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Original poster

Feels like I have no relationship with DH

75 replies

Goldstar88 · 14/02/2025 20:43

Nothing like Valentine’s Day to shine a light on the lack of relationship you have!

Married to DH for 5 years, 13 month old DC. I know that the first year or so with children is very hard on relationships, plus I’m still EBF which I know has probably affected my hormones for a lot longer than some. However, I just feel we have no relationship whatsoever anymore.

We’ve always had some issues, DH can be a very difficult person (undiagnosed but clearly high functioning ASD) but previously I did feel in love with him, wanted to build a life together and generally we were happy.

I’m starting to realise we are literally just housemates. I have zero interest whatsoever in anything intimate. We barely even hug, let alone anything else. We don’t talk, other than functional things to do with DC/house/finances etc. He spends every evening online gaming with friends, I’ll be in the other room watching my shows/reading. We sleep separately and have done since DC. I don’t even feel like this is an issue, I very much want my own time and space so I don’t mind. However, I’m starting to think this is just not how things should be?

It’s when I came to buy a Valentine’s card for DH this week that I realised I just didn’t relate to any of the cards - the romantic ones, the funny sexual ones, the ones about being a best friend etc. I really struggled to find a card that I actually felt comfortable getting for DH as I just don’t feel any of these things.

It’s not as easy as saying ‘well, leave then’. We have a nice, comfortable life together. Both high earners, nice lifestyle, wouldn’t be able to afford family home without the other. I also really don’t think it would be in DC best interests to spend 50% of their time with DH alone as DH does so little childcare, I am 100% the default parent and the idea of having to ‘share’ custody of DC makes me feel devastated. It’s so complicated and horrible to even think about the realities of splitting. However, he does not make me happy.

I’d like to know if this is what a lot of couples go through post DC, and has anyone come out the other side? How do you know if it is the end, or a (long) blip? I just feel like I am totally emotionless when it comes to DH now.

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 14/02/2025 20:50

It took us a couple of years to get back to 'normal'. Life just took its toll and we were so busy with children and work our own relationship seemed to vanish. We did eventually realise and went out of the way to recover, but it does take both of you to want that change.

Beamur · 14/02/2025 20:50

I think we can lose ourselves a bit in the trenches of parenting and become a bit remote to our partners.
Do you think you can reconnect?
My husband and I have had quite a few strained years but think always had each others backs as it were. We're in a good place overall now. Youngest child just about to turn 18.

Original poster
Goldstar88 · 14/02/2025 20:55

Beamur · 14/02/2025 20:50

I think we can lose ourselves a bit in the trenches of parenting and become a bit remote to our partners.
Do you think you can reconnect?
My husband and I have had quite a few strained years but think always had each others backs as it were. We're in a good place overall now. Youngest child just about to turn 18.

I think in really dire need we would be there for each other but I don’t really feel he has my back in day to day life.

I previously thought I was the main one who had lost feelings etc and DH was reacting to me as such. I was feeling guilty about that. However, I’m thinking about the way he is with me now (e.g. no desire to spend any time with me in the evenings, no interest in asking how I am etc) and I wonder if he actually feels the same.

We’ve had some blazing rows (always starting with trivial petty matters) where I’ve threatened divorce and he always says he doesn’t want to split. I think I’ve probably threatened it so many times now it’s kind of ‘cry wolf’ and he won’t think I’m serious about our issues as we just end up being civil again shortly afterwards.

OP posts:
Original poster
Goldstar88 · 14/02/2025 20:56

BigFatLiar · 14/02/2025 20:50

It took us a couple of years to get back to 'normal'. Life just took its toll and we were so busy with children and work our own relationship seemed to vanish. We did eventually realise and went out of the way to recover, but it does take both of you to want that change.

How did you recover it, if you don’t mind me asking?

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 15/02/2025 05:21

Goldstar88 · 14/02/2025 20:56

How did you recover it, if you don’t mind me asking?

Show quote history

We were talking with my brother and his fiance about children and my DH commented that having babies could turn you celibate. It hadn't actually occurred to me at the time.

We arranged for the girls to stay with granny and grandad for a few hours on a Saturday and went home to spend some time together. No tiding up, no housework. We went to bed and cuddled a started getting to know ourselves again. It takes both of you to want to. We did still love each other but at first it was awkward. A bit guilty as we (me mainly) felt we should be doing mum and dad things. We made a point of touching, kissing and all the little things that help intimacy. Sex came along and was fine. Having my parents close and knowing they liked having the occasional sleepovers was handy. Children do change your life, you just have to make sure there's room left for each other.

It takes time and effort from both. Even now we both know we have to be careful of the simple things, not just sex (at our age and health it's not so important to us), it's more being considerate of each other.

BaMamma · 15/02/2025 05:28

Does EBF mean exclusively breast feeding? If so, is there a reason you’re not starting to transition to solid food?

Myotherusernameiswaybetter · 15/02/2025 05:36

I think a lot of couples go through this. Once dc get a bit older you suddenly remember you have the other person in your life and start to spend time with them again.

But you can always decide to leave down the track if you want to.

But there is nothing wrong with keeping going as you are.

Mopsy567 · 15/02/2025 05:40

I always believe in the saying that love is a verb. It is the actions that make a difference. Neither of you seem to be putting in any effort to show you care about the other person or even spending time together. He should be helping you care for the baby and you could also consider asking someone to babysit for a bit and spend a few hours with your DH alone. It takes small things to build up a relationship again.

What would his reaction be if you suggested this?

Quitelikeit · 15/02/2025 05:42

You are also responsible here - sleeping separately and not even sitting in the same room is a bad move by both of you

Butterflyfern · 15/02/2025 05:43

For me, a big consideration would be "was the marriage happy pre kids?" If so worth working on imo. You both need to learn how to be in a relationship with each other post kids

Original poster
Goldstar88 · 15/02/2025 06:53

Quitelikeit · 15/02/2025 05:42

You are also responsible here - sleeping separately and not even sitting in the same room is a bad move by both of you

I know, we both make zero effort. The sleeping apart was primarily when we first had DC and I was doing all night feeds. It’s just carried on as DC still wakes a bit and to be honest, I don’t want to get disturbed by both DC and DH coming to bed late (he tends to stay up a lot later than me) as my sleep is so sacred! But the sitting together in the evenings is important.

OP posts:
Original poster
Goldstar88 · 15/02/2025 06:55

Mopsy567 · 15/02/2025 05:40

I always believe in the saying that love is a verb. It is the actions that make a difference. Neither of you seem to be putting in any effort to show you care about the other person or even spending time together. He should be helping you care for the baby and you could also consider asking someone to babysit for a bit and spend a few hours with your DH alone. It takes small things to build up a relationship again.

What would his reaction be if you suggested this?

You’re right and I’ve realised from this thread that I also need to try, and maybe I’ll start feeling a bit different. We actually haven’t had an evening out together without DC in 13 months. I’m going to suggest we get GPs to babysit and we go out for dinner - finally!

OP posts:
Original poster
Goldstar88 · 15/02/2025 06:56

Butterflyfern · 15/02/2025 05:43

For me, a big consideration would be "was the marriage happy pre kids?" If so worth working on imo. You both need to learn how to be in a relationship with each other post kids

Up and down if I’m honest but overall, yes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Goldstar88 · 15/02/2025 06:56

Myotherusernameiswaybetter · 15/02/2025 05:36

I think a lot of couples go through this. Once dc get a bit older you suddenly remember you have the other person in your life and start to spend time with them again.

But you can always decide to leave down the track if you want to.

But there is nothing wrong with keeping going as you are.

Thank you, this helps to hear as well.

OP posts:
Original poster
Goldstar88 · 15/02/2025 06:57

BaMamma · 15/02/2025 05:28

Does EBF mean exclusively breast feeding? If so, is there a reason you’re not starting to transition to solid food?

Sorry just habit/typo, DC definitely eats solid food! I just mean I’ve been bf the whole time and DC hasn’t had any bottles unless I’ve been out (not that often) so the feeding has been all on me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Goldstar88 · 15/02/2025 06:58

BigFatLiar · 15/02/2025 05:21

We were talking with my brother and his fiance about children and my DH commented that having babies could turn you celibate. It hadn't actually occurred to me at the time.

We arranged for the girls to stay with granny and grandad for a few hours on a Saturday and went home to spend some time together. No tiding up, no housework. We went to bed and cuddled a started getting to know ourselves again. It takes both of you to want to. We did still love each other but at first it was awkward. A bit guilty as we (me mainly) felt we should be doing mum and dad things. We made a point of touching, kissing and all the little things that help intimacy. Sex came along and was fine. Having my parents close and knowing they liked having the occasional sleepovers was handy. Children do change your life, you just have to make sure there's room left for each other.

It takes time and effort from both. Even now we both know we have to be careful of the simple things, not just sex (at our age and health it's not so important to us), it's more being considerate of each other.

Show quote history

Interesting - thank you!

OP posts:
Winterscoming77 · 15/02/2025 07:03

Could you learn to play one of his games and he learn to love one of your programmes?

Try and get back into each others worlds even for an hour here and there.

LostittoBostik · 15/02/2025 07:04

BaMamma · 15/02/2025 05:28

Does EBF mean exclusively breast feeding? If so, is there a reason you’re not starting to transition to solid food?

EBF means no formula (it's mentioned because DHs can't do night feeds and you can't dump them on grandparents for a long weekend).

Of course after six months the baby has breast milk AND solids.

I don't know why on earth this comes up so often. There aren't legions of breastfeeding women just neglecting their children 👀

Original poster
Goldstar88 · 15/02/2025 07:10

LostittoBostik · 15/02/2025 07:04

EBF means no formula (it's mentioned because DHs can't do night feeds and you can't dump them on grandparents for a long weekend).

Of course after six months the baby has breast milk AND solids.

I don't know why on earth this comes up so often. There aren't legions of breastfeeding women just neglecting their children 👀

Show quote history

Thank you! Yes it’s important context as it’s part of the reason why we still sleep separately and haven’t been away on our own etc.

OP posts:
redboxer321 · 15/02/2025 07:18

We’ve had some blazing rows (always starting with trivial petty matters) where I’ve threatened divorce and he always says he doesn’t want to split. I think I’ve probably threatened it so many times now it’s kind of ‘cry wolf’ and he won’t think I’m serious about our issues as we just end up being civil again shortly afterwards.

You'll be doing your children lifelong damage bringing them up in an environment like this. Sorry to be harsh but it's just a fact.

SquirrelSoShiny · 15/02/2025 07:21

Let me be honest. I'm many years down the track from you and I should have left while eldest DC was about 2. It is much, much easier to leave while child is very tiny and isn't used to two parents living together.

My advice is go check for the ASD relationships support thread on the Relationship board. It doesn't get better (the way it might in a more typical relationship). You are actually seeing who your DH is now that he has stopped masking.

I waited and assumed it was just the baby stage and it would get better. It doesn't. I have ended up trapped because my health failed. Many of us on the ASD thread ended up the same. Don't underestimate the stress of living with an uninvolved flatmate instead of a husband. Don't underestimate what it does to your health.

Twobigbabies · 15/02/2025 07:39

I bf mine and slept in a separate bed for a few years but we were always together in the evenings and made time to be intimate. We've had a couple of wobbles over the years but each time couples therapy really helped - is this something you could do together? You can meet them online in the evening or get a babysitter once per week. It sounds like something needs to change as you are essentially housemates and that's not normal for a relationship even in the trenches.

Ridingthegravytrain · 15/02/2025 07:48

I agree with @SquirrelSoShiny

Wish I bit the bullet when kids were little

Original poster
Goldstar88 · 15/02/2025 07:53

redboxer321 · 15/02/2025 07:18

We’ve had some blazing rows (always starting with trivial petty matters) where I’ve threatened divorce and he always says he doesn’t want to split. I think I’ve probably threatened it so many times now it’s kind of ‘cry wolf’ and he won’t think I’m serious about our issues as we just end up being civil again shortly afterwards.

You'll be doing your children lifelong damage bringing them up in an environment like this. Sorry to be harsh but it's just a fact.

I’m very mindful of this and absolutely don’t intend to stay together if this carries on at the point DC understands - maybe already at that point.

OP posts:
Original poster
Goldstar88 · 15/02/2025 07:54

SquirrelSoShiny · 15/02/2025 07:21

Let me be honest. I'm many years down the track from you and I should have left while eldest DC was about 2. It is much, much easier to leave while child is very tiny and isn't used to two parents living together.

My advice is go check for the ASD relationships support thread on the Relationship board. It doesn't get better (the way it might in a more typical relationship). You are actually seeing who your DH is now that he has stopped masking.

I waited and assumed it was just the baby stage and it would get better. It doesn't. I have ended up trapped because my health failed. Many of us on the ASD thread ended up the same. Don't underestimate the stress of living with an uninvolved flatmate instead of a husband. Don't underestimate what it does to your health.

Uninvolved flatmate is a good way to describe it.

just feels like I’d be throwing away a fairly calm, stable family life for single parent hood and stressful joint custody, which doesn’t feel like a great outcome either.

Why age 2, out of interest? I do worry while DC is so small and can’t ask for things.

OP posts: