replies.

I couldn't live like that either. It's a huge part of a marriage. Especially if your young ish and able.
I would suggest couples therapy to him (there is probably online options) and if he's not willing to engage with that, then id suggest separating.

I think it would be more likely a man is getting sex elsewhere than a woman if he is turning down sex. It's more unlikely for men to turn down sex in general.

Divorce of course is mentioned in all sexless marriage posts (man or woman)

If this doesn't work for you, OP, and you like and want to have sex, then absolutely put yourself first.
Nothing else to add.

His double standards would piss me right off.
It also shows a streak of misogyny He didnt like it when the tables were turned but thinks you should put up with it because deep down "women dont/shouldnt like sex"

What's the bet his wife did 'put out' but got fed up with his game playing?

What are you going to do if for whatever reason he just doesn't want sex any more OP? I think you have to consider that that may be a possibility. Would you want counselling, want him gone, want an open relationship? I think you need you think about that. He's not on antidepressants by any chance is he? They can have a disastrous effect on getting it up/sex drive.

So what has he said with you've sat him down and said, look,we haven't had sex for a year so something is very wrong,and told him you can't stay in a sexless marriage?

Perhaps? That was 13 years ago so I wouldn’t know. I do know that she hasn’t never had another relationship and is single. So perhaps she was always that way? His past relationships really are not relevant to me

He has assured me today (since me writing this post) that he does want sex and is madly in love. Don’t feel it. But that part is me being childish as I crave the intimacy. He has confided that he is nervous and doesn’t know why and that none of this is my fault. He is just worried that things have been so long that he will in his words “let me down”. I can look at this in two ways: 1) a load of bullshiy excuses again! Or 2) give it a chance no pressure and try to have fun again. It’s so hard when you are so frustrated, hurt and to be honest tired of all the crap!

1. Bullshit excuses

Seems that way.

Why not try a night in with a few glasses of wine and you pleasuring yourself with your Love honey haul and sexiest underwear while he watches?
That would drive most men into a Sexual Tyranosaurous Rex. Is that something you would both enjoy?
Then he may not feel the pressure to pleasure you, as much! 😉

Is he suffering from Anxiety? As I have got older, 56, my anxiety has shot through the roof!
My wife has gone off sex, but we still have it now and again. I love having sex with her still. 🙁

Love this! I was hoping my haul would turn him wild and take the pressure off, plus give me my own time to “sort myself out” when he can’t.
Put into perspective when we met I was 31 he was 47. Do the maths I’m now 44 and he is 60.
And before loads jump on here about age. I know plenty people 70+ with a higher sex drive than most. Half the men down the gym I go to are 20 years older than my husband yet seem to have more stamina lol.

I’m pretty outgoing to give anything a whirl

It's the 10% theory. You are missing the 10% from your relationship needs but is it worth chucking in the relationship seeking for that missing 10% when your next partner might only offer you 60% of all your other needs?

I understand your terminology somewhat but not otherwise. If my husband was ill, had suffered an accident or similar then things of course would be different. However, we were both fit, healthy people and therefore I want to enjoy each and every day to its fullest and that means sexually as well (as I love it with him) as we never know when that day is our last. Life is short and we have such amazing sexual chemistry when it actually happens that when it doesn’t it’s frankly heartbreaking

I think when the ten percent that is missing is sexual intimacy, it really is quite a big deal. It's the one thing that sets you apart from being best friends.

Maybe sex isn't as important to some people as to others, but personally I'd be very unhappy if was in your position. It's not something I could live without so I completely understand why this is getting to you so much.

Hell of a drip feed there. Of course loads will "jump on" the age because it's a hugely relevant factor, regardless of what you see 70 year olds doing at the gym.

He clearly isn't interested in sex anymore. Either you accept that or you leave (the relationship, not necessarily the house). There's no option where you get to force him to want sex.

does he have ED?

@Scoobydoo1 Glad you liked the suggestion!
Hell, I'd be all over that!
There is a 13 yr gap between me and my wife, and I am more sexually adventurous. I'm older.
She is possibly going through the Perimenopause, as far as we can tell, and is less inclined towards sex. 🙁
Your DH may get a massive turn on by you and your "products", I do when my DW gets her toy out, and I probably enjoy the watching quite a bit! Almost like an less intimidating threesome! 😆
I thought a bloke's perspective might be helpful.

what the actual F??? At what point in this feed can you see me forcing him to have sex???
Marriages whatever the age incorporate sex. He’s 60 not 600. You don’t just roll over you know!
He watches enough porn I know so that’s ok? I’m quite happy to incorporate that but I’m not quite ready for the grave yet! Neither will I be when I am 60,70 or 80 thanks

What the actual F right back at you. Such a bizarre reply.

Thank you and also one with age difference in that perspective.
I knew I would get a few jump on the “no sex after a certain age bandwagon” but that’s there thoughts.
I don’t believe you just “shut up shop” when you hit a certain age you just need to find ways to make it work for you. And if there is a problem you talk about it.
I have been married before (nasty relationship which my husband now helped me out of as quite frankly I was trapped). I am very frustrated and pretty angry but I will not be throwing away 13 years, two children and a new marriage without some sort of fight.
I appreciate your input hugely

@Scoobydoo1 So if he use to “need “ what sex from his ex .
Sorry to say is it that he is getting sex elsewhere or he doesn’t feel that way about you anymore ?

What do you what to do OP
You have tried talking and it’s got you nowhere.
He has had plenty chance to make things right . It’s time you called it a day .