Men who abandon their children and take on someone else’s…

[2025HereWeGo]

This seems like a common theme for men who move on to new relationships. They tend to forget their own children but play the amazing step dad to someone else’s children.

This does cut deep and feels like the ultimate betrayal. A man jumping through every hoop to avoid maintenance and being there for his kids and giving it all to someone else’s.

Any stories/advice on how to move past this?

Not a stepchild , but my ex had an affair when dd1 was 3 months old . He then had another child with ow , he dropped dd1 when she was 5 , she is now 26 and has had no contact for 21 years.

Mine has forgotten he has kids but his new woman hasn't got any. But she has a dog so he's replaced two out of the three options. Some men are just pathetic inadequate creatures. One of my children will meet the woman tomorrow though not through choice and I'm struggling with that.

I’ve seen it from a different side. Someone I knew has a son and a daughter. When his marriage broke up he had to move out. He found it very hard not to be living with his children. He then married a few years later and became a stepfather, which didn’t work out. It was a wrench living with someone else’s child when he wanted to be with his own. His children are now parents themselves and are close to their father, but it was very hard at the time.

My Dad remarried when I was 8 and had previously been a great dad to me. He told me he would see me every Saturday which he did initially for a few weeks. He would take me to a shopping centre for a snack and then he'd drop me off after a couple of hours. One Saturday, he told me that his new wife became "upset" whenever he came to see me and that he couldn't afford another divorce. I can still remember the shock of hearing those words and telling myself my lovely dad wouldn't stop seeing me but the following Saturday he didn't turn up and he didn't phone to say he wasn't coming. My mother, who detested him, used this to vehemently bad mouthe him which she did at every opportunity. As a consequence I felt I couldn't express how hurt, disappointed, angry and shocked I felt at the way he'd treated me and instead I buried all that emotion inside of me. Over the years, I saw him on the odd occasion when he would turn up randomly at school during breaktimes or when I was walking home from school. He always looked happy to see me and would chat for 10 minutes before driving off. I never received a birthday or christmas card from him thoughout the whole of this time. After I passed my A levels, I received a letter from him congratulating me and giving his work number. I had no home address or telephone number for him and he had never volunteered one. As an adult, I tried hard to form a relationship with him, and hoped we could be as close as we once were but that wasn't to be. His 2nd wife inevitably became "upset" and his contact would abruptly cease without any warning or apology. I was always the one over the years to reach out to him and always as the result of a member of his family contacting me out of the blue to tell me my dad was very quiet and seemed very unhappy. Finally, in my early 40s and after yet another 2nd wife "upset" situation, I saw the light and stopped investing in our relationship. He sent me a birthday card and Christmas card after that which both contained a verse about what a wonderfully "understanding" daughter I was. I didn't reply. I have a stepbrother and stepsister born when I was 15 and 16 that I've never met. I have never been to his house (my sad once invited me but 2nd wife became "upset.") A cousin of mine contacted me 3 years ago (after years of no contact) to say that according to her unqualified diagnosis he was suffering with his mental health. Ironically, I was also by this time on medication for anxiety. My cousin wanted me to make contact with my dad again because "we're all getting older." I said I would think about it. A few days later, I rang her to say that I wish my dad well but I wouldn't be reaching out, that he was almost 80, no doubt set in his ways, still married to wife no. 2, that I was dealing with my own MH issues and it was best just to leave things as they were. My cousin doesn't respect anyone's boundaries and continued to push and push until I blocked her number.

The whole situation is one almighty mess and all because my dad didn't fight to have contact with his eldest daughter. I read threads like these and it fills me with sadness for all the other children who will grow up without their dads. I don't know how these men justify the shabby treatment of their own children to themselves but somehow they manage to. There's no excuse.

The phrase ‘take on’ probably doesn’t describe what’s happening. They’re with someone who has children and they might be in the house but emotionally invested in any way? You can live under the same roof but be completely disconnected, as they were in the first family.

Read the stories others have posted and you'll see that's not the case. Many of these men really do act the doting dad to the OW's kids whilst ignoring their own.

Source: my experience.

My ExH left a year ago and despite getting his own place spent 7 days a week with the Affair Partner and her 16yo D, immediately prioritising his new relationship over his own DD (then 12).

DD was angry and hurt, pushing him away and they were almost NC for 8 months.

During this time he built a life with them and when DD’s anger subsided and she wanted to see him and share her time between us, he’d ditched the house and moved in with AP and her D. This despite saying her was waiting for DD. He claimed he couldn’t afford to maintain a home for the two of them, which is ridiculous - he just doesn’t want to. When I implored him to have a place for him and DD to spent time together, explaining it would only be for 2-3 years he complained it could end up being longer and he had his own life to live.

DD won’t accept the AP so won’t go to their house, so ExH gives her two hours a week and the odd day at a weekend because he lives 45 minutes away now. He blames DD because she doesn’t want to know the woman who destroyed our family unit. He sees any time with DD as giving me an opportunity for me to spend time with my BF rather than being DF-DD time.

I think he does see DD as an extension of me, rather than his child. I find it incredibly sad. I could never abandon my DD like he has. I would rather be lonely forever than not put her wellbeing and happiness first.

To answer your question about why men like my sperm donor do what they do, my thoughts are that it's an ego thing. They get the gratification without the real responsibility that comes with biological children. The new woman and step kids feel so grateful to have this hero figure step up, and for the male, he gets the respect he craves from them (which doesn't come with biological children as they're not "stepping up" there - dad duties are expected of them, so it doesn't come heaped with praise). The added bonus - the adoration comes without having any actual legal, financial or moral obligations to them.

This is an absolutely genius assessment- I think you've hit the nail on the head. Fucking hell, (some) men are awful.

This is a difficult one. I am going to speak to the ‘how not to be bitter’ part of the question because I am reluctant to spend time and energy analysing the motives of men who have skipped out on their responsibilities (and I am not sure I can add much to what has already been said).
For me, the ‘how not to be bitter’ question was/is about doing the absolute best I can for DC and also keeping in sight my own goals and what I would like to do with my life (which of course proceed more slowly because of childcare over the years). I think it would have been nice to have had a ‘normal’ family and marriage situation but ex and I would have had to be different people with different lives (and I cannot go back and be the person who knew that in advance, and even if I could, would I undo the experiences that brought the DC?). It is how it is.
The hardest part is not letting the experience define you. Park the shame or guilt or looking for something you did wrong. There are many women and DC who have experienced this or similar situations and it has always been like this. It’s just more open and discussed now. People do what they need to do to get through life and that is not a reflection on you. The main way not to be bitter for me is to think I am not adding that on top; there is too much else I want to do in life and I need to think about that (when DC were younger what I wanted to do was more focused around them, but as they get older, then it is shifting a lot more to where and how do I now achieve my own goals but the goals have not really changed).

my youngest children's father was like a big brother to my oldest child when we were together. he was a teenager and they had shared interests and spent a lot of time together. when we split up he immediately cut all contact and hasn't seen him since. he now lives with his ex wife (before me) and her primary age children from another marriage 7 hours drive away from our shared children. he does see the children (mainly to put a good show on for the ex) but fights tooth and nail to avoid any maintenance or actual parenting.
he is living in her rented house with no pension planned and poncing off her stable wage. i'm sure he's a fantastic addition to her children's lives because the roof over his head and his ability to not contribute financially relies on it.
she sticks by him despite knowing he is violent, a free loader and that he committed a terrible crime.
neither of them can call it a day without facing the humiliation of accepting they made poor choices in each other not just once but twice and she is subjecting her children to this man who would walk away in a heartbeat if he had the chance of a roof over his head and getting his dick wet with someone else.
i'm happily (and i mean very happily) single with an excellent relationship with my adult child and the joy of having my younger children with me the majority of the time so they learn how to be decent humans.

My FIL did this to DH and his DSiS. Fucked off with a much younger OW and had 4 children with her. He has no relationship with DH or his DSiS as his 2nd wife made it very clear from the off that she wouldn’t accept him having one and because he’s a spineless arse led by his dick he went along with it. He has 2 grandchildren he’s never seen and we haven’t seen him in 20 years. When he dies I doubt 2nd wife would even bother to let DH and his DSiS know

How many men genuinely want children in the first place?

Not saying what is right or wrong

But how many women could handle being told 'i don't want kids' to start with, yes it makes no sense to go on the next partner who has children i guess

I was in a relationshiP with someone like this. He wouldn’t pay much of CM for his own kids, as he had no money, but used to buy things for my kids, some quite expensive stuff. I used to question that. I think his relationship with his kids was already quite damaged and here he had these little kids who adored him, and everyone telling him what amazing man he is to be taking them on like this so immediately there was this positive reinforcement and if he took them to school for me or anything like this, everyone would think what fantastic man he is.i also did loads for him, and his kids, but it wouldn’t have been that visible.
He did care about his own kids, but would get frustrated as they weren’t impressed with whatever he had on offer. There were past resentments. He would want them to just come to his house for dinner, but they were teenagers and just weren’t impressed.
we would go with mine for days out etc and I would pay and he wouldn’t have money to pay for his kids or they would just say no to coming. So to other people this might have seen as he cares more about my kids, but it was a mixture of wanting to feel good, lack of money and taking what’s given rather than him making conscious long term effort of how he wants to build his life. I actually encouraged him to rebuilt the relationships with his kids.
then sadly we broke up and that was hard for my kids as they built that attachment

I think this affirms the analysis I made yesterday. Your ExP was getting the gratification from supporting your children that his own biological children weren't giving him. I'm sorry for your children that they also ended up losing out though. So many men like this, just leaving a trail of destruction behind when they abandon children - biological or otherwise. And yet society historically critiques the actions and morals of the "single mother" with few comments made of the men who left them in that situation.

@Pinkfemme1 why ‘sadly’ ended? Sounds like you should be relieved. I can’t understand why you’d be in a relationship with such a man.

That’s exactly right.
their dad is just consistently not looking after anyone but himself mostly. I suppose at least he is consistently crap.
also for us women there is this biological or evolutionary drive to find a man who would support us as we are more vulnerable just with a a small child as species. So in some crap women that can manifest in behaviours that enable these men to be shit towards their own kids, as long as they help them raise their own biological kids. that is even more baffling that they see those other kids missing out or suffering and don’t question it very much. I hated when my ex used to bring me things, knowing he was doing nothing for his own kids. But then I ended up spending also money on them or throwing parties for them, with money I didn’t have. In the end it’s not an attractive situation to be in.

Sad for kids really on all sides

@AcquadiP I really feel for you. What strength you had to say no more to your dad and your cousin. My dad was 21 when I was born and his new GF encouraged him to go to court to ask to pay less maintenance. He was paying the equivalent of 27p a week. He signed me over to the council when I wasn't even two and married the GF. His two legitimate kids found out about me when they were around 6 and were very excited. We met when they were about 17 and my sister and I exchanged a few letters. Then stopped as the wife was "upset." What is wrong with these people. They have the man, their kids have a dad. Can't they be generous?

@2025willbemytime , it’s awful , but I think a lot of these women hate the children, as they see them as a reminder of a previous partner . It’s awful , but a lot of women seem to think this way .

Do they really though? Away from social media and for the long haul? I think these tend to be men who don't actually see children as people to have a relationship with, but simply adds on to the woman they want to be with. They know if they want to be with the new woman they will have to treat her children well, and in the honeymoon period will treat them extra well to impress her. Then there's the urge from both to present as the perfect new family on SM - see how happy we are! Plus his personal desire to appear a 'good dad' despite having left his own children. I'd take it all with a great big pinch of salt myself. If he's a crap dad to his own children he's a chap dad who's choosing to hide it.

DHs father did this to him and his brother when they were 9 and 12 (his parents broke up before he was born but he took on a new family when they were 9 and 12 and went NC with his bio kids). I don't understand it. Those boys loved him. But a more convenient opportunity came along.

I've told DH that if his dad ever does try to reach out to him, I will have a very hard time being nice to him...

I'm so sorry you had to go through that awful situation because of your dad and his wife.
I have no answer to what the "upset" is all about, it's always baffled me. My dad's siblings and my cousin have come up with various excuses none of which add up. Personally, I think my dad's second wife just wanted to rewrite history and pretend my dad's first marriage didn't exist and therefore neither did I! I don't think generosity of spirit is something these women are capable of either, unfortunately.
But I believe in Karma and I'm sure at some point - if it hasn't already - it will bite them all on the arse.😄

@AcquadiP I agree with you. Wipe out the past. My ex-h's OW told me our toddler "required a solution". Her solution was for them to change their names and move to the other end of the country and cut our son off completely. I don't know how they sleep at night. My ex's last text to me was "I hope he knows his dad will always remember him". What a massive evil cunt.

"A solution?" Ugh.

They're mentally unbalanced, the pair of them. Your poor son, he's just a small child, how can they do that to him? It's gross.

I think that men who can do this kind of extreme compartimentalization are sociopaths, quite honestly.