Men who abandon their children and take on someone else’s…

2025HereWeGo · 2025-02-15T13:00:18+00:00

This seems like a common theme for men who move on to new relationships. They tend to forget their own children but play the amazing step dad to someone else’s children. This does cut deep and feels like the ultimate betrayal. A man jumping through every hoop to avoid maintenance and being there for his kids and giving it all to someone else’s. Any stories/advice on how to move past this?

LoveItaly · 15/02/2025 13:07

I don’t understand how any father can behave like this, but many seem to. I think that I would try and take a positive view on it, and be grateful that such a shallow and unprincipled person was out of my life, and that of my children.

CharSiu · 15/02/2025 13:07

Men will do things to please women they love, that’s it basically. I also think the majority of men go along with having children. They can also compartmentalise their life. They literally don’t think about it I assume on a daily basis.

Rosybud88 · 15/02/2025 13:07

This happened to 2 of my childhood friends but it had different outcomes.

1 friend was repeatedly pushed aside/forgotten about. Being told there was no room for her to go on holiday, but each of her step siblings were able to bring a friend, there are more examples along those lines. Her mum committed adultery and from what I understand Dad was incredibly hurt and shunned his previous life. Completely forgetting that his children were innocent in the whole situation. They are still in regular contact and my friend just seems to accept her dad was hurt and has let it go. I always felt so sorry for her.

The other friend was completely shunned by her Dad, they went no contact and it’s been like this ever since. There is a lot of hurt which remains so I assume a lot will always be unresolved.

ExitViaGiftShop · 15/02/2025 13:14

I cannot get my head around it personally. I think your children should be the most important people in your life and be prioritised. I shall speak generally here and say it's mostly men that behave in this way, although I know a woman who has done this.

I think the thought of a cooked dinner each night and supply of sex, is enough to turn their heads. Their needs are met, so stuff their own kids. I also don't think there is true genuine interest in the new woman's kids; it's all an act because the men know they come as a package. If they reject the kids, no more sex. I think the rationale is that basic for these men.

username299 · 15/02/2025 13:16

I have no idea. I can only assume that some men have no feelings for their children and feel no responsibility for them. There's obviously a chip missing.

Dolambslikemintsauce · 15/02/2025 13:19

My exh didn't see much of his dc.... He was a good step df.... When it suited him. Because he didn't have any real responsibility he dipped in and out and appeared great. He was a prize cunt. Just nobody saw that bit..
Don't be so quick to think they actually ARE being great with another woman's dc... It's an act.

TheFormidableMrsC · 15/02/2025 13:22

My ex husband did this. Long long story short, he was stepfather to my daughter for many years. Suddenly decided he wanted a baby and I quote "I don't just want to be (name), I want to be dad". I had a baby. Two years after that he had an affair well the affair I found out about and left. OW demanded he cut us off completely. So he did. She bought a house 750 miles away to ensure that contact would end. He's now stepfather to her son. Her son had lost his father in an RTA when he was 6. How she went on about how awful this was for her child. However, she as quite happy to inflict that on my disabled toddler. Absolute pair of cunts.

DustyLee123 · 15/02/2025 13:23

It’s all about sex, they are led by their penis.

ShouldIEvenBother · 15/02/2025 13:25

CharSiu · 15/02/2025 13:07

Men will do things to please women they love, that’s it basically. I also think the majority of men go along with having children. They can also compartmentalise their life. They literally don’t think about it I assume on a daily basis.

I agree with this apart from I would swap 'love' for 'sex (with someone new)'.

LadyMargaretPoledancer · 15/02/2025 13:29

Why do you think some women enable men to do this?

I've always thought men who do this were just too lazy, weak or selfish to stand up to their new partner and insist their kids were included.

Do you think these men would be with partners who insisted their kids were included?

turkeyboots · 15/02/2025 13:30

My Dad did this. And FiL. We don't see FiL at all, but he doesn't care as his step children and their children remain his priority.
DF doesn't care for how his step children are raising their children, so he's now trying to play devoted Dad and Grandfather. Which creates a very werid situation for me

Cerialkiller · 15/02/2025 13:30

CharSiu · 15/02/2025 13:07

Men will do things to please women they love, that’s it basically. I also think the majority of men go along with having children. They can also compartmentalise their life. They literally don’t think about it I assume on a daily basis.

This.

To a section of menfolk, Children belong to the women, while they love the woman they will tolerate the children.

Once they fall out with the women then they stop giving a shit about the kids because they are 'hers'. This also explains why so many men resent paying cm. The kids aren't 'theirs', they are the woman's and therefore her responsibility, 'why do they have to pay for them? I didn't even want them!'

So when they fancy a new women, suddenly they are all interested in the new kids in favour of the old ones.

TheFormidableMrsC · 15/02/2025 13:31

ExitViaGiftShop · 15/02/2025 13:14

I cannot get my head around it personally. I think your children should be the most important people in your life and be prioritised. I shall speak generally here and say it's mostly men that behave in this way, although I know a woman who has done this.

I think the thought of a cooked dinner each night and supply of sex, is enough to turn their heads. Their needs are met, so stuff their own kids. I also don't think there is true genuine interest in the new woman's kids; it's all an act because the men know they come as a package. If they reject the kids, no more sex. I think the rationale is that basic for these men.

I agree with that, my ex openly admitted to his own father that he was grooming ow's child into acceptance so he could move in with them. The child had been bereaved for a matter of weeks. Absolutely disgusting excuse of a man. Didn't give a shit about his own flesh and blood. Her big house and massive insurance payout was all he was interested in.

CharlieAndMoose · 15/02/2025 13:34

I haven't experienced this as an adult but it happened to me in childhood. My biological dad walked out before I was a year old. It turned out he'd already got someone else pregnant in a different town. He moved in with her and she had my half sibling the same year I was born (whom I've never met and doesn't know I exist - we're both in our late 30s now and I have no means of ever finding them as I don't even know their name). Lo and behold he then abandoned that family as well.

Long story short, he went on to marry a woman with kids, which he took on as his own. I reached out to him in adulthood and we had contact for a while (which is how I learned about the half sibling - my mum didn't even know until I told her), but I eventually cut contact again when I realised he was a waste of space. However out for sheer curiosity I keep him in my sights on social media (he posts publicly). He ALWAYS raves about his "children" and "grandchildren" online and how much they mean to him, and in return they gush about how lucky they are to have gained him as a dad. These "children" are older than me by the way - he inherited them as teens, long after the hard work of raising them as babies and children was over. I'm not sure they even know he has biological children (and I wouldn't be surprised if there's more than 2 of us out there). I don't know why I still check in on it, it's been almost 20 years since we reconnected then disconnected, but I find it almost cathartic to read his page occasionally and think "what a prick" 😂

Sorry, that turned into a rant! To answer your question about why men like my sperm donor do what they do, my thoughts are that it's an ego thing. They get the gratification without the real responsibility that comes with biological children. The new woman and step kids feel so grateful to have this hero figure step up, and for the male, he gets the respect he craves from them (which doesn't come with biological children as they're not "stepping up" there - dad duties are expected of them, so it doesn't come heaped with praise). The added bonus - the adoration comes without having any actual legal, financial or moral obligations to them. In my "dad's" case, it didn't work out with the stepkids' wife and they got divorced. He's maintained a relationship with his "children", but he wouldn't have had to pay maintenance towards them after the divorce. Win-win, he still looks like the doting dad without it burning a hole in his pocket.

Ohshutupcolinyoutwat · 15/02/2025 13:35

Because sadly too many men are led by their cocks rather than their moral compass and supposed love for their child. I will never understand it.

Wendolino · 15/02/2025 13:36

My cousin split with his wife when his two children were 5 and 10. He hardly saw them afterwards but he acted the loving, perfect dad to his new wife's two daughters.
At his dad's funeral he ignored his sons and held hands with his stepdaughters (who hardly knew his dad).
His second marriage ended and now his relationship with his children is far from good and his stepdaughters don't want to know him. He's all alone and I don't have much sympathy.

JMSA · 15/02/2025 13:39

I will NEVER understand this, not for as long as I live. There is no excuse. And I don't understand the new woman either; why would you want a man who doesn't do right by his own kids??
The abandonment causes such emotional issue and it's incredibly sad. Not to mention infuriating for the mother!

Ughn0tryte · 15/02/2025 13:41

I think some adults want all or nothing. If they cannot have the children who live and breathe worshiping their every move, they don't want to know.
Small children that they see every few days means there's grief on both sides. Dad grieves every day he doesn't get the attention of his children and rather than cope with the void, they just block that part of their life out.
I find it incredulous that dad's side of the family sometimes follows his lead. Removing a child's whole network and loving family simply because your son/brother etc has cut contact is just horrific.

TwistedWonder · 15/02/2025 13:41

I have a few friends whose husbands married the next wife who was at least a decade younger and had another family whilst barely bothering with their older kids.

As adults several of those older kids have chosen to not really have a relationship with their fathers who seemed to think his responsibilities started and ended with paying the bare minimum he had to and that made him an ‘amazing’ father.

dottydodah · 15/02/2025 13:49

I think it was Kingsley Amis who said his libido was "like being chained to an idiot" presumably to excuse his many affairs! Some men cannot cope with domestic life and children .They look around for a new woman like a tiger on the prowl .Seem to overlook the fact that their"new" family will soon be like their old one!

Original poster

2025HereWeGo · 15/02/2025 13:55

CharlieAndMoose · 15/02/2025 13:34

I haven't experienced this as an adult but it happened to me in childhood. My biological dad walked out before I was a year old. It turned out he'd already got someone else pregnant in a different town. He moved in with her and she had my half sibling the same year I was born (whom I've never met and doesn't know I exist - we're both in our late 30s now and I have no means of ever finding them as I don't even know their name). Lo and behold he then abandoned that family as well.

Long story short, he went on to marry a woman with kids, which he took on as his own. I reached out to him in adulthood and we had contact for a while (which is how I learned about the half sibling - my mum didn't even know until I told her), but I eventually cut contact again when I realised he was a waste of space. However out for sheer curiosity I keep him in my sights on social media (he posts publicly). He ALWAYS raves about his "children" and "grandchildren" online and how much they mean to him, and in return they gush about how lucky they are to have gained him as a dad. These "children" are older than me by the way - he inherited them as teens, long after the hard work of raising them as babies and children was over. I'm not sure they even know he has biological children (and I wouldn't be surprised if there's more than 2 of us out there). I don't know why I still check in on it, it's been almost 20 years since we reconnected then disconnected, but I find it almost cathartic to read his page occasionally and think "what a prick" 😂

Sorry, that turned into a rant! To answer your question about why men like my sperm donor do what they do, my thoughts are that it's an ego thing. They get the gratification without the real responsibility that comes with biological children. The new woman and step kids feel so grateful to have this hero figure step up, and for the male, he gets the respect he craves from them (which doesn't come with biological children as they're not "stepping up" there - dad duties are expected of them, so it doesn't come heaped with praise). The added bonus - the adoration comes without having any actual legal, financial or moral obligations to them. In my "dad's" case, it didn't work out with the stepkids' wife and they got divorced. He's maintained a relationship with his "children", but he wouldn't have had to pay maintenance towards them after the divorce. Win-win, he still looks like the doting dad without it burning a hole in his pocket.

So true re the ego thing! My DC are teenagers now and see him for what he is yet he can manipulate and buy his love and adoration elsewhere.

OP posts:

Original poster

2025HereWeGo · 15/02/2025 13:58

dottydodah · 15/02/2025 13:49

I think it was Kingsley Amis who said his libido was "like being chained to an idiot" presumably to excuse his many affairs! Some men cannot cope with domestic life and children .They look around for a new woman like a tiger on the prowl .Seem to overlook the fact that their"new" family will soon be like their old one!

Exactly this!
ExH was so bored with family life, that he moved onto one that is exactly the same.
Brings me a bit of peace knowing he still has guns to put out, young children bouncing off walls when I have teenage children and a little more independence

OP posts:

NZDreaming · 15/02/2025 14:12

@CharlieAndMoose have you ever been tempted to let the step siblings know about your existence? I know it wouldn’t fix anything but perhaps causing some small amount of of upset to his constructed perfect image might be cathartic.

BestZebbie · 15/02/2025 14:13

CharlieAndMoose · 15/02/2025 13:34

I haven't experienced this as an adult but it happened to me in childhood. My biological dad walked out before I was a year old. It turned out he'd already got someone else pregnant in a different town. He moved in with her and she had my half sibling the same year I was born (whom I've never met and doesn't know I exist - we're both in our late 30s now and I have no means of ever finding them as I don't even know their name). Lo and behold he then abandoned that family as well.

Long story short, he went on to marry a woman with kids, which he took on as his own. I reached out to him in adulthood and we had contact for a while (which is how I learned about the half sibling - my mum didn't even know until I told her), but I eventually cut contact again when I realised he was a waste of space. However out for sheer curiosity I keep him in my sights on social media (he posts publicly). He ALWAYS raves about his "children" and "grandchildren" online and how much they mean to him, and in return they gush about how lucky they are to have gained him as a dad. These "children" are older than me by the way - he inherited them as teens, long after the hard work of raising them as babies and children was over. I'm not sure they even know he has biological children (and I wouldn't be surprised if there's more than 2 of us out there). I don't know why I still check in on it, it's been almost 20 years since we reconnected then disconnected, but I find it almost cathartic to read his page occasionally and think "what a prick" 😂

Sorry, that turned into a rant! To answer your question about why men like my sperm donor do what they do, my thoughts are that it's an ego thing. They get the gratification without the real responsibility that comes with biological children. The new woman and step kids feel so grateful to have this hero figure step up, and for the male, he gets the respect he craves from them (which doesn't come with biological children as they're not "stepping up" there - dad duties are expected of them, so it doesn't come heaped with praise). The added bonus - the adoration comes without having any actual legal, financial or moral obligations to them. In my "dad's" case, it didn't work out with the stepkids' wife and they got divorced. He's maintained a relationship with his "children", but he wouldn't have had to pay maintenance towards them after the divorce. Win-win, he still looks like the doting dad without it burning a hole in his pocket.

You could upload your DNA to sites such as Ancestry and 23andMe - if your half-sibling or their children does the same it will show up as a very high match. No guarantees but you or the next generation could well find out the name that way.

somewhereinsuburbia · 15/02/2025 14:17

I don't actually think the majority of men care about their children. They are socially conditioned to not voice this out loud, but there are so many absent and inconsistent fathers in the world, it must be biology.