Should I confront husband?

[NiKI36]

20 years married, couple of kids, not particularly happy.

Haven't had sex in years, husband pretty emotionally abusive.

We had a huge row a few years ago when I discovered viagra (with some missing). H said he had bought them because "we had been getting on better and thought we could resume our sex life."

That didn't happen.

To my point, H WhatsApp is connected to our PC. I had a look the other day, there are lots of numbers of women in his non contacts.
Messages are set to clear.

One of the messages was left in from a few years ago.
Showed 2 missed calls from him at 10.30pm. Then conversation;

Her : Did you just try to call me?
Him : No
Her. : Oh I hade a missed call
Him: I'm a technophobe :)
Her : I thought you wanted to talk?
Him : I can't tonight, maybe tomorrow
Her : Ok sir x

I don't think he is/has been having an affair. Maybe sex chats or call girls? What would you think?
.

As he's likely to be ill, or worse . It's reasonable to have all financial details recorded with passwords, so ask him to do a list

Yes, I think now he is ill is a good opportunity to find out about the financial stuff.
Im scared to be honest, because im a worrier he always used to say "let me look after it."
I took this as him being kind and not burdening me 🙈

I know it's not going to be good, but I need to put my big girl pants on and be strong

Should I confront him with the message or just leave it?

I’d not confront, but message something like ‘are you aware he’s married, I’m his wife, not blaming you but can I ask you some questions about how you met / have you slept together’

Why would you? Did you have a discussion about both being celibate?

You've made the decision to leave anyhow, I wouldn't bother confronting him, don't give him any clues, just get all those ducks lined up and put all your energy into you and your future, good luck x

If he has cancer now is a great time to open up about the financial situation as if anything happens you need to know.

My exp decided to have an affair when I had Brain tumour stage 3 & a new baby 3 months, we where together for 10 years, joint mortgage.

So I’d duck off, crack right on! 💐Xx

I’m normally an advocate for open communication but in this instance I’d not mention the message. Not yet anyway. Sort the financial stuff first so you know how things stand. I’d also not mention leaving just yet - just see how his health goes. When he’s getting through the other side I hope you’re in a better financial position, and emotionally stronger, and then decided when to leave. Even if it’s another year or eighteen months. Put yourself and the kids first and do what is best for you.

@Toooldtorave thats my plan.

@Littlek0406 Im sorry to read that, are you ok now?

@Dror not really. When I found the viagra and pointed out we hadn't had sex in ages he denied that he has ever cheated.

But, he is an incredibly good liar, real poker face!

Would it matter if he is having sex with women? That's what I've been asking, you chose celibacy, he has not.

The marriage is dead anyway, so focus on your future and not the abuser.

Absolutely not! At this point you need to 'go stealth'. Say nothing, do nothing 'overt'. You need to act normally in order to allay his suspicions. Remember the analogy of the swan, you must glide serenely upstream but be paddling like mad below the surface. If you arouse suspicion now, you'll never prize any financial information out of him.

And again, the issue of OW is a bit irrelevant. He's a liar, he's financially manipulative. Does it really matter if he's a cheat? You have more than enough reason to end things as it is.

Often we use another issue to stop ourselves from taking action. Don't focus your energy on the OW issue. Focus instead on getting your ducks in a row.

Thank you @AcrossthePond55 wise words x

I thought I would just pop back onto this thread as I've been feeling so low.

I didn't say anything but I am finding it really hard being around him.
He has started his treatment and I'm feeling really guilty about not being supportive. As it is we are barely talking and spend the evenings in different rooms.

I just can't stop thinking about that message and feel like I need concrete proof. I caught him out around 10 years ago messaging my friend. He squirmed his way out of it and I just let it go as the children were younger and I convinced myself I had got it wrong.

Also found out he had cashed in most of his pension years ago. There is life insurance but not as much as he said and will just about cover the mortgage if anything happens.

I have no job or pension and my mental health is really bad at the moment.

I have literally nobody to talk to. I don't quite know what I'm asking but I'm really feeling bad today :(

Start living for yourself. Make a plan to live fully, for yourself, while you are still with him. And also make a plan to work and thrive without him.

Start by evaluating the situation if he dies (he won’t but it helps to think it through)
Then evaluate what happens if/when you divorce.
Then evaluate what happens if you simply separate and get a job and live independently.

You don’t even know if there are any assets to be split if he cashed out his pension. So figure out what you are hanging in for.

Thank you @pikkumyy77

@NiKI36

I echo what @pikkumyy77 says. If you aren't ready to leave, then the next best thing is to carve out your own life and make your own plans for the future. I'd suggest (if I haven't already) seeing a solicitor and finding out what a divorce may mean to you. Take a 'snapshot' of income/expenses, assets, the mortgage, etc. I'd also try to prize as much financial info out of your H as possible. Tell him that 'the two of you' need to 'plan for your old age' or similar. Or dig for it on the quiet.

Seeing a solicitor doesn't mean you have to 'do anything' You're just educating yourself as to what a divorce (or widowhood) might mean to you. This will enable you to make informed decisions 'if the time comes'.

I know, I'm just repeating what I've already said. But it bears repeating.

As far as needing 'concrete proof', what does that consist of for you? Him admitting it? Not going to happen. Finding pictures, texts, or emails? Overhearing conversations? Web history? Chances are that's not going to happen either. He's learnt to 'cover his tracks' since last time.

Frankly, the fact that he cashed in his pension on the sly is unforgivable and reason enough to leave, cancer or no.

Listen, there's nothing wrong with leaving and being free albeit at a 'lesser' standard of living. Sometimes peace is worth the price. There's also nothing wrong with making the decision that you're better off (financially) staying and trying to carve out a life for yourself in spite of him. But you'll have to be able to emotionally 'divorce' him to have any peace. It's just that whilst the former is 'over' after a shorter duration and then you have peace, the decision to 'stay' will last until one of you dies.

Ive really messed up!

I messaged her, just told the truth and said I have found some messages and wanted to know what the relationship was with my boyfriend? I don't know why I put boyfriend and not husband??

She said she went to school with him and hasn't spoken to him in years. Her name came up when she replied and I recognise it as an old school friend.
They all did have a few meet up years ago but nothing for a long time.

I know that she is a bit of an alcoholic and troubled. But not much else.

I asked if they ever had a relationship and although it took a while she said no.

So, I've made myself look so stupid 🙈. She is also in contact with my husbands best friend as they sometimes meet up. I would definitely think she will tell him.

Not sure what I'm going to say if he asks, but I'm so embarrassed 😬

Not sure why your embarrassed about contacting her, perfectly legit when he's being using Viagra with another person.

You don't trust him and I don't blame you. Truth is if you don't have access to his accounts and all electronic devices you'll never know what he gets up to behind your back

Do you. Do whatever you think will make you happiest in the long run.

What id do is confront him about the messages with said school friend NOW before she has time to say anything to him and check it all adds up

Thank you @LilacRaven

I can't confront him as he is out. I guess from the first messages it did look suspicious. But I hate the thought that I will be laughed at.

He already tells people I'm mad

Well if that is his reaction I feel bad for you.

If it was my husband he would be mortified I'd concluded that and be reassuring me how wonderful I am etc and how he is upset I would even think he could be unfaithful.

Please please don't worry about what others think just focus on what you want in life x

Hi OP, is it worth it if he has cancer? He'll be too ill after chemo to sleep around. Also legally you get everything financially if he were to sadly pass.

I guess I just wanted concrete proof so he doesn't gaslight me.

I honestly feel like I'm going crazy. I need to be nice to him whilst he is having this treatment but I'm finding it so hard :(