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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I confront husband?

67 replies

NiKI36 · 15/02/2025 16:19

20 years married, couple of kids, not particularly happy.

Haven't had sex in years, husband pretty emotionally abusive.

We had a huge row a few years ago when I discovered viagra (with some missing). H said he had bought them because "we had been getting on better and thought we could resume our sex life."

That didn't happen.

To my point, H WhatsApp is connected to our PC. I had a look the other day, there are lots of numbers of women in his non contacts.
Messages are set to clear.

One of the messages was left in from a few years ago.
Showed 2 missed calls from him at 10.30pm. Then conversation;

Her : Did you just try to call me?
Him : No
Her. : Oh I hade a missed call
Him: I'm a technophobe :)
Her : I thought you wanted to talk?
Him : I can't tonight, maybe tomorrow
Her : Ok sir x

I don't think he is/has been having an affair. Maybe sex chats or call girls? What would you think?
.

OP posts:
SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 15/02/2025 16:21

Don't know.

But it sounds pretty shit relationship anyway.

Why are you staying if it's so bad? It's enough.

And the missing viagra. He didn't use it with you, did he?

Dror · 15/02/2025 16:21

Your kids should not be made to live in an emotionally abusive house, it's incredibly damaging to them.
Who the abuser is trying to shag/chat up doesn't really matter, just divorce.

theboffinsarecoming · 15/02/2025 16:22

I think it's about time you started thinking whether you want to remain in this relationship for the rest of your life, or whether you would be far happier without his unpleasant presence in it.

Original poster
NiKI36 · 15/02/2025 16:31

Thank you for your replies. Kids are older & at uni.
No, I don't want to stay in this relationship and I'm starting to get my ducks in a row.

I have an added problem that H has been diagnosed with cancer. Treatment starting soon, can't leave until that is over.

Would you confront him though? If I say something then I won't be able to check up. I was looking for banking details when I saw messages. All his banking stuff is locked down.

OP posts:
JimHalpertsWife · 15/02/2025 16:35

I have an added problem that H has been diagnosed with cancer. Treatment starting soon, can't leave until that is over

You can leave today if you so wish.

WinterMorn · 15/02/2025 16:38

You can absolutely leave, cancer or not.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 15/02/2025 16:40

You can leave now, despite the treatment - though it's understandable that you don't want to be the bad guy here. Do you think that your support would make a big difference to him, or are you thinking the children's reaction? It sounds like the marriage is dead in all but name and has been for years. Would you want your kids to stay in such a relationship out of a feeling of duty, or do you hope for better for them? Because their expectations of what a relationship will be like are set by what they see.

Sodthesystem · 15/02/2025 16:42

If the roles were reversed, would he stay and care for you up you had cancer?

Would he fuck.side thought-
You 100% sure he has it and isn't lying as he cottoned on you are about to leave? Like, have you been to the doctors and spoke to them in person?

Either way, go, go now, go whilst he's busy dealing with other shit amd it's easier for you to get out.

You're not a nurse or a doctor or a psychiatrist or a chemist. He can pay for those things.
Leave!

Original poster
NiKI36 · 15/02/2025 16:44

I couldn't live with myself if I left now, it is out of the question. I need time to get myself organised anyway.
Yes, I do care what the kids will think. They know their dad isn't a great husband but he is a good dad.
But I couldn't live with myself while he is ill .

OP posts:
unsync · 15/02/2025 16:44

You can leave whenever you want.

Dror · 15/02/2025 16:45

You can divorce him any time you choose.
What would be the point in confronting the abuser? Did you assume he'd be happily celibate?

JimHalpertsWife · 15/02/2025 16:48

Dror · 15/02/2025 16:45

You can divorce him any time you choose.
What would be the point in confronting the abuser? Did you assume he'd be happily celibate?

If he wasn't emotionally abusing her he might have had to go without sex.

Dror · 15/02/2025 16:52

JimHalpertsWife · 15/02/2025 16:48

If he wasn't emotionally abusing her he might have had to go without sex.

Show quote history

He's scum, it's unfortunate that their kids had an abusive upbringing.
Seems like he's been porking women but OP expected him not to?

TY78910 · 15/02/2025 16:56

I don't see why anyone would set messages to self delete on a timer for any other reason other than you have something to hide / worried you'll forget to manually delete.

You can confront him OP, but be prepared for him to lie to your face when you already know the answer.

category12 · 15/02/2025 16:57

The "sir" makes it sound like a BDSM thing.

I wouldn't stick around* *tobe his carer if he's cheating on you. I don't think your kids would expect you to.

Spottedplant · 15/02/2025 16:58

"OK sir" is something I would write to someone I was having a sexual relationship with, that had a D/s element to it. I can't imagine ever using that word otherwise.

Original poster
NiKI36 · 15/02/2025 17:01

I can't leave just yet, I have nowhere to go. I'm not going to sell the house while he is ill. I do t want to hurt my kids.

You're right, no point confronting him, he will just lie.
He puts on this amazing act and everyone thinks he is a great guy and obviously all feeling sorry for him now.
I do feel sorry for him going through this, I can't not.

OP posts:
Boomer55 · 15/02/2025 17:06

NiKI36 · 15/02/2025 16:44

I couldn't live with myself if I left now, it is out of the question. I need time to get myself organised anyway.
Yes, I do care what the kids will think. They know their dad isn't a great husband but he is a good dad.
But I couldn't live with myself while he is ill .

No, it’s best you hold fire. 😉. Anything else is a bit yuck

AcrossthePond55 · 15/02/2025 17:31

@NiKI36

I agree with others, you can leave any relationship at any time for any reason or no reason at all.

But I can certainly understand why you'd want to bide your time until his treatment is over. Just be aware that the end of treatment is not the end of illness. My DH felt like crap for months after his treatment was over, and he had a small tumor w/little metastasis of a very treatable cancer.

And even if you do wait, there are those who will still think "Bob had cancer and NOW she's leaving him?". So don't expect that it will be smooth sailing just because you waited, especially with your DC. I'd be prepared to lay out the facts of why you're ending the marriage, at least to your DC. So although I understand why you're waiting, you need to think about whether you'd just as soon be hung for a sheep as a lamb.

And use this 'waiting time' wisely. See a solicitor and have those ducks in a row by the time treatment is done.

Original poster
NiKI36 · 15/02/2025 17:48

Thank you everyone.

I understand what you are saying @AcrossthePond55 but it's for my own sake as much as everyone else. I could t live with myself.

I know it's going to be a long hard road, I dont know what our financial situation is either so I need to look into that further.
He says he has life insurance but I'm not even sure if that is true. He tells so many lies.

I wasn't sure if it was worth messaging the woman to see if she is a call girl, but I guess it isn't really worth it?
He has his own bank account so could be spending money on this and I wouldn't even know.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 15/02/2025 18:06

NiKI36 · 15/02/2025 17:48

Thank you everyone.

I understand what you are saying @AcrossthePond55 but it's for my own sake as much as everyone else. I could t live with myself.

I know it's going to be a long hard road, I dont know what our financial situation is either so I need to look into that further.
He says he has life insurance but I'm not even sure if that is true. He tells so many lies.

I wasn't sure if it was worth messaging the woman to see if she is a call girl, but I guess it isn't really worth it?
He has his own bank account so could be spending money on this and I wouldn't even know.

@NiKI36

Doing it for yourself is fine. But often what we think we're doing for ourselves is really 'for appearance sake' or a feeling of guilt/obligation instead of an unselfish gesture. I guess I'd have to ask myself "Would he do this for me?". If the answer is a resounding 'yes' then I'd probably do it for them. But if the answer is 'no', then I'd think twice about whether or not I really should be 'doing it for myself' at all.

No, it's not worth messaging whoever she is. Don't lower yourself. OW or prostitute, what difference does it make? Would it make a difference if it was one or the other? Cheating is cheating. And it sounds as if there's more to your unhappiness than just that one issue.

He's a liar. He hides his finances from you. And you don't trust him. That's ample reason to leave, regardless of before or after his treatment.

As far as him being a good father, a wise person once told me "The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love and respect their mother". So no, I don't consider him to be a particularly 'good' father.

1-Dig into his finances, try to find out what you can any way you can. Try saying "In case something happens I need to know.....". May work, may not.

2-Sift through your own and figure out what you'll have before any divorce settlement.

3-See a solicitor and find out what divorce may mean to you as far as financial settlements go.

WinterMorn · 15/02/2025 18:27

NiKI36 · 15/02/2025 16:44

I couldn't live with myself if I left now, it is out of the question. I need time to get myself organised anyway.
Yes, I do care what the kids will think. They know their dad isn't a great husband but he is a good dad.
But I couldn't live with myself while he is ill .

Emotionally abusive people don’t make good parents. Your children will know this too, whether or not they choose to mention it.

Thecatthatgotthesouredmilk · 15/02/2025 20:36

Have you tried googling the number?

Original poster
NiKI36 · 16/02/2025 12:10

@Thecatthatgotthesouredmilk

Yes I have tried googling and nothing comes up. The photo on WhatsApp is a woman looking into the camera, not particularly young or beautiful (which to be honest gives me the ick even more!)

I was going to message it but the. She will see my picture and know it's from a woman. Also, clinging to the thought it may be innocent?

I just feel sick that I'm realising what a complete arsehole he is! Not even for me really but my poor children.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 16/02/2025 12:28

Counterintuitively this is the time to get your ducks in a row financially within the marriage. Tell him a condition of you staying is complete financial transparency and joint accounts. You must have access to sll accounts snd passwords as he may become incapacitated and you and the children are his heirs snd dependents. If he won’t do that then, yes, you should start divorce proceedings but move slowly and focus on your financial security.