Men who abandon their children and take on someone else’s…

[2025HereWeGo]

This seems like a common theme for men who move on to new relationships. They tend to forget their own children but play the amazing step dad to someone else’s children.

This does cut deep and feels like the ultimate betrayal. A man jumping through every hoop to avoid maintenance and being there for his kids and giving it all to someone else’s.

Any stories/advice on how to move past this?

I did actually do this a few years ago, no sibling matches so far sadly, but I live in hope.

@2025HereWeGo I just realised I misread your thread title and you didn't actually ask why men do it, so apologies for my unnecessary psychoanalysis of men! But I see you agreed with my logic. I'm glad your children are savvy to their dad's behaviour now they're older.

It's a strange one isn't it. I think the truth is that some men prioritise the woman more than anything else.

They can only love or pretend to show love to the children if they are actively in love with the child's mother.

I suppose they don't see their children as part of themselves sadly

@Rosybud88 am wondering if you’re my friend because the first scenario you describe is exactly mine! Probably not though, because I eventually decided enough was enough and cut him off.
I will never understand it but a fuck ton of therapy helped me accept it and realise it was nothing to do with me. I couldn’t have done anything to make him behave better. His loss 🤷‍♀️

Men prioritise the woman they are sleeping with. It’s not about the kids - they’ll leave the next set too if they fuck off with yet another woman. They frequently aren’t bothered about kids anyway when you really get to the nub of it - they did it because the woman wanted kids, and they have an ego/wanted to prove they are not shooting blanks. Sad but true in many cases (not all - before you start).

If it was biology, the human race would have died out long ago. In fact, men have a biological imperative to ensure their children reach adulthood in order to pass on their genes.

I think it’s partly biology though human Fathers are generally more involved than other great ape fathers but I don’t think that the human race would have died out without actively involved Fathers.

There’s an article here about it which is quite interesting.

In a 2008 paper, Sear and co-author Ruth Mace asked whether children with absent fathers are likelier to die. They reviewed data on child survival from 43 studies of populations around the world, mostly those without access to modern medical care. They found that in a third of the studies looking at fathers, children were more likely to survive childhood when their dad was around. But in the other two-thirds, fatherless kids did just as well. (By contrast, every study of children without mothers found they were less likely to survive.)
"That is not what you would expect to see if fathers are really vital for children to thrive," Sear says. Rather, she suspects that what's vital are the jobs fathers perform. When a father is missing, others in the family or community can fill in. "It may be that the fathering role is important, but it's substitutable by other social group members," she says.*

www.bbc.co.uk/future/article/20210625-the-riddle-of-how-humans-evolved-to-have-fathers

My exh left me with two children, they were 2 yrs ( autistic) and 3 months. He just disappeared. Gone! I had to fight for divorce, child maintenance etc.

He went on to have another child, mum of said child contacted me to say how awful I was keeping the kids away etc, he did the same to her.

He has just recently had another baby, with another woman, who has again contacted me to say how awful I am!

The kids are now 15 and 13! He has never asked for contact, owes an obscene amount of child maintenance. The 15 Yr old did try to contact him, at first it was lovely, then he turned and went on about how awful I was, how I took him for everything etc. My ds told him where to go!!

Mum of first child (after mine) is now in regular contact, the kids have met. We are not friends but we make an effort. We have joked that the group chat is open to the new one when she's ready!

I don't know why they do it, but if you do end up like this, be there for your kids, do your best to minimise the impact.

Oh yes, I forgot to mention the added cherry on the cake is the fact that they blame the ex wives for them not seeing the children and the new woman jumps onboard saying how awful we are!! I’m sure they all follow the same manual.

There's truth in what she's saying though. Ancient human fathers were very involved and important in teaching their offspring. Something has really gone wrong.
Now men are prioritising getting their emotional needs met.

My friend had no idea she had a half brother and sister until after her dad passed away and they had no idea she existed.

The younger half siblings found out at their dad’s funeral that he’s been married before and had 2 older kids in London - they were in Manchester. The daughter did some rigging on SM and contacted my friend to ask if her dad was called John Smith (obviously I’m not using his real name).

My friend was early 40’s by this time and her half siblings were in their 20’s. Neither had a clue the other existed

There’s definitely more to it than biology though it does play a considerable role imo but the article does also seem to reflect exactly what others are saying here.

It seems taking care of kids can be a way of getting mates.
Studies of human dads and stepdads have hinted at the same idea. "A lot of guys will willingly enter into relationships with kids they know aren't theirs," says Kermyt Anderson, a biological anthropologist at the University of Oklahoma. That investment might seem paradoxical from an evolutionary perspective. But Anderson's research suggests that men invest in stepchildren and even their own biological children partly as an investment in their relationship with the mother. When that relationship ends, fathers tend to become less involved.

Which is exactly what some posters are saying and I think it’s often true that they are often invested because of the Mother not necessarily because of the children as individuals. There are exceptions of course. I know some genuinely devoted and loving Fathers but I do think that often the relationship is based on that.

I am very fortunate that I do not know any 'men' like this.

My friends father did that many years ago.
Left his wife of 3 children and he eventually married a divorced woman with 3 children.
He played devoted father and husband to them while completing ignoring his biological children.

His second wife died suddenly and his step children gratuated towards their birth father afterwards and he then decided it was an idea to reach out to his biological children and their families.
He even implored his ex wife to advocate for him when he was rebuffed.

Unbelievable.
His ex wife laughed at him.
That was nearly 20's ago.
He lives a very lonely life, as his own siblings choose not to bother with him and his children certainly had zero interest in making space for him.

As my friend said at the time, he backed the wrong horse.

It's that simple.

I disagree strongly that men only have children to please women my ex badgered me to have our children that he now has absolutely nothing to do with them he got with someone who has a daughter (his mom likes girls) she is adult sen so she is shipped off to nanny as often as possible they can live their lives with zero responsibility

We have two boys he slowly dropped then ditched completely the last time he messaged me was about child support demanding that I tell them not to take it directly

Off topic, but the author Peter James loathed KA and even named one of his most disgusting villains after him!

But there is no biological imperative for them to care whether their children get to adulthood in a healthy psychological state, or to be involved in their upbringing.

Children who reach adulthood in good physical and physiological are more likely to successfully reproduce. Natural selection has seen to that. Clearly, given that it takes well
over a decade, and significant resources, to get a baby to sexual maturity, the absence of the father is not conducive to that.

It comes from viewing children as an extension of their mother rather than as individuals in their own right.

Hence why, when many men leave their ex, they are in fact leaving their children as well. And they don't particularly want to pay CM because they don't see themselves as paying for their children as independent entities but instead they're paying 'her'. Why should they, when they've moved on to a new relationship/family?

I've often thought that men use this to justify family annihilation in break-up cases as well - they don't see their children as having an independent existence from their mother and so it's acceptable to use them to 'get back' at her.

Men prioritise the woman they are sleeping with. It’s not about the kids
Absolutely this
Selfish Narcs basically
It's also wise to remember that the biggest danger to children is a non related male in the household
The fawning over someone else kids is usually lovebombing to get into the relationship.
Woman thinks she's found the perfect man

But original post isn't about "having children to please women", it's about taking on non-biological children (i.e. their new mistress's children) to get into a new woman's knickers. They put on a big show with their new family and become idolised by the woman and step kids in a way they don't get from being the biological father. A step dad is a hero for going above and beyond (even though it's all smoke and mirrors), a biological father is expected to do the duty without getting the attention and praise they crave. When they get bored of the lack of adoration, they leave to find someone else who will feed their ego.

My Dad left when my brother and I were toddlers, and moved on to wife number 2. We saw him regularly but not often. He had another kid with wife number 2, then left her and rarely saw his child.

He then had a relationship with a woman who had kids the same age as me and my brother - around 10-13. We went on holiday once - me, my brother, my dad, new woman plus her kids. We got on fine, but I remember being deeply hurt when new woman’s daughter told me all about the fun stuff they did as a family. I couldn’t understand how he could find time for them when he was always too busy to see us.

Anyway he left that woman, and went off with wife number 3, and never saw those kids again. He’s finally settled with wife number 4.

This is exactly what I’m dealing with, and it’s honestly soul-crushing. My ex always had an excuse to get out of doing things with our kids—he was ‘too busy,’ ‘too tired,’ or just ‘not into that kind of thing.’ But now, with his affair partner’s kids (who are about 10 years younger than ours), he’s suddenly fun uncle stepdaddy, taking them on holiday, going to water parks, the zoo—all the things he refused to do with his own.

And his timing couldn’t have been more convenient. He dropped the bomb about his affair right after our kids had aged out of child support. Almost like he was just waiting for the financial obligation to be gone before he moved on to his shiny new family. My daughter has even made snide comments about it, saying she doesn’t remember him ever doing those things with them—and she’s right. It’s like he’s rewriting history, playing the doting stepdad while his own children watch him give to strangers what he withheld from them.

I know this is all about impressing his new partner, proving what a great guy he is, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. He could have been this dad all along, but he chose not to be. And now, our kids are left with the proof that they were never enough to make him step up.

I wish I had advice on moving past it, but I’m stuck in the resentment too. If anyone has figured out how to let go of the anger, I’d love to hear it.

@Didsomeonesaydogs , I totally feel your pain; soul-crushing is the perfect word to describe it. I’m full of resentment about this and need to find a way to put the pain to one side,
ExH has significantly reduced child maintenance payments (we had a court order), my kids are teenagers (massively expensive age!) and ExH is taking his new family on holiday with what I class as my children’s child support payments.
A massive kick in the teeth.
Any tips anyone on how to not be a resentful, bitter bitch for the rest of my life ?? 😩