Should I confront husband?

[NiKI36]

20 years married, couple of kids, not particularly happy.

Haven't had sex in years, husband pretty emotionally abusive.

We had a huge row a few years ago when I discovered viagra (with some missing). H said he had bought them because "we had been getting on better and thought we could resume our sex life."

That didn't happen.

To my point, H WhatsApp is connected to our PC. I had a look the other day, there are lots of numbers of women in his non contacts.
Messages are set to clear.

One of the messages was left in from a few years ago.
Showed 2 missed calls from him at 10.30pm. Then conversation;

Her : Did you just try to call me?
Him : No
Her. : Oh I hade a missed call
Him: I'm a technophobe :)
Her : I thought you wanted to talk?
Him : I can't tonight, maybe tomorrow
Her : Ok sir x

I don't think he is/has been having an affair. Maybe sex chats or call girls? What would you think?
.

How old are you both @NiKI36?

@TagSplashMaverick
Im 52 he is 60

I'd have said my ex h was a good dad. Some of the kids would have said the same. I divorced him. We now know he was never a good dad then and isn't now.

If you had cancer would he stay for you?

@2025willbemytime I think he would but I certainly wouldn't get any emotional support.

I took an overdose a few years back, I was very mentally unwell, but still something I'm deeply ashamed of.
He screamed at me for "fucking everything up" asked why I didn't take all of the pills, dropped me off at A&E and picked me up when I was discharged. Didn't talk to me for a few days and then back to normal

That's is so sad and shocking to read. Please make that your belated line in the sand. He showed you no care then, don't show him any now. No one would think any the worse of you and if they do, fuck them.

I know. It's something I'm only just realising. I'm finding it very hard to deal with

It's perfectly OK to leave him. Why not make an appointment with a solicitor to discuss your options? You don't have to decide now but you'll know your situation.

I'm so sorry third is happening.

I never thought I could leave. Then I realised I had no choice. I asked for space. He left. Felt immediately better and happier. Now divorced and will move this month into my own home, may many miles away from him. Can't wait. You can free yourself too.

OP, you can leave an abusive man at any time. He doesn’t deserve you, he can get his side piece to look after him during his
treatmemt, maybe seek support from women’s aid.

Oh love, this actually made me ache for you.

You really, truly owe him nothing. Not one damn thing. This man has done nothing for you, he's done nothing to support you when you most needed love and support. I'm afraid you're using some misguided sense of 'obligation' to cover your fears of an 'unknown' future.

Please, please will you consider counseling? You need to work out your emotions around his illness and your guilt over wanting to leave. And you need legal advice to help you start to see what your future could look like once you've 'made the leap'.

There is happiness and peace out there for you.

Thank you @AcrossthePond55

I have a therapist that knows everything. I was actually in hospital for a long time as I took another overdose. My guilt and shame of putting my family through that is immense.

There is an awful lot to unpack. I have only just realised that his treatment of me has caused my bad mental health. I used to make excuses for him, I definitely think he has some kind of mental disorder. But I don't think I deserve all this?

Of course you don't deserve any of this however only you can change it.

I haven't had to see my ex for ages which has meant I've not needed therapy for weeks as he's the one causing the upset..

Of course you don't!! And of course his horrible treatment of you has caused, or at least contributed to, your poor mental health.

I'm glad you have a therapist. And hoping that they are helping you work through the guilt and shame you feel. Because you did nothing intentional. You were ill. Just the same as if you'd had a physical illness and needed help.

This may sound way off base but some years ago I badly shattered my ankle. I had to be 'no weight bearing' for 3 months. It put a lot of extra work & worry on my family. Should I have felt guilt or shame that they had to pick up my slack? Of course not. I didn't ask to break my ankle. I certainly felt gratitude to them and appreciative of what they did. And just so, you didn't ask to have a MH crisis. You did not deliberately set out to cause them upset. It happened. And he didn't even have the common decency to offer you a minimum of care or concern.

I know my words aren't going to magically change your feelings. But if they make a bit of sense to you, hold that close.

My ex husband of 20 years dumped me as soon as I became seriously ill......not cancer. He said I'm not staying if we can't have sex and pissed off while I was in hospital.
Men do this all the time. If you are not happy just leave.

What he did was heartless and i imagine it was traumatic being on the receiving end of this kind of treatment. You deserve better. You can let it all go now....life has a way of making a person reap what they sow in the form of karma and sadly it looks like he is dealing with his fair share.

My word op just get yourself away from this piece of shit. He's not a good dad he's driven their mum to the point of not wanting to be here. He doesn't deserve your support and in fact needs to reap what he's bloody sown. I'm three years away from a similar asshole and I've never been happier. There's such a good life out there for you, go and live it.

It seems like you're in therapy to cope with staying in the relationship, when actually you'd be better off leaving.

Like a losing boxer in the ring keeping getting patched up instead of stopping the fight.